What comes around goes around...

[NovemberSweetness]

Well, here I am a year and a half after my affair. So much has happened but here's the basic background.

 

 

I left my H about 6 mos after my affair had begun. I hadn't been in love with him for a couple years before. I just felt no passion, and when he was away, I never missed him. No, I didn't rewrite my marital history. I pretty much didn't care what he did when he was not with me. The OM made me feel great, the sex was great and he was soooo attentive.

 

 

I eventually moved out and separated. My H never found out. OM and I became close, texting daily, meeting up once or twice weekly.

 

 

As we became closer, OM said he couldn't stand the fact that we could never be a "real" couple. We run in the same social circles and he is friends with H. I argued with him and asked him to give it time. That once my D is final, we can come out with it in the near future.

 

 

Well, turns out he had been talking with another woman a month before and I found out they flirted heavily, eventually leading to sex. OM blames the fact that he can't have a future with me because of our circumstance but I don't know if I believe that or if he just used that as an excuse to leave. This other woman is also married, getting a divorce now because her husband found texts from OM. OM says that they were having problems already and they were divorcing anyway.

 

 

I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with what I did and what's now happening to me. If there is one thing I can take away from all this its that I damn well will make sure my next relationship is based on honesty, trust and respect. My biggest fear is that I won't find a man that meets those expectations. Anyone else been burned like this?

[Grapesofwrath]

One of the great affair ironies, I think, is that any relationship that starts out as an A is burdened heavily with trust issues right from the outset. Some couples manage to overcome them, I imagine, but it's got to be tough.

 

The most reliable indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Not that people can't change, or that they don't do aberrant things under extreme duress. They can and they do, but not typically. Your OM has developed a clear pattern here, and the underlying reasons for that are his to unravel, if he so chooses.

 

I had an exit A, at the end of my M. I regret doing it, but I now understand why I did. I'd say better to spend your time figuring that out for yourself and let this OM move on, too.

[DKT3]

Well, here I am a year and a half after my affair. So much has happened but here's the basic background.

 

 

I left my H about 6 mos after my affair had begun. I hadn't been in love with him for a couple years before. I just felt no passion, and when he was away, I never missed him. No, I didn't rewrite my marital history. I pretty much didn't care what he did when he was not with me. The OM made me feel great, the sex was great and he was soooo attentive.

 

 

I eventually moved out and separated. My H never found out. OM and I became close, texting daily, meeting up once or twice weekly.

 

 

As we became closer, OM said he couldn't stand the fact that we could never be a "real" couple. We run in the same social circles and he is friends with H. I argued with him and asked him to give it time. That once my D is final, we can come out with it in the near future.

 

 

Well, turns out he had been talking with another woman a month before and I found out they flirted heavily, eventually leading to sex. OM blames the fact that he can't have a future with me because of our circumstance but I don't know if I believe that or if he just used that as an excuse to leave. This other woman is also married, getting a divorce now because her husband found texts from OM. OM says that they were having problems already and they were divorcing anyway.

 

 

I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with what I did and what's now happening to me. If there is one thing I can take away from all this its that I damn well will make sure my next relationship is based on honesty, trust and respect. My biggest fear is that I won't find a man that meets those expectations. Anyone else been burned like this?

 

Time to look in a mirror, you are expecting thing that you don't give. Do you deserve a man who is honest and respectful? Honestly?

[NovemberSweetness]

Actually, it should have said what goes around comes around, right?

 

No, at this point I don't think I deserve someone that will be honest and true to me. I guess that's why its best to be alone for a while. I need to figure out why I let all this happen to begin with. It's a life lesson for sure. He clearly has issues with boundaries, but then I must too.

 

 

I feel a great loss, but somehow I've not cried a tear over this. Why is that? Am I so cold and unfeeling? I'm just numb over the whole thing.

[Artie Lang]

this guy is one manipulating SOB. i don't usually buy into the whole "predatory" notion concerning OM because ultimately we all have choices, but this guy is something else.

 

how women fall for these types of D0UCHBAGS is beyond me. don't mean to sound crass but it doesn't feel good getting f@#$ed over does it?

 

i sincerely hope you cease all contact with him from here on out, or you'd be a fool to let him back into your life. now you know what he truly is and what he really thought your so-called relationship. use this knowledge to move on.

Edited April 12, 2015 by Artie Lang

[Grapesofwrath]

Actually, it should have said what goes around comes around, right?

 

No, at this point I don't think I deserve someone that will be honest and true to me. I guess that's why its best to be alone for a while. I need to figure out why I let all this happen to begin with. It's a life lesson for sure. He clearly has issues with boundaries, but then I must too.

 

 

I feel a great loss, but somehow I've not cried a tear over this. Why is that? Am I so cold and unfeeling? I'm just numb over the whole thing.

 

Ending a marriage is excruciating. You didn't mention whether you have children, but if you do, it's just about the most painful thing there is. To decrease the pain, people have affairs. It's an escape. It softens the blow. In that crisis, we rarely make healthy choices and oftentimes select APs that aren't going to help us find real love.

 

I agree that it's worth examining your own behavior to understand why you did what you did. Doesn't make you a horrible person. You are not beyond love. Learn what you can from this and move on.

 

Maybe you haven't cried because the end of the affair isn't really the painful part. That was a band-aid.

[the_artist_1970]

Well, here I am a year and a half after my affair. So much has happened but here's the basic background.

 

 

I left my H about 6 mos after my affair had begun. I hadn't been in love with him for a couple years before. I just felt no passion, and when he was away, I never missed him. No, I didn't rewrite my marital history. I pretty much didn't care what he did when he was not with me. The OM made me feel great, the sex was great and he was soooo attentive.

 

 

I eventually moved out and separated. My H never found out. OM and I became close, texting daily, meeting up once or twice weekly.

 

As we became closer, OM said he couldn't stand the fact that we could never be a "real" couple. We run in the same social circles and he is friends with H. I argued with him and asked him to give it time. That once my D is final, we can come out with it in the near future.

 

Well, turns out he had been talking with another woman a month before and I found out they flirted heavily, eventually leading to sex. OM blames the fact that he can't have a future with me because of our circumstance but I don't know if I believe that or if he just used that as an excuse to leave. This other woman is also married, getting a divorce now because her husband found texts from OM. OM says that they were having problems already and they were divorcing anyway.

 

I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with what I did and what's now happening to me. If there is one thing I can take away from all this its that I damn well will make sure my next relationship is based on honesty, trust and respect. My biggest fear is that I won't find a man that meets those expectations. Anyone else been burned like this?

 

Sounds like OM is a MW predator who preys on unhappy MW. Anytime a person can seduce you knowing that you are M and they know your spouse, that is a sign that they have no integrity and low morals. You CAN find a man who is honest and has integrity, but you must first find honest and integrity within yourself to attract the same kind of person.

 

You attract what you put out to the universe.

[Friskyone4u]

I would not beat yourself up. You did not love your husband for years, you DID LEAVE HIM, so the only real mistake was not divorcing before you started the affair. You also seem to recognize that cheating was not the good course of action.

As far as your OM, it always amazes me how smart women who are used to hearing bull **** from men since they hit puberty, somehow fall for all this crap from MM that they would never believe when they are single and dating. He wanted the sex from you, and now he is getting ot from someone else. Happens all the time.

I don't agree with someone saying you do not deserve an honest man. But you need to not marry one or stay married to one that you do not love or you will just do it again.

[mitz36]

I'm hoping that what goes around comes around. My ex cheated with my best friend and they are now dating. She is married (for 20 yrs) but separated shortly before I found out what they were doing. Her kids hate her and she doesn't care, my ex is a completely different person now, Mr nice guy is now a lying cheater. She on the other hand has a past of cheating.

I did nothing to deserve this and they're living happily ever after.

I am also now sleeping with a MM.... oh the tangled webs we weave.

but seriously, where is the karma she deserves?!?

 

Rant over ?

[anika99]

I'm hoping that what goes around comes around. My ex cheated with my best friend and they are now dating. She is married (for 20 yrs) but separated shortly before I found out what they were doing. Her kids hate her and she doesn't care, my ex is a completely different person now, Mr nice guy is now a lying cheater. She on the other hand has a past of cheating.

I did nothing to deserve this and they're living happily ever after.

I am also now sleeping with a MM.... oh the tangled webs we weave.

but seriously, where is the karma she deserves?!?

 

Rant over ?

 

 

Her consequences (I don't believe in Karma)are that her kids hate her (as a mother myself I would consider that pretty painful. If she doesn't care right now she will in the near future), her boyfriend is a lying two faced cheater, she has lost her marriage and a lifelong friendship and I'm sure there's more to come.

[ByMyself01]

Well, here I am a year and a half after my affair. So much has happened but here's the basic background.

 

 

I left my H about 6 mos after my affair had begun. I hadn't been in love with him for a couple years before. I just felt no passion, and when he was away, I never missed him. No, I didn't rewrite my marital history. I pretty much didn't care what he did when he was not with me. The OM made me feel great, the sex was great and he was soooo attentive.

 

 

I eventually moved out and separated. My H never found out. OM and I became close, texting daily, meeting up once or twice weekly.

 

 

As we became closer, OM said he couldn't stand the fact that we could never be a "real" couple. We run in the same social circles and he is friends with H. I argued with him and asked him to give it time. That once my D is final, we can come out with it in the near future.

 

 

Well, turns out he had been talking with another woman a month before and I found out they flirted heavily, eventually leading to sex. OM blames the fact that he can't have a future with me because of our circumstance but I don't know if I believe that or if he just used that as an excuse to leave. This other woman is also married, getting a divorce now because her husband found texts from OM. OM says that they were having problems already and they were divorcing anyway.

 

 

I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with what I did and what's now happening to me. If there is one thing I can take away from all this its that I damn well will make sure my next relationship is based on honesty, trust and respect. My biggest fear is that I won't find a man that meets those expectations. Anyone else been burned like this?

 

I have in the past. He left his wife for me then dated me and found another woman on me. The betrayal type is the betrayal type they never change. If they break they rules they always break the rules no matter who they're with. It takes real, life-changing circumstances to change most dishonest people to honest and notice I said MOST people will change with REAL life-changing experiences. Not all. What goes around sure does come around because I wanted him so badly and when I THOUGHT I Had him, I never really did, ever. The wife had more of him than I did even when they weren't together.

[ttfn555]

I don't know if "what goes around comes around" or if karma is real...I was a BS, my husband moved in with his OW, abandoned his kids( he gave up full custody) because he wanted to be free of responsibility even though I was the sole wage earner...after 5 yrs later, they have just broken up, she lost her condo, her job, had an abortion(she has never had kids) lives with her sister in a friend's house and he is almost homeless...but it doesn't make me feel good, it makes me sad, eventhough I have my own house, a great job and two beautiful kids...was it all worth it for him? just be true to yourself and true to others...

[ByMyself01]

I don't know if "what goes around comes around" or if karma is real...I was a BS, my husband moved in with his OW, abandoned his kids( he gave up full custody) because he wanted to be free of responsibility even though I was the sole wage earner...after 5 yrs later, they have just broken up, she lost her condo, her job, had an abortion(she has never had kids) lives with her sister in a friend's house and he is almost homeless...but it doesn't make me feel good, it makes me sad, eventhough I have my own house, a great job and two beautiful kids...was it all worth it for him? just be true to yourself and true to others...

 

Oh Karma is real, I'm a living testimony and you see what happened to your husband. You might not say it, but I will. "Thats what he gets." I might get my karma now for saying that.

[ttfn555]

I totally get it, I guess I am always trying to wrap my head around it. After having a few long term relationships after my divorce that I ended because it wasn't "what I wanted", I met the man I wanted, who was all i was looking for except he was MARRIED, well , separated...I have been busting my ass raising kids all alone and was taking some time off from dating to really focus and he shows up at my door-literally-for something i was doing on my house...Karma or just a test...

[GirlStillStrong]

I don't know if "what goes around comes around" or if karma is real...I was a BS, my husband moved in with his OW, abandoned his kids( he gave up full custody) because he wanted to be free of responsibility even though I was the sole wage earner...after 5 yrs later, they have just broken up, she lost her condo, her job, had an abortion(she has never had kids) lives with her sister in a friend's house and he is almost homeless...but it doesn't make me feel good, it makes me sad, eventhough I have my own house, a great job and two beautiful kids...was it all worth it for him? just be true to yourself and true to others...

 

It's amazing what people will give up just to feel good momentarily. We make such unhealthy decisions and it seems like we all have no control over our brains sometimes. I have known people who have given up families, children, homes, cars, businesses, their health, and all of their assets just to chase a drug that makes them high for an hour or two. It's ridiculous.

[Clay]

If your serious about learning your lesson then you should be honest to your xH and your future partners about your betrayal. The only way to really own it is to accept the hurt and negative you have caused people. You never know It might actually help you heal more than you realize if you just start being honest to people.

 

Clay