Manipulation or fear - lies about virginity

[abt440]

I met this girl for a brief time through a common connection and then left the country for some foreign assignments. Over the next nine months we continued to stay in touch via skype and phone, talking almost for an hour each day, and meeting up for a few days every three-four months.

 

By the end of this period I realized that I was probably in love with her (she was sure about me within the first 2-3 months).

 

This was the first time that I was serious about someone and was contemplating marriage. The girl came across as extremely sweet and very caring. During our courtship of nine months, I also made it very clear to her that how I felt honesty is the most important pillar of a permanent relationship and why both of us should never lie to each other (we had this discussion several times and she always agreed with me). We also had discussions around sex and virginity and she always maintained that she was a virgin and how she never let her xboyfreind go down on her as she always wanted to do it with 'the one'...she also told me multiple times how she wanted to lose her virginity to me and how special that event would be.

 

I always felt surprised that she did not have sex with her xboyfreind considering it was a long three and a half year relationship, but she told me stories of how ugly and abusive the relationship was and how she never wanted to do it with him. As per her it was a relationship where there was no love and just fights. My head never believed the stories but my heart did when she held my hands, sweared on me and said she would never lie to me about anything.

 

After about an year after I first met her, I made up my mind to go ahead and get married. Everyone was happy and things looked positive. Unfortunately or fortunately I accessed her emails a few days later and saw old messages (from the time she was dating him) between her and her xboyfreind mentioning about the wild sex encounters they had. I also saw messages between her and a couple of other guys, whom she 'casually dated' (she always told me that there was only one guy in her life before me).

 

I felt betrayed, devastated and having been played with, all this gave me real physical pain. I still gave her a chance and before telling her that I had seen her messages asked her whether she had lied to me about anything and whether she understands how honesty is the most important thing to make the marriage work. She still maintained that she had never lied to me and had told me everything about her past. When I told her about the messages she told me the truth that she was having sex with this guy for close to three years (before she met me). She said she lied to me as she was ashamed of what she did (as she always wanted to do it with the guy she would get married to) and thought that she would loose me if she told me the truth.

 

I did not really have a problem with the lies about the virginity but with the stories that were cooked to probably conceal the reality (how I would be the first person to touch her, how she was excited to experience her first orgasm post marriage and many more). I was unable to digest the explanations and called off the marriage. I felt that if she did not care about the only thing that was so important to me (honesty and not virginity) than what is the gurauntee of she being honest about the relationship and about staying with me for the rest of our lives whatever the situation maybe. I went into depression after this event and just lost control over my emotions, meanwhile she continued to try and make things work and begged to me to take her back. After a couple of days I met her and told her that I cant live without her and that I want to make things work, again fortunately or unfortunately i saw her conversations with a close friend of hers in that she made fun of me (about crying indiscriminately and loosing control over my emotions) and wished the worst possible things about me and my future. All this while she was talking to me/messaging me and apologizing for what she had done and horrible she felt about it. Her explanation about these messages was that they were just some random bitching and did not mean a thing, but I could not understand how she was consoling me on one hand and bitching about me at the right very moment with someone else.

 

I maintained the status quo and stopped talking with her. Its been a couple of months since this event and I have not been able to come out of depression, i have become extremely emotional and it seems that I am slowly loosing control of my life. Recently i have started talking to her again and she just wants to come back with me, and make things work. She accepts her mistakes and says that she was an idiot to lie to me and to bitch about me and that she would love me for eternity and would always wait for me.

 

My head tells me that she would lie to me again and whatever she tells me is not real, and its not her love for me but probably some sort of an obsession. My heart disagrees and gives me alternate explanations of everything- she lied to me because she did not want to loose me and probably I somehow came across as a person who cares whether his life partner is virgin or not; she bitched because she was alone, lonely and frustrated with the breakup...and probably girls are just bitchy and they don't mean what they say etc. etc.

 

The girl has always taken care of me and loved me (even remotely) like no one has ever before and as per what I know has been honest with me on most other things. However I fail to understand whether all this is real or she just portrays to be a person she is actually not. ...what adds to the complexity is that we are in different countries and have not spent a lot of physical time with each other. I am really unsure about what should I do and all this has really shaken up my life. I think I really love her, but I don't know whether I will be able to trust her.

[Trep]

She lied to you, so you broke up. You gave her a second chance and she lied again, so you broke up. Now you're going to give her a third chance....Guess what part comes next.

 

Fool me once shame on you...

[smackie9]

Wow she should win an Oscar for the great performance she has put on for you.

 

She is cruel, untrustworthy, a liar, and a manipulator. In those messages it shows who she really is.....heartless. I'm guessing you have money or something she is after. She isn't in it for love that's for sure. She's a con artist. Cut ties and move on.

[Spectre]

The lies about the virginity absolutely should bother you. You MARRIED this girl, she doesn't get to lie about that stuff. But more to the point: it's more the way she lied. She knew she'd slept with some other guy, yet fed you lines about how she was a virgin and wanted to wait until she found the "one" and all that garbage. That is actually pretty sick when you think about it.

 

This isn't even the cliched "girl is embarrassed about sexual past so she lied" which even then is no real excuse for lying, but it is what it is. This was her going out of her way to create these weird lies about her virginity. I also think it's quite disturbing for her to marry you because it means on the wedding night this crazy woman had you thinking you were taking her virginity. Again, that would tick me off. Not because I care if a girl is a virgin, but that is not only lying to you but making a fool of you. She's also making a lie of your wedding night.

 

Which, why? The only possible reason for her to try to make a fool of you like this is because she is cruel and manipulative. So you should care about the virginity lies as well. Not because you are the type who cares if a woman is a virgin, but rather because these are some pretty messed up things to lie about it.

 

Also, holy cow man..she made fun of you to her friends for being upset with her lies? That right there is grounds to never ever speak to her again. Yet you made the mistake of once again beginning to talk to her again. Dude no, don't blame yourself. It's one thing to bitch out of frustration..so for instance maybe saying "oh my boyfriend was being a huge jerk tonight" even if you weren't being a jerk, but if she is making fun of you and laughing at you for crying..well..and girls wonder why a lot of guys keep their damn emotions to themselves.

 

Also it doesn't matter if you came off like a guy who really only wants to marry a virgin. You get that, right? You get that it is YOUR right to decide the type of person you want to be with. If you decide you only want to marry a virgin that is up to you. If you decide you want to only marry a girl who is left handed, that is up to you and that is your right. It is not her right to lie to you out of fear of being dumped.

 

If a woman is not a virgin and meets a guy who only wants a virgin then the solution is to find a new guy, not to lie about who you are. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you come off like you are super into virginity, I'm just saying even if you did that is your right to choose the type of person you want. It is no different then if I was very religious and I decide I only want to marry someone who is also religious.

 

Plus I just find myself coming back to her laughing at you for crying. It's not just about the crying. If I was with someone who did that I would be afraid to show any type of emotion in front of her after that. Since who knows what she is going to go laugh about with her friends? That is really cruel, that is something you'd think only a cruel 13 yr. old girl would do.

 

Then let us move on to the final issues: you saying how this girl has always taken care of you and loved you. Your entire relationship was more or less a lie and you feel this person loved you? Come on now. She also was not taking very good "care" of you if she was lying to you the entire time. I don't care if she was financially supporting you AND serving you breakfast in bed every morning, the whole lying thing negates that. If she loved you she wouldn't of lied to you about her past, and she especially would not of allowed you to marry her without first disclosing her lies. You are also right in that you have no idea how many other things she could be lying about. You need to just let her go and be glad you never had any kids with her.

[No Limit]

She could be a psycho-borderliner, sociopath and a lot more, but what you do know is that she lies only. Break off contact to her.

[Lion Heart]

Abt440,

 

I'm a woman and I'd say get away from this girl as fast as you can. She's cruel, she's lied to you even though you stressed how important honesty was AND SHE AGREED. As far as I could intuit she was ONLY trying to manipulate you into thinking she was the type of girl you wanted. She's not. Nothing like the girl you want.

 

And I agree with others who say it's your prerogative to want whatever you do want in a girl - virginity, honesty, empathy. She hasn't shown you any of these.

 

To think she was leading you to believe that on your wedding night you'd be taking her virginity. If that was very important to you and she knew that, I can't believe she loved you. "Love" to her is about manipulation. Not love.

 

If I had met you and knew that virginity was important to you, the very first incling I got about that would have had me tell you the truth straight up! No way could that be a secret I could keep from someone I had feelings for. What was she gonna do? Put sauce on the sheets? How far would she have gone if you hadn't have discovered the truth for yourself?

 

I'd be very relieved that I found out the truth about her b4 M.

Very relieved indeed.

 

Lion Heart.

[lolablue17]

She is a "focused on a target" girl. She first marks the target, and then advancing to it with a total determination and diligence.

 

Her target was to have you - That means she will lie, change versions, actually do everything to achieve her goal. In some way it is very romantic. but you have two problems:

 

1. You lost your chance to ever know the truth with her. Because every word she says is to get her goals. Honesty is not her first priority. She may cheat many time and you will never know. When you broke with her, you may find out one day that she's slept with someone during the break up. She might also be screwing someone right now (because it's not cheating and it's none of your business). You will never ever know.

 

2. Those kind of girl has an extreme ability to hold her breath for a long long time. For example, if she stop loving you so much, she can make 3 children with you, wait 10 years, and then be leaving you for another man. You will think it's out of the blue, while she had that plan for years.

 

Let someone else have her. She's not for you.

[casey.lives]

it's weird. that's all i do know..

[casey.lives]

does the good out way the bad? that deserves to be considered.

plus maybe she just wanted to make a real life fairy tale. where she is the sweet virginal maiden and you are the dashing strong prince. it made you feel great to think it was true... maybe you are the kind of guy that a girl needs to build up SO much and she wanted to stir DEEP PASSIONATE feelings and this was a short cut. it might be forgiveable.. it can be the only lie.. just make it heard and felt that it is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.

[barcode88]

She lied to you, so you broke up. You gave her a second chance and she lied again, so you broke up. Now you're going to give her a third chance....Guess what part comes next.

 

Fool me once shame on you...

 

Amen..

 

OP you need to move on from this one. The fact that she was bashing you to her friend shows that you dodged a bullet. There is no way you could maintain a happy caring relationship with this selfish bitch.

[drifter777]

Its really too bad you broke down and had contact with her again because the longer you can go without her the more you heal.

 

This woman is no good for you. She does not - in any way - fit your projection of the woman you want to live with for the rest of your life. She's a pathological liar, and she has deceived you about the very things that are most important to you. Why are you even considering anything but walking away? Are you so insecure that you are willing to stay with her because some attention is better than no attention? Like you are a little dog begging for any scrap she will toss you? Is that how you see yourself?

 

This has nothing to do with "growing a pair" or reclaiming self-esteem because you are sick right now. Your depression is causing your sick, desperate need for this woman's affection - any kind of affection - to control your life. Its really hard to break it on your own so you should seek counseling as soon as possible. If for some reason you can't do counseling you need to attack this problem as if your life depends on it. You MUST end all contact with her. I mean ZERO. No phone, no notes, no texts, no email - you get it. You must harden your heart and embrace the idea that the longer you go without any contact the easier it gets and the better you will feel. Your self-esteem should start to improve within a week or so of ending contact. Your resolve gets stronger as each day passes. I do hope you find a counselor but go no contact no matter how this plays out.

[2nd tyme]

You said:

 

"being honest about the relationship and about staying with me for the rest of our lives whatever the situation maybe"

 

Well then, it sounds like you were not being honest with her either, since you are not staying with her despite "whatever the situation may be."

[Space Ritual]

She lied to you, so you broke up. You gave her a second chance and she lied again, so you broke up. Now you're going to give her a third chance....Guess what part comes next.

 

Fool me once shame on you...

 

LMFAO!

 

 

'Fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.'" George W. Bush — Nashville, Tennessee; September 17, 2002

[Space Ritual]

I met this girl for a brief time through a common connection and then left the country for some foreign assignments. Over the next nine months we continued to stay in touch via skype and phone, talking almost for an hour each day, and meeting up for a few days every three-four months.

 

By the end of this period I realized that I was probably in love with her (she was sure about me within the first 2-3 months).

 

This was the first time that I was serious about someone and was contemplating marriage. The girl came across as extremely sweet and very caring. During our courtship of nine months, I also made it very clear to her that how I felt honesty is the most important pillar of a permanent relationship and why both of us should never lie to each other (we had this discussion several times and she always agreed with me). We also had discussions around sex and virginity and she always maintained that she was a virgin and how she never let her xboyfreind go down on her as she always wanted to do it with 'the one'...she also told me multiple times how she wanted to lose her virginity to me and how special that event would be.

 

I always felt surprised that she did not have sex with her xboyfreind considering it was a long three and a half year relationship, but she told me stories of how ugly and abusive the relationship was and how she never wanted to do it with him. As per her it was a relationship where there was no love and just fights. My head never believed the stories but my heart did when she held my hands, sweared on me and said she would never lie to me about anything.

 

After about an year after I first met her, I made up my mind to go ahead and get married. Everyone was happy and things looked positive. Unfortunately or fortunately I accessed her emails a few days later and saw old messages (from the time she was dating him) between her and her xboyfreind mentioning about the wild sex encounters they had. I also saw messages between her and a couple of other guys, whom she 'casually dated' (she always told me that there was only one guy in her life before me).

 

I felt betrayed, devastated and having been played with, all this gave me real physical pain. I still gave her a chance and before telling her that I had seen her messages asked her whether she had lied to me about anything and whether she understands how honesty is the most important thing to make the marriage work. She still maintained that she had never lied to me and had told me everything about her past. When I told her about the messages she told me the truth that she was having sex with this guy for close to three years (before she met me). She said she lied to me as she was ashamed of what she did (as she always wanted to do it with the guy she would get married to) and thought that she would loose me if she told me the truth.

 

I did not really have a problem with the lies about the virginity but with the stories that were cooked to probably conceal the reality (how I would be the first person to touch her, how she was excited to experience her first orgasm post marriage and many more). I was unable to digest the explanations and called off the marriage. I felt that if she did not care about the only thing that was so important to me (honesty and not virginity) than what is the gurauntee of she being honest about the relationship and about staying with me for the rest of our lives whatever the situation maybe. I went into depression after this event and just lost control over my emotions, meanwhile she continued to try and make things work and begged to me to take her back. After a couple of days I met her and told her that I cant live without her and that I want to make things work, again fortunately or unfortunately i saw her conversations with a close friend of hers in that she made fun of me (about crying indiscriminately and loosing control over my emotions) and wished the worst possible things about me and my future. All this while she was talking to me/messaging me and apologizing for what she had done and horrible she felt about it. Her explanation about these messages was that they were just some random bitching and did not mean a thing, but I could not understand how she was consoling me on one hand and bitching about me at the right very moment with someone else.

 

I maintained the status quo and stopped talking with her. Its been a couple of months since this event and I have not been able to come out of depression, i have become extremely emotional and it seems that I am slowly loosing control of my life. Recently i have started talking to her again and she just wants to come back with me, and make things work. She accepts her mistakes and says that she was an idiot to lie to me and to bitch about me and that she would love me for eternity and would always wait for me.

 

My head tells me that she would lie to me again and whatever she tells me is not real, and its not her love for me but probably some sort of an obsession. My heart disagrees and gives me alternate explanations of everything- she lied to me because she did not want to loose me and probably I somehow came across as a person who cares whether his life partner is virgin or not; she bitched because she was alone, lonely and frustrated with the breakup...and probably girls are just bitchy and they don't mean what they say etc. etc.

 

The girl has always taken care of me and loved me (even remotely) like no one has ever before and as per what I know has been honest with me on most other things. However I fail to understand whether all this is real or she just portrays to be a person she is actually not. ...what adds to the complexity is that we are in different countries and have not spent a lot of physical time with each other. I am really unsure about what should I do and all this has really shaken up my life. I think I really love her, but I don't know whether I will be able to trust her.

 

 

No,

 

You won't be able to trust her. I suggest you go to Vegas and put every dollar you have on the Dallas Cowboys winning the Super Bowl next year. The odds of that happening are much higher than the odds that this girl is worth one more iota of headspace in you life.

 

Sorry for the levity. But as I always say, life is way too short to spend it on somebody who does not deserve you. There are plenty of women out there that won't treat you like crap and toy with your emotions They are out there, I promise you they are. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go find one. Make this liar who has polluted your head a distant memory and cease all contact with her or you'll regret it.

[BetrayedH]

She's established herself as a liar, even when she's begging you to come back.

 

You're trying to find a partner for yourself for all things in life. Don't choose one that can so easily lie straight to your face.

[GemmaUK]

There's something wrong here. I don't think it's her.

I think she told you that she had never been intimate/had sex because you expressed a huge problem with it.

She wasn't being honest because I think you hassled her about it.

I think she gently told you what had happened but you didn't like it so much so ignored it so she then went silent.

 

 

Quoting you: 'I made up my mind to go ahead and get married'...so, she had no choice once you made up your mind?!!

I hope for her sake that she has left you because there is way too much subtle manipulation/controlling behaviour even n your OP - it's glaringly loud!

 

 

If I were her I would run like hell!

[Spectre]

There's something wrong here. I don't think it's her.

I think she told you that she had never been intimate/had sex because you expressed a huge problem with it.

She wasn't being honest because I think you hassled her about it.

I think she gently told you what had happened but you didn't like it so much so ignored it so she then went silent.

 

First off, we have been given no indication that he told her that he had a huge problem with it. Second, even if he did she has NO right to lie. So I fail to see your overall point, and you really just jumped on this guy for no reason.

 

Something is wrong here, but it isn't her? No lady, it is totally her.

 

Quoting you: 'I made up my mind to go ahead and get married'...so, she had no choice once you made up your mind?!!

I hope for her sake that she has left you because there is way too much subtle manipulation/controlling behaviour even n your OP - it's glaringly loud!

 

Just wow, way to quote what he said and take it in a COMPLETELY different direction. You can't be this ignorant. Nothing he said implied she had no choice. He said he made up his mind to go ahead and get married. He did not say he forced her.

 

Seriously, you came into a topic full of horrible lies from this woman, but tried to hap-hazardly turn it around on the OP. You failed at that attempt.

 

Also here is the thing: he wants a virgin so badly? That is on him. Like I said: she doesn't get to lie about it because her boyfriend hassled her(even though we have zero evidence he hassled her). Here is what non-children do: if you are not a virgin and your boyfriend is hung up on wanting a virgin then you admit to him you are not what he is looking for and part ways. You don't spin these crazy lies.

[Toodaloo]

I think this girl is just plain mean/ nasty/ cruel and using you for whatever she can.

 

Do not marry her. If you have then get an annulment/ divorce whatever. Just get away from her as fast as you can.

 

You two have been singing from the wrong song sheets all the way through. She has been pretending to be someone she is not.

 

She has not taken care of you or looked after you she has manipulated you for her own ends. There are coked up whores with more integrity than this girl.

[Spectre]

There's something wrong here. I don't think it's her.

I think she told you that she had never been intimate/had sex because you expressed a huge problem with it.

She wasn't being honest because I think you hassled her about it.

I think she gently told you what had happened but you didn't like it so much so ignored it so she then went silent.

 

 

Quoting you: 'I made up my mind to go ahead and get married'...so, she had no choice once you made up your mind?!!

I hope for her sake that she has left you because there is way too much subtle manipulation/controlling behaviour even n your OP - it's glaringly loud!

 

 

If I were her I would run like hell!

 

I'm sorry, but I just find myself going back to this post. Did you even read the topic? I just..I just..wow. The girl did some horrible horrible things to this guy. Even if he did act like he only wanted a virgin..it gave her no right to do that.

 

Wait hold on, OP: is your gf's name by any chance..Gemma? It's hard to imagine anyone who is not secretly your gf posting on here..could ever make such a response like this. It's outright mind boggling. Scientists will be studying this damn post for centuries.

[PrettyEmily77]

So she lied about her virginity and made up a whole bunch of stories to cover that up; that's naïve and disturbed on her part and she's obviously not the girl for you. However, not excusing anything she has done at all, if she is hasn't lied about anything else, she can't really be defined as a pathological liar.

 

 

I know I'm going against the grain here but I'll just say it anyway: is there a reason why twice you felt like accessing her private emails and messages behind her back? That's also a breach of trust OP; if anyone of my BFs had done that, that would be the end for me.

 

 

When I broke up with my last BF I was really upset and told my friends all sorts of things not all pleasant to make me feel better. I didn't mean them, and I sure wouldn't have wanted him to find out. I don't think it's unusual right after a breakup and I don't think that's the worst thing anyone could have done.

[Spectre]

So she lied about her virginity and made up a whole bunch of stories to cover that up; that's naïve and disturbed on her part and she's obviously not the girl for you. However, not excusing anything she has done at all, if she is hasn't lied about anything else, she can't really be defined as a pathological liar.

 

Are you really going to argue definitions? She lied to him a lot.

 

 

I know I'm going against the grain here but I'll just say it anyway: is there a reason why twice you felt like accessing her private emails and messages behind her back? That's also a breach of trust OP; if anyone of my BFs had done that, that would be the end for me.

 

Yeah, this is typical. The problem here is that you are focusing on him going into the emails, instead of the massive lie upheld by this woman. He felt she wasn't being honest, snooped, and was proved RIGHT.

 

So for you to say if your boyfriend hacked into your email and discovered you'd been lying to him for years that it would be the "end" is correct, but make no mistake: it wouldn't be the end just because YOU want it to end. The guy would probably want out as well, due to the whole "lying for years" thing.

 

 

When I broke up with my last BF I was really upset and told my friends all sorts of things not all pleasant to make me feel better. I didn't mean them, and I sure wouldn't have wanted him to find out. I don't think it's unusual right after a breakup and I don't think that's the worst thing anyone could have done.

 

Okay are we dealing with 14 yr. old girls or adults here?

 

Lets bottom line it: the girl lied to him for years and years, she even married him and continued to lie. She talked trash behind his back, all around acted suspicious, etc.

 

So wait, what the hell is your problem here? That he accessed her email? Get over it. It's a good thing he did, if he didn't? He wouldn't be aware he was with someone who could lie so easily. This woman married him knowing she was lying to his face every day, and you are concerned that he broke into her friggin email? Unreal.

[PrettyEmily77]

Are you really going to argue definitions? She lied to him a lot.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, this is typical. The problem here is that you are focusing on him going into the emails, instead of the massive lie upheld by this woman. He felt she wasn't being honest, snooped, and was proved RIGHT.

 

So for you to say if your boyfriend hacked into your email and discovered you'd been lying to him for years that it would be the "end" is correct, but make no mistake: it wouldn't be the end just because YOU want it to end. The guy would probably want out as well, due to the whole "lying for years" thing.

 

 

 

 

Okay are we dealing with 14 yr. old girls or adults here?

 

Lets bottom line it: the girl lied to him for years and years, she even married him and continued to lie. She talked trash behind his back, all around acted suspicious, etc.

 

So wait, what the hell is your problem here? That he accessed her email? Get over it. It's a good thing he did, if he didn't? He wouldn't be aware he was with someone who could lie so easily. This woman married him knowing she was lying to his face every day, and you are concerned that he broke into her friggin email? Unreal.

 

How come you're so invested in this? You do realise that we are all entitled to our opinions, right?? You also do realise that in these cases (no obvious abuse, no cheating, etc.) basing advice on ONE side of the story is always going to be tricky, right?? Unless you ARE the OP, you can't be sure of anything and really, you have to be able to see the situation from all angles. From what I can tell from the OP, she lied about one thing then covered her tracks with stories; that's not being a pathological liar (that would need medical supervision, you know...). The OP said she didn't lie about anything else - short of knowing the girl, you can't tell whether she is a pathological liar or not.

 

 

I can see her lying is a deal breaker, she shouldn't have done it and there are big incompatibilities between them, that's obvious.That said, I also have an enormous issue with violation of privacy, and I'm sure I'm not alone on this. If you have to resort to these kinds of measures to get to the truth, you already have massive trust issues going on. Feelings something's off is generally enough of a red flag for me to exit the relationship without delay and I would never stoop so low as to breech someone's privacy to get to what I want; if I'm not comfortable, I leave but maybe that's just me.

 

 

Going on a hunch, I don't think these were the only 2 times the OP checked her private messages (that would be too much of a coincidence, IMO). This amount of paranoia can only breed bad results whichever way you look at it.

 

 

Also, EVERY SINGLE TIME either one of my friends has had a breakup, it has been my experience that ALL said things about their SOs that were not flattering. Maybe you're an exception to the rule, and maybe you are always able to act in the most dignified way all the time but us normal humans let our feelings overtake us sometimes, even well after 14...

 

 

And throwing it out there in passing just so you know, insulting other posters' intelligence and assuming you are the only one in the right based on one post by the OP is a bit concerning TBH. This forum is so that people can get different perspectives, I believe...

Edited April 22, 2015 by PrettyEmily77

[Chi townD]

You know, as I was reading your post, I was saying to myself, "This is fixable"! Until I got to the part about her making fun of you for crying and being emotional about it to her friend. And probably friends!

 

 

That shows complete lack of remorse on her part. Are you kidding me? Women are bitching because they say that men aren't emotionally available and you show her your vulnerability and she made fun about it behind your back.

 

 

Dude, you need to move on from her. You don't deserve that AT ALL!

[Spectre]

How come you're so invested in this? You do realise that we are all entitled to our opinions, right??

 

I'm not "invested" in it, I'm replying to a post. It really doesn't take much effort. We are all entitled to our opinions true, but yours came out of left field.

 

You also do realise that in these cases (no obvious abuse, no cheating, etc.) basing advice on ONE side of the story is always going to be tricky, right?? Unless you ARE the OP, you can't be sure of anything and really, you have to be able to see the situation from all angles.

 

This is all true but the thing is..what else can we do? All we have to go on is what we are told. If we are going to participate in giving advice, this is what we have to work with. If you want to start going into "well what if he is lying about this or that" well, we will be here all day. Every topic would be unanswerable then, because you truly never know if you are being told the truth, right?

 

So we go on what we get. I did not get a "I am super into virgins" vibe from this guy.

 

From what I can tell from the OP, she lied about one thing then covered her tracks with stories; that's not being a pathological liar (that would need medical supervision, you know...). The OP said she didn't lie about anything else - short of knowing the girl, you can't tell whether she is a pathological liar or not.

 

Whatever kind of liar you want to label her as, at the end of the day she is still a liar. It's a weird lie that she kept up for way too long, and this girl also made fun of the guy behind his back.

 

I can see her lying is a deal breaker, she shouldn't have done it and there are big incompatibilities between them, that's obvious.That said, I also have an enormous issue with violation of privacy, and I'm sure I'm not alone on this. If you have to resort to these kinds of measures to get to the truth, you already have massive trust issues going on. Feelings something's off is generally enough of a red flag for me to exit the relationship without delay and I would never stoop so low as to breech someone's privacy to get to what I want; if I'm not comfortable, I leave but maybe that's just me.

 

I get privacy is important but what you fail to realize is that life is more important then privacy, period. Let me put it to you another way: if I am a guy and I am living a lie and the only way for me to know I am living a lie is to invade your privacy? I feel it is worth it. You will get over the privacy invasion. I find living a life that is a lie to be MUCH worse in the long run.

 

Going on a hunch, I don't think these were the only 2 times the OP checked her private messages (that would be too much of a coincidence, IMO). This amount of paranoia can only breed bad results whichever way you look at it.

 

I don't even get where your hunch is coming from though. He had reasons to doubt her and suspect her and he turned out to be right. I agree it sucks he had to do what he had to do in order to get answers, but every person still deserves answers nonetheless.

 

 

Also, EVERY SINGLE TIME either one of my friends has had a breakup, it has been my experience that ALL said things about their SOs that were not flattering. Maybe you're an exception to the rule, and maybe you are always able to act in the most dignified way all the time but us normal humans let our feelings overtake us sometimes, even well after 14...

 

This doesn't make it right, it just shows some people never grow out of their childish tendencies. Call the guy an a-hole if you want, but the way she made fun of this guy? Completely unacceptable.

 

 

And throwing it out there in passing just so you know, insulting other posters' intelligence and assuming you are the only one in the right based on one post by the OP is a bit concerning TBH. This forum is so that people can get different perspectives, I believe...

 

It is about different perspectives, the problem is you are pulling perspectives out of nowhere just because. Oh he MIGHT be lying about all these details, oh there might be more to it, etc etc. I don't disagree, some people do lie or withhold details, but what can we do? We can only go with what we go on, if we have good reason to suspect information is being left out that is one thing, but for me I don't see it here.

[PrettyEmily77]

I'm not "invested" in it, I'm replying to a post. It really doesn't take much effort. We are all entitled to our opinions true, but yours came out of left field.

 

 

 

This is all true but the thing is..what else can we do? All we have to go on is what we are told. If we are going to participate in giving advice, this is what we have to work with. If you want to start going into "well what if he is lying about this or that" well, we will be here all day. Every topic would be unanswerable then, because you truly never know if you are being told the truth, right?

 

So we go on what we get. I did not get a "I am super into virgins" vibe from this guy.

 

 

 

Whatever kind of liar you want to label her as, at the end of the day she is still a liar. It's a weird lie that she kept up for way too long, and this girl also made fun of the guy behind his back.

 

 

 

I get privacy is important but what you fail to realize is that life is more important then privacy, period. Let me put it to you another way: if I am a guy and I am living a lie and the only way for me to know I am living a lie is to invade your privacy? I feel it is worth it. You will get over the privacy invasion. I find living a life that is a lie to be MUCH worse in the long run.

 

 

 

I don't even get where your hunch is coming from though. He had reasons to doubt her and suspect her and he turned out to be right. I agree it sucks he had to do what he had to do in order to get answers, but every person still deserves answers nonetheless.

 

 

 

 

This doesn't make it right, it just shows some people never grow out of their childish tendencies. Call the guy an a-hole if you want, but the way she made fun of this guy? Completely unacceptable.

 

 

 

 

It is about different perspectives, the problem is you are pulling perspectives out of nowhere just because. Oh he MIGHT be lying about all these details, oh there might be more to it, etc etc. I don't disagree, some people do lie or withhold details, but what can we do? We can only go with what we go on, if we have good reason to suspect information is being left out that is one thing, but for me I don't see it here.

 

 

It's just a case of agree to disagree. If your instincts tell you something's off and the trust is in question, confront or leave, don't go into people's private stuff - that's how I see things. I couldn't live with, never mind marry, someone I can't trust totally or have suspicions about.

 

 

The vibe I got from the OP wasn't that he was into virgins, more that he has trust issues and / or sees things pretty black and white, she wanted to be with him so much that she told him what he wanted to hear then covered her tracks either because she was afraid of letting him down or because she didn't know how to come clean. That's bad either way, she shouldn't have lied at all, she has no excuses and that shows incompatibilities right there.

 

 

Being worked up about things she said to her friends about him after their breakup doesn't seem that big of a deal to me in the grand scheme of things. If you can't get over that type of stuff, you need to develop a thicker skin or not get into a long term relationship in the first place, IMO.

 

 

The OP's not been back since is first post anyway so not sure he's really that concerned about other people's reactions...