A question for the ow from a ow!

[Amberbelle1]

To the ow out there. If your married boyfriend told you he was going out for dinner with other couples ( him and his wife) how would you feel? Hurt? Angry? Wouldn't care?

What is the right emotion- are ow even allowed to have feelings about this?

[cocorico]

To the ow out there. If your married boyfriend told you he was going out for dinner with other couples ( him and his wife) how would you feel? Hurt? Angry? Wouldn't care?

What is the right emotion- are ow even allowed to have feelings about this?

 

There is no "right" emotion. You're allowed to have whatever feeling you want! And you're allowed to tell him.

 

He has the right to brush it off, or take it seriously. You have no control over that. But if his response is not what you want, you have every right to tell him the R isn't working for you, and to insist on a renegotiation - or to leave.

[adna89]

Well realistic speaking no you have no right,but you will feel it still.You can tell him that but most probably he will still do it.OW means OTHER woman

[eye of the storm]

There is no right emotion for you to feel. You feel how you feel.

 

 

That being said, if him having a relationship with his wife and friends bothers you, you might want to reconsider being an OW. His wife is his primary, you are not.

 

 

But I do understand. And I agree that when you do think about it, there can be a sting.

[elaine567]

I think being an OW, means you have to put feelings like that on the back burner, otherwise you will go mad.

 

He will go out with her socially, they will have good times, they will get drunk, they will fall into bed happy, and he will most likely have sex with her.

 

That is just the way it goes, they are married and you are the OW. Unfortunately you have to put up with it, in any way you can, or get out if you cannot handle it.

[MissBee]

To the ow out there. If your married boyfriend told you he was going out for dinner with other couples ( him and his wife) how would you feel? Hurt? Angry? Wouldn't care?

What is the right emotion- are ow even allowed to have feelings about this?

 

There is no "right" emotion, you feel how you feel.

 

The thing with As is that most OW are doing it in spite of, not because they genuinely enjoy sharing MM and knowing he has a wife who he very much leads a normal coupled life with (which is why many MM downplay the relationship as one of roommates or involving no romance at all because they aren't dumb, they know the OW will not like it if she knows they do ordinary couple things too). But A or no A, most people will be jealous and hurt imagining their SO/person they love/like being a couple with someone else. In the case of an A one signed on for it, so to speak, but it doesn't really change the feelings of hurt, anger or jealousy.

 

In my own A, he downplayed their relationship a lot but once in a while it would slip about some couple thing they did together or had to do and then that kind of burst my bubble that it was an affair and he very much had a life with another woman that I wasn't privy to and he and she did normal couple things together as he was literally leading two lives and two relationships. It wasn't a good feeling. It made me hurt and angry and ultimately the A ended because I was NEVER comfortable with that.

Edited April 11, 2015 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

To the ow out there. If your married boyfriend told you he was going out for dinner with other couples ( him and his wife) how would you feel? Hurt? Angry? Wouldn't care?

What is the right emotion- are ow even allowed to have feelings about this?

 

I think if one is having an affair with a MM they need to assume he's continuing to 'live life' with his wife and do family outings and go out with friends, have a social life.

 

You need to not put him first and go out with your friends and don't cancel your plans for MM. He leads his life the way he wants to, so should you.

 

How do you feel about it? Are you hurt and angry that he is doing this?

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm in the "there are no correct emotions. Your feelings are your feelings" camp. You feel what you feel. What you choose to do about it is another matter.

 

I also agree that most MM will downplay the marital relationship in order to avoid conflict and minimize the risk that you'll leave. If your MM does the opposite--meaning he intentionally rubs your face in the marital relationship--then you've got a sadist on your hands and that's a separate problem.

 

I will add this...as jealous, hurt, or angry you may feel at knowing that he is out socially with his wife, it pales in comparison to how jealous, hurt, and angry the BW would feel if she knew what was going on when he is with you.

[msblissful]

I'm a mw having A with a mm. And I still get jealous. I know he trys not mention their plans but just last night knowing they are out together with family sent me on a downward spiral. I ended up going to bed early just to shut off. It's not right but neither is the affair itself. Feelings are feelings right or wrong it is what it is. I sleep seperatly to my H and he of course sleeps with his W. Thats the hard part for me.

[Amberbelle1]

I guess what I lead myself to believe is that he is out having a wonderful time with his wife not even giving me a thought. He was telling me about the other couples too that would be there which I felt was unnecessary and perhaps cruel?

 

I feel angry and jealous, worthless in fact. I am desperate to go out as a couple with him but that's never going to happen.

 

I guess if I at least had some reassurance from him to say he HAD to go or that he would rather be with me or at least he is thinking of me- even then I doubt I would still be able to handle it! Right now I feel like I am back in my box until he wants to play again. When did I become this woman?!

Should I tell him that this has upset me? Would it change anything? I don't know

 

The expiry date on this "affair" is getting closer- for my own sanity! :-)

[Grapesofwrath]

I hear you, Amber. Once these experiences start to pile up, the clock starts ticking on the whole thing. He may be telling you those details to hurt you, maybe because he is oblivious to the pain they cause, or who knows whatever else. Let's return our focus to you...

 

I think your feelings reflect your desire to be his first choice. This is the cruel joke of affairs. We want them to pick us, put us first, prioritize us. They almost never do, in a real way. And even if they ultimately do, then we are faced with the trust issues and other messy crap that comes with the history we created together.

 

I definitely think you should share your feelings with him. If, at minimum, you can't discuss your feelings in this relationship, then what have you got?

[goodyblue]

Well realistic speaking no you have no right,but you will feel it still.You can tell him that but most probably he will still do it.OW means OTHER woman

 

Don't tell her she no right. She has every right. She should not have to stuffherfeelings inside.

[DKT3]

Don't tell her she no right. She has every right. She should not have to stuffherfeelings inside.

 

This is true, however, having expectations is what is behind the feeling. Honestly she has no right to expect a MM not to spend time with his wife.

[msblissful]

I guess what I lead myself to believe is that he is out having a wonderful time with his wife not even giving me a thought. He was telling me about the other couples too that would be there which I felt was unnecessary and perhaps cruel?

 

I feel angry and jealous, worthless in fact. I am desperate to go out as a couple with him but that's never going to happen.

 

I guess if I at least had some reassurance from him to say he HAD to go or that he would rather be with me or at least he is thinking of me- even then I doubt I would still be able to handle it! Right now I feel like I am back in my box until he wants to play again. When did I become this woman?!

Should I tell him that this has upset me? Would it change anything? I don't know

 

The expiry date on this "affair" is getting closer- for my own sanity! :-)

I can completely understand you i can feel your pain in just reading your post. I'm not completely sure on your situation but have you told him how much it bothers you? As the OMW I have to shut myself of at times it's the only way. My situation is a little different where we do go out and hold hands as we lI've a hour apart so I guess he feels safe to do so. He never speaks nice of his wife. I'm always telling him off for talking bad about her to me and that makes him mad. Don't defend her is all I get. So even though I get the feeling he doesn't really like her, true or not, i still get jealous so couldn't imagine it if he was nice!

 

Maybe the time for your A to end has come for you. If your having more good times than bad then I guess it's time. The thing is with an A is that they are so addictive and pulling away is most probably the hardest thing to do. So you have to go into ending it full heartedly. If it was me I would go quiet for a while just pull back a little. Take your power back. Have some time to think about you and only you.what do you really want? Is this enough for you?

[msblissful]

Sorry I just read your threads. The one that stuck out was the way of communicating with you and it all being on his terms. That you stopped socialising to never miss his calls? Please tell me that you have stopped this? Put the fact that you are the OW aside. You are still a human being with feelings and this is not good at all. I defdefinitely think having some space from him would help and put yourself first. Has the affair just become habit now? I also picked up on that part. When your the OW and always being put second you start to believe after a while that you are second best.

 

I hope you find the strength to end this

[goodyblue]

This is true, however, having expectations is what is behind the feeling. Honestly she has no right to expect a MM not to spend time with his wife.

 

All due respect, it depends on their agreement. Although I openly admit it is up to OW whether she believes it or not. Some are not so trustworthy as we all know.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi Amber,

 

I just went back and read your older threads. Did you go on the date with the single guy?

 

To answer your question - I was in a different type of situation in that I was the one he did things with, and he didn't go anywhere or do anything with his wife. (Of course at the time I thought they were ending their marriage so it made sense to me). I was able to call him whenever, day or night... we spent a lot of time together, etc.

 

I cannot imagine myself in a situation where I was in love with a man and had to listen to him talk about spending time with another woman (whether it be his wife or anyone else). It would tear me apart and I would not be able to stay in that kind of situation.

 

What is your end game here? I noticed in one of your other threads you said things had become extremely stale and boring when you spent time with him. Honestly, if watching paint dry is more exciting than being with this man, why are you hanging on? Are you afraid of being alone? (Not trying to be mean - just asking you to think about it).

[Sassy Girl]

I think OP can feel whatever she likes. However, if you're going. To enter a relationship with a married man you have to change your expectations. You are NEVER going to have the kind of relationship you would have with a single man. Be definition affaires are secretive, are to be hidden.

 

Can she be jealous? Sure. Is it reasonable? Not really.

You enter an affair this is what you sign up for.

 

MM has a whole other life that doesn't include you. The fact is, you're usually the side piece to the main event. The family comes first, as does maintaining the facade. Nothing changes for MM. Fact is, there's probably still dinner with friends along with family holidays, anniversary weekend getaways with the wife, birthday sex, holidays, weekends, Sunday sleep ins.... All of it. Fact is. You're way down the totem pole of importance. #1 is himself... #2 is probably work.... #3 is family.... And somewhere down around #10 is where you find your place. Is that enough for you?

 

And he will slot you in wherever he can - as long as you allow it.

 

You an be jealous all you want. Except, this is what you signed up for. He's not leaving her, and this is the best you'll ever get from him. So the question is - what are you going to do about?

[Lurkeraspect]

Don't tell her she no right. She has every right. She should not have to stuffherfeelings inside.

 

You're absolutely correct she (op) has every right to her feelings. Unfortunaty, this is the OPs second thread about this very subject. So as a woman, my advice to her is to end this toxic relationship. Nothing here has been negotiated, this mm has (in her words) put her in a box to be used at his whim. Amber, this needs to be over today. He's beyond cruel to bring up his plans with the family, yes, he knows it hurts you, and YES, you need to cut your losses and move on.

 

He's never going to be your man, you will always share him, he will continue to hurt you. It's time to move on.

[Lurkeraspect]

All due respect, it depends on their agreement. Although I openly admit it is up to OW whether she believes it or not. Some are not so trustworthy as we all know.

 

Certainly doesn't sound like there has been any negotiation or agreement here. Rather, sounds like a young woman involved with a loser, serial cheating MM.

[goodyblue]

Certainly doesn't sound like there has been any negotiation or agreement here. Rather, sounds like a young woman involved with a loser, serial cheating MM.

 

I do not disagree.

[Amberbelle1]

Thank you all for your replies. It's nice reading the reassurance.

Everything with him has become some familiar and in my heart I know I have to end it. It's going nowhere. Tick tock!

I know he will probably let me go eventually and that will be it-but for me I know it's going to hurt because he will let me go so easily ( I think) A little hope in my heart, wants him to fight for me and pick me but realistically that's not going to happen. Even if he did pick me, he doesn't want any more children and the reveal of the relationship would not be good all around on family, work etc!

I fall deeply into love and harder out of it and I am scared to make that step. I read how hard it is for all the other woman on this site and It makes me sad.

 

I have had breakups in the past and they have always caused me hurt and pain. I go into a cycle of sadness, the adrenaline makes the weight fall off me ( not a bad thing and I will be able to be show off my fabulous my new body in time) ha! teary, anger..

 

Then a few months pass and I bounce back and look back and think "thank goodness it's over now" and life becomes great again. The problem is that this time I will have to grieve silently about it as no one really knows! Apart from you lot! Thank goodness.

I don't deal with change well- but I have to find my fight - for me.

[sandylee1]

Thank you all for your replies. It's nice reading the reassurance.

Everything with him has become some familiar and in my heart I know I have to end it. It's going nowhere. Tick tock!

I know he will probably let me go eventually and that will be it-but for me I know it's going to hurt because he will let me go so easily ( I think) A little hope in my heart, wants him to fight for me and pick me but realistically that's not going to happen. Even if he did pick me, he doesn't want any more children and the reveal of the relationship would not be good all around on family, work etc!

I fall deeply into love and harder out of it and I am scared to make that step. I read how hard it is for all the other woman on this site and It makes me sad.

 

I have had breakups in the past and they have always caused me hurt and pain. I go into a cycle of sadness, the adrenaline makes the weight fall off me ( not a bad thing and I will be able to be show off my fabulous my new body in time) ha! teary, anger..

 

Then a few months pass and I bounce back and look back and think "thank goodness it's over now" and life becomes great again. The problem is that this time I will have to grieve silently about it as no one really knows! Apart from you lot! Thank goodness.

I don't deal with change well- but I have to find my fight - for me.

 

I'm glad you realise it's going nowhere. He's using you as some extra sauce to accompany the marriage. Your simply wasting time, when you should be dating a single man.

 

Don't think so little of yourself and settle to be their dirty little secret. It will drive you crazy and if it blows up, it could ruin a lot for you.

 

You are human, with feelings and jealously will come into play, but I don't understand how you expect anything different, when you are sleeping with another woman's husband. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if the tables were turned.

[gettingstronger]

If you need more motivation remember he is married- if going out with other couples upsets you-imagine all the other things they do that he does not mention- regardless of what a few say on here, most marriages include-goodnight and good morning kisses, hugs, hand holding, sex, planning for the future, great moments of laughter and intimacy, vacations, get aways, family dinners, kids events- he is more than likely engaging in all of these activities and if thats not what you want your partner experiencing with someone else, you need to get out-

[Grapesofwrath]

If you need more motivation remember he is married- if going out with other couples upsets you-imagine all the other things they do that he does not mention- regardless of what a few say on here, most marriages include-goodnight and good morning kisses, hugs, hand holding, sex, planning for the future, great moments of laughter and intimacy, vacations, get aways, family dinners, kids events- he is more than likely engaging in all of these activities and if thats not what you want your partner experiencing with someone else, you need to get out-

 

Yes! He is able to be present in the marriage still and enjoy all the sweetness that married life can bring. Then, when it gets to the rough parts, he finds an escape from those in an extra-marital affair. Consider how easily he betrays this person with whom he is sharing all these moments. Imagine how often he is texting you both simultaneously. It's sickening, really. His behavior is about gratifying his own needs and getting what he wants. While he may give lip service to it, he ultimately doesn't prioritize your feelings or your needs. This is about him. When the chips are down, he won't be there for you.