123outtamyway Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Am I over reacting? But I think this is bull****. She has one guy friend she hangs out with sometimes. And has a "Childhood" guy friend she hangs out with. She isnt that old, come on! Goes to his house and hangs out. And puts me on the back burner! Hey im over so and so's house talk to you later....WTF... IF I did this, I would never hear the end of it... Someone tell me something! Feels kinda disrespectful... Don't tell me its a trust issue. Feed back would be nice though...I am thinking I should break it off, because I don't think this is right. Yeah it could be totally innocent, but she is pretty good looking and a guy isn't Not going to try something...the other guy just admitted to her he wanted to hook up. I figure I should be enough, should be going over there house etc.... I don't mind a occasional DAY out in public, but seriously.... come on let me have it! Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 I am thinking I should break it off Always follow that feeling. Its self-fulfilling. Even if she's totally innocent it won't matter because the jealousy, possesiveness and distrust seeds have already been planted in you and they will sprout sooner or later and you will sabotage this relationship. Or best case, she is cheating on you and your paranoia is correct and you break up with her for that. In either case, this relationship is doomed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 123outtamyway Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 We just started to be together and she has her friends and I have mine...this has been her routine im guessing.. I just don't want to screw up a good thing, but I wonder is it a good thing? Do i have the right to make her change her life because of how I feel about it... Should I talk to her about it? Should I say hey its not cool...and? I don't want to be the jealous jerk, but is there something wrong with this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 You are not screwing up a good thing . You are using your brain and understand that this is nonsense. Here is what is in store for you . Your new girlfriend does not understand that if you become exclusive with someone some things have to change . She can hang with friends in a group but next you will hear that they got drunk, she went back to his apartment , and she did not mean for it to happen . Ifmthere is no agreement to exclusivity it's different. Trust your gut and if it does not work out she screwed it up not you . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Well, she acts the way she feels. It's not a matter of right or wrong. That's her way to live, and if it doesn't fit your way, you should call it off, but not until you talk to her. Tell her that you have some values about how to behave while in a comitted relationship, and try to see if you can agree about that issue. (no accusations or blaming) If she doesn't come to you at least half way, it means that you both don't have the same view, and also that she doesn't care so much about you. If you talk to her you'll at least know where you stand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 We just started to be together and she has her friends and I have mine...this has been her routine im guessing.. I just don't want to screw up a good thing, but I wonder is it a good thing? Do i have the right to make her change her life because of how I feel about it... Should I talk to her about it? Should I say hey its not cool...and? I don't want to be the jealous jerk, but is there something wrong with this? I'll tell you straight off. The manner of which you're being treated now and how you react will set the standard how you'll be regarded for the rest of your relationship. It's very simple. You've got a problem with it then you spell it out quite clearly and frankly, you're not cool with this and you don't expect your girlfriend to go hanging at another guy's house alone. Any arguments, end it. You don't think it's right. She's giving you the trust me issue. It has nothing to do with trust, what has she done to earn it? By ditching you to hang out with this guy..ALONE what does that say about your relationship? That she essentially puts her boyfriend second. Trust me, if you start to play the I'm trying to be an understanding guy, trying not to be jealous then you're not being authentic. It's like getting slaps to the face and smiling saying it's cool while people are laughing at you. Speak your mind. If she chooses hanging with him over you then say goodbye. Very simple, saves you a ton of grief in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Why does anybody in a relationship have to give up their dear long time friends for a new BF/GF? If she already had plans with him & you call last minute of course she gets to stay doing whatever she was doing. I'm a firm believer that pre-existing friends are part of the package. If you can't handle that, you need to go date some woman who only has female friends. It's not fair to expect her to give her friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Why does anybody in a relationship have to give up their dear long time friends for a new BF/GF? If she already had plans with him & you call last minute of course she gets to stay doing whatever she was doing. I'm a firm believer that pre-existing friends are part of the package. If you can't handle that, you need to go date some woman who only has female friends. It's not fair to expect her to give her friends. The OP never said anything about "giving up" her friend, but to adjust what they do together out of respect for the relationship. Plus this friend admitted he wanted to get with his GF...so this friend is sticking around for other reasons other than friendship......he's into her sexually. Imo I think there should be set boundaries out of respect for your BF/GF. The OP is right, going over to hang out one on one at the dudes house is not appropriate, even tho they are long time friends. He said that he would be OK if they went out in public like going for a coffee or having lunch. OP just needs to discuss "boundaries" and if she doesn't accept then they can breakup simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Paterlany Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 My boy hangs out with his mates some are girls. I do the same. If it triggers jealousy then its not the right rs for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 123outtamyway Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 Well, she acts the way she feels. It's not a matter of right or wrong. That's her way to live, and if it doesn't fit your way, you should call it off, but not until you talk to her. Tell her that you have some values about how to behave while in a comitted relationship, and try to see if you can agree about that issue. (no accusations or blaming) If she doesn't come to you at least half way, it means that you both don't have the same view, and also that she doesn't care so much about you. If you talk to her you'll at least know where you stand. I think you are getting how I feel about values and how to conduct one self in a relationship. And I really don't mind if they go hang in public on occasion. But going over the guys house. This is what I see getting couzy on a couch and watching tv all night. Together...WTF who's the boyfriend here me or him? I need to figure out how to approach this...She is smart enough to see reasoning...but I just hope she doesn't question my trust... This is to prevent trouble later...not to dictate he friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Then it's about how you present your concerns & your requests. You have to make it clear that your issues are with 1). his expressed interest and 2) the location not the friendship. Lead with I trust you honey but I am not so sure about him. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Op, I was with a girl like this once and wished I followed my gut like you are. Dump this bitch into the dumpster. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 I need to figure out how to approach this...She is smart enough to see reasoning...but I just hope she doesn't question my trust... This is to prevent trouble later...not to dictate he friendships. Just come and talk to her naturally, as you did here. This is a test and you should like that one. You see? it's not an intellectual discussion which you both want every one to convince the other that he\she is right. No no no. It a case when a guy and a girl love eachother and want to be together out of love. And when you love, you care, and when you care, you don't want your love one to be sad, insecure, or upset. So if you feel bad about her being alone with the guy who wants her in his house, she should stop doing that because she loves you, not because you are right or wrong. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 123outtamyway Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 Their are TWO GUYS...One is "Childhood" friend...The other has feelings... But childhood friends feels more like a pseudo boyfriend security thing...not sure whats there...this is the one she visits in the evening....hangs like they are dating... Man more I think about it the more of a mess it looks like...but if I don't say something I'm the blame...because she could see this as "cool with me"... Note...I am finding more and more about her "friends" as time goes on...by no means this is the "whole" guy friend issue... I guess I need to see what she feels and how she sees us. And what she deems appropiate.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 123outtamyway Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 With my girl "friends" and stayed over there house alone at nite etc...? Or is this confrontational? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Should i ask how she would feel if i hung outWith my girl "friends" and stayed over there house alone at nite etc...? Or is this confrontational? Why are you so afraid to be natural? You can tell her anything you want. Why are you arming youself with claims and planned arguments? She might kiss you and tell you that she will stop doing anything that you're concerned about. The argument "How would you feel if i hung...." is a good argument but what do you do if she says "i don't mind"? Your main argument is that you're uncomfotable with it and that's it. Let her do the work... And don't demand her to agree immediatelly, what counts is her actions. Judge that. If she continue hanging out at guys home, alone, that means she doesn't give a ***** about you, and in that case no conversation will change that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Just rbeak up with her and be done with it. You don't owe her anything, but you shouldn't put up with this mess. You know what I call your situation? "Disaster waiting to happen" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 123outtamyway Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 Why are you so afraid to be natural? You can tell her anything you want. Why are you arming youself with claims and planned arguments? She might kiss you and tell you that she will stop doing anything that you're concerned about. The argument "How would you feel if i hung...." is a good argument but what do you do if she says "i don't mind"? Your main argument is that you're uncomfotable with it and that's it. Let her do the work... And don't demand her to agree immediatelly, what counts is her actions. Judge that. If she continue hanging out at guys home, alone, that means she doesn't give a ***** about you, and in that case no conversation will change that. Yeah.. Thank god someone is thinking clearly in this thread. I think I would of caused more harm than good without hearing something that made sense. I guess less is more in this. I need to go take a chill pill before I talk to her today...I need to find some neutral ground so we can talk.... i need to stop over thinking it all and let it play out...I feel like im going to either loose a good friend today or eat crow over something im missing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
greaterdevil Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Why are you so afraid to be natural? You can tell her anything you want. Why are you arming youself with claims and planned arguments? She might kiss you and tell you that she will stop doing anything that you're concerned about. The argument "How would you feel if i hung...." is a good argument but what do you do if she says "i don't mind"? Your main argument is that you're uncomfotable with it and that's it. Let her do the work... And don't demand her to agree immediatelly, what counts is her actions. Judge that. If she continue hanging out at guys home, alone, that means she doesn't give a ***** about you, and in that case no conversation will change that. ^this^ Lolablue17 was a voice of reason in a recent thread I posted, too. I took their advice and am so glad I did. my girlfriend was still in contact with her ex of five years, and instead of freaking out (well, more than I already was) I just told her that it really bothered me. And believe it or not, she has completely stopped contacting him. I guess moral of the story is, if someone loves you and truly prioritizes you in their life, their actions will speak volumes. but you have to communicate your needs, because some people really wouldn't feel bothered or jealous by something and don't know from the get go how their partner feels. Anyway, good luck to you. I really hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Why does anybody in a relationship have to give up their dear long time friends for a new BF/GF? If she already had plans with him & you call last minute of course she gets to stay doing whatever she was doing. I'm a firm believer that pre-existing friends are part of the package. If you can't handle that, you need to go date some woman who only has female friends. It's not fair to expect her to give her friends. When in a relationship opposite sex friends are not allowed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 When in a relationship opposite sex friends are not allowed. That is ridiculous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 When in a relationship opposite sex friends are not allowed. This guy she met on a OLD site. His intentions aren't about being friends, and she lacks boundaries or is simply naive not to see that. This is how "I have to confess something to you... I met my friend and we got drunk and then we had sex... it just happened"-situations begin, and anyone who doesn't make those boundaries clear at least shouldn't cry about being cheated on because frankly they had it coming. It's like running onto the highway and not expecting to get run over. You can try your luck but your chances are slim, at best. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Why does anybody in a relationship have to give up their dear long time friends for a new BF/GF? If she already had plans with him & you call last minute of course she gets to stay doing whatever she was doing. I'm a firm believer that pre-existing friends are part of the package. If you can't handle that, you need to go date some woman who only has female friends. It's not fair to expect her to give her friends. She doesn't need to be hanging out alone with other dudes. Especially when she KNOWS one of those guys wants to screw her? A true "friend" doesn't want to screw you even though they know you have a boyfriend. It's not fair to expect him to be okay with her hanging out with other dudes alone. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 When in a relationship opposite sex friends are not allowed. I disagree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I have some male friends and my H has some female friends. None that either of us would visit on a one to one basis. I do not believe you can't have opposite sex friends, unless of course individuals are too inherently jealous to handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
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