Sweet Beginnings with a Bitter End - My story (Why NC must be followed) Updated

[Throldur]

The realization is the hardest part. I have come to it and feel like I'm horrendously ****ed. I'm like a Zombie right now.

[Ruby65]

It might be helpful to Google the "5 Stages of Grief" model, which is something many people go through when faced with a major loss: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance.

 

Usually when the breakup happens, you're in the Denial stage and actively engaged in Bargaining to get your ex back (trying to negotiate your way back in, keeping on the rose-colored glasses, apologizing for your part in the breakup, promising to change, etc).

 

At some point -- where I think you are right now, OP -- you break through the Denial with the realization that the Bargaining isn't going to work.

 

It feels devastating.... but this is where you can really go No Contact and stick to it and where the true healing begins.

 

From this point, for me anyway, how it usually works is cycling through the remaining stages -- anger, depression, acceptance -- until a new kind of equilibrium is achieved.

 

I love to use the 5 Stages as a guide because it helps it all seem less chaotic somehow.... like at least if you're feeling really angry one day, or really depressed, you can at least know that ultimately you're working towards Acceptance.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you're 24! If you're in the states, she can't even get into a bar!! Just a couple of years ago, she probably had her room plastered with One Direction posters. Hell, she probably does now!

 

 

I think it's about time to heal from this an move on. Time to find some girls closer to your age and that have the maturity to handle a relationship.

[fireflywy]

^^This^^ is right on. She's young. You, as I told another poster, are in a golden age. Do your best to enjoy it.

[Maverick27]

I highly recommend NO ONE do this post-breakup. That was the worst idea i'd ever had.

 

Reading all the way back form the start, when we met and we're flirting. Reading all the messages of us in the honeymoon period made me feel physically ill. I just wanted to message her something cute and funny like we used to...but instead of getting a cute and funny response like the history would predict...i'd get a 'why are you talking to me' or no reply...

 

It's hard looking back at when you were happy...

 

Now she is in this cute-messaging stage with the guy she left me for...

 

Devastating

[SLee]

I'm so sorry about how you're feeling. I truly empathize. When my ex dumped me (very recent) I had to delete all his texts, all the pictures on my phone etc. I dare not go into Facebook messages. Just looking at the pictures on my phone or on Facebook from when we were happy was too painful.

 

I deactivated my Facebook for a while post break up, only checking it weekly for stuff I needed to. I recommend that, if you can. Block her. I know it sucks, but do it, if you haven't already. You need to focus on YOU. This is about YOU now.

[citoxiuq]

Ouch.

 

I don't use The Facebook but I did make the mistake of reading over 2700 of our text messages from beginning to end shortly after the BU. Grabbed the backup, exported it to excel to make it an easier reading experience and went to town.

 

It brought a lot of sadness true, but it also helped shine a bright light on some of the darker corners so it had a cathartic effect as well.

 

It was tough though for sure, not for the faint of heart...

[Maverick27]

The hardest part about reading was knowing the exact point where things started to go bad.

 

It was all me.

 

I stopped talking my antidepressants after babout 7 months together and everything went downhill. By reading it i could see as i became less flritacious and more blunt and cold. I become so angry and stressed all the time and she was always trying to help me, but i always brushed her off.

 

That was the hardest part...realising that i pushed her away. I'd give anything to go back to what we used to be...before we moved in together and my mental health took a nose dive. She always thought it was her making me unhappy, so she'd try so hard, but it wasnt enough.

 

After reading all that, i truly forgive her for Cheating on me and leaving me for this other guy. She tried so hard to make me happy but she just couldnt. I feel so horrible. She was smart, beautiful, funny and would have done anything for me.

 

It's been 7 weeks since the break up and this is by far my worst day...

[citoxiuq]

Couldn't have been all you. Relationships are two way streets...

 

I empathize with your pain though.

[SycamoreCircle]

Mav, I've glanced over your story. It's not dissimilar to my own. In both cases we lived with VERY young women.

 

You've got to break this spell of feeling responsible. Young, emotionally immature women are like reeds in the wind. I chatted with a 25-year-old co-worker a week ago about her recent BU. She cheated on her bf of a year.

 

-Why?

 

-He always decided what we were doing in the evenings. I met another guy who did stuff I liked to do.

 

-Did you ever communicate to your bf that you wanted to pick the evening's activities?

 

-No.

 

-???

 

Women this age think of men as low-hanging fruit on a tree. Sure, you could have done a million things differently. You could have anticipated her every need. Guess what? She still would have cheated on you. Cheaters don't cheat because they have no other options. They cheat because they can.

 

Stop beating yourself up. Stop looking at her social media. I promise you this new guy will be done with her in a few months at most. Cheaters attract other cheaters. She'll either come running back to you, so she can cheat on you again or run to some other guy whose head she can mess with.

[SLee]

The hardest part about reading was knowing the exact point where things started to go bad.

 

It was all me.

 

I stopped talking my antidepressants after babout 7 months together and everything went downhill. By reading it i could see as i became less flritacious and more blunt and cold. I become so angry and stressed all the time and she was always trying to help me, but i always brushed her off.

 

That was the hardest part...realising that i pushed her away. I'd give anything to go back to what we used to be...before we moved in together and my mental health took a nose dive. She always thought it was her making me unhappy, so she'd try so hard, but it wasnt enough.

 

After reading all that, i truly forgive her for Cheating on me and leaving me for this other guy. She tried so hard to make me happy but she just couldnt. I feel so horrible. She was smart, beautiful, funny and would have done anything for me.

 

It's been 7 weeks since the break up and this is by far my worst day...

I understand your pain. I too have very severe depression issues. I relied on my ex way too much and didn't take care of myself like I should have. My mental health also severely deteriorated, and there's no doubt that it contributed to the downfall of the relationship.

But it's also important to know that it does take two to make a relationship work. It's not all your fault. There isn't a blame. Having depression isn't your fault, nor is it mine, but it is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

 

Your situation is very similar to mine. Like I said having depression isn't your fault, but (and I can only go off my experience since I don't know you or her personally) people (at least my ex) can only take so much. They're human beings, and as strong as they might be, they're not invincible. And people may not as be strong as you or they originally thought. That was what I had to realize in my own situation. I can't say for sure if that applies to you.

 

Like I said in my previous post, the best thing you can do now is take care of YOU. It's all about YOU now. If you're not back on your antidepressants get on them now. If you're not in therapy, give it a shot if that's something you think you can help. Vent to friends and family, go out, work out, or do things that you enjoy. Find a new TV show to binge watch, take up a hobby that has nothing to do with your ex.

 

Here's a really good website I found and that I still go back to when I'm not thinking straight on bad days. The person there is really kind and understanding, but also practical and direct and replies to all comments and messages. It's a lot to sit through, but it's excellent:

 

http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

My heart does break for you, as my situation is a bit similar in some ways. Take care of you. Keep YOU at the center of your life for now. You need to heal. And remember your pain is normal and natural.

Edited April 18, 2015 by SLee
Typo fixed.

[Maverick27]

SycamoreCircle - i see what your saying, but i find it hard to come to terms with.

 

If she was getting everything she needed from me attention wise, which she definitely wasnt, i dont think she would have cheated.

 

This is the road block i am at with moving on....I dont think she's a bad person...i think she just wants to be loved...and i deprived her of that..

 

I thought i would be much further along the moving on path by now, but im not. Im no better, if not worse, that 3 weeks ago.

 

I still want her back, after everything. But she has completely moved on...

 

The whole break-up and finding out about the other guy has seriously traumatized me. One second i think she's pure evil and i want her to fall of the face of Earth, the next i think it's all my fault and i want to fix it.

[Maverick27]

SLee - thank you, nice knowing someone else understands this issue!

 

I have been aware of my psycologic short-comings for nearly ten years, so it is definitely my responsibility to take care of myself and not let it affect the people around me.

 

I am back on the medication and am working out, avoiding alcohol etc...still.... i just want her to see the 'real' me again...not the depressed, angry, stressed out guy.

 

I dont think im going to be able to move on until i apologise for not taking care of myself and letting things slip.

[SLee]

SLee - thank you, nice knowing someone else understands this issue!

 

I have been aware of my psycologic short-comings for nearly ten years, so it is definitely my responsibility to take care of myself and not let it affect the people around me.

 

I am back on the medication and am working out, avoiding alcohol etc...still.... i just want her to see the 'real' me again...not the depressed, angry, stressed out guy.

 

I dont think im going to be able to move on until i apologise for not taking care of myself and letting things slip.

It's okay to depend on people to help you through hard things, and your mental illness is not a "Short coming". Relationships are a great way to help you through those things with mutual love and support.

 

I'm glad you're taking care of your mental health. That's a wonderful step. You should be proud of yourself. Many people don't (myself included at times), especially in hard times like break ups, and it's heartbreaking to see.

 

As for your last sentence, I thought exactly the same thing. I thought he'd take me back or it'd help me move on if I just explained everything I did, why I pushed him away due to my depression and not taking care of myself properly. So I did. I told him all that. I apologized profusely. It didn't matter. Not one bit. Not that he didn't care, he understood and was fine with it, but it didn't make him want to take me back and it didn't help me move on. It just hurt more that he barely even acknowledged it. Bottom line is that it probably doesn't matter. SHE broke up with YOU. You don't owe her an apology. I don't owe my ex an apology. HE dumped ME. I don't owe him anything anymore. If he wanted to talk about that part of our relationship with me, he would, not that I should oblige him. Point is, you're not in relationship with her. Your apology might be appreciated on a somewhat superficial level (from what you describe, I don't think she's a bad person; neither is my ex) but it won't change her mind. And it likely won't help you. Once you heal COMPLETELY (which may be a while depending on a lot of things) and you still want to apologize, then do it and feel good about being a good person. Not before. It'll only hurt you more.

 

I understand the "real me" thing as well, almost exactly, my break up is also very recent. I'm still in that spot too somewhat, I flip back and forth. I want him to see the girl he fell in love with and not the sad, bitter, dysfunctional mess I became. In the end I don't know if it'll matter. But what I've come to realize, I need to be the real me FOR me. Not for him. Not so that my ex can "see" it.

 

You need to do the same. It'll help you heal. Doing things "for" the EX isn't going to help YOU and that's what you need right now. It's what you deserve.

 

Like I said before, take my advice with a grain of salt. Trust me, I know all of this is hard to hear and accept. And that's perfectly normal and natural. Your bound to get loads of different advice from everywhere. I know I have. But the best and most consistent advice I've gotten from everyone is to focus on ME. And that's what you need to do. Focus on YOU. And that's what I'm telling you now.

 

Lastly, depression is a serious issue that will likely be around for the majority, if not all your life. That's reality. That's what people with mental health issues have to deal with, but it's not a death sentence nor does it mean you can't have a full, beautiful, and happy life. And no matter what, there are going to be times in life where it's going to fluctuate. There will be amazing times, and other times it's likely you'll be in a hole again. I'm not trying to depress you further, I'm just speaking from my own experience. That's why self care, and taking those difficult steps to self-care, is so important. Because when you can help yourself, people will see that, and when you do fall into a hole, your loved ones and someone who loves you romantically will be there for you 100%.

 

Trust me, I am in depths of this too, I know how hard this is. But the most important thing, as I've been repeating (sorry for being redundant!), is to do everything for YOU. YOU are the center of your life now so make it about YOU. Whatever it takes.

[fireflywy]

Ouch. That sucks. When I went over all of my old text messages, the most I ever received from her, when she was at work, was her arguing. LOL Any other time I texted her sweet things, it took her hours to reply back because she was busy! (I just found this perspective so thank you!)

 

You know what though, I heard a great quote tonight while watching something on youtube....

 

You know what's great about the past? It's gone. Those messages you have in your hand, they are ghosts now. Yes, they may have been pleasant, but somewhere along the way the woman you knew, she's gone.

You know whats great about the future? Is that you can do ANYTHING you want with it. Including making these memories with someone new and all the excitement that comes from it.

 

Start there my friend.

[TunaCat]

I had taken screenshots of some of the sweetest things he'd ever said to me, and I found them last week still on my phone, and I broke down.

 

It was one of the most brutal afternoons of my life.

[SycamoreCircle]

Have you read through other people's stories on LS? I guarantee if and when you do, you'll start to realize that this has nothing to do with you. People do shi++y stuff to people that care about them.

 

Does my partner's neglect or depression sanction lying and deception? If she was truly in a healthy and whole frame of mind and reacting to your overwhelming and unflagging shortcomings, she would have responded as any truly healthy and whole partner(who was at their limit) would have responded.

 

"Maverick, I'm sorry but I can't find the happiness in our relationship anymore. Things aren't working. I feel _____ and ________."

 

She betrayed your intimacy, slept with another man, lied to you, got caught, slept with you again, then left you for good. Of course she is going to try to put the responsibility on you. If he had done ______, I wouldn't have resorted to these measures. People who pull this sort of stuff project all of their behavior onto their partner.

 

I speak from firsthand experience.

 

It irks the hell out of me that every time I read about a young woman cheating on her loving boyfriend, leaving him for another man, the dumpee goes on a jag about working out and improving himself! If lifting weights makes you feel better, do it. If you're just doing it because you feel unworthy of a cheating, lying, manipulating little girl whose brain isn't fully matured yet, get a clue.

 

I've spent a year arriving at clarity about what happened to me. I know everything you're feeling. I still feel anger and insecurity and sadness about what happened. But I will never go back to the sort of self-flagellation that you're brandishing.

[elaine567]

But I will never go back to the sort of self-flagellation that you're brandishing.

 

No, but at least on reading the messages, he can see the reality of his relationship. He can see where he went wrong and where he can take steps to stop it happening to him again..

Too many it seems to me, blame the ex, they say I was SOOO good to them, I did this, I did that, and they were just a horrible person. And yes, there are horrible people out there, but many take no responsibility for their part in the break up. The OP has today read where and when he was in the wrong, and kudos to him for seeing that.

 

SycamoreCircle, I do think you make a good point about fidelity and young minds.

When people are young they are there to experience life and they are there to find a partner that suits them and have some fun trying, they are not there to stick rigidly to the confines of serious relationships, and that is where many go wrong.

They assume some 18-25 year old young girl is going to take her relationships deadly seriously.

 

If some woman looking for a husband/LTR came on here and was asking about how faithful and committed her 18-25 year old male lover would be, many men here would laugh at her and tell her not to be so stupid, of course he was unlikely to be faithful and committed to her; he had yet to sow his wild oats.

 

Yet we have the expectations from many men (men, who are ready to commit to someone) that their 18-25 year old lover is going to be very serious about them; she is going to put up with anything; never dump them, never cheat, and stay by their side for ever...

 

When she doesn't live up to expectations, she is flighty, mad, crazy or has a personality disorder, has GIGS, or in some cases is called a "whore", when all she may be, is just young and looking to experience life and sow her own wild oats.

[SycamoreCircle]

Elaine, I'm speaking from a point of view that is specific to the OP's problem.

 

No doubt something I've said in my post has raised a warning flag to you. Most likely my laser focus on young women. But young women enjoy a certain set of conditions that make for a disastrous combination. Young and pretty, vain, inexperienced, unfazed, sexually witless, keen to new opportunities, susceptible to influence and illusion, eager to exercise wiles, able to allure a wide range of men, young to old, poor to moneyed. To borrow a line from Kerouac, "Pretty girls make graves." Put all that in a shaker, add the mirage which is advertising culture, a dash of moral ineptitude natural to youth and living in a democracy and any other variables I'm failing to think of and you've got a dangerous concoction especially prone to the narcissism which accompanies cheating.

Edited April 18, 2015 by SycamoreCircle

[Ruby65]

No, but at least on reading the messages, he can see the reality of his relationship. He can see where he went wrong and where he can take steps to stop it happening to him again..

Too many it seems to me, blame the ex, they say I was SOOO good to them, I did this, I did that, and they were just a horrible person. And yes, there are horrible people out there, but many take no responsibility for their part in the break up. The OP has today read where and when he was in the wrong, and kudos to him for seeing that.

 

SycamoreCircle, I do think you make a good point about fidelity and young minds.

When people are young they are there to experience life and they are there to find a partner that suits them and have some fun trying, they are not there to stick rigidly to the confines of serious relationships, and that is where many go wrong.

They assume some 18-25 year old young girl is going to take her relationships deadly seriously.

 

If some woman looking for a husband/LTR came on here and was asking about how faithful and committed her 18-25 year old male lover would be, many men here would laugh at her and tell her not to be so stupid, of course he was unlikely to be faithful and committed to her; he had yet to sow his wild oats.

 

Yet we have the expectations from many men (men, who are ready to commit to someone) that their 18-25 year old lover is going to be very serious about them; she is going to put up with anything; never dump them, never cheat, and stay by their side for ever...

 

When she doesn't live up to expectations, she is flighty, mad, crazy or has a personality disorder, has GIGS, or in some cases is called a "whore", when all she may be, is just young and looking to experience life and sow her own wild oats.

 

I couldn't agree more with the entire post above!

 

I remember how horrible I was to my poor boyfriends at that age.... and I remember how horrible so many of them were to me as well. It's true the late teens/early 20's are usually a time for sowing wild oats. As much as we might really love our partner at that time in life, how much long-term fidelity can you realistically expect?

 

I do think, though, there's also a tendency to keep exes on pedestals and see them through rose-colored glasses after a breakup... to stay in denial by accepting all the blame yourself... even when the dumper has lied and cheated on you. I think this is what's going on with OP.

 

I also agree with SycamoreCircle -- the OP would do well to remember that his ex didn't have to lie and cheat as a way of handling whatever problems were there in the relationship. She could've chosen to communicate and work things out.... or she could've chosen to end things in a respectful way, not cheat with someone else and sneak around behind his back or lead him on to believe they were reconciling when she had no intention of doing so.

 

The ex in question here isn't a monster or an evil person. She's just a young girl who acted in a selfish and cruel way to the OP. She deliberately lied to him and lead him on.... she did this to make things easier for herself and with no regard for his feelings.

 

For the OP to take on the blame for her lying and cheating..... accomplishes almost as little as for him to waste a day reading through her old Facebook messages.

[Ruby65]

Elaine, I'm speaking from a point of view that is specific to the OP's problem.

 

No doubt something I've said in my post has raised a warning flag to you. Most likely my laser focus on young women. But young women enjoy a certain set of conditions that make for a disastrous combination. Young and pretty, vain, inexperienced, unfazed, sexually witless, keen to new opportunities, susceptible to influence and illusion, eager to exercise wiles, able to allure a wide range of men, young to old, poor to moneyed. To borrow a line from Kerouac, "Pretty girls make graves." Put all that in a shaker, add the mirage which is advertising culture, a dash of moral ineptitude natural to youth and living in a democracy and any other variables I'm failing to think of and you've got a dangerous concoction especially prone to the narcissism which accompanies cheating.

 

I really hope you're not implying young girls are more prone to cheating than guys of the same age!

[elaine567]

Elaine, I'm speaking from a point of view that is specific to the OP's problem.

 

No doubt something I've said in my post has raised a warning flag to you. Most likely my laser focus on young women. But young women enjoy a certain set of conditions that make for a disastrous combination. Young and pretty, vain, inexperienced, unfazed, sexually witless, keen to new opportunities, susceptible to influence and illusion, eager to exercise wiles, able to allure a wide range of men, young to old, poor to moneyed. To borrow a line from Kerouac, "Pretty girls make graves." Put all that in a shaker, add the mirage which is advertising culture, a dash of moral ineptitude natural to youth and living in a democracy and any other variables I'm failing to think of and you've got a special and dangerous concoction.

 

I am not disagreeing with you re some young woman and many of those traits and circumstances you outlined could equally well be applied to some young men too.

"Young and handsome, vain, inexperienced, unfazed, sexually witless, keen to new opportunities, susceptible to influence and illusion, eager to exercise wiles, etc...

 

However, the fault I see here, is in those who wish to harness those same "powder-keg" young people into "serious" relationships to which they are clearly unsuited.

[SycamoreCircle]

I am not disagreeing with you re some young woman and many of those traits and circumstances you outlined could equally well be applied to some young men too.

"Young and handsome, vain, inexperienced, unfazed, sexually witless, keen to new opportunities, susceptible to influence and illusion, eager to exercise wiles, etc...

 

However, the fault I see here, is in those who wish to harness those same "powder-keg" young people into "serious" relationships to which they are clearly unsuited.

Yes, I agree with you. And I am one of those people. I accept full responsibility for that. But I'm 38 and I should have known better. It's unfortunate, though, that someone as young as the OP has to bear such a cross.

[OneBigIdgit]

I wouldn't stress too much about the difference in number of texts and messages over the course of a relationship. I think its natural for the number to dwindle and the content to change as the relationship matures and you know each other better.

 

 

In the early months, you are chasing the person, trying to impress, trying to make them like you, flirting and making them laugh. After you settle into a solid relationship, much of that extra time you took to type out a message and something cute and funny you now put into work or a hobby. Its a natural shift in the workings of a relationship that perhaps 1 1/2 years after the initial dates you are now only texting a few times a day. The drop off in numbers only starts to play a part when the dumper first starts looking for a reason to leave. It doesn't hit a dumpee until after the dumper is gone and the dumpee starts trying to pinpoint what happened.

 

 

Im not a big hands on contact person during the day. I can be the best there is when I'm first chasing a person for a relationship. I can make them laugh, and will work hard to keep it interesting. 5 months later I can be happily in a great relationship and only text one time today and maybe none tomorrow. That doesn't mean that I'm bored with that person or that I don't love them. I'm just not much of a phone guy unless I have to.

 

 

The change in numbers and content of texts was thrown in with the other reasons for my breakup. This new instant contact age is detrimental to many relationships because I think its sad that a person will look at a phone and decide that their partner doesn't love them dependent on how many quality messages they received that day.

 

 

I went back over every text I still had on my phone to try and see when her change in attitude towards me and the relationship happened. Over the course of late November and through December she was still calling me pet names and saying stuff like she was addicted to me, couldn't sleep without me, was putty in my hands stuff. Then in early Jan, the pet names disappeared and it was easy to see the difference in her attitude to me. She broke up on Jan 14, moved in with a new guy 300 miles away 10 days later, engaged in 20 days and married in 2 1/2 months.

 

 

Do I blame myself??? yeah, a little. I was really good for her in many ways but I have since found out that she had deep issues that I wasn't aware of and she felt she needed to be married NOW!!!.

 

 

Don't blame yourself beyond the part of knowing you needed your meds and you stopped taking them. Don't let this error in judgement happen in your next relationship. Even if you hook up with her again, it's a new relationship. Learn from this and be vigilant to not make the mistake again

[elaine567]

Yes, I agree with you. And I am one of those people. I accept full responsibility for that. But I'm 38 and I should have known better. It's unfortunate, though, that someone as young as the OP has to bear such a cross.

 

OK, but at 19, she was highly unlikely to stick around for ever, was she? She didn't need to cheat, true, but impulsiveness, selfishness, and the "I want it, I get now" attitude, is also a feature of youth and immaturity.