Is it ever ok for a H to lack off on his jobs at home?

[StillHurtin]

My H and I both work full time. All I expect him to do is mow the lawn (which takes about 2 hours b/c we live on an acreage) and take the trash out to the burn barrels and burn it. I clean house, do laundry, do the dishes, cook (which he does occassionally when he wants but I clean up after him.) He has been working about 10 hours a day and weekends so he is working overtime. When I work overtime I don't lack off on my household chores. Almost every night when he comes home from work his sits in front of the tv and falls asleep. He goes to bed around 11-11:30 pm and gets up a little b4 6 am for work. 2nite he comes home, flops his butt in the chair and falls asleep while I have to cook for all of us plus dd's friend. B4 I started supper I said the trash needed to be burned (FOUR stinking bags sitting in the kitchen, YUCK!) and he says "Oh, I suppose you want me to get right on that huh?" Like a real jerk! I told him to forget it, I grabbed all the bags and headed out to burn it! If I want anything done, I have to do it myself!

 

When he is working so much overtime should I give him a break and let him rest and do all his work, or should he still keep up w/ his work? He only has to mow once a week, and the trash needs to be burned every other day.

[heavenly]

StillHurtin, I could have written your post (except I stay at home with our daughters). My husband's only real jobs are garbage, diaper pail, and mowing. It literally takes me 3 days to get him to take out the garbage...it's as if he just waits for me to start bitching at him about it before he'll do it. And the diaper pail - well, don't get me started on that.

 

Still trying to figure out the best way to get things accomplished

[StillHurtin]

I was a SAHM for almost 8 years but ran a daycare out of our home so I was not only busy caring for our two children, but for other ppl's children. I was already home so when the kids were napping or having freeplay after activities I would clean and do laundry. My house was a lot cleaner than it is now needless to say. Our H's are so lazy, they only want to do things they want to do and expect us to take care of everything else. My H use to be really good about doing the trash and unloading and loading the DW but he hasn't done any of it for several weeks. Must be rough to come home and sit his fat one in the recliner and watch tv or sleep. And then a little bit ago he had the nerve to bitch at me b/c he couldn't find a pair of jeans! ERRR! If he would get off his butt and put his OWN clothes away he could find them. My dad doesn't do housework either but he does occassionally. He will take out the trash and vaccum. He is a truck driver and is gone from early morning till late at night so he doesn't really have much time to help. My mom doesn't work so she has plenty of time to do the housework. A marriage is 50/50 and the H's should help out a little. My mil said that my H's dad never helped around the house either. Well, she raised only one child, I am raising two, but when I did daycare I was raising my kids plus other ppl's kids. Housework is a sore subject w/ me.

[RecordProducer]

The guy who posted the thread against marriage should read this. Some women are their husbands' servants.

Anyway, I think it's not the same if the wife works vs. a SAHM. If you don't work, you have at least 8 hours a day more than him. In any case it's also unfair if the wife works all day and the husband works only 8 hours and then doesn't help at home.

StillHurting, perhaps you could organize your time better like maybe cook for two days at once?

Tell your husband that you will hire someone to mow the lawn if he doesn't do it.

Be late with his laundry to show him how it feels.

[johan]

Is it OK? I don't see it as a moral obligation. It's a living arrangement that is subject to change.

 

Chances are those things wouldn't get done if you suddenly stopped doing it. If you weren't in his life, he'd probably let stuff build up and run down to some point where he couldn't stand it anymore. His threshold is different from yours. I think it's important to respect that deep down he doesn't really care about those things. And he should probably respect that you do. Your caring about it doesn't make him care about it. If you can't come up with some way for him to become personally motivated to do those things on his own, then you'll just be struggling with him like this forever.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Dr. Laura once said that household chores should be split based on percentage of income brought into the home. I totally disagree with her and believe that it should be split based on percentage of involuntary hours worked outside the home.

 

IE. If he's working overtime to avoid being that home, that is voluntary, but if his boss gives him no choice, that is involuntary (but not really easy to prove, is it).

[Mz. Pixie]

It depends on how much he's working as far as overtime. My BF works basically three jobs- he's a teacher, coach and he has a second job as well. He's hardly ever home so he can't be expected to pull much weight right now. When he works his second job he gets home around 11:30-12:00 am. He goes from school to the other job so there is no transition time basically. When he is at home however I would expect him to have a little down time but still to help when he can.

 

If your H is getting home around seven and staying up until 11:30 then that leaves plenty of time for him to do what few things you ask him to do.

 

When do you get to relax?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

A marriage is 50/50 and the H's should help out a little.

 

 

edit...a marriage is 100/100.

 

I work full time and help with kids in the morning (dressed, breakfast, ride to school). I also do ALL the yardwork. I also cook half the time and do dishes half the time....mostly casue i like to cook and like a clear sink. I do clean EVERY weekend. Either by myself or me and wife do it together.

 

Wife works partime days and also nigths on the weekend. She does ALL the laundry...(I am not allowed?..hahaha) and she does all the money managing and most of the shopping. She also does more with the kids during the week since she is part time. She does clean, but since she staring to work weekends...I try to do most of it so she doesnt have that burden along with working weekends.

 

NOW....go into the past about 5 years....and I admit I was not the best husband...but after going thru what we went trhu....I CHANGED.....I knew it wasnt fair to her or to our marriage relationship.

 

We do cook and clean and fold laundry together. We also let the kids help. I do all of this as a duty to my marriage and family. Its takes all of us to run a house. not just the mommy person.

 

I wish more males saw it like me....but most are programmed to think they cant do the house chores...which is a myth of society....I think sometimes i am in the minority.....but I know i am doing the RIGHT thing....and I wont cahnge back to how I was....In fact after a few months of this routine...I actual like cleaning ......I take some pride in it...

 

So to answer your question...if you botrh work fulltime and have children....then YES the H should help out with all of the chores.....

 

Try this. Make a list of the things that need to be done. If he gets all the yeard work, then you get all the laundry. BUT...list all the other chores and divy them up eqaully. Switch it up every weekend so you dont get all the hard jobs all the time. Once you get past the feeling that this is WORK and turn into a DUTY to the house (no different that paying the bills, something you HAVE to do, right).....then it will be much easier for both of you. I mean whats the big deal anyway....everyone likes a clean and tidy house....

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay

I wish more males saw it like me....but most are programmed to think they cant do the house chores...which is a myth of society....

 

que Alphamale to tell me I am ruining it for the husbands of the world....

[whichwayisup]

que Alphamale to tell me I am ruining it for the husbands of the world....

 

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

My exH was very good at helping keep the house tidy and the yardwork, cooking, laundry etc. However, we still had different ideas where all this was concerned. For example, when we both got home from work, he insisted on starting supper right away. Not even a minute to rest. Yet whenever I got caught up at work, supper never seemed to be started as he found something else to do.

 

Then after dinner, I would like to relax and clean up the dishes after the kids are in bed. But Nooooo he wanted things cleaned up right away. Yuck! Like no flexibility! Drove me nuts!

 

I even made suggestions to help our marriage, like make something fast for the kids to eat and then do something with them and get them to bed. Then make a nice meal to have together after they've gone to bed. But Noooooo he didn't want to have to do everything twice.

 

I also told him when I went to work Fulltime that I wanted to hire a cleaning lady. He said Noooooo I'll help out. Well here I was every Sat morning, enjoying my coffee and the newspaper, but all alone cuz he was running around like the energizer bunny cleaning the house. I realize I don't have as much energy as he does, but would like to spend time with him, not watching him clean the damn house!

 

Have u ever heard someone complain so much about their husband doing housework??!?!?!

[Mz. Pixie]

TMW-

 

I'm so glad that you see it that way. I fully believe that a good percentage of marriages that end head towards trouble with issues like that. I was responsible for most of the chores at the marital home when I was with exh. I came home from work and didn't sit down until nine o'clock at night. Well, mostly he had been sitting on his rear watching tv until then and then once I sat down well he was ready for sex. I wasn't because I was about to drop!

 

Most men cannot get the connection between sex and helping their partners. If I'm not about to pass out from being responsible for everything then I'm alot more open to adventures in the bedroom.

 

My BF totally gets this. We may run off and get married one day. He's already promised me to do his laundry and mine (he's very good and organized) if I will do the kids. He will do the grass cutting and I will help him with flowers and landscaping. He will pay the bills if I keep all the filing for that organized. We will have a lady come in to do deep cleaning once a month (he already does this) and I will do it otherwise. We will share the cooking and cleaning the kitchen duties. I think it's a pretty good start.