For dumpers that never heard anything from ex

[embeu]

Hi.

 

I really need help trying to figure this out. This is the last bumb in my road to freedom (getting over her), but i am having problems sorting this out. Please help me!

 

My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me a little over 4 months ago. We had a short talk face to face about us and she said she didnt know if her feelings was strong enough anymore and that she felt the spark was gone. She said nothing more and i got the impression we would try and see how things went (thats the last thing she told me before i left). A couple of days after telling me this she broke up with me over text (relationship was ldr last 1,5 months).

 

I was an emotional mess. I tried to talk to her about what had happened but she didnt say much. I even asked her directly to tell me over skype that she didnt love me anymore and never would again. She said i made her feel uncomfortable. After this I told her i needed to delete her of fb because I knew i could not keep myself from checking up on here. I also remover her from Skype.

 

After a couple of days I sent her a message on facebook asking why she didnt want to try and letting her know how much i loved her (like a wounded animal, i know). She responded saying something short like she didnt want to hurt me any more. I texted back that i was allready hurt and that i needed the honest truth. She didnt respond.

 

After about 1 month of not getting ANY better (i was hurting bad, crying and feeling like a mess because of all the questions i needed answered) i sent her a email. Nothing bad, just told her i cared for her and hoped she would email me back telling me her toughts on what happened. My hope was that after 1 month she would have gotten past the bad feelings and i hoped she would tell me her story. She didnt respond!

 

On february 22 (almost 3 months post BU) i still struggeled but thought i would be able to have real talk with my ex. I asked her this over fb and she said yes, but i understood in the way she said it that this is something she really didnt want to do. Ofc i got sad, but i could not get over the fact that she would not give me the time of day - why she would not help me sort out my thoughts on what happened, and why on earth she couldnt understand how all of this affected me emotionally and why she could not spare 5 minutes writing an email to me explaining things.

 

So on feb 22 i sent har the last email, explaining how my perspective on what happened was, hoping she would understand. Ofc i didnt get a reply.

 

Long story short: She broke up over text and havent even bothered to answer my emails. I was never rude to her and i always treated her nice.

 

I do not want her back, and most of me is over her. But almost every day i think how could she treat me this bad when i was nothing but nice to her. I understand that feelings can go away, and i respect that. But to get an explanation or at least that she could show me she still cared for me would have been appreciated. Because now i feel like she never loved me or cared for me, and its easy to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me.

 

Getting breadcrumbs is not so bad because it shows that the dumper cared for you and is still thinking of you. Getting absolutely nothing is just so hard for my ego and self worth.

 

Anyone got any advice as to how i can get over not getting any care or attention from my ex gf?

[d0nnivain]

When she said the spark was gone IMO b/c you had been LDR for 1.5 months t she most likely found somebody local but didn't know how to tell you the truth that there was somebody else because she didn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

Closure is a myth. You will never get the answers you seek. Most dumpers don't have the words.

[embeu]

Its not the closure i seek, its the validation. That i was actually a good person and that she enjoyed our time togethter. Saying somethin like "the distance broke us". I dont know, now i dont think i want her explanation anymore. But i would want her to write somethint so i didnt feel so powerless. Our breakup did not have a curve, it just happened. I asked her if it was someone else and she said now. I really believe that she would have told me the truth when i asked her this face to face. There might be someone now, but to not answer my emails? I would NEVER to that to anyone unless they treated me like sh.it

[d0nnivain]

You are powerless when somebody you care about chooses to turn your back on you. Since she is treating you so poorly now, perhaps her departure from your life is a blessing in disguise because she's not the woman you thought she was.

[ZiggyZoo]

Its not the closure i seek, its the validation. That i was actually a good person and that she enjoyed our time togethter. Saying somethin like "the distance broke us". I dont know, now i dont think i want her explanation anymore. But i would want her to write somethint so i didnt feel so powerless. Our breakup did not have a curve, it just happened. I asked her if it was someone else and she said now. I really believe that she would have told me the truth when i asked her this face to face. There might be someone now, but to not answer my emails? I would NEVER to that to anyone unless they treated me like sh.it

 

Here's the thing about validation. Like closure, you need to find it within yourself. What I mean by this is, instead of asking your ex if you were a good guy and all that, ask yourself if you were. Do YOU think that you behaved well and didn't contribute to more than your share of the ending of the relationship? Then that's all you need, trust in your own judgement. Your ex isn't going to give it to you, and you don't need her to. As soon as you realize this, it really is a great feeling, the opposite of powerless.

[PinkElephants]

Not responding was the most respectful thing in my opinion. It isn't about hurting anyone or power, it's about not fighting and moving on in the most expeditious way possible. Your ex doesn't owe you anything and it's your expectation that she does that's hurting you. It's not her responsibility to listen, it's not her responsibility to sort out your feelings, it's not her responsibility to validate you, it's not her responsibility to cure your desperation.

 

Honestly, I don't think she's treating you badly. She's gone NC which is the proper response to a break up and you're perceiving it as mistreatment. At this point, you probably need to accept that a response isn't coming and you don't deserve an answer. You want one but it isn't owed to you. Her decision to go NC doesn't mean she never cared; quite the contrary, she's attempting to provide space to move on.

 

I agree with ZiggyZoo, if you feel you behaved in a way you're proud of during the relationship then that's all you need. Based on your other posts it sounds like you desperately need validation from everyone, not just her. You want loveshackers to tell you you're right, you're deserving and you want her to tell you you're awesome, the breakup was because of distance but you were great and it wasn't you. This is an insecurity problem, not an ex-girlfriend problem.

 

Also, I can give you the "breakup talk" for her. She wants something else. What, doesn't matter. Who, doesn't matter. Why, doesn't matter. She wants something that's not you and that's all that matters.

 

Your dependence on her is making you powerless. Powerlessness is your choice, not hers. Take back your power and go do something awesome without her.

[erklat]

I felt very similar to what you describe. Eventually I found

the answers within myself. Whatever she gives you will be

guilt relieving bs, not truth, so its irrelevant either way.

 

She can ignore you as long as you contact her for answers.

Once you stop, she can't ignore you any longer.

[embeu]

Not responding was the most respectful thing in my opinion. It isn't about hurting anyone or power, it's about not fighting and moving on in the most expeditious way possible. Your ex doesn't owe you anything and it's your expectation that she does that's hurting you. It's not her responsibility to listen, it's not her responsibility to sort out your feelings, it's not her responsibility to validate you, it's not her responsibility to cure your desperation.

 

Honestly, I don't think she's treating you badly. She's gone NC which is the proper response to a break up and you're perceiving it as mistreatment. At this point, you probably need to accept that a response isn't coming and you don't deserve an answer. You want one but it isn't owed to you. Her decision to go NC doesn't mean she never cared; quite the contrary, she's attempting to provide space to move on.

 

I agree with ZiggyZoo, if you feel you behaved in a way you're proud of during the relationship then that's all you need. Based on your other posts it sounds like you desperately need validation from everyone, not just her. You want loveshackers to tell you you're right, you're deserving and you want her to tell you you're awesome, the breakup was because of distance but you were great and it wasn't you. This is an insecurity problem, not an ex-girlfriend problem.

 

Also, I can give you the "breakup talk" for her. She wants something else. What, doesn't matter. Who, doesn't matter. Why, doesn't matter. She wants something that's not you and that's all that matters.

 

Your dependence on her is making you powerless. Powerlessness is your choice, not hers. Take back your power and go do something awesome without her.

 

Thank you for taking time to answer.

In some ways I agree with you. I never had any big self esteem problems in the past, but as a result of getting dumped this is something that now sometimes crosses my mind.

 

I do feel like she treated me bad. I have been in several relationships before and every breakup i have ever been through has ended good. We sat down and talked it out so that both agreed that even though not the best option for one of us it was the only right thing to do.

When someone dumps you with a five sentence long text and never gives you any explanation or validation that you mattered to them is a huge blow to the self esteem. I feel as I have worked through most of these issues but the hard part for me is not gettin ANYTHING back. Not even a few sentences in an email saying things is over and that she has no regrets about her decision and that a future together is something she never think is possible (I asked for this). Going NC is good, but when you are the dumper and dont even bother erasing all hope is not kind. She told me her feelings faded so I really dont see the problem.

 

I have been the dumper several times. I have never not answered when the one i broke up with contacted me needing answers. The reason I have always answered is because i dont want to be the source of their grieving more than i allready am. Even though this is my first time not getting a good end on things i have always had the perspective of the other person and understood their need for a proper and good ending.

I have never given false hope and my answers has always been caring and very clear that the relationship is over.

 

Maybe the reason she hasnt given me any of this is because her young age (she is 22, never been in a relationship before), that she is immature and doesnt know how to handle herself or that she found someone else. Or the worst option, that she doesnt care at all about my feelings and the way she left me. I do not agree with you that her going NC after dumping me on sms is a decent way to do it. NC is the best way after breaking up for both parties, but I say that you have to put a real end to the relationship first.

 

But on the other hand i might be wrong. That regardless of feelings in a breakup one should always just worry about themselves and their own progress in getting over it. The bad thing about this is that the person on the other side will suffer more. Everyone is different, I would never do this to someone I cared for (love and care are two different things).

 

EDIT: I think i may have a very "romantic" view on relationships where 2 people care about eachother and that the caring never stops even if the love-feeling fades away.

I know that closure and validation comes from within, and thats ok. What i have been spending almost every day for the last 4,5 months thinking about is the reasons why someone that once loved you can give you so little when ending the relationship. It was probably hard for her as well, seeing me sad, but i big part of me thinks that its the dumpers responsibility to break things off in a good and respectful way. Try to give the best answers possible (even when there are no exact reasons). I know how hard it is to see someone crying because you break up with them. Even if I will always break up with someonfe face to face I understand that some people just cant do this. If this is so i would at the very least expect them to have the "talk" over email or some other unpersonal medium.

 

I am not a native english speaker but I hope what i just wrote is understandable.

Edited April 11, 2015 by embeu

[Twigyy]

Hey there. These things usually happens to people with nice guy syndrome. They usually seek approval from others. They do nice stuff and expect to receive something, which usually they don't.

 

You actually don't need to hear anything from her. You've decided that you don't want her back. Great. So stop looking back anymore. Do stuff that makes you happy, stuff that she didn't like you to do, stuff that you always wanted to do.

 

I am only about Three months after my break up, two months of NC, and 0 breadcrumbs, and I'm getting days where i don't even think about my ex. Also FYI the relationship was 1.3 years long.

 

When she comes into your head just let it happen, and cry if you need to. Just don't think about it whenever you can. One day you will be like me and you just can't cry about it anymore. Thoughts won't come anymore, and you'll just feel better.

 

Find yourself back. Make yourself happy. Only you can meet your own needs. Days will be better. Trust me

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are still hurting over this. Your girlfriend did tell you her feelings had changed. Neither of you could have helped that. After that point, there is little she could have said that would have helped. Feelings have a life of their own as you've found out yourself. You don't want to know her rationalisation of feelings. Once our feelings change about someone, then every little thing they do can be annoying. You don't need to hear that things changed for her or why.

 

Your feelings got stronger, hers didn't. I know it's extremely painful to accept and that at the time people come out with all kinds of platitudes that are extremely annoying. I doubt I can do better but one of the 'platitudes' that I actually found quite helpful was 'He was not the person you thought he was or he would still be with you.' It did help me to disentangle myself a bit.

 

If you don't accept that the relationship is over and keep asking her for reasons, she will get upset and may even accuse you of harrassment. No-one wants to have to explain something that is upsetting to them too. Would you really want to hurt someone else? I'm sure she'd rather you didn't care at all so she wouldn't have to worry about the effect of what she said.

 

I must admit, it does seem heartless when the dumper doesn't respond, if only to say they thought a great deal of you and you did nothing wrong. Cutting off does seem like a punishment when they might see it as not making things worse.

 

One thing I found helped was to remind myself that I did my best, I was kind, considerate and genuine. My heart was in the right place. I had integrity. Once you remind yourself of your sincerity, you realise that you did the right thing and unfortunately the other person wasn't capable of responding in kind for whatever reason.

 

Read up on break-ups and how to heal from them. There is a wonderful guide on here pinned to the top of this forum. Find something that helps you to distance yourself emotionally from this girl. Think of the bad things about the relationship. Remind yourself that one girl's decision does not mean you are unattractive to other girls. There will be a lovely girl out there who can reciprocate your feelings, it's just a matter of time. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, stop blaming this girl for treating you badly - she just decided it wasn't for her. Lots of people know the heartbreak you are going through. People on here will help, just keep posting whatever bothers you until it gets better.

 

xx

Edited April 12, 2015 by spiderowl

[PinkElephants]

the hard part for me is not gettin ANYTHING back. Not even a few sentences in an email saying things is over and that she has no regrets about her decision and that a future together is something she never think is possible (I asked for this).

You're basically asking her to dump you again. How can this possibly help you? It's over, she isn't contacting you to say she has regrets, and she doesn't want a future with you. You know this. I don't see how being rejected a second time is helpful.

 

Going NC is good, but when you are the dumper and dont even bother erasing all hope is not kind. She told me her feelings faded so I really dont see the problem.

She did erase all hope but you're still clinging to it. She told you her feelings faded. They're not coming back and she's working towards a new future.

 

NC is the best way after breaking up for both parties, but I say that you have to put a real end to the relationship first.

She did put a real end to it, you just didn't like it.

 

I've been a dumper and I've been dumped. She absolutely shouldn't have dumped you over text but she did end it and you've probably gotten all you can from her. At this point, you're spinning your wheels by trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you. It sucks, I know, but you're prolonging the hurt by continuing to do what you're doing.

 

You have a very idealistic and romantic view of relationships. I'm not saying you should change or become jaded but this could be why you're hurt. She didn't conform to the notions you believe in. People will disappoint you and you can't go back and make them do what you want. You can't make her give you the break up you want. Maybe this is a lesson in acceptance and letting go of control for you.

 

All of my exes, no matter how terrible, have been great learning experiences. They taught me about boundaries, having standards, not ignoring red flags, and what kind of lady I want to be. She's given you the gift of a lesson that you can use to improve yourself; you just have to figure out what it is.

 

No matter what, it's time to let go of her and get yourself happy. You're still dedicating a lot of energy to her that she's not giving you and you could be doing something so much more productive.

[JDPT]

When my ex an I parted ways roughly a little over 2 ears ago she completely vanished from my life. I mean, absolutely nothing. I recall making attempts to contact her but she went full blown NC on me. I used to wonder why so cold? didn't the 4 years spent together didn't mean thing? I later realized that she was doing us a favor and that it was best this way in order for us to move on. You don't need to know the answer to everything. Some things are best left unsaid. Focus on what truly matters which is you.

[dyna85]

embeu, I too have found this particular type of ending to be the most difficult to deal with in all respects as it is completely callous to not provide an explanation and/or acknowledge what you have to say. It's truly torturous to be left hanging and it's very cruel because you keep waiting for the response even though you know it's not ever going to arrive. It's quite the trippy and painful experience.

 

Only those who have been in our shoes can truly understand. Anyone who says it's 'caring' or 'doing you a favor' has never dealt with this, so take such advice with a grain of salt. Please. This person denied you closure and I only hope she reaps what she sows eventually. What goes around comes around, I do believe.

 

Never in my life have I ever experienced lack of closure like this and like you, I have spent so much time analyzing the situation and feeling such pain that I've never felt. Even just looking at my phone still causes me pain.

 

However, the only thing I can tell you is to try to press forward in spite of the lack of closure on her end. Earlier on, I made a vow that if he wasn't going to provide me closure, I would make it through without it. I'm still fighting for peace and it's still a crazy struggle, but I pray to God that you and I both see the light at the end some day.... and that we aren't as desperate for closure from these people who refuse to give it to us.

 

Screw them. You and I know right from wrong and I am with you that I would only ignore someone if they treated me like sh.t and even then I'd struggle to do so. When there are what you thought were loving emotions connecting you, it becomes impossible to fathom how someone could act this way.

 

I can only conclude that these people don't know right from wrong.

 

Just based on the difference in how you and I would treat someone in the end, these people are not compatible with us. You're far too caring for someone like her. Maybe one day she will develop an awareness as to how her actions affects others. I wouldn't hold my breath for it though.

 

Only thing I can say is God I know the pain and I have the scar to bear. I'm on a similar time table in terms of healing as you so hopefully with more time we will be elevated from this madness.

[JDPT]

The only person in this world who can provide your closure is yourself. You will later realize that.

[dumbass2]

She will not answer your questions because she knows there will be more and more of them. You will not be satisfied with her answers. This is probably what she has told her self.

 

The other thing is this, you will never get the real reason. whatever an ex tells you is either too vague and leaves tons of questions or is just a flat out lie to make it easier on them. Focus on the bottom line. The one thing you know for sure. You two are no longer together by her choice. That is fact. Why, does not matter at this point. Sure, if you have self awareness you may be able to look back and find some areas for improvement for yourself for your next relationship. Try to do that and move forward and be ready for your next one. Ready to do you part to be the best partner you can be.

 

Oh and another thing I can promise you. I can't say for sure that she loved you like you loved her, but while in the realtionship she did have feelings for you and cared about you......but that was when you were together.

[ManyDissapoint]

Some advice to protect yourself in the future:

 

As a man, you must live every day in your relationship with a woman as if the next day she could change her mind about the relationship. As if she's not really who she appears to be. You must see the train coming, expect the train coming, but not be afraid of it.

 

You must accept this partnership without insecurity, and if you can't you should abstain from relationships because they will result in lots of heartache.

 

Essentially do not ever get attached to a woman, no matter what she says or promises, none of it means anything long term.

[embeu]

embeu, I too have found this particular type of ending to be the most difficult to deal with in all respects as it is completely callous to not provide an explanation and/or acknowledge what you have to say. It's truly torturous to be left hanging and it's very cruel because you keep waiting for the response even though you know it's not ever going to arrive. It's quite the trippy and painful experience.

 

Only those who have been in our shoes can truly understand. Anyone who says it's 'caring' or 'doing you a favor' has never dealt with this, so take such advice with a grain of salt. Please. This person denied you closure and I only hope she reaps what she sows eventually. What goes around comes around, I do believe.

 

Never in my life have I ever experienced lack of closure like this and like you, I have spent so much time analyzing the situation and feeling such pain that I've never felt. Even just looking at my phone still causes me pain.

 

However, the only thing I can tell you is to try to press forward in spite of the lack of closure on her end. Earlier on, I made a vow that if he wasn't going to provide me closure, I would make it through without it. I'm still fighting for peace and it's still a crazy struggle, but I pray to God that you and I both see the light at the end some day.... and that we aren't as desperate for closure from these people who refuse to give it to us.

 

Screw them. You and I know right from wrong and I am with you that I would only ignore someone if they treated me like sh.t and even then I'd struggle to do so. When there are what you thought were loving emotions connecting you, it becomes impossible to fathom how someone could act this way.

 

I can only conclude that these people don't know right from wrong.

 

Just based on the difference in how you and I would treat someone in the end, these people are not compatible with us. You're far too caring for someone like her. Maybe one day she will develop an awareness as to how her actions affects others. I wouldn't hold my breath for it though.

 

Only thing I can say is God I know the pain and I have the scar to bear. I'm on a similar time table in terms of healing as you so hopefully with more time we will be elevated from this madness.

 

 

Thank you for taking your time. I agree that its hard to understand this kind of pain when you havent experienced it. Its like being pushed over a cliff by the one person you would have least expected to push you.

 

 

I am glad you guys responded to my old post because in the last few days i have been analyzing my situation again over and over.

 

 

What I have found out is that i have fallen out of love with my ex, she is no longer the person i want to be with. What I miss is having a connection with someone else and finding that connection is something i have to work forward to provide for myself. The need for closure about the reasons for the break up is for the most part gone.

 

 

BUT, I still struggle. I have not yet healed from the immense blow to my self esteem she caused me. I often wonder why she never answered me, if she hates me or what the real reason is.

 

 

Even though I dont love her in that way anymore I am scared to my stommach that she will be a ghost in my head in my next relationship. I am scared that I will never fully get her out of my head when i dont know why she never bothered to answer me.

 

 

Things have even gone so far that I wonder if I should make one last attempt at a sit down with her. I am certain that I will not try and get her back, but in my mind getting that last conversation might spare me years of headache and problems. But the worst part is I dont really know what i would want to talk to her about, I just think that regardless of anything that convesation might be the key for me to forget her. Sure, my healing might take a few steps back - but at least i would have some answers to dwell on so that i can finally put it all behind me.

I have NEVER treated her bad, and for her to give me 30 minutes of her life is not too much to ask. I saw her on tinder a few days ago so she is not together with anyone.

 

 

I know 99,999% of you think this is a bad idead, and I agree. But I am desperate to put this behind me and find my old self back. I have tried everything i can think of, but I just cant get over that last dump. What do I hope to get out of this when I dont even know what i want to talk about? That is a good question, but I think just talking about it with the person that caused all this will help me a great deal.

 

 

 

 

EDIT: This can be a lesson to all of you wondering if you should contact your ex one last time. IF she does not answer you might end up just like me. The need for closure will pass, but thinking about their reasons for ignoring you is a scar that you will bear for a much longer time.

Edited June 1, 2015 by embeu

[Yummm]

 

 

Things have even gone so far that I wonder if I should make one last attempt at a sit down with her. I am certain that I will not try and get her back, but in my mind getting that last conversation might spare me years of headache and problems. But the worst part is I dont really know what i would want to talk to her about, I just think that regardless of anything that convesation might be the key for me to forget her. Sure, my healing might take a few steps back - but at least i would have some answers to dwell on so that i can finally put it all behind me.

I have NEVER treated her bad, and for her to give me 30 minutes of her life is not too much to ask. I saw her on tinder a few days ago so she is not together with anyone.

 

Hi there

 

I'm so sorry about the struggle you're going through, I feel like I am in the same boat and it's extremely painful - feel free to have a look at my topic and comment, it would be much appreciated http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/530753-much-appreciated

 

I can't really help many people on this site but in your case I can relate to what you're going through here. For the first couple of weeks I was dying for that 'last conversation' - I said to myself that i'd give it a couple of weeks, then 'test the waters' and see if she would give me 5 minutes of her time. But ultimately, what was it going to achieve? Here are the scenarios I played in my head

 

1) She would never give me the answers I wanted to hear, hence hurting and confusing me more

2) She may not even want to give me 5 minutes of her time, which would hurt me even more

3) She would beat around the bush and give me breadcrumbs because she is the type of person who does not like conflict and wouldn't want to upset me

 

I'm sure now you're saying: What's the worst that can happen? Sure, i'll be set back a little bit, but atleast i'll get my 'closure' or 'tell her im over her and get my power back' - nah, you'll feel worse.

 

I believe that deep down, the only reason we want this 'last talk' or 'closure talk' is so that they can say to us how much of a mistake they have made and how sorry they are - the chances of this happening I believe are so slim. If they wanted to apologise, or wanted to discuss the breakup further, they would.

 

At this early stage, any form of contact with your ex hurts. Even though it seems like it would help, you will feel more hurt after. Twice last week, my ex drove past my house after work and awkwardly waved at me, it confused me and played on my mind for days afterwards - it had a negative effect on my healing.

 

Please stay strong and don't bother contacting her unless you are completely emotionally over her and still give a damn about what she has to say...

 

THEY broke up with US, THEY chose not to fight for US, THEY believed that they dont want us in their lives anymore - as hard as it is we need to accept that.

 

I feel your pain buddy

[embeu]

Once again thank you for answering.

 

 

My breakup happened 6 months ago (duration of the RS was also 6 months). I remember i too was dying to get that last conversation for a long time after the BU, and i thought to myself that it would help me alot. In fact I think it would have helped, but I never got it. But i dont feel like I need that anymore.

 

Right now its not the reasons why she broke up that matters. I think its more the reasons why she didnt answer me when I asked for them. Its so hard, because I really dont know WHY I am feeling this way. I hate myself for letting her get so much power over me and I hate myself for being so damn depended on her validation of me. I know its not healthy!

 

 

What I do know is that I do not want to get back together with her, too much time has gone by and she cant undo what she has done to me.

 

 

Everything is so hard because before I at least knew where my feelings were coming from (the break up). Now I think its because i might be having codependency issues or a fear of abbandonment. It is hard because I have never had these feelings before, not like this. And in some way I think the only person in the world that can help me move on is my ex.

 

 

And even worse is that i really fear getting rejected from her again, and I really dont want to be another burden in her life by asking her to talk to me (I know how awkward it can be having an ex wanting to talk about things).

 

 

Its like the road ahead of me is completely dark and the only working flashlight is dangerous to touch.

 

 

EDIT: I dont think anyone will understand this, but the reason I feel the need to talk to her is because I need to know where my pain is coming from. And when I know I think I will be able to do something about it. I want to talk to her and feel indifferent, I want to know that whatever issues I may have is not because of her. I know this is hard to understand, and its even harder to express. But thats kind of the way I feel.

Edited June 1, 2015 by embeu

[elaine567]

Things have even gone so far that I wonder if I should make one last attempt at a sit down with her. I am certain that I will not try and get her back, but in my mind getting that last conversation might spare me years of headache and problems. But the worst part is I dont really know what i would want to talk to her about, I just think that regardless of anything that convesation might be the key for me to forget her. Sure, my healing might take a few steps back - but at least i would have some answers to dwell on so that i can finally put it all behind me.

I have NEVER treated her bad, and for her to give me 30 minutes of her life is not too much to ask. I saw her on tinder a few days ago so she is not together with anyone.

 

You are assuming she felt good about you, about your time together and she had good memories about the relationship, how you treated her and loved her.

She may not feel that way.

She may have felt trapped and smothered, with an older, overbearing bf and feels leaving you was the best thing she ever did.

YOU say you want the truth, but the truth may not actually be what you want to hear.

 

In other words, she may not be able to give you the validation that you seek. From her perspective it may have been the relationship from hell, Who knows? BUT she initiated the split, she broke up with you.

 

NO good will come of pursuing her for "answers". If put on the spot, she will either try and spare your feelings, with a wishy washy reply, or if she is annoyed, she will give you both barrels uncensored.

Neither is really what you want, if you are honest.

 

Sometimes it is just best to let sleeping dogs lie, and our good memories uncorrupted.

[kylle]

Just give up, nothing good comes from an ex after a break up.

 

Stop searching her, stop pressuring her, stop looking at her FB, try to imagine she never existed. No contact at all.

[aloneinaz]

I'm also another strong vote for simply moving on. The core issue is she wanted to end the relationship and not see you anymore. You can't change her mind as much as you'd like to.

 

 

We've all been there and I know it hurts and is painful. My ex broke up with me a few times. The last time she did, I said to myself "never again". If she truly loved me, she wouldn't keep doing this. I got MAD. She told me "she didn't want me in her life anymore".. I told myself "ok, you got it" and I vanished for myself. Having no contact in this situation is the only way I've found to heal and move forward. It helped me. I think it would help you as well.

 

 

As many of the posters have shared, there's NOTHING good that would come from the "final" or "closure" conversation. I didn't want to have that w/my ex. Why? She said she was done. What's left to add to that conversation? My silence towards her told her I was fine with her decision.

 

 

You'll work thru this process and come out the other side feeling much better. You really will. You just need to come to full acceptance that your relationship is over. Time will heal the wounds and you'll find your next great love in the future.

[embeu]

You are assuming she felt good about you, about your time together and she had good memories about the relationship, how you treated her and loved her.

She may not feel that way.

She may have felt trapped and smothered, with an older, overbearing bf and feels leaving you was the best thing she ever did.

uncorrupted.

 

Yes, I do assume this. The reason is that i cant imagine how I could have mistreated her in any way. But the fact that I am older and probably more serious might have something to do with it, I dont know.

 

 

But to be honest, I would actually like to know if she felt like I treated her bad. Given her doubts at the end I dont think she does though.

 

 

The weird thing about all this is how fast my mood and feelings can change. Right now I am sitting at work not having any bad thoughts. I have found that the worst times is the weekends and mondays, the rest of the week is fine.

 

 

I will not contact her, ever. The reason is I promised her this in my last unanswered email and I dont want to be that stalkerish looser in her eyes. Of course the truth in my eyes would be very different. Its hard, because i feel trapped inside. I really hope this just goes completely over with time.

[erklat]

Overanalyzing killed the cat.

 

Answers that you seek can only be found inside you.

 

You say that you're looking for closure but you're praying

that makes her change her mind.

 

Don't be the guy that couldn't move on. The only thing I'd

change is that I'd turn around and walk away in silence.

 

But unfortunately time flows and some things can't be

changed.

[stillafool]

 

Right now its not the reasons why she broke up that matters. I think its more

the reasons why she didnt answer me when I asked for them.

 

It is highly doubtful she is going to meet with you to tell you the reasons she didn't answer you when you asked her to. She isn't going to put herself in that position.

 

What I do know is that I do not want to get back together with her, too much

time has gone by and she cant undo what she has done to me.

 

This is good because she has clearly moved on and now you have to forget about expecting anything from her and move toward your healing by yourself. If you feel you can't do it alone then get professional counseling to help you. She cannot help you get over her.

 

 

Everything is so hard because before I at least knew where my feelings were

coming from (the break up). Now I think its because i might be having

codependency issues or a fear of abbandonment. It is hard because I have never

had these feelings before, not like this. And in some way I think the only

person in the world that can help me move on is my ex.

 

No she cannot help you nor should it be her responsibility to help you. You need professional counseling to help you through this.

 

And even worse is that i really fear getting rejected from her again, and I

really dont want to be another burden in her life by asking her to talk to me (I

know how awkward it can be having an ex wanting to talk about things).

 

It's good that you realize this because most likely you will be rejected so just leave her alone.

 

 

 

EDIT: I dont think anyone will understand this, but the reason I feel the need to talk to her is because I need to know where my pain is coming from. And when I know I think I will be able to do something about it. I want to talk to her and feel indifferent, I want to know that whatever issues I may have is not because of her. I know this is hard to understand, and its even harder to express. But thats kind of the way I feel.

 

A good therapist can help you sort this out. Your ex cannot help you.