Cheating on wife with ex-gf

[fpsn]

We have been together for 3 years and had a baby late last year. Since then things have changed a lot with our relationship. We have no intimacy and I feel we're roommates, not a couple. She doesn't feel the same way, to her everything is fine. We've only had sex a handful of times in the last 6 months. Partly because she had complications and sex is painful, but she is not working to get it resolved. And she says she is tired/has no energy, and our child sleeps in our bed so that limits things further. If he's not in our bed he screams bloody murder, so there is no way around that (and my wife believes in co-sleeping so that won't change anyway).

 

A couple months ago I reconnected with my ex - who I dated 13 years ago when I was 15 (first relationship). We've been in contact randomly over the years, just catching up here and there. She got me a new job so I have been working at the same location as her. At first we just talked a lot and did a lot of reminiscing. But with that old feelings surfaced. For a while there was just a lot of flirting, but that progressed to kissing. Two weeks ago I lied and said I was going in for a extra shift but actually when and spent the day with this other woman/my ex. We ended up having sex. It left me with very mixed feelings. I feel bad for cheating, my wife doesn't deserve that. She is an amazing, sweet, loving person. But for the first time in 6 months I felt wanted and feel more attached (not the right word but it's all I got) to the other woman than my wife.

 

Since then (having sex 2 weeks ago), we've had sex two more times. We are both unsure of what we're doing. She is in a serious relationship and before this all happened she thought she was going to marry the guy she is with. I don't want to leave my wife/family. I want what I have with the other woman, with her.

 

My wife is the type of person that doesn't leave when she is hurt or walked all over. I have never cheated on her in the past, but she has been cheated on in all her relationships. She doesn't get over things easily and just internalizes it, making herself feel like crap. I don't know if I should ever tell her as it will just hurt her. I don't think it's fair to get it off my chest but hurt her. But I see this other woman 5x a week, can't quit my job or changed shifts and don't know how to stop having feelings for her when there is no intimacy at home.

[purplesorrow]

Have you put the same energy into creating that intimacy with your wife? Do you help with the baby? And let's be honest, you're perfectly fine with hurting her as long as she doesn't know about it. You don't want the consequences. You have to decide where you really want to be and put all your energy there. If you want your wife and can't handle working with the ow, you have to find another job. The more you give the ow, the more you take away from your wife.

[MuddyRock]

Wow. Your wife just had the child 6 months ago and that was all the amount of time it took for you to justify cheating.

Leave her now because it only gets worse until you are over the 6 year hump. Babies are alot of work and should be her priority at this point. It's a shame you are so fragile and couldn't be strong for your wife and child. 6 months is not very long to be complaining that she still has pain btw.

you either need to suck it up buttercup because having a baby changes things. You are not the most important thing in the world anymore. OR completely cut this girl off. No convo just a text. It's over. Block her. Your WIFE Is Gonna find Out And then you will have every other weekend and child support. You don't think she will leave. That's in credibly cocky. People usually do the opposite of what you expect.

 

You are a dad and a husband. You are a failure at both at this point. You should be protecting and nurturing your new family but instead putting them in danger.

Of std that can be transmitted to your wife them to your son if breastfeeding.

Your other women could be crazy. Actually she is for sleeping with a practical newlywed with a 6 month old. You need a reality check.

Edited April 11, 2015 by MuddyRock

[fpsn]

Yes I put effort into having intimacy with my wife. It doesn't matter what I do she doesn't want any part of it. Before our child we had great intimacy. No matter how much I help her, set the mood, etc. she still says that she isn't in the mood, doesn't have the energy, doesn't want to, the baby will wake up, etc. We rarely even cuddle or make out. There is nothing and she is doing nothing to try. She says she is perfectly happy.

 

I can't get a new job. There are very few jobs available and I make more there than I will anywhere else. My wife didn't want me taking the job in the first place because she knew I'd be working with my ex and she's the jealous, insecure type.

 

She is choosing to do nothing about the pain. She keeps saying she will go back to her OB but never does. There are things she could try but doesn't. And the pain is no excuse to not cuddle, makeout, hand job, bj, etc.

 

Trust me, she would stay. She is just that type of person. Whenever some sort of scenario comes up about cheating she always says she would be upset, hurt and never get over it but would stay. So I don't want to tell her when she'd stay anyway and just be upset forever. Like I said, she has been cheated on in previous relationships and always stayed.

 

I'm not sleeping around with multiple women and know how to use a condom. I'm not passing off STDs to my wife and child. Not to mention, passing the STD would involve some sort of sexual contact generally which isn't happening.

[I_Give_Up67]

Yes I put effort into having intimacy with my wife. It doesn't matter what I do she doesn't want any part of it. Before our child we had great intimacy. No matter how much I help her, set the mood, etc. she still says that she isn't in the mood, doesn't have the energy, doesn't want to, the baby will wake up, etc. We rarely even cuddle or make out. There is nothing and she is doing nothing to try. She says she is perfectly happy.

 

I can't get a new job. There are very few jobs available and I make more there than I will anywhere else. My wife didn't want me taking the job in the first place because she knew I'd be working with my ex and she's the jealous, insecure type.

 

She is choosing to do nothing about the pain. She keeps saying she will go back to her OB but never does. There are things she could try but doesn't. And the pain is no excuse to not cuddle, makeout, hand job, bj, etc.

 

Trust me, she would stay. She is just that type of person. Whenever some sort of scenario comes up about cheating she always says she would be upset, hurt and never get over it but would stay. So I don't want to tell her when she'd stay anyway and just be upset forever. Like I said, she has been cheated on in previous relationships and always stayed.

 

I'm not sleeping around with multiple women and know how to use a condom. I'm not passing off STDs to my wife and child. Not to mention, passing the STD would involve some sort of sexual contact generally which isn't happening.

 

Do you hope to remain in your marriage or do you plan to leave to be with the OW? Cheating was very wrong no matter how frustrated you have become with the lack of intimacy at home.

 

If you plan on staying in your marriage, then you and your SO need to seek counselling to work on some of these issues. You should also disclose the A to your BW. It is not fair to keep her in the dark. She may choose to stay or she may choose to leave the marriage, but she deserves to know.

 

If you decide to end the A and work on your marriage, there is no way you can remain in contact with the OW. You must find a new job. Your BW would probably insist on you leaving that job.

[MuddyRock]

There are std that a baby can get from mother. They are not all sexual.

 

A real man wouldn't cheat on his wife who just had their child. You started all this when your kid was 4 months old!!!!!!! There is not anything a doctor can do about sex pain 4 months out from childbirth. She is tore up!!! It takes a long time to heal and hormones to even out. Men in affairs give off a douche aura that the wife can sense. That's why she doesn't want to cuddle you. I would love to hear her side of this.....

you need therapy.

[purplesorrow]

You sound very immature and selfish. It sounds like she had a reason to be jealous and insecure about you working with your ex. You knew that and still moved forward with communicating with and spending time with her. You should have been protecting your wife's feelings. My h was a total azz to me during his affair, that's what made me start digging for evidence. She has probably noticed changes in you that you haven't and is withdrawing. With a six month old, you should be just as exhausted as she, how do you find time to screw your ow? I can't get over the fact of you saying it was great intimacy before the baby. It only took 4 months of you not getting your way for you to give up on your wife and marriage?

Edited April 11, 2015 by purplesorrow

[Lion Heart]

Man you've got yourself into some DEEEEEP sh**.

 

You know the right things to do.

 

Just do them.

 

Maybe your child will like you.

 

Hope this is the last child you father before you grow up.

 

Lion Heart.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife didn't want me taking the job in the first place because she knew I'd be working with my ex and she's the jealous, insecure type.

 

Jealous and insecure? You mean she's the realistic type, correct? Everything she was afraid of has come true.

 

A real man stands tough and looks out for his family when things are hard. You're only looking out for yourself, big difference. Stop bad- mouthing the woman YOU chose to marry and have kids with and start honoring your commitments...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sassy Girl]

I didnt have sex for 4 months after my first baby. What your wife is going through is completely normal...but before you even try and understand that you go and bump uglies with an ex girlfriend??? At 4 month post partum??? Dude you are a grade A azzhole.

 

Your job right now is to protect and nurture your wife, your child and your family. Her job is to be the best mother she can be to your child. YOUR child. You have failed. First stumble in your marriage and you run off and cheat...whike your wife is home feeding and changing and nurturing your child, you are off with an ex betraying them both and destroying your family.

 

Leave your wife. You dont deserve them. You're weak and selfish and self absorbed. Let her go so she can be loved and respected the way she should be...

 

This is the most vulnerable time in a womans life where they need a partner desperately...you failed epically . You should be ashamed of yourself.

[fellini]

You OP are such a frigging egotistical cad. I cannot believe the way you paint yourself as a victim who can't get a hand job from his wife. You want a hand job? Masterbate. dOne.

 

I do not believe for a second that your feelings began AFTER the birth. You know the truth.

 

You have been fantasizing this reunion with your ex PROBABLY since she came back into your life (actually when you came back into hers, but i doubt you see it that way)

 

NO more BS about the intimacy please. You are a father. I KNOW how things are post partum, you are fishing here. You should filled with the exstasy of being a dad, and this should fill you with enough emotional intimacy to last you a year, but no, you run out of this incredibly powerful emotional space called home to find sex with a fantasy relationship.

 

NO more BS about the guilt after your sex with ex GF. You should have been checking - hell you should have been in such bliss over the birth of your child there would be no room for romantic feelings. I have been there. I know what is wrong with you:

 

Stop rewriting your history with false details and admit you were emotionally connecting - with or without your ex s knowing - WITH HER LONG BEFORE THE BIRTH. You had to have begun checking out of your marriage before to be so impervious to the incredible joy and renewed energy and profound feelings of connection that come with family.

 

NO more BS about co-sleeping - you stopped really wanting deep intimacy with her when her belly was the size of a fridge and you began connecting with workplace replacement.

 

NO more self deception OP. Your story is longer and more sordid than you claim.

Try again and tell us when you really started the shift that happened so suddenly after the birth.

 

How everything seems to have fallen nicely into rational place for you to paint a wonderful picture of your victim hood.

 

Tell us the whole story, not the one you are rehearsing for your wife.

[Poppyolive]

Quit the blame game. My wife had baby, she's co-sleeping, in pain, tired, no handjob, make out session, attention, bj, no peanut butter in the fridge, no gas in the car.....

 

Dude, take responsibility for your diabolical actions!! How can you sleep in bed with your wife & son, knowing you sharted all over your wedding vows & worst of all not care! Because its all her fault, right? And your sons. Darn co-sleeping, demanding of attention baby. Daddy needs some sex. Way to set an example, big man. So, like poster above, re write your shjtty actions without blaming your son & wife.

 

In all my time writing here, this is the lowest blow.

[HurtOfGlass]

Now to the point:

 

Immediately call off the affair. Kill your feelings. Say to her you made a horrible choice by starting an affair with her when is wife has your child. Do it. There's no grey area here...

 

Don't spill this to your wife. If you think she will only blame herself, all the more reason not to say. Forget about it. Instead fully recommit yourself to your wife and child.

 

Voice your concerns in a safe way. You can say like this "Honey, I know our child is your biggest concern right now. Mine too. But I feel like you are drifting away from me in a time when this should be the most joyous time of our life. I am finding this hard that our intimacy is lacking day by day. So I think, we should go to some therapy, not just to bring back our love and intimacy but also to set a happy direction for our future. Will you come?"

 

And see where it goes from there....

Edited April 11, 2015 by HurtOfGlass

[No Limit]

Divorce and pursue your ex-gf. You care so little about your young little family your presence isn't needed.

[Furious]

We have been together for 3 years and had a baby late last year. Since then things have changed a lot with our relationship. We have no intimacy and I feel we're roommates, not a couple. She doesn't feel the same way, to her everything is fine. We've only had sex a handful of times in the last 6 months. Partly because she had complications and sex is painful, but she is not working to get it resolved. And she says she is tired/has no energy, and our child sleeps in our bed so that limits things further. If he's not in our bed he screams bloody murder, so there is no way around that (and my wife believes in co-sleeping so that won't change anyway).

 

A couple months ago I reconnected with my ex - who I dated 13 years ago when I was 15 (first relationship). We've been in contact randomly over the years, just catching up here and there. She got me a new job so I have been working at the same location as her. At first we just talked a lot and did a lot of reminiscing. But with that old feelings surfaced. For a while there was just a lot of flirting, but that progressed to kissing. Two weeks ago I lied and said I was going in for a extra shift but actually when and spent the day with this other woman/my ex. We ended up having sex. It left me with very mixed feelings. I feel bad for cheating, my wife doesn't deserve that. She is an amazing, sweet, loving person. But for the first time in 6 months I felt wanted and feel more attached (not the right word but it's all I got) to the other woman than my wife.

 

Since then (having sex 2 weeks ago), we've had sex two more times. We are both unsure of what we're doing. She is in a serious relationship and before this all happened she thought she was going to marry the guy she is with. I don't want to leave my wife/family. I want what I have with the other woman, with her.

 

My wife is the type of person that doesn't leave when she is hurt or walked all over. I have never cheated on her in the past, but she has been cheated on in all her relationships. She doesn't get over things easily and just internalizes it, making herself feel like crap. I don't know if I should ever tell her as it will just hurt her. I don't think it's fair to get it off my chest but hurt her. But I see this other woman 5x a week, can't quit my job or changed shifts and don't know how to stop having feelings for her when there is no intimacy at home.

 

A mature man will not feel jealous of his child. It's a though you've not bonded with your newborn and seem resentful of your own flesh and blood. The first year of parenthood is a huge transition. Mature individuals understand that becoming a parent requires sometimes putting your own needs on hold. Your wife is still healing from the birth and experiencing pain. You have no empathy and seem very self centered. You are a whiner, it's all about you.

 

As for your OW, she lacks empathy. It takes a cold hearted woman to engage in an affair with a man who has a newborn child.

 

You say you can't get a new job, that this one pays well. Better keep that job, you'll need it to pay child support when your wife finds out what a dog you are.

[MuddyRock]

 

You say you can't get a new job, that this one pays well. Better keep that job, you'll need it to pay child support when your wife finds out what a dog you are.

 

 

But remember he is so sure she won't leave him! He underestimate s what becoming a mother does to empower someone. This isn't "just" him cheating on her. He is betraying her when she needs him most, when she is at her most vulnerable. He knows she might leave that is why he won't tell her.

 

and op I bet this affair started the minute your wife said she didn't want you working with her. That's what put the idea in your head.

you ow is the second lowest person on earth for doing this to a new young mother. Someone capable of this is capable of alot. This is the type of bunny boiler that murders people when they don't get their way. Someone with no conscience.

[dichotomy]

So whats it like being a new dad? Excited to have a child? What was it like holding your child that first time? Girl or boy? Does it look like you? Isn't great being a dad? No love can compare.. to that of a child - they think you walk on water when young... How did you come of with the name? Whats the baby room look like? You know I had a heck of a time finding a baby carrier that was masculine enough for a dad and.....

 

 

or wait...you want to talk about BJ's?

[Rainbowlove]

Divorce and pursue your ex-gf. You care so little about your young little family your presence isn't needed.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

Just pay your wife child support and alimony and let her find a real man who can and wants to be a full time father.

 

Married 3 years, 1st baby and in 6 months you are blaming your wife for your inability to keep it in your pants??

 

You are a sad excuse of a husband and father.

 

Leave then now!!!

[BlueIris]

YOU do the work to make your marriage work. It is your responsibility, got it? (Or is your reaction to compare or compete about what she should do?)

 

Don’t just sit back and tell yourself that your wife has all of these circumstances that are hard for her, so you’re bailing to make yourself happy (with a sad little poor- me- she- doesn’t- give- me- what- I- want justification).

 

You are blowing it as a husband and father, being selfish.

[William]

Folks, noting a couple members sanctioned and/or suspended out of this thread, I'll remind members to respond to the content of the topic and in accordance with our guidelines. Taking pot shots at other members doesn't impact the topic at all but it can get you suspended or banned. Why go there for a simple discussion topic, especially from a new member? Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

[cocorico]

We have been together for 3 years and had a baby late last year. Since then things have changed a lot with our relationship. We have no intimacy and I feel we're roommates, not a couple. She doesn't feel the same way, to her everything is fine. We've only had sex a handful of times in the last 6 months. Partly because she had complications and sex is painful, but she is not working to get it resolved. And she says she is tired/has no energy, and our child sleeps in our bed so that limits things further. If he's not in our bed he screams bloody murder, so there is no way around that (and my wife believes in co-sleeping so that won't change anyway).

 

A couple months ago I reconnected with my ex - who I dated 13 years ago when I was 15 (first relationship). We've been in contact randomly over the years, just catching up here and there. She got me a new job so I have been working at the same location as her. At first we just talked a lot and did a lot of reminiscing. But with that old feelings surfaced. For a while there was just a lot of flirting, but that progressed to kissing. Two weeks ago I lied and said I was going in for a extra shift but actually when and spent the day with this other woman/my ex. We ended up having sex. It left me with very mixed feelings. I feel bad for cheating, my wife doesn't deserve that. She is an amazing, sweet, loving person. But for the first time in 6 months I felt wanted and feel more attached (not the right word but it's all I got) to the other woman than my wife.

 

Since then (having sex 2 weeks ago), we've had sex two more times. We are both unsure of what we're doing. She is in a serious relationship and before this all happened she thought she was going to marry the guy she is with. I don't want to leave my wife/family. I want what I have with the other woman, with her.

 

My wife is the type of person that doesn't leave when she is hurt or walked all over. I have never cheated on her in the past, but she has been cheated on in all her relationships. She doesn't get over things easily and just internalizes it, making herself feel like crap. I don't know if I should ever tell her as it will just hurt her. I don't think it's fair to get it off my chest but hurt her. But I see this other woman 5x a week, can't quit my job or changed shifts and don't know how to stop having feelings for her when there is no intimacy at home.

 

You are not the first new father to feel locked out of the mother-baby intimacy dyad, and you won't be the last. Several issues in your post made me think, you and your BW are just not on the same page when it comes to parenting. Of these, the most risky I feel is the relative priority accorded to baby-bonding vs parental intimacy. If you cannot agree on this - and from it, issues that flow like co-sleeping - you won't have a marriage to salvage, regardless of your XGF's presence or absence in your life.

 

It is almost universally accepted on LS that a W should always prioritise the kids above the H, hence the attacks on your thread. There are some dissenting voices but they're typically countered with "if you're not prepared to worship your kids and make them the be all and end all of your life, don't have them", so you're likely to find little sympathy for your position here, sadly. However, on the parenting board you might find more sympathy from other new fathers who are feeling crowded out and sidelined, and who are also struggling with issues of intimacy.

 

I'd suggest IRL you seek out counselling from your local Parent Centre - and tell your BW that it's a serious matter threatening your R that she needs to face - so that they can help you *both* adjust your behaviour so that your M has a chance of surviving.

[elaine567]

It takes a cold hearted woman to engage in an affair with a man who has a newborn child.

 

 

 

Agreed.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[fpsn]

To all who said the feelings began before birth, you are wrong. Before the birth our marriage was great. I didn’t lose my attraction for her while she was pregnant, she was very small for the whole pregnancy. She has her body back and lost all the weight right away. So NO it has nothing to do with attraction. It is only because I do not feel like I’m in a relationship, I feel like roommates.

 

My ex is the one who offered to get me a job. When talking to her I said I was looking for a new job and she brought up getting me a job where she works. I wasn’t going out of my way to be around her.

 

My work place is a 2 hour commute each way, if there is traffic or an accident it’s easily a 4 hour commute. It’s not hard to tell my wife I’ll be late because there is traffic. She expects nothing and is acting completely normal.

 

If my wife would put in more effort for intimacy there wouldn’t be any problems. When the baby is napping during the day and she’s just laying on the couch there is no reason to decline kissing or cuddling. Her OB said there are things they can try for the pain (surgery, medication, massage). She won’t do any of it. She won’t even make an appointment to go see the OB again. I just want a little effort. It doesn’t matter how much effort I put in.

 

It’s sad that another woman is giving me more attention and making me feel better than my wife. I get excited to go see her, I don’t get excited when I’m going home to my wife. Our child was not planned, not by me at least, so it takes a while to get use to being a father.

 

My wife won’t go to therapy, she won’t go anywhere without our son. She has never been away from him since he’s been born. We were visiting family last weekend and she wouldn’t even leave our son inside with my parents to go outside. Like I said, she won’t put in any effort. She is making it easier for me to cheat IMO.

[purplesorrow]

You are not the first new father to feel locked out of the mother-baby intimacy dyad, and you won't be the last. Several issues in your post made me think, you and your BW are just not on the same page when it comes to parenting. Of these, the most risky I feel is the relative priority accorded to baby-bonding vs parental intimacy. If you cannot agree on this - and from it, issues that flow like co-sleeping - you won't have a marriage to salvage, regardless of your XGF's presence or absence in your life.

 

It is almost universally accepted on LS that a W should always prioritise the kids above the H, hence the attacks on your thread. There are some dissenting voices but they're typically countered with "if you're not prepared to worship your kids and make them the be all and end all of your life, don't have them", so you're likely to find little sympathy for your position here, sadly. However, on the parenting board you might find more sympathy from other new fathers who are feeling crowded out and sidelined, and who are also struggling with issues of intimacy.

 

I'd suggest IRL you seek out counselling from your local Parent Centre - and tell your BW that it's a serious matter threatening your R that she needs to face - so that they can help you *both* adjust your behaviour so that your M has a chance of surviving.

 

Damn that baby for not being self-sufficient at 6 months! He needs to jump in and try to learn to parent just like she is. If he isn't helping her, who is supposed to take care of the baby? A first kid and all the kinks should be worked out already? Maybe that time and energy used on his ow could be better utilized at home.

[MuddyRock]

You should never have been talking to your ex girlfriend in the first place for her to have gotten you a job. So try again making excuses how this didn't start until after the baby was born. And btw that doesn't matter

It's completely normal for her to not want to leave her son. It's instincts and maternal behavior. You need to leave your wife. You have no remorse whatsoever. You don't plan to cut off the other women. And it's only going to get harder the older your son gets.