Am i being unreasonable?

[rosebarnes]

I will try to make this brief.

 

Husband and I have been married almost 3 years. Living separated for one. No kids. I moved out a year ago because we were having issues about finances (lack of money) and me being naggy. Let me say the reason for nagging was he is extremely passive aggressive. (We tried marriage counseling he went a few times but refused to go back because he said it caused us to fight more) He says something and expects me to figure out what he really means. This led to a bunch of communication issues because when i tried talking about issues he would avoid them. Avoid avoid. I became frustrated and started to nag in hopes that if i said/asked enough (questions about how can we improve our marriage, etc) i would get an answer. Didn't work because it pushed him further away he said he was unsure about our future together and so i moved out a year ago and signed a lease. Before moving out I asked if he needed space and if it would be best for me to move and he said he was unsure but leaning towards the idea on me getting an apartment. He remained unsure (I waited) for many months before I decided to make the decision and move out.

 

for 6 months....I did beg him for awhile to try to get back together and he remained unsure. Thats when i realized for the first time that I was a nag. So i stopped bringing it up and went on with my life but still let him know the door was open for our marriage.

 

5 months after that (this February). He remained hot and cold. Unsure about things so I said enough was enough. I cut all contact and told him to only contact me once he has made up his mind. He took him only a few days of me ignoring his breadcrumb texts of: I love you...thinking about you....before he finally broke down and asked me to come home. Said he missed me and wanted to get back together. We talked and I was very open to him.

 

Now its April and things have been great since February. We have been spending a bunch of time together, he wears his wedding band again and I wear mine. He spend at least 3 nights a week at each other's place, we go out on dates, laugh a lot and he sends a bunch of sweet messages throughout the day telling me how much he loves me.

 

Now that all is well and have been for little over a month of everything being perfect, I asked if i should move back in. Now he says he is unsure. What is that? Unsure when he was the one who cried and almost broke my door down to get me to talk to him and work on our marriage. I asked what the issue was and he said he does not know. It hurt me because I thought we were fine.

 

The urgency comes because my lease is now up and I am being charged a higher rate for not being under contract. I can not afford it. I explained it to him and said I have to make a decision to sign another lease or move back in and he said he has to think about it.]

 

Let me say that I am almost certain there is no other woman.

 

Am I expecting too much for only a short time of us being back on great terms? Am I being unreasonable? A decision has to be made soon. What should I do?

[tojaz]

That's a tough question to answer without knowing his side of things. Dating (which is basically what the two of you have been doing since Feb.) is a lot less difficult and a lot less commitment then actually living married 24/7.

 

That carries a steep learning curve, and it's possible that one or even both of you weren't quite ready for that, and sounds like he still isn't.

 

Continuing to live separated could be a good compromise, but only so long as you both are in agreement that you are working towards a common goal... living together in a healthy marriage again. Don't assume that is his goal, be very clear what his intentions are. If you aren't both on the same page on that, then nothing else really matters. Your just dating.

 

If you are both pointed in the same direction, you can possibly compromise by asking your landlord for a shorter term lease, say 3-6 months while the two of you work out whatever needs to come next.

 

Might also be worth suggesting you guys revisit MC with a new counselor now that things have calmed a bit and you both have a more firm foundation to build on.

 

TOJAZ

[rosebarnes]

I understand. 3-6 months seems reasonable but I do not have that time because I have to sign a lease that would involve another year of us living apart.

 

He has mentioned before that his goal is to certainly have a healthy marriage again but his actions are not really reflecting that. He did not mention me moving back in just yet. Maybe i am being unrealistic in thinking things would go back to normal in a month but I cannot wait on him to make a decision any longer simply because I cannot afford it financially to not sign another lease for too long.

 

What should I do? Sign the lease or pay a higher rate (I can afford to pay for a short time) for the next three months until he decides?

[Yasuandio]

He gave you a perfectly clear answer: "I'm not sure." (Gag).

 

Now, you must accept that this response is not an enthusiastic "yes," as it should be, if you were on the same page.

 

I have an idea for you. Look into Mimi Tanner's "Reverse Ultimatum." Essentially, it promotes going about your "charmed life" without him in it, as if everything is fine, and you have accepted it. Take a trip somewhere, go study this extremely excellent program, and get on with your life.

 

Make decisions not based on him, or his possible change in position. His position is clear - and you are standing around in LIMBO-LAND, of your own choice. There is no reason to remind him of the lease or contract situation, he has been provided this information, period.

 

So, now, you are a free bird. Maybe you will re-sign a short lease at this place, or a one year lease. Or, maybe you might like a different venue - move to another area, get a change of scenery - since you are making a one year commitment most likely. Say nothing about.

 

The Reverse Ultimatum is no ultimatum at all. Your actions present the ultimatum - and, here to forward, the next steps are getting your next housing contract. He has nothing to do with that.

 

Actually, your value has also suddenly gone up, and you are no longer as available. Believe that, hold your head high, and do it.

 

You must now commit to NEVER nagging again. It got you no where, right? When you are living the "charmed life," you don't have time to deal with situations that require nagging. That is the new you. The by-product of being the "charmed one" is that you are more attractive being a non-nagger.

 

Not, I advise you to get real with the statement your husband made, in light of the enjoyable dates you thought you were having with him. Upon your wish to come home at the end of the lease, since things were getting better, his response that "he is not sure" was a kick in the teeth (in my book).

 

Since you are going to be living the "charmed life," (should you take my advice), that doesn't mean you are a dummy. You are just too nice to say what you should be thinking: "That is the marital home, dude, and don't you forget that, jackazz." He has a lot of nerve stringing you along like this. Keep that conduct, that seems to be, historically, his "pattern," in mind.

 

But be cordial, BUT, short on time. If he finds you, simply mirror the words right back, "oh, I'm not sure, gotta go." Popular, charmed women of high value always "have to get going!" And how can you be sure, you have a lease commitment for a year - a lit of things can change during your "charmed life" in 365 days.

 

You can get a lot of Mimi Tanner's material on free emails. Sign up for the free email newsletter for EVERY publication, especially Reverse Ultimatum. I really think you will enjoy this author. Yas

 

If your still interested, I'll try to re-read mine, if I can find it, and see if I can give a couple more tips.

[rosebarnes]

Thank you for replying.

 

I must say that I tried everything you mentioned awhile ago. I moved out. Changed the scenery. Didn't pressure him in anyway. I went on with my life. I went from no contact to limited contact.

 

The result of that was exactly what you said would happen. He made a decision to reconcile. I did not immediately Rush to take him back. I thought on it for a while and after heavy convincing from him (calling constantly, visiting, crying, and long speeches about how he wanted me back). I waited until he came out and said lets try again before I even agreed to seeing him.

 

So I did that, and now here we are. He asked me to think about working on our marriage and I said I would. He asked if we were back together and I said yes but lets see how things go and then discuss taking it to the next level. He happy agreed and started wearing his band again.

 

Now that things are going well I brought up moving back in like we had discussed upon him first asking for another chance. Now he is hesitant. I don't get it because it was his idea.

 

I've been there so what do I do next?

[Yasuandio]

Let's say, since February, when he broke down, and said the magic words "I want you back," or something to this effect, you began talking, taking it slow, and perhaps resumed you "marital relations (in the marital bed). Now, (February, March, Early April), after 2 and a half months of wearing your wedding bands again, you want to come home to the marital dwelling.

 

That makes perfectly logical sense. It is your home, also (don't forget that). And, it is a perfectly sound financial decision - IF you are to remain married. It is also an obvious next step IF you are going to remain married.

 

Therefore, my point is that your wish is perfectly logical. You have been working on you personal issues of "nagging," -- and, you don't want to go back there. The question remains, has he been working and evolved an any of his issues (passive-aggressive, avoid-avoid)?

 

So, what happens, you present the next logical step, due to the pending lease, and he pulls an "I'm not sure" on you. Your response is confusion, being rattled about what sort of lease you might consider, or even if you can afford a short term lease to "wait out" husband's indecisiveness.

 

The answer to this, then, is to not react in the same way, by nagging. Because, actually, his sudden indecisiveness is PA, and he is expecting you to REACT via nagging. Don't fall into the trap - as he will be controlling you. Break this unhealthy pattern NOW.

 

You gave him the informative, he gave you some PA. The trick here is to no longer enable his PA by nagging (which is how he will interpret you reasonable need to know what the eff is going, so you know what yo do about the lease).

 

Since he provided you a "non-answer" to your request to move back to the marital home, then, react accordingly.

 

Look at it this way: If you go in to ask where you paycheck is, and your employer say, I don't know," how are you going to proceed? Are you going to keep working at this place when you don't get a response about why you haven't received your pay check?

 

You were fired from the the business partnership, and asked to live elsewhere. Your business partner (husband) sought your valuable services as wife, and came looking for you, and wanted to become business partners again. Now the time has come to sign the papers, and open the store. And your former business partner "is not sure" now, after negotiations. It is that simple.

 

What are ya gonna do, run after him, begging and pleading, "Please be my business partner again!" Heck No!

You would normally drop the subject and walk away from the table.

 

OK, that is what I do (as, this old business partner is effing around with my pocketbook now). Let me explain. I have to ask myself, do I want to keep paying the rates to stay at this hotel and continue negotiations, after this slap in the face? After all, he is sitting on what is my investment also, the "good store." And here I have spent a year of wages paying rent on a "second rate store" that ain't as nice. Why is he in control and deriving the enjoyment of the partnership's investment in the "good store?"

 

That said, maybe you don't have a house. But you had a partnership. And as long as you are married, you are technically in the partnership. Money is going down the tubes with 2 residences, cause he's not sure.

 

Go about your business as if he gave you a non-answer regarding the coming together of the partnership, and DROP IT. Think about how this makes you feel, after what has occurred over the last months. Personally, I would be really agitated, confused, and hurt. What do people do when that happens? They avoid the person that makes them feel that way, if they're smart (not desperate). That is what I think you should do. Go back to your charmed-like, and your value just went WAY UP.

 

Forget about him, and take a year out for yourself. He needs go evolve, or you will be five or 10 years down the road with this same bull crap.

 

I would also consider a different apartment as well -- a change of scenery - if at all possible. And, formally separate. He had his chance, and, he has not evolved at all, it appears.

 

I am all over the place on this, I hate that "I don't know" stuff. Causes massive confusion - a non-answer. Gee-wiz. Hope some of my circular thinking helped. Yas

[tojaz]

I understand. 3-6 months seems reasonable but I do not have that time because I have to sign a lease that would involve another year of us living apart.

 

He has mentioned before that his goal is to certainly have a healthy marriage again but his actions are not really reflecting that. He did not mention me moving back in just yet. Maybe i am being unrealistic in thinking things would go back to normal in a month but I cannot wait on him to make a decision any longer simply because I cannot afford it financially to not sign another lease for too long.

 

What should I do? Sign the lease or pay a higher rate (I can afford to pay for a short time) for the next three months until he decides?

 

Often times a landlord can understand situations like this and are willing to agree to a short term lease instead of the year that is standard. I would start by asking your landlord if that is an option.

 

If not, I would suggest taking the lease. Rushing into things too fast is not going to work to your advantage so having the option to slowly transition back to living together seems like it would be in both of your best interests. Not to mention the security that would come with knowing you had someplace to go for awhile if things fall back into familiar patterns.

 

I would be cautious of allowing him to use that lease as an excuse to leave you stuck in limbo. You would both need to set solid goals and see him making steady progress towards rebuilding your marriage so you won't be asking the same question the next time the lease is up. If your not spending the majority of your time in your marital home in 3 months, then I would reevaluate the situation with a more critical eye.

 

TOJAZ

[ShannonBanana]

Sign the lease or find a place you can afford. My advice is to not set yourself up for being dependent on his whims. Start making decisions based on what is best for you. I guarantee, you will not regret it.