Cheating on wife with ex-gf

[aliveagain]

Yes I put effort into having intimacy with my wife. It doesn't matter what I do she doesn't want any part of it. Before our child we had great intimacy. No matter how much I help her, set the mood, etc. she still says that she isn't in the mood, doesn't have the energy, doesn't want to, the baby will wake up, etc. We rarely even cuddle or make out. There is nothing and she is doing nothing to try. She says she is perfectly happy.

 

I can't get a new job. There are very few jobs available and I make more there than I will anywhere else. My wife didn't want me taking the job in the first place because she knew I'd be working with my ex and she's the jealous, insecure type.

 

 

"Jealous and insecure, guess you showed her. In a matter of a few weeks you've had sex with your ex 5 or 6 times and counting. Exactly what your wife was concerned would happen. I think she was right to be concerned. Your first child and guess what your going to remember most about his/her birth? "

 

 

 

She is choosing to do nothing about the pain. She keeps saying she will go back to her OB but never does. There are things she could try but doesn't. And the pain is no excuse to not cuddle, makeout, hand job, bj, etc.

 

 

"Maybe she just doesn't feel good about herself yet, maybe your trying to compete with your child for attention instead of rejoicing his/her arrival with your wife."

 

 

Trust me, she would stay. She is just that type of person. Whenever some sort of scenario comes up about cheating she always says she would be upset, hurt and never get over it but would stay. So I don't want to tell her when she'd stay anyway and just be upset forever. Like I said, she has been cheated on in previous relationships and always stayed.

 

I'm not sleeping around with multiple women and know how to use a condom. I'm not passing off STDs to my wife and child. Not to mention, passing the STD would involve some sort of sexual contact generally which isn't happening.

 

You need to do more reading about STD's, some very serious ones a condom wont stop. You can spread STD's from just a finger insertion. Having oral with someone can result in STD's, you can get things from kissing, think about that the next time you kiss your new baby or your wife. Cheaters lie about using protection because cheaters lie. Just see what happens at your work place when you try and break off your relationship with your ex who isn't your ex anymore. The fact that your only cheating on your wife and child with one woman and not 10 makes you less of a cheater, was that the point your trying to make?

 

You are blowing your family away because your too selfish to care who's doing the stroking as long as you don't have to do it yourself. You know this is all going to be exposed at some point, just a matter of time. You need to do some serious growing up and hope it's not too late. Decide if marriage is for you than commit yourself to repairing what you've done to destroy it or remove yourself from it, there is no healthy in between, people are going to be hurt. You can't win when your in a state of infidelity.

Edited April 12, 2015 by aliveagain

[gettingstronger]

I pretty much thought I had heard it all after being on here for 2 years, but your story blows me away- I feel badly for the new child, I can remember back to the birth of our boys-my husband was over the moon with the gift of being a father- he would rush home just to see and smell them- sure we were both running on no sleep, sure he worked all day and came home to a messy house and a wife that looked even worse, but he was thrilled- it was not all sunshine and rainbows and there were times we both wanted to scream, but the over reaching feeling was one of elation- I feel badly that your driving feeling is selfishness-

 

If you can not find it in your soul to embrace fatherhood, you need to leave- sure everyone will think poorly of you and they should- but in the end, its the kindest thing to do because you are not worthy of them-

[autumnnight]

Me too stronger, and that anyone could actually sympathize with the OP and take his side tells me sooooo much.

 

OP, I am a very high drive person. I am a woman, and I would have loved to have had sex every day in my M (I was in a sexless M btw). But for the first 6 months after birth I was exhausted. My first birth was difficult, I had post-partem depression, and my body hurt. There was no sleep, I was nursing, and though I did feel the desire, that was the one time in our M where I DIDN'T want to complain about the lack of sex.

 

This is not about putting kids first. I believe the marriage comes first, period. This is about a helpless infant that came OUT OF MY BODY and wreaked havoc on it (as much as I loved her).

 

Simply put, you are a man with no empathy for his healing wife, with no apparent love or attachment to his flesh and blood child, whose main concern was getting a job with his ex and banging her to scratch his itch.

 

You. Are. Wrong. THAT is your starting point. Accept responsibility for THAT, and then decide what to do about it. There may be some weird minority in some bizarre culture I have never heard of who doesn't view adultery as wrong, but trust me, moral mainstream society says what you are doing is the worst, most unloving kind of selfish.

[PrettyEmily77]

What I don't get is what the OP is hoping to achieve by confessing to cheating on his new mother wife with his GF??

 

 

OP, were you hoping someone would reach out and say to you 'hey pal, you know what, what you did is completely justified; go ahead and bang your ex, how dare she let you go without sex for that long for no reason other than she's just had a baby? Sure mate, it's all on her for not recuperating fast enough after the natural birth of her first baby - she should be doing everything she can to make you feel like you still are her only priority and that nothing at all in your lives has changed in the last 6 months'.

 

 

I've never cheated or been cheated on (not to my knowledge, anyway) but even I, with no experience of it, can see that you were motivated by selfishness and contempt for your wife.

 

 

Is there a reason why you've not told her that you're having sex with your ex yet, out of curiosity? She's probably sitting at home looking after the baby, thinking how lucky she is to finally have a family...

 

 

Do you think that if she knew, it would change the opinion she has of you, and even leave you altogether because she would feel devastated by your actions? How about you tell her, and find out how she'd react instead of carrying on behind her back? I'm willing to bet she won't be very happy once she knows, because she will know. I've seen it happen so many times around me OP, the one thing I know is that the truth always comes out eventually.

Edited April 12, 2015 by PrettyEmily77

[autumnnight]

Do you think that if she knew, it would change the opinion she has of you, and even leave you altogether because she would feel devastated by your actions? How about you tell her, and find out how she'd react instead of carrying on behind her back? I'm willing to bet she won't be very happy once she knows, because she will know. I've seen it happen so many times around me OP, the one thing I know is that the truth always comes out eventually.

 

Yep, this is it exactly. He doesn't want to leave what he gets from being married, and moreimportantly, he doesn't want people to think badly of him because even HE knows banging an ex while his wife stays home with their new baby is despicable, and he doesn't want to be the bad guy. he wants to bang his ex until his wife feels like sexing him up again, and then he thinks he'll drop the ex and go back to normal.

 

Just like the OW has probably convinced yourself she's his rescuer from a woman who "doesn't understand him," "won't give him what he needs," and "is cheating him out of a good life."

 

Where is that vomit emoticon....

[truncated]

It honestly doesn't sound as if he wants to be married and have a child.

 

Fine. Marriage and parenthood is not for everyone.

 

The problem is that he is married and has a new baby, and it's really frowned upon for a father to leave, so it seems like he is trying to place the blame for that on his wife. " If she had just had sex with me less than four months after our baby was born, and even though it hurts her, and even though she is exhausted from looking after the baby on her own, I would have stayed...she virtually forced me into cheating, so she's the bad one here, not me".

 

It also doesn't say much for the ow here that she would sleep with a guy who she knows is married and has a new baby.

[Mr. Lucky]

A couple months ago I reconnected with my ex - who I dated 13 years ago when I was 15

 

If my math holds up, you're 28. I'm several decades older than you so consider this a message from the future.

 

There's going to come a time in your life when you'll understand the value of a relationship with your child. And you'll scoff at the notion of trading it for a few rolls in the hay. I'd bet future-you would have wise counsel for your present day self about understanding the impact of what you're doing. This isn't about now, it's about the next 20-30 years. Time to think with the big head...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

I actually really feel for you. You have a wife who more than likely doesn't like sex with you anymore (but won't admit it) but you still want it. What is a person to do in this situation? You don't want to get a D and I don't blame you. You like your family situation, just need more intimacy and sex. Should you remain and wither away for the rest of your life not having the intimacy and sex that you need? I seriously doubt counseling, sex therapist, time or whatever will work. Your W just doesn't care about that anymore. Should you threaten her with divorce if she doesn't start desiring you? Yeah, that sound really sexy, doesn't it? Just the kind of intimacy you dream of. :roll eyes:

 

I don't know what to tell you. Since you know she won't leave, maybe you could tell her that you would like permission to discreetly see other women on the side. Of course, she'll say no, but after that, she will at least take your needs seriously and/or may not question you when you suddenly start appearing like you're "there but not really there". Just make sure you continue to help out with the baby and do everything else she wants and needs you to do.

Edited April 12, 2015 by Popsicle

[autumnnight]

I actually really feel for you. You have a wife who more than likely doesn't like sex with you anymore (but won't admit it) but you still want it.

 

In case you chose not to read, she had a baby FOUR MONTHS ago.

 

I am flabbergasted that anyone could actually think this is his WIFE's problem.

[tippydog90]

Popsicle, How can you possibly suggest that his wife "just doesn't want sex" anymore? Did you miss the part that she just gave birth less than 6 months ago? She is an exhausted new mom who still is experiencing pain from the birth and hormones that are still normalizing. New moms don't typically put sex at the top of the priority list and have valid reasons for that. And you empathsize with the coward that is cheating on his wife? Wow. Where is your compassion for the lady that just gave birth to their child?

 

Op, you and your OW deserve each other. Anyone that can do what the two of you have done to a new mother need a whole lot of help. Of all the stories I have read on this site, yours sickens me the most. Your wife and child deserve a real man that knows the meaning of integrity, love and loyalty. I suggest letting her go to find a real man.

[Timmos]

You say you can't get a new job, that this one pays well. Better keep that job, you'll need it to pay child support when your wife finds out what a dog you are.

 

Comments like this really irk me and I see them quite often here in Loveshack.

 

I have known many dogs in my time, and found them to be loyal, loving, and more than happy to be with/around their human.

 

This guy is no dog.

[Popsicle]

In case you chose not to read, she had a baby FOUR MONTHS ago.

 

I am flabbergasted that anyone could actually think this is his WIFE's problem.

 

I didn't realize it had only been a few months. Yeah, some people go YEARS without sex. I thought this was one of those cases.

[truncated]

Besides the rough time many women have giving birth, and the roller coaster of hormonal adjustments they go through after their baby is born, many new moms cam also find that their confidence levels are low, and it's no wonder. You suddenly have this tiny and helpless life, who is completely dependent on you, and in many cases, you can feel like you are on your own.

 

There's so much advice out there, much of it conflicting, and it can be hard to find your way at first. New moms also will put the baby first, before themselves, and this is the time when the parent/child bond cements.

 

I have a feeling many new fathers feel this way too.

 

For the first six months or more, it's completely normal for a new mother ( and father too) to be wrapped up in their child. As time goes by, most will begin to separate themselves form the baby a bit, and the goodwill, patience understanding and love that is shared between the parents during those first few months will often be paid back in spades once they both find their footing.

 

The op either doesn't realize this, or simply doesn't care.

[stillmind]

It appears the op has left, but I'd like to add that it is difficult to start having sex again after painful sex. For medical reasons I experienced excruciating pain during sex for a period of time with my H and it was scary to have sex again after the problem was resolved. It's a big psychological hurdle.

[spanz1]

My wife is the type of person that doesn't leave when she is hurt or walked all over. I have never cheated on her in the past, but she has been cheated on in all her relationships. She doesn't get over things easily and just internalizes it, making herself feel like crap. I don't know if I should ever tell her as it will just hurt her. ............... there is no intimacy at home.

 

well two thoughts:

1) it will DEVESTATE your wife if she ever finds out! and it will be all your fault. think of it, she has been betrayed in all her previous relationships, thinks she FINALLY found a good husband, and then BOOM, she is hit in the head with a 2x4

 

2) WHY is there no intimacy at home? YOU let it come to this...why did you not immediately start working on the married sex the minute it started to be "no intimacy"?

 

Have you tried all the standard stuff:

a) take her to a sex dysfunction doctor to have her hormones checked, and HRT prescibed if they are low

b) gone thru all her medications, including over the counter stuff, to see if they have negative sexual side effect? anti-depressants are notorious for killing a libido

c) have you sat down and discussed needing a better at-home sex life? i mean seriously, a long, reasoned, discussion about your needs. Maybe she has some issue that you can fix to make her horny again. Maybe she will allow you an open marriage to augment your sex. Maybe she tricked you for a marriage/kid and now your sex life is permanently over and you should divorce? there are many scenarios, you need to figure out which one is playing out and THEN act accordingly