Hurting

[Cadybug]

I'm really confused and hurting right now. A couple of days ago I asked my husband why he had a profile on a dating service. I also found that he had been watching live web cams. He said that the dating site was attached to the porn he was looking at. I'm not sure why that explains why his profile was filled out. I think that web cams cross a serious line into cheating. He said he doesn't type anything in, just watches. For a while I had no problem with porn and watched it with him sometimes. I am no longer interested in it but he will still visit sites and I hate it. Lately he has changed the why he touches me. He has now said that he is moving out because of our confrontation the other day. Our sons birthday is coming and everything is fallling apart. There is much, much more, but my question is, is this the equivalent of cheating? It really hurts me that he looks at so much porn, I clear out the temp internet files and it has so much in it! I need advice.

[Marshbear]

You both need to see a counselor to see if anything can be salvaged. If he won't go then you need to for your own emotional health. Porn is an addiction and can ruin a marriage because it is a fantasy life. It can get worse and worse if he doesn't own up to the addiction. He wants to include you in his addiction and because you didn't want to be involved, now he wants to leave you.

 

I think counseling is the only solution.....

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Cadybug

....is this the equivalent of cheating? It really hurts me that he looks at so much porn...

 

In my own particular situation, I decided that 2-dimensional viewing was not really cheating. The 3-dimensional aspect of interacting with live people...that was a different story. That's my personal perception of it anyhow, other people will disagree.

 

I posted alot about that is this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57095/ So, I won't repeat it all here. It was long.

 

I think one of the key things that will help you here is to find out EXACTLY what your situation is. You might consider installing a keylogger onto your PC. If you type the words "internet porn addiction" into your browser, you'll find out more information on that.

 

I would also check the detail records on his cell phone if he has one. Once they go interactive, they start talking. It helps them prove they are "real".

 

Armed with the exact knowledge of how far these "interactions" have gone, you'll be better equipped to make decisions. I won't lie to you, I find it very concerning that he's willing to leave home over it. That could indicate that he's more deeply involved than you know.

 

In the meantime, while you're doing this reconnaisance, you might consider backing off from confrontation for a little while. (I'm assuming here that your preference is to continue on in the marriage? ) Allow him to be lulled into a sense of laxed security. I know it sounds mean and tricky....but you can't deal with the facts, until you have the facts.

 

Be sweet to him. Be attractive. Be understanding. Allow him to remember what a wonderful person you are. Don't cry, or react in any kind of hysterical way. You want him to see you as the pleasant alternative to leaving hearth and home.