Can you forgive and make it work

[Midwestmissy]

OP, it is so soon after your discovery. Please only focus on self care right now, in little increments. I'm 7mos out and my heart breaks for you - trust me, feel it all and it will dissipate with time. I promise. Ask yourself constantly if your actions are respectful to your mind and body (I hit the bottle a bit too often, made anxiety and judgement worse) and maintain your dignity. The only way to the other side is going thru.

 

Rest, water, move your body a bit, eat if you can. You don't have to rush any decisions, but you have to be healthy and solid in order to make wise ones. You're going to be okay - and what you're experiencing is real, normal and totally valid.

[stillafool]

Is the OP still with us?

[Nobodyimportant]

Yes still here and reading your replies and thank you all for your advice

As far as I'm aware he is not seein his ap he is staying at his sister but he could just be lying to me. I'm not ready to make a decision about him at the moment but he thinks I should know already. I know I still love him but I hate him too

I think his choice of ap is almost as painful as his betrayal

I'm taking one day at a time

[Lion Heart]

Yes still here and reading your replies and thank you all for your advice

As far as I'm aware he is not seein his ap he is staying at his sister but he could just be lying to me. I'm not ready to make a decision about him at the moment but he thinks I should know already. I know I still love him but I hate him too

I think his choice of ap is almost as painful as his betrayal

I'm taking one day at a time

 

Dear N.important,

 

I'm a BW just 4 months since my D Day. It also was not a run to me with honesty act.

 

There is so much about this thread that I want to respond to but most will be later.

 

Firstly I'm sorry for your pain. No one is in your exact situation and others will have various opinions. The one thing that all innocent spouses feel is the deepest betrayal to their core.

Unless you have been betrayed in this fashion, a person can't even begin to imagine the pain you're going through. This very fact, for me, is the worst part of my pain post D Day. My WH can't even begin.

 

There are SO many things for you to deal with. WAY too many thoughts, questions, emotions and pressing physical things you must do for your family even while in this devastated place.

I understand. I have children too. It's gut wrenching.

 

The overwhelming decisions you feel pressed to make ie. should I try, should D, should should should.

KNOW you don't have to make ANY DECISION ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL except what to make for dinner. When to see your IC. You need to tell your closest people. You need their love and support. They all ask, EVERYONE INCLUDING WH ASKS, what do you want, what are you gonna do, what blah blah blah.

 

This urgent need in EVERYONE ELSE is not your need necessarily. Sure I was in IC 3 days later begging for clarity! 3 days! I wanted all major decisions to have happened IMMEDIATELY! I'M SO GLAD I WENT TO IC immediately. I needed to. The grief was SO overwhelming that I thought I needed to be committed to a mental institution.

 

But still 4 months later a lot more is clear but I do not have "clarity" about the path I should take. Not at all.

 

The one thing I learnt to say to everyone after 1 month including WH was "I have an exit plan. I will execute it if and when I choose".

 

If you stay hanging in a situation where you need WH financially (or for any other reason) - he knows it. They play on this. They play on EVERYTHING this is just another thing they DEPEND on. YOU NEEDING them. For anything.

 

Get a very practical plan in place NOW. Mine was completed by week 4. Now it's had to change but I'm sticking steadfastly to my exit plan. It's my life buoy in a tempest, or the worst storm I never created.

 

I don't know the laws etc where you live but most DEFINITELY get to and register for Child Support. Now. Even if you don't need his money. This act shows WH your resoluteness over the situation as it stands.

 

Get an account in your name only. Have any pays of yours and govt help and child support put in there. I don't prescribe to any acts of vengeance or stuff like that. But I absolutely DO prescribe to FULL CONSEQUENCES.

 

I'll tell you what I did. I moved all monies of mine from our only joint account. We'd had "separate finances" for almost a decade. I just secured my own money.

I stopped paying the mortgage on D Day. I refuse to pay for it until it's in my name only. NO before the others chime in and say it's not all about money, I'll say you try feeding children on air. Yes as a single parent you DO have to think about how you will provide 100 % for your children. If you depend on WH then they can try to play you like a puppet on a string. I'm saying cut those strings and SHOW them IMMEDIATELY that not only CAN you do this without them, you sure as HE** WILL forever if need be.

 

Start clearing the house for sale if that's part of your exit plan.

The funniest thing happened here. The very week I said to my WH that I was willing to let him go and sell the house to make a clean break, a Real Estate agent put a For Sale sign up! I was at work ignoring WHs frantic calls. I couldn't answer, I was in a meeting for 2 hours. Meanwhile WH was CRAZY running around trying to find the exact person who put the sign up, he'd ripped it out of the ground. How hilarious! They'd meant to put it 2 doors down! This was ALL resolved by the time I got home.

I hadn't contacted an agent because he wasn't leaving. Boy was this an eye opener for ME!

 

You see, even if they do move back, you can never be sure at least for me now, WHY they came back. In my particular situation, my WH was at his OWs on my DAYS OFF. He could've been doing that with me. THIS act of his quite cemented my opinion that he literally chose OW in real time over me. At worst he was just here "for the children" as he told OW, and would D me when they left home. At best he's a cake-eater. I completely believe he's a cake-eater and we will be D sooner than that!

 

Seriously I've spent most of the past 4 months trying to work WH out! He chose IC and has been diagnosed at least with some things. His behaviours since D Day have lead me to believe that he's got WAY more diagnoses to come.

 

My time is better spent on me. My children. My exit plan. Rebuilding my life and future without him.

I called the first 4 weeks "Ground Hog Days".

It's been the reconciliation from he**. Like living in a nightmare 24/7 with no respite. My realization is that HE is my nightmare.

He disturbs our peace.

 

I may have parts of me that grieve for our family and the dreams we shared for our future but I can see now that it's most likely the better of the 2 paths to separate in preparation for D.

 

Best wishes it's so soon for you. Try to stay strong for yourself. It's difficult for a while to operate as "half of the whole" you thought you had in your relationship but obviously that was merely a figment of your imagination, as in mine. They were getting their "whole" somewhere else.

 

Lion Heart.

Edited April 16, 2015 by Lion Heart

[lgspot]

I've been with my husband for 25 years I met him when I was sixteen we have two children which we adopted because we had troubles in conceiving natural so we have had our fair share of stresses in life....

Then four weeks ago I come home early from work my husband was off sick so I thought I would surprise him but I was the one in for a surprise... There was a friends car parked outside my house I went inside to my husband running upto me in his shorts asking why I'm home I walk into my living room to find this friend pulling up her pants ....... It turns out that they had been having an affair for a year and a half ...I am totally devastated I don't no what to do I have kicked him out and don't no whether this will be forever he says he is sorry and wants to come home but I can't get the images out of my mind I feel like such a loser ... My children have had such a rubbish start to life do I put them through a divorce as well or do I try again can you trust them again

He's own dad was a serial cheater and left his mum for another woman when he was only three he swore to me he would never do this to me because he has seen the pain that it causes I would off staked my life on that he wouldn't of betrayed me like this.

I am so very sorry this has happened to you.

Sadly, you cannot un-see what you have seen.

I suspect I will remember forever the look on my ex's face when I walked in.

That's been several years ago, but I still replay the "deer in headlights" look in her eyes when I see her.

My choice was no R. Key point, it is your choice what you do. No one can make that decision for you.

Perhaps the best advice I ever got for situations like yours (like mine) was, "when you don't know what to do---do nothing...." Until you are sure....

If possible, get counseling and keep coming to LS and read other's stories. It helps to know you are not alone.

 

Also remember, they lie...

"he swore to me he would never do this to me because he has seen the pain that it causes I would off staked my life on that he wouldn't of betrayed me like this."

Everything you believed before, you must re-examine.

Key question, are you better off with him or without him???

Blessings and keep coming back.

YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!!

[merrmeade]

Yes still here and reading your replies and thank you all for your advice

As far as I'm aware he is not seein his ap he is staying at his sister but he could just be lying to me. I'm not ready to make a decision about him at the moment but he thinks I should know already. I know I still love him but I hate him too

I think his choice of ap is almost as painful as his betrayal

I'm taking one day at a time

Dear NI, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. For me, it was truly the more painful thing I've ever experienced and because the AP was also someone I was close to, it was like going through two separate betrayals.

 

That you're not ready to make a decision is the best place for you to be for a while. I regret many things, but in particular if I had the chance to do it over I would take the advice of the first therapist I saw. She told me just to forget about my husband for a few months at least. She advised me to get the help I needed and not make any decisions about the long-term future. Instead, I rushed us into marriage counseling with someone else, which we were both too numb and stunned to benefit from. I wish I'd done the individual counseling from the beginning.

 

So just take care of yourself. Find the right friends or family members to help you feel loved and cherished, to express outrage on your behalf and make you feel jimportant, valued. Don't expect anything from him right now. Just take care of yourself - whatever it takes.

[Nobodyimportant]

I do have my own account which my money and child benefits go into so financial I'm ok for the time being one thing I don't need to worry about at the moment.

 

I should sort out some counselling but I'm not a great talker I've done it once before for Fertility treatment and found I just couldn't open up. It does help reading everyone's story's to know I'm not alone.

I don't no who my friends are anymore his AP was part of our circle of friends I find myself wondering did they all know was I just the joke. I do just want to bury my head in the sand until it all goes away but I know I can't do that for the sake of me and my kids.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I agree with those that say, you don't have to make an immediate decision. I think you are doing better than you think. Few people that find out their spouse is cheating actually catches them with their pants down....literally. These images are likely to never leave your mind completely,though it doesn't have to rule your life. I think that you need to gather information.

 

1. Look at the phone bill and look at phone calls to OW and any phone number you don't recognize.

2. Have husband write out an account of this and any other inappropriate relationships.

3. Consult with an attorney, you don't have to file, but you need to know your legal position.

4. It appears that you have already separated finances, which is good.

5. Set up child visitation and support.

6. Enroll in counseling and work through this situation for yourself.

 

There is no timetable that you have to meet, regardless what other want from you. If you decide to reconcile, I would recommend couples therapy and the need to open all media and devices to your review. I believe that most relationships can be repaired, if both parties work to fix the problems. However, this has to be based on an open honest relationship and the wayward spouse being contrite and willing to do what it takes to repair this mess. Only you can decide if you can forgive, some people can quickly, while others never do. It isn't a not a right or wrong to reconcile, it is just what you have to decide to do or move on in life. I recommend you take some time to let emotions settle and then make a command decision.

[aliveagain]

I've been with my husband for 25 years I met him when I was sixteen we have two children which we adopted because we had troubles in conceiving natural so we have had our fair share of stresses in life....

Then four weeks ago I come home early from work my husband was off sick so I thought I would surprise him but I was the one in for a surprise... There was a friends car parked outside my house I went inside to my husband running upto me in his shorts asking why I'm home I walk into my living room to find this friend pulling up her pants ....... It turns out that they had been having an affair for a year and a half ...I am totally devastated I don't no what to do I have kicked him out and don't no whether this will be forever he says he is sorry and wants to come home but I can't get the images out of my mind I feel like such a loser ... My children have had such a rubbish start to life do I put them through a divorce as well or do I try again can you trust them again

He's own dad was a serial cheater and left his mum for another woman when he was only three he swore to me he would never do this to me because he has seen the pain that it causes I would off staked my life on that he wouldn't of betrayed me like this.

 

Sorry you have been put through this double betrayal, husband and a so called friend. I guess he was too sick to go to work but wasn't too sick to have sex in your living room. Perhaps being sick was planned, what a great way to have a mini holiday with O/W and not have the expense of paying for a hotel. Please tell me the children were at school. This woman is no friend of yours, friends don't bang another friends husband and at the same time disrespect their sanctuary by using the home you raise your children in as her secret fu*k nest. Bringing another woman into your home shows serious disrespect on the part of your husband. A 18 month affair is not a mistake, it takes a lot of planning and deception to carry it off. Promising you that he would never betray you like this just proves that cheaters are liars.

 

Have you exposed O/W to her husband, boyfriend, family? Do so immediately. Demand your husband tell you who in your circle of friends are aware of their infidelity and cut them out of your life immediately, they by withholding the information from you became their accomplices. Make sure you are with him when he gets tested for STD's(you have to request that they test for all STD's, herpes is not always tested for unless you request it). Tell the doctor why you need the testing done so he does the necessary tests, the humiliation of being tested is a deterrent for future infidelity.

 

If reconciliation is what you want, have all your demands and requirements for staying in the marriage ready, your strongest at time of confrontation. He maybe more willing to accept reconciliation requirements now when he is trying to save the marriage that he may not be willing to accept later when he is feeling stronger. Things to consider should include, independent counselling(why he allowed himself approval to cheat), transparency, access to all passwords, boundaries regarding friendships with women, him agreeing to a post nuptial agreement giving you most of the assets of the marriage should you divorce because of a new infidelity( they may be hard to enforce but he will have to prove that in court and the financial cost to do so is in itself a deterrent), and whatever other requirements you need to make yourself feel safe again. Get rid of any facilitators, people that helped their affair. Forgiveness is a gift and has to be earned, make him do the work to keep you in the marriage. Do not stay because of the children.

 

Change your name,"Somebodyimportant"

Edited April 18, 2015 by aliveagain