Introvert who wants to get better but doesn't know how

[stardust87]

Hi everyone,

 

So I just joined here hoping to get in touch with similar people like myself. And really, hoping to hear some advice. I have very few friends, pretty much no hobbies at all and all I do with my life is go to work, spend time with boyfriend and go home. I'm 28 years old, I'm a systems engineer and painfully anxious and shy. when I was in college, I used to be this wild-eyed child, with the biggest and most adventurous dreams, trying all things, taking on risks and laughing about it. I don't know what happened down the road, but each year that passed by, I just withdrew deeper and deeper into myself until I became... this.

 

My boyfriend happened to be the opposite of me: he is popular, has a ton of friends and everyone just adores him. He also has big plans for his life and big dreams, so he is always busy, either with work or travelling. I'm happy for him; he leads such a blessed life. But that made me resent my life and existence more. In effect, I became more needy of him, feeling very insecure about myself and my self-worth. The more I became needy, the less he desires me and the more I start hating him.

 

I am seeing a therapist too because I have anxiety issues as well and a bit of an obsessive personality. I became depressed and I started wishing I do not exist at all, as if existing in itself is just a tiring chore and I'd rather not burden myself with it. Most days, I feel like "if I die today, I'd be okay with it. at least that would offer me some respite." Also, I have had a difficult childhood and some experience with trauma that made me very insecure and needy as an adult.

 

Some would argue that the solution to this is simple: go out, have friends, have a hobby, STOP making your boyfriend the center of your world (which he is at this point, my world and schedule revolves around him). But the problems with that are:

 

a. How do you even make friends? I don't even know where and how do I make new friends.

b. How do you start a hobby? Do you have any suggestions where to begin this?

 

In this city where I live, it's not easy to just walk up to people and make new friends. It's a big, vast city but sometimes I think, the biggest cities have the loneliest people.

 

I'm sorry this has become too long. I want to improve myself and want to become a better version of myself. I just don't know how or where to begin.

[Audacious]

I am an introvert too , so here it goes :

 

There is nothing , absolutely nothing is wrong with being an introvert , many bright people were introverts , Picasso , Beethoven , a bunch of famous writers.

 

To make a new friends is a simple thing , just ask yourself , are pressured to do it ? or you actually want to do it ? if it is the first then knock it off , if it is the second read on .

 

Making friends depends on your definition and expectations of a friendship , if you want people to hang out with , you need to go to a social gathering , a party , something like that , and find people who are interested in what you are interested in no matter what that is , because people like to talk about what piques their interests and get bored with things that are not interested in .

once you meet a person like that , you will "click" , and discover common things between you two , try to take their number and text them and gradually , you will be out with them . One friend can introduce you to a possible 4 or 5 more possible friends and so on .

 

As time passes by , one of your friends might ask you a favor , or to borrow something from you , it is up to you to do it or not , once you do that , it is your choice , do you want him to be indebted to you or not , give and take , tit for tat , do not be a giver who is eager to please but don't be a selfish and a self-centered guy who is always me me me .

 

Try to be positive and talk about positive things , nothing drives people away faster than negativity and complaining .

 

I think that having friends is overrated , I personally have "contacts" rater than friends , I don't trust many of them with my personal details and problems but I CHOOSE to spend time by myself sometimes , to read , write and watch TV shoes on weekends . Some people are interested in that as well , it could be fun discussing how a show ends or what a certain event leads to in a certain show ...etc .

 

Best of luck

[anika99]

OP I'm an introvert and I don't think your problem is that your introverted.

 

 

Introverts have friends, they have hobbies, they enjoy life and they very much enjoy their own company. True introverts are not clingy and needy.

 

 

You don't sound truly introverted because it sounds like you don't really enjoy your time on your own. You want to have a friends of your own and you want to have a life outside of your boyfriend but you are too shy and have too much social anxiety to make that happen. Shyness and social phobias have nothing to do with being an introvert. I used to be a shy introvert but now I'm just an introvert. I relish all the time I have to be on my own but when I need some company I have no problem making that happen.

 

 

Keep seeing your therapist. To make friends you have to put yourself out there and attend social gatherings where making friends is possible. You will never make friends if you are shutting yourself away. There must be something you enjoy besides just work. What did you like to do when you were in college? You will push your bf away if you keep being clingy and needy. Start by doing things just to make yourself feel good. Start working out, take some nature walks or go bike riding. Those things are just as enjoyable alone as they are with someone else. Think about learning something new and joining a class. That way you will be entertaining yourself and at the same time be amongst others who you might be able to strike up a friendship with.

[SpiralOut]

I don't think you're introverted - or if you are, that's not the problem. That's a personality trait that you have from birth. From what you say, you never used to be this way. It sounds to me like something happened that caused you to withdraw. It sounds like you have some anxiety and/or depression.

 

 

Try Meetup groups. It will get you out there and help you to meet people. As for hobbies, try something new and see how you like it. See what activities are available in your area - photography classes, sports teams, writing groups, book clubs. Sign up for something. I am quite shy and I find book clubs are a good place to go, as you're not expected to talk as much as other events.

[Leegh]

I understand how you feel. Possibly you could do volunteer work, maybe for a few hours a day on your days off from work, one example would be at a humane society. This way you would get the satisfaction of helping animals, and I'm sure you would meet people there, who could become friends. In addition, there are probably events in your city which you could attend. Also, if you joined a gym that would be a good way to meet new people, or by taking an exercise class, such as yoga once a week, etc.

[xxoo]

What are your interests? Do you prefer to spend time indoors or outdoors? Are you more active or sedentary? Do you like to work with your hands?

 

Go to your neighborhood library or community center and see what kinds of classes are held or groups meet. Even if you just take a yoga class, you'll get out, be doing something good for your body and mind, and you'll meet a few new people.

 

I agree that your problem sounds more like depression and anxiety than introversion. Introversion doesn't equate to shyness or depression. Most introverts manage just fine socially, but appreciate time alone to relax and unwind.

[freelo]

I love how you asked clear, direct questions and even put them in a neat list! Bravo!

 

A) The key to making friends is to become a person that you'd like to be friends with. Just picture yourself at a social event-who would you want to run into? What kind of person would be your ideal friend? Then do your best to cultivate those qualities and experiences. Once you do, you'll find awesome people to be your friends-like attracts like.

B) Trying to form a new habit or hobby is ALWAYS difficult in the beginning. You have to do something at least 20-ish times before it becomes a part of your life. I always find that our best hobbies come from childhood-think back to a time when you weren't burdened by responsibilities-what kind of interests did you have? What kind of activities did you like? It could be a sport, a creative pursuit or even a volunteer cause-pick ONE thing that you really like and type it into Google or Facebook. You'll find events and groups devoted to that interest near by. Yes, you're gonna need to muster up a lot of courage to go to an event for the first time-but think of how happy you'll be knowing that you were able to conquer your fear! Don't think about it too much or overanalyze-pick an event, write it down and GO.

[stardust87]

Thank you, everyone.

 

You're right -- there is nothing wrong with being introvert and not having a ton of friends. And maybe I am not an introvert at all (because I'm not comfortable on my own). I guess I am just painfully shy and lonely. And compounded with this anxiety and overwhelming helplessness about who I am, I just feel thoroughly defeated.

 

I'm going to try your suggestions here. Meetups sounds like a good potential to expand my social circle, and doing volunteer work (yes, I love taking care of animals.) Probably learn a new musical instrument. I'm going to make a list of things suggested here (my brain works in list format) and hopefully, it works out.

 

I hope if I exude positivism, the universe will reflect that back and attract the same people to me. Here's to hoping.

 

Thank you, again.

[mammasita]

Introvert is not equivalent to shy/lonely and awkward.

 

I am an introvert. I LOVE my alone time. HATE large crowds and malls and anything that attracts a huge amount of spectators. I will pass in a heartbeat.

 

I am not shy or awkward. I can make friends easily and love to strike up conversations with random persons at happy hour.

 

OP, learn how to approach people and strike up conversations. Meet up groups are a great place to start.

[bebe23]

I don't think there is anything wrong with being an introvert. I think you have the wrong definition of the word. According to the Myers-Briggs personality typer, introverts enjoy being alone recharging their batteries, doing things like reading or writing. That's definitely me to a T. I think what you (and me at times!) struggle with is SHYNESS which is also social anxiety when it's severe enough. You know the feeling when you walk into a party and are afraid no one really wants to talk to you or hang out with you? And you might end up sitting in the corner nursing your drink and hoping to go home asap? But on the OTHER hand- you might start up a pleasant small talk with someone, (over something as mundane as the coffee) and end up being a part of a small group who are talking and -you are included! You might not provide any thrilling stories or call attention to yourself that much, but you are there LISTENING and have gotten comfortable with those two or three other people. They like and accept you. One might become a friend months down the road.

 

 

That is what's called "an introvert who is shy but with the ability to socialize and make friends." I'm at that stage right now. At certain times in my life I suffered social anxiety. My extroverted husband would try to drag me to social events and I feigned being sick. I do admit that some antidepressants helped me out of it, and I've stopped taking them a little while ago. I'm still able to be sociable and hold a part time job that is very social. So far, so good!

 

 

I have really only one or two best girlfriends. We don't see each other all the time and I KNOW I should pick up that phone and reach out to them more. I just choose to be home because I like being alone. Introvert isn't a bad thing to be. I'm not dependent on my husband for interaction or entertainment. He's going on a trip with his colleagues in a week, and I will be happy to let him go.

[SerCay]

OP,

 

You might be an introvert and eventually enjoy alone time, but you have to allow yourself. When I first started my quest for self I hated the fact that I was an introvert because society made me think that you have to be extravert and assertive to be successful and happy.

 

Once you start accepting that there is not 1 way and you are perfectly normal, you will slowly enjoy yourself without thinking there's something wrong with you.

 

Good luck!

[Phoe]

I came here to say something, and found that sercay said exactly what I was planning on saying! so I agree 100%

 

As far as hobbies? You can make it as simple or as complicated as you like. If you've always wanted to go skydiving, go for it! If you're just as content to curl up at home and do a crossword puzzle, do that too. Hobbies are simply things you like spending time doing, no matter how big or small.

[Satu]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

That list extends into infinity...

[Elliotte]

On the one hand, being introverted isn't bad, enjoying alone time and not needing a lot of friends is not a bad thing. But I'm not going to deny there aren't negative aspects to introversion, its not all fun and acceptable. Often a lot of it comes from deep seated issues, social anxiety, depression, etc!

 

I am glad you also are looking at your anxiety and depression with a therapist. I have done the same, take some meds for it, and joined a martial arts class, and my confidence have never been better. I am still a pretty solitary fellow but when I am out with other people I don't feel anxious and awkward anymore. I am a tall guy, and I used to try to blend into the background, now I carry myself more without worrying about being noticed! I can talk with others better and have a lot more confidence in myself. Of course it didn't cause me to suddenly become Mr Popular, but I feel like I've been able to bond with those around me much more naturally, feel more confident with my relationship, parenting, friends, acquaintances and strangers. Ultimately, I improved myself immeasurably and have become better socially as a byproduct from that improvement.

 

I wish the same for you, it's hard work but it really, REALLY helps your life get better!

[skydiveaddict]

I want to improve myself and want to become a better version of myself. I just don't know how or where to begin.

 

 

Start skydiving.

[Satu]

Start skydiving.

 

And/or flying

[Kamila]

I'm an introvert too, and there's nothing wrong with it.

 

As for making friends, that's harder. Real friends will accept who you are. So don't try to change for them.

[anika99]

On the one hand, being introverted isn't bad, enjoying alone time and not needing a lot of friends is not a bad thing. But I'm not going to deny there aren't negative aspects to introversion, its not all fun and acceptable. Often a lot of it comes from deep seated issues, social anxiety, depression, etc!

 

 

Again, people who shut themselves away for the reasons you stated above, are not true introverts. Being an introvert has nothing to do with social anxiety or depression. The test for introversion/extroversion basically comes down to this: If being in the company of other people energizes a person and makes them feel replenished they are an extrovert. If being in the company of other people drains a person and makes them feel like they need some time alone with their thoughts to replenish themselves then they are an introvert.

 

 

Introverts love people and they do like to socialize and talk but only in short spurts. Usually for only a few hours at a time. Then they need to get away and be on their own for a bit. If someone isn't socializing due to low self esteem or depression then they do need to address that. Also almost nobody is 100% introverted or extroverted. Most people fall somewhere in the middle, some leaning more towards extroversion and some leaning more toward introversion. I would say that I lean far to the side of introversion and I can spend many hours, even days, alone and feel happy and content but not to the point that I don't need people at all.

[lino]

Be thankful that you have a boyfriend that is into you and cares for you and has you along for the ride of the life of his which you seem to envy.

 

You're lucky you aren't a man. Guys in your situation wouldn't have what you have as women outright resent shy and awkward men.

[Elliotte]

Again, people who shut themselves away for the reasons you stated above, are not true introverts. Being an introvert has nothing to do with social anxiety or depression. The test for introversion/extroversion basically comes down to this: If being in the company of other people energizes a person and makes them feel replenished they are an extrovert. If being in the company of other people drains a person and makes them feel like they need some time alone with their thoughts to replenish themselves then they are an introvert.

 

I disagree that it is such a black and white issue. In my experience, every person is somewhere in the gray area between introvert and extrovert, there is no such thing as one being "true" to one or the other. I feel replenished in different ways, with quiet alone time, or being with a large group of people.

 

Also, in my experience, those who are extremely one or the other both suffer from issues that contribute to socializing or lack thereof. Furthermore, EVERYONE deals with their own set of issues, so how would you possibly discern whether someone is TRULY one or the other, and that those issues do not affect their social abilities at all?

 

Largely considering myself an introvert, I've read books like Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, as well as many other books, articles, etc. All the ones that attempt to simplify it down to a binary situation I do not agree with.

[chomps]

First things first, if you aren't getting results from your therapist, for the love of all that is good in this world, SWITCH! If you've been to a couple sessions and haven't gotten any relief, you need to find someone else, perhaps someone who specializes in obsessive traits.

 

Secondly, it doesn't sound as if your boyfriend takes care of you emotionally. It sounds to me (based on my study of Dr. Sue Johnson's work) that you don't feel very important to your boyfriend or to anyone in general. You need to realize that dismissing your emotional needs the way our effed up society likes to do is only hurting you and making your situation worse. You are hurt, scared, and lonely. It's hard to do anything productive when you feel like that. Stop being so hard on yourself. The solution is to have a deep-down, heart-to-heart with your boyfriend about how you are feeling and what you need to not feel hurt, scared, and lonely. That is basically the foundation of every kind of relationship: do you feel emotionally safe with this person? When you can answer yes, you will feel so much better!