I've fallen in love with my best friend

[Clefable]

Hi! I'm new here, so sorry if this is in the wrong place. I think this could easily fit into at least three other parts of the forum...

 

I'm a 26-year-old male living in Essex in England, and I have never been very confident around women. I have never been on a proper date, or gone beyond second base (and even that was aged 15 and for no apparent reason), or been asked for anything even close to sex by someone who wasn't a professional, drunk or a "bike", or... well, you get the idea. I have even tried four different online sites, and not received one single message (not including generic messages such as multi-member icebreakers and fake profiles)! In fact, I almost wish that I had said yes the one time a girl asked me out – even though I knew I couldn’t rely on her to be faithful to me.

 

Anyway, eight years ago, I met a girl on a mandatory college trip to the local University for an open day. She is seven months younger than me, and she is a near-perfect match for me. At the time she was in a relationship, which I guess made it easier for our friendship to blossom into something more meaningful than if we had jumped straight in at the deep end.

 

Over time, we got closer and closer, but she went through quite a few boyfriends whereas I failed to even get off the start line. And partly as a result of this she became a counsellor-of-sorts to me, whereby she would guide me in the world of trying to find a girlfriend, but we never really got anywhere. The closest I got to actually having a date was successfully asking a girl out on one occasion, only for her to call it off a few hours later, and another scenario in which a girl turned me down because she had had bad experiences with people who weren't of the same religious inclination to her.

 

A few months ago, she split up with her latest boyfriend and has been single ever since. The last time I saw them together (literally a few days earlier) I could tell something wasn't quite right and it was almost like she wanted me more than him, and needless to say, as much as her boyfriend and I were ourselves good friends, I wanted her.

 

Now, on paper, this seems like a dream scenario. We have very similar interests; we both love to travel, we both love the same kinds of games (especially Pokémon - hence my username), we both love creative arts, and so on. We have never argued, and always help one-another. We have slept in the same room on countless occasions, even where it hasn’t been practical to do so. We have talked about co-writing a novel, and maybe more as well. We can easily tolerate eachother’s imperfections, and habits we aren’t so keen on. We are even planning on going on holiday together - just the two of us. In fact, I am 80% certain that she would ask me out if she wasn’t the kind of girl who always expects the guy to make the first move.

 

However, there are problems, and this is why I have signed up to this forum asking for advice. Two of these are obvious; one, I’ve never successfully asked someone out (not including the example listed above), and two, she’s my best friend and I don’t want to destroy our special relationship. The third one is a bit different - she lives 185 miles (almost 300km) away, and even though she and I both love to travel a four-hour journey time isn’t exactly convenient or cheap, and neither of us is currently able to move closer to the other unless she is open to the idea of me moving in with her.

 

What should I do? In situations like this she has always been the person to help me, but now she’s the subject of my affection, and I’m scared about what might happen as a result of my asking her out – regardless of her answer.

 

Thank you in advance! I just hope she doesn’t read this...

[Audacious]

First , you need to be more positive and confident about yourself .

stop wallowing in self-pity , if you're not confident , you won't be able to get any girl , mind you , your best friend .

 

I have been in a similar situation kinda , she had the same feelings I had for her , yet still , it ended rather horridly . but that is not a rule , just throwing it out there .

 

Please , answer these points if you will :

 

1- She knows all of your insecurities and self-doubts , all of your rejection and lack of confidence , do you think that she will be ok to be with someone with all of that ( sorry for being kinda harsh ) but its a legit question .

 

2- She is a woman , women always sense when someone likes them in a non-platonic sort of way , has she given you any signs that she interested ? any encouraging gestures ? behaviors ? look carefully , study her looks and body language and determine that for yourself

 

3- Are you ready , in the worst case scenario , to lose that friendship ? are you ready to risk all of that for a shot with her ? if Yes , go for it , if you absolutely need that friendship in your life , then you must be MIGHTY sure

before you even think of realistically the doing the first move .

 

waiting for your feedback pal , or "mate" as you guys say in England

Edited April 11, 2015 by Audacious
grammar correction . sorta

[Clefable]

Thank you for your response

 

 

I'm not sure I can give a concrete answer to any of your questions, but I will try. (As of now, I shall refer to my best friend as S.) And before I start, sorry to hear about your situation...

 

 

(1) The guy S split up with a few months ago was fairly similar to me in the sense that he had confidence issues and the like. I specifically remembering him once saying something like this: "I was a virgin before I met S, and if I can do it, you can do it" (in the context of me telling him hard I found it). So it wouldn't be a first for her, but I'm not sure how easily she could do it again. That said, he was her longest-term boyfriend to date, so she can't be that bothered by confidence issues and the like.

 

 

(2) I find it naturally difficult to read body language (due to disability) so physical signs often go straight over my head - S knows this. However, I can use verbal cues and the like and she has been far more into the idea of us meeting up whenever possible since she broke up with her ex The holiday idea is a good example of this; S was interested when I first brought it up (when she was still with the other guy, who was due to come along) but it was only when she became single that she started taking it seriously, at which point it practically exploded into life. She also showed me something she had made for herself, and then immediately led the discussion into the idea of her making something similar to me - something I didn't even need to tell her, because she knew what I would say. We have also met on several occasions when something has gone wrong, including her being ill twice (once seriously) and me having one of the worst days of my life from a travelling perspective. Heck, something even went wrong last time, and yet she still put off seeing her grandmother just so she could she me for a few hours...

 

 

(3) This is the hard bit. S is practically my life, save for my nieces. To lose her would be devastating - having her live so far away is hard enough. But I also know that she understands me in a way that no other adult female does, and the one time I did ask a close friend out - the religious girl I mentioned before - our friendship became stronger because of it. So as much as I am worried that things could go wrong, I am also hopeful that things can stay strong between us even if any hypothetical relationship between us went badly. As an extra plus, she is still close friends with every ex she was already friends with before they started dating (to the best of my knowledge anyway), so the precedent is there.

 

 

Sorry for the long responses, but I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say and that it answers your points. I know in my heart I love S and I also know that she sees me as a special friend, and that (uniquely among my female friends) she wouldn't be put off by the distance between us, but I'm still fretting about this...

 

 

Thank you again to everyone who responds to my thread.

[Syberia]

Your situation sounds so much similar to mine it's almost creepy, right down to your and this girl's interest in Pokemon at a possibly unhealthy age! I, too, had a female friend I had knows for several years, through multiple other relationships on both of our parts, kept from being together by distance (400 miles in our case) even though I liked her and wanted more for my part.

 

My situation was different in that I was going to be going to college a much more workable distance (1 hour) from her very shortly. I figured that I'd probably work up the courage to tell her how I felt once this happened. I never got the chance, because she beat me to it. We dated for a few months, moved in together, and have now been married for almost 5 years. So yes, relationships between long time friends can work, and when they do, they work very well. Since we both knew each other so well already, there was never any pressure, awkwardness, or any of the other issues or anxieties that come with a new partner.

 

Your issue is obviously going to be distance, and even if she thinks things would otherwise work, she may not want to try because of that. All you can do is take a chance and ask.

[Bohonia]

Can i ask why you are rushing it? She just broke up with her BF you guys are friends so obviously she's not going to disappear on you. She lives miles away and right now and you even stated that that is a problem. Honestly I would suggest working on your confidence and your goals in life and living your purpose until the timing is right. She's not going anywhere. You could tease her and say so lets get married and have babies I think we would make some pretty cute kids and feel out her response, but honestly I think you are diving at the first opportunity without even considering if she wants to date anyone right now...

[Audacious]

Thank you for your response

 

 

I'm not sure I can give a concrete answer to any of your questions, but I will try. (As of now, I shall refer to my best friend as S.) And before I start, sorry to hear about your situation...

 

 

(1) The guy S split up with a few months ago was fairly similar to me in the sense that he had confidence issues and the like. I specifically remembering him once saying something like this: "I was a virgin before I met S, and if I can do it, you can do it" (in the context of me telling him hard I found it). So it wouldn't be a first for her, but I'm not sure how easily she could do it again. That said, he was her longest-term boyfriend to date, so she can't be that bothered by confidence issues and the like.

 

 

(2) I find it naturally difficult to read body language (due to disability) so physical signs often go straight over my head - S knows this. However, I can use verbal cues and the like and she has been far more into the idea of us meeting up whenever possible since she broke up with her ex The holiday idea is a good example of this; S was interested when I first brought it up (when she was still with the other guy, who was due to come along) but it was only when she became single that she started taking it seriously, at which point it practically exploded into life. She also showed me something she had made for herself, and then immediately led the discussion into the idea of her making something similar to me - something I didn't even need to tell her, because she knew what I would say. We have also met on several occasions when something has gone wrong, including her being ill twice (once seriously) and me having one of the worst days of my life from a travelling perspective. Heck, something even went wrong last time, and yet she still put off seeing her grandmother just so she could she me for a few hours...

 

 

(3) This is the hard bit. S is practically my life, save for my nieces. To lose her would be devastating - having her live so far away is hard enough. But I also know that she understands me in a way that no other adult female does, and the one time I did ask a close friend out - the religious girl I mentioned before - our friendship became stronger because of it. So as much as I am worried that things could go wrong, I am also hopeful that things can stay strong between us even if any hypothetical relationship between us went badly. As an extra plus, she is still close friends with every ex she was already friends with before they started dating (to the best of my knowledge anyway), so the precedent is there.

 

 

Sorry for the long responses, but I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say and that it answers your points. I know in my heart I love S and I also know that she sees me as a special friend, and that (uniquely among my female friends) she wouldn't be put off by the distance between us, but I'm still fretting about this...

 

 

Thank you again to everyone who responds to my thread.

 

dude , your response is laden with self - pity , you seriously need to work on that , if you love her that much , you will be able to determine if she is in to you or not and if she is believe me , she will accept you as you are with all your vices and virtues .

 

I would listen to what Bohonia said , it is very interesting and it was actually one of my previous mistakes with my friend that I fell in love with and then lost but I do not regret it at all , it is always better to do something and regret it rather than be consumed by the what if's and what might have been's .

 

- Be careful of being best friends with a woman who is seemingly interesting but won't give you any clues , those women always want a back up guy in case everything goes south in their relationships , they'll give you a false hope as they go from a relationship to another in their search of the perfect guy all before your eyes , knowing your infatuation with them don't be anyone's safety net , do not be on a string with someone . it is for your to determine , rationally , whether she is that type or not .

 

you cannot be a loyal friend and companion without admitting your feelings for her , do not disguise your love for her under the mask of friendship YET tread carefully , get yourself out of the friend zone , gradually , give her hints here and there , see how she'll react , text her every now and then , and between each 3 or 4 texts sent a text that a BF would send, flattering her audaciously and see how she'll react ,

 

create a strategic distance to see if her heart grow even fonder , do not be always available , never reply to her texts immediately and do not pick up on the first ring .

 

see how would that work out ,

 

Best of luck to you

[casey.lives]

your best friend already cares for you and understands you, and you he.. it shouldn't be hard. seems quite promising..