Sweet Beginnings with a Bitter End - My story (Why NC must be followed) Updated

[Simon Phoenix]

I just want her to understand the hurt she put me through.

 

If sending that message will not phase her - then i want to tell her that I've decided that im going to contact her new BF and tell him the truth about her.

 

I just want to make her sweat, and that would...

 

This might be an even worse idea. Simply awful.

[Haydn]

You are going to come across very desperate and a bit creepy.

 

Really bad idea.

 

Just write it for yourself. Then bin it.

[Maverick27]

She has made me a crazy person.

 

Anyone here that has followed my entire story of the past two months, could you please give me a your full, not-holding-back opinion of my experience? Be as harsh as you please.

[tylerj]

You've been mistreated and you've shown all the typical breakup signs all of us go through. Right now you're in the anger stage and I completely understand. I have been there before and I will be there again soon I am sure.

 

The important thing is to be the better person. Don't let your anger beat you. It's a good first step you've posted this here rather than sending it. Keep to that plan.

 

Try to find a release for your anger, whether that's going and doing some exercise or just finding a secluded space to shout angry thoughts.

[Diezel]

She has made me a crazy person.

 

Anyone here that has followed my entire story of the past two months, could you please give me a your full, not-holding-back opinion of my experience? Be as harsh as you please.

 

She may have initially made you a crazy person, but from now on, this is all on you. You are allowing this to continue. As someone who has followed your past two months, I've seen you time and time again ignore a lot of the good advice and do whatever you want regardless.

 

That's all fine and dandy, but you sound like someone who is perpetually stuck on Day 1.

 

You are so focused on HER that you really haven't looked at yourself and how to heal. All you want to do is hurt her as much as she hurt you.

 

You still haven't figured out that the best revenge is just living well, and she doesn't need to hear from you in order for you to do that.

[Maverick27]

I really appreciate all of you guys and gals putting the time into reading and replying to my mindless rantings. Thank you for not giving up on me every time i mess up.

 

Diezel - Yes, i agree with you. I think radio head said it best with 'You do it to yourself'.

 

Yes, all i want to do is hurt her - but instead i've just been incredibly nice to her.

 

You know what's funny? I am a Science student and up until this experience i considered myself a very logical and rational person that would never let there emotions get the better of them. BUT WOW was i wrong.

 

All my friends keep telling me im a young, attractive, smart, kind individual that deserves better than this.

 

But i honestly feel sub-human. This has reduced me to smouldering pile of emotional faeces.

 

My therapist keeps telling me that 'Im at the beginining of the most beautiful part of my life' - but i feel like she's just saying that so i keep coming back and paying her.

 

I really hope that the 'Phoenix form the fire metaphor' holds some truth.

 

I'd like to read some success stories of perseverance and success

[Ruby65]

Looking at your journey using the 5 Stages of Grief model, you've moved from Denial, which is where you began... through the Bargaining stage of trying to negotiate your way back into the relationship.... experienced the sadness and futility of Depression.... and now you've started the Anger stage.

 

Which is a really healthy sign. The anger will help you move on!

 

It's okay to be furious at her right now. It's energizing and it helps to kick her off that pedestal and kick you in the butt to move forward from Depression.

 

Remember all these stages are necessary to help you arrive at Acceptance, which is your goal now: to accept, to heal and move on.

 

So despite feeling like a smouldering pile of emotional feces, I actually think you're doing really well!

 

Keep up the good work.

[Clarkwg]

It's bad enough that she has got you in such a state of mind without giving her the satisfaction of knowing.

Do nothing, send nothing & let the good people of LS help you in your recovery, they will help far more than that letter will.

[Stercrazy]

Awesome job in writing out your feelings in a letter to her. But under no circumstances should you send it. Take the letter.....read it out loud with everything you got....then burn it in the sink. She doesn't deserve you and you most certainly deserve better then her.

You fell in love and got hurt.....that's OK. It means your human with a heart. Now heal and find someone who deserves you and appreciates who you are for you.

[erklat]

All awful ideas that come to your mind - I already did them before coming to LS.

 

Don't be that guy that did them...

[10yearsgoneaway]

...I've sent emails like this. It was during the anger phase. Which people warned me about. I sent him a short email, around 2am-ish..like the opposite of a drunk text. It was just a few sentences but ended with me saying something about looking forward to old age and being how happy I'd be seeing his obituary.

 

The anger phase is fierce. I mean raging. ..

 

My ex one day did a 180(the break up day), out of nowhere said things like, he rather "hang himself then be in this relationship" and then would say the break up "was not a reflection on who I was as a person and nothing I did" and I was a amazing person that he still wants in his life....but then be cold and hurtful.

 

I supported him in every way, never turned away, care about him as a person...

 

So to say those things..some people are indeed total a**wipes. I had no problem sending that email. The next morning I saw what I wrote, it was harsh..but I was glad I sent it. It was actually so bad, it was the one thing that got to him and hurt him. Part of me felt bad, but for the old him. the other part was glad I hurt the new him. He did become different, or at least, The "him" I knew never existed...

Edited May 11, 2015 by 10yearsgoneaway

[ToOldForThis]

Maverick:

 

I wrote a similar email to my ex a several weeks back. Really wanted to send it. Everyone on the forum advised against it for all the same reasons they are telling you now.

 

Then one night at 4:00 AM I woke up angry, really angry and just hit the send button.

Too late I thought, who cares, she deserves my wrath and fury. I made sure content in the letter would not allow her to read it to anyone. Had that covered.

 

Then a few hours later….deep regret. I was mean; unkind to a woman I had loved for many years.(and still did) I intentionally tried to hurt her. It was childish. I felt embarrassed. I wanted to send an apology, which I did not. I would have looked like the crazy person I was becoming.

 

A couple of facts to think about.

 

1. You will never know if she read any or all of it.

2. If she responds, how will that affect you, if she doesn’t how will that affect you?

3. If you bump into her in the future, this may be the last communication you had and you will be embarrassed by it.

 

Some other info having been on the receiving side of an angry letter.

 

I split with an ex years ago. We had been on again off again. There was no cheating, I was growing apart from her; she was also but still wanted to keep us going. The break was pretty civil, but I was in a much stronger emotional place than her so I was not such a mess.

 

When I received her angry letter, I read it, twice. I felt bad for hurting her and that she was still in such pain. I wanted to reach out to her and comfort her and help her understand yet again why we could not be together. Instead. I filed it, and left her alone.

She sent 2 more letters after that. I finally replied and asked her to please stop and that I would no longer read any of them. 2 more came which I deleted without reading. We did not speak again.

 

Four years later, we met up. We talked for hours; we shared old memories and had a nice long walk. But eventually, she got angry all over again. Started to really express it, I just stood there, as she would yelled at me, then would apologize then yell again. I encouraged her to get it all out, any incident any thoughts just blast them at me. She cried, I held her. She finally had her closure.

 

What’s my point? You will not get any closure from this letter. You may never get closure. If you don’t deal with this now it can haunt you for years. I suggest buying a nice plastic bat and start pounding your mattress screaming all the wrongs you are feeling. Do it whenever your anger arises. It can really help.

 

But please…. don’t send the letter.

[todreaminblue]

if it were me getting that letter it would crush me......i would feel like dirt for a very long time.....i got crushed when a guy i rejected said to me you go by looks dont you you arent a very nice person....thats enough to sink my heart..........that crushed me.....i dont go by looks at all and saying i wasnt a nice person is never what i want someone to think of me..

 

 

when my ex fo fifteen broke it off with me and got vicious it did more damage to me than the actual break up.....sayign i was a worthless mother and a ****ed up person and a retard......i cant describe the hurt and woudl rather not.....all i know is he is very sorry he ever said stuff to em liek he did and took it all back......so i forgive him............

 

in saying what i have above......i would realize that a guy who sent this letter to me would never have really cared for me in the first place....i would probably lash back out of hurt feelings...a protection mode activated......which causes more feelings of worthlessness and guilt in me...i dont like to lash out ..and so another choice i would have is i would go complete no contact..

 

now if a guy who sent me a letter that said i wish we could have worked it out i am hurt how it all went down......if ever you need a friend to talk to......or i wish nothing but the best for you.....that is a guy who cares for me like really cares.........and that is a guy i would talk to again

 

i dont know about other women..and i dont know your ex......but letters of a nasty nature .....do hurt....if that is what you want to achieve then send it.....but if you truly care for her as you profess to have loved her..........dont send it you will regret it...dont lash out.....it causes more guilt to you than you deserve to have.....its not productive and damaging...............deb

[Maverick27]

Thank you todreaminblue and ToOldForThis - What both of you wrote helped me to not send this to her. THanks for sharing your experiences with this kind of letter sending. I'm definitely not going to send it - it's way too cruel. I want her to feel my pain, but that wont change anything for me, so theres no point.

 

It's a bit of a funny question really. Can you be angry for someone for doing anything they can in the pursuit of happiness, even if it means destroying someone else? I know i couldn't cheat, lie and betray someone so badly - but who knows, maybe i just never met someone worth destroying someone elses livelihood for.

 

Ruby65 _ thank you...again for your wisdom. haha your name pops up in every one one of my posts - its so heartwarming to know that someone you've never met before and isnt benefiting from you in any way would be so generous to offer help in anothers time of need.

 

I feel far less angry today. In fact im not really angry at all. I've definitely moved forward in the sense that i know we are never going to get back together and i genuinely do not hold onto any hope. Mainly because, when it all boils down we werent very capatable.

 

I think all my anger and sadness is coming from a couple of things she said to me during the breakup. She kept telling me that she had a 'connection' with this guy, and that 'i wouldn't understand'. It hurts because it just cheapens everything we had.

I cant stop focusing on this 'connection' that they have. What has he got that i dont? what is he doing for her that i didnt? - I know these are pointless thoughts, because i'll never know - or really want to know...

 

And for her to have the audacity to call me crying about how much she misses her long distance boyfriend she left me for - wow

 

Still - i think that my ego is extremely bruised and by getting angry at her it sooths it.

[OK_computer]

She may have initially made you a crazy person, but from now on, this is all on you. You are allowing this to continue. As someone who has followed your past two months, I've seen you time and time again ignore a lot of the good advice and do whatever you want regardless.

 

That's all fine and dandy, but you sound like someone who is perpetually stuck on Day 1.

 

You are so focused on HER that you really haven't looked at yourself and how to heal. All you want to do is hurt her as much as she hurt you.

 

You still haven't figured out that the best revenge is just living well, and she doesn't need to hear from you in order for you to do that.

 

This statement sends a chill down my spine, because it took me YEARS to understand that that statement-right there- is all you are in the capacity to do, to EVER do.

 

Maverick, take that little sentence to your grave, it's golden. I've put my body through some of the worst drug abuse, clinical and/or recreational, to finally come this axiom, proverb, dictum, whatever.

 

We try to be happy, or to present ourselves as happy to our exes, as if it's something to prove, in hopes that they will change their mind about you, come running back arms wide open-eyes wide shut. That is our folly. We are so enmeshed in 'looking' happy, rather than 'feeling' it, because we want them to think we are happy--we are not, sadly.

 

It's not until you realize, that you can feel genuinely happy, from within, that we escape from the chains that bind is to search for validation from our ex. OUR ex must play no role in our happiness, nor is she entitled to know that we are happy. There's no showing off in a break up, it's a serious matter, a matter which engulfs-or rather ejects-two lives in polar directions.

 

She doesn't need to know you're happy, there's no fun in that. There's no fun in making her jealous, hate you, etc.

 

I was screaming in my sleep at 3 AM a couple weeks ago, yelling how much i hate my ex, yelling it out loud, so loud, that i couldn't anymore and i passed out. I too dream of revenge, to say one last thing, one more night, one more fight, because this time, i'll have my say/my peace. But as much as I yell to myself, bulldoze the life out of me, i cannot and will not say any of this to her. I may punch a steering wheel, i may punch my pillow, but I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing, i hate her so, that i still feel for her, these moot and banal emotions of hate, anger, lust, love, etc.

 

There is not revenge Maverick, not in this life. It's not until we are happy with our lives, and have truly moved on, and when the sunsets you're rushing to have dinner with your new love and her parents and you're running 15 mins late on a midsummers' night, (and you've forgotten the existence of this girl, or she becomes a fleeting apathetic thought as you see something that reminds you of her), that you've had your revenge, and by that time...you're indifferently so.

 

 

 

 

 

Maverick, sort out your life.

Edited May 12, 2015 by OK_computer

[Maverick27]

Holy crap OK_computer and Diezel- your post(s) hit me like a train.

 

You are so unbelievably correct.

 

After all, that is why she left in the end, i've turned into a burnt-out loser over the past year. Why? Because im not happy. She masked my discontent. Now she's gone, i feel so worthless - but not because of her (maybe a little bit), but because im a shell of the person i used to be.

 

The last time i saw her - i acted like my life was amazing - i even went as far as to lie about all the new things i was doing, just to impress her. But in reality, they were only things that i WISH i was doing but was to apathetic to do it.

 

Seriously, reading this post was like an 'ah ha!' moment. Thankyou, i've been searching the dark for answers you finally turned the lights on.

 

After i've finished replying to this - im going to sit down and write out a big list of all the things i dont like about my current life, all the things i want to do, and all the things i CAN do.

 

**** yeah, this is the best i've felt in two months.

[OK_computer]

Glad to be of assistance.

[Maverick27]

Hello Friends,

 

For the first time in months i experienced genuine indifference towards my ex. Not sure if this is just another stop on the rollercoaster, but i've been feeling it all day and it's making me quite excited.

 

I woke up this morning and didnt feel any anger or hurt. I dont care what she thinks of me, i dont care what she's doing. I only thought about what IM doing.

 

I think i finally just got tired of it. It's not worth caring about anymore.

 

Just thought that was worth sharing to all those who have followed my story of self-destruction! x

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, it's probably a high that will come crashing down, but the fact that you've reached this high is progress and shows that you are going in the right direction. If you don't sabotage yourself, you'll experience more of these highs and less of the lows as time goes on.

[I_Give_Up67]

Now would be the perfect time for you to start looking to meet single ladies. Take your time searching

 

and and be selective, if you want to find a decent one. You do not want to rush things and end up with someone that's going to set you back emotionally.

 

I've been following your story, and you've come far. Keep moving forward, and do not look back!

[brokengirl85]

Wow, this is a great post to read this morning!!!! I'm so happy for you!!

[brokengirl85]

Yeah, it's probably a high that will come crashing down, but the fact that you've reached this high is progress and shows that you are going in the right direction. If you don't sabotage yourself, you'll experience more of these highs and less of the lows as time goes on.

 

oh...I hadn't read this one. This is so true. Sometimes I feel great, not thinking about him, not caring at all, then I crash again. I'm happy to hear this highs are progress though

[HeBa]

Wow the moment i read that topic i felt Wow ! im so happy for you , i hope i can reach that stage too ..wishing you all the best .. you have done great job winning yourself back

[erklat]

Given the fact that you had those simply awful ideas couple of days ago,

there will be relapses. But you will eventually get there genuinely.

[Maverick27]

Hi friends,

 

So, a friend from Uni just invited me to her birthday party. I want to go, because she has a lot of attractive single friends and I'm finally in the mood for dating again.

 

HOWEVER - my ex (messy breakup) is going to be there and she knows a large portion of the people going to be there. I, on the other hand, only know the girl who's party it is...and my ex.

 

Should i go? Or will i feel like a bit of a dunce if i dont get along with people and my ex see's me alone.

 

Sorry if this is a bit of a stupid question