Sweet Beginnings with a Bitter End - My story (Why NC must be followed) Updated

[ravfour4]

I did the same thing a few days ago, thankfully we barely chatted on their and most were dumb arguments....def were some cute love filled messages though, but they weren't as amazing as I thought they'd be. In cleaning my place I also found some letters we had written each other, those brought back much more fond memories than the fb messages.

[ManyDissapoint]

I spent about 10 minutes going through my ex's journal from the first year or so of our relationship. She confided a lot of things there that she never told me about with regard to her perception of me and the relationship.

 

One thing that stuck out to me was that she was so nervous that I would think of her as a little girl due to the age difference. I was about 30 and she was almost 23.

 

Indeed I was deathly afraid of getting into a relationship with such a young person. I was subconsciously aware of how much damage a capricious heart can do to a stable one.

 

While she was here with me in this country, she did her best to be mature. She thought that what I was worried about was that she would be outwardly mature and put together. So she made extra effort to act older than her age in many ways. Unfortunately what she failed to realize was that what was important to me was emotional maturity, not social maturity.

 

I do take a lot of the blame for how I handled things in the relationship, but I did not deserve her treatment of me and her lies. Even when I was young I would not have behaved in such a way. I don't think that a certain basic integrity is only achieved through age.

[ZiggyZoo]

I don't mean this in a "you should've known better" finger wagging way, but I am so glad I just deleted all my FB messages and texts at the beginning. My ex went completely radio silent on me for the month prior to dumping me. Halfway through was my birthday, and when I didn't get so much as a text, I gave myself a birthday present and deleted everything. I also unfriended him, but didn't block him yet. One of the few times where my temper has actually done me some good, I tell ya.

 

But reading such heartbreaking things like this, I'm glad that I didn't have to do it all a month or so into NC. That's tough.

[SycamoreCircle]

Indeed I was deathly afraid of getting into a relationship with such a young person. I was subconsciously aware of how much damage a capricious heart can do to a stable one.

 

While she was here with me in this country, she did her best to be mature. She thought that what I was worried about was that she would be outwardly mature and put together. So she made extra effort to act older than her age in many ways. Unfortunately what she failed to realize was that what was important to me was emotional maturity, not social maturity.

 

I do take a lot of the blame for how I handled things in the relationship, but I did not deserve her treatment of me and her lies. Even when I was young I would not have behaved in such a way. I don't think that a certain basic integrity is only achieved through age.

Some real kernels of wisdom here. Very well expressed. Yes, emotional maturity over social maturity. Anyone can affect responsibility and integration. But when your back is against the wall, that's when the truth comes out.

[Esraem]

I have done the same dumb thing but found old emails from 11 years ago. It is hard to see them and read them and see how much has changed or even from the day before the bombshell is dropped.

[Maverick27]

Many of you have been following my story thus far and have given me some great advice. All of which i have ignored because I'm an idiot and my emotions completely took over my rationality.

 

Take comfort in the fact that there is no more advice i can be given, it's well and truly over and all i can do now is try to move on.

 

SO...

 

After not contacting her for two weeks (following a brutal message i sent her saying i never wanted to see her again) i sent her a message asking to meet up because i wanted to apologise for making the whole process harder for both of us.

 

So we met up. I deeply analysed the last few months of our relationship with her. I accepted that my mental health issues pushed her away to the point where i was barely speaking to her or touching her in the last few months we were together. This deeply, deeply affected her and she is still having a very hard time getting over it.

I told her that i got very depressed and shut myself off from the World, that it wasnt her fault and that i didnt blame her for finding love somewhere else. I honestly dont anymore. I told her that she was my first REAL love and that i thought we were going to get married. I talked about all the things i wished we could have done now that im better, mentally. (almost better). She cried alot during this conversation. She also talked about how the whole breakup had just hit her and that everything reminds her of me and that she misses waking up next to me.

 

I talked about how i've been back on medication for 6 weeks now and am feeling great. I told her all the positive changes ive made to me my life and that i am back to the person she fell in love with. We talked about that for a while then went out to lunch and just sat and talked for hours about different things. It was really great and she was enjoying herself too.

 

We went back to my house, we continued to talk about the demise of the relationship and how selfish and distant i became. I told her that the whole cheating thing had traumatized me. I told her that it traumatised me because i knew i pushed her away to point where she felt so alone. I honestly, honestly dont blame her for cheating and leaving. That's how bad i got during the end.

 

Anyways, i told her that we shouldnt talk again because i still had strong feelings for her. We hugged, i told her that she was my everything and we both cried.

 

After she left i was in the best mood i had been in two months. It felt good to know that she was in pain and missed me. Up until this point i thought she had moved on right after we broke up.

 

AND THEN....

 

The next morning i wake up to a long facebook message. Saying how it was nice to catch up, but she is sick and tired of hearing me go on and on about all the things i did wrong and all the things i could have done. She said that it makes her sad that she lost the man she fell in love with to depression and now he's back again. She said that it will take her a very long time to heal from the isolation she felt in the last few months of our time together. She told me she doesnt want anything to do with me again, ever, and to not contact her again.

 

I replied saying that i dont want her out of my life and im still inlove with her....

 

That launched us into a 4 hour facebook chat battle fight over all the problems we had in our relationship. I told her that she never even spoke to me about it and i never got a chance to try and make things right. I told her that i have been fighting for her for the past two months and that she is my everything. She kept telling me that she cant get back with, she cant risk getting hurt again. I kept bargaining, i told her she was my soulmate and pushing her away was the biggest mistake of my life. i called her a coward for jumping ship as soon as things got hard. I told her that if she closes the door now, i'll never be there again.

 

She closed the door.

 

She said she was sorry, and that she'll miss me, that she'll always cherish the time we had together and nothing can cheapen it...

 

SO.

 

I cant really understand how im feeling now. I feel RELIEVED that i finally just put all my cards on the table. I feel there is a weight off my shoulders now that i have completely destroyed all hope. But now im truly starting to grieve the fact that there is nothing in this world i can do to fix it. It's done.

 

I deeply apologise to those who put so much time into giving me advice and telling me NOT to do what i did, but i had to. It was the only way to give up hope.

 

Now she hates me. It was selfish of me to attempt it again. I just wanted her back. I dont care that she cheated, it was barely a relationship in the end anyway. I think i've traumatized her too... all the going back and forth

 

How do you get over the guilt of pushing away someone who was so good to you (in the beginning)?

[NC-Thomas]

How do you get over the guilt of pushing away someone who was so good to you (in the beginning)?

 

1. Write down a list of the things that's weren't good in the relationship. This will help you put things in perspective and lessen the (perhaps misplaced) guilt.

 

2. Realize that relationships are created and maintained by two parties. Each party holds a share of responsibility. Realize this and stop taking responsibility for everything that has happened.

 

3. The guilt you feel is partially caused because you feel she is "such a great person", maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Truth is, nobody is perfect. Once you realize this, the guilt will get less. This point is similar to #2, but more pointed towards getting her of the pedestal you put her on.

 

Be safe.

[seminoles84]

Oh geez. Gotta get her and the relationship off the pedestal man. It's tough, I know.

[diamondgirl]

i can sympathize with you. although our conversations never got quite as dramatic, i was guilty of nc and discussing the relationship with my ex far too many times. we broke up end of september - met up middle of october to talk, then met up again end of october, then again mid december, and finally again mid march. all those times we discussed the relationship. i was so embarrassed i couldn't take anyones advice that i didnt even tell anyone i saw my ex for the last time (a month ago). it really is beating a dead horse though. im lucky my ex is the least dramatic guy in the world and is capable of having mature and honest conversations because my emotions were all over the place. something clicked since the last time i saw him though - i think i had been building him up in my head as the most amazing person in the world for so long that when i finally saw him i wasnt all that impressed to be honest.

 

every time my ex and i have had one of these conversations it puts me back at square one, but i needed to do it enough times to realize this myself. whats helped me move on is to make a list of things i don't love about him and refer to it often. also this sounds so silly but im deathly allergic to shellfish and sometimes when i feel really tempted to text him i just imagine his head as a huge lobster and it totally makes me laugh and not want to reach out. because thats how i feel whenever we talk now - physically sick.

 

you also need to stop blaming yourself. your ex didnt "lose" you to depression - she walked away from you while you were depressed. the right girl wont do that. she cheated - take her off the pedestal. you both made mistakes that caused the relationship to end.

 

plus ill be honest - theres no way you can be a changed man in two months with so much heartache still. its just not possible. these changes take months and years. i was still so heartbroken until the 4-5 month mark so I've only in the last 2-3 months began to feel like my happy go-lucky self again and improve. these things take time. you need to stop talking to her. i wish i wouldve cut it off from day one. i feel so much better now not speaking to my ex. ignorance really is bliss.

 

i can understand youre in a lot of pain right now but just take everything you ex said literally - she does not want you in her life anymore. i honestly wish my ex had said that because whenever we talk he tells me he wants our break up open ended so we can potentially reconcile in the future and that he wants me to reach out whenever to discuss the relationship or anything else. in my opinion, thats more cruel. take what she said and use it as a push to go forward. you can and will get through this. i thought i would never be able to smile again but im actually really happy with my life 7 months out and gradually over time I've noticed i think about my ex less and less. he still crosses my mind daily but nowhere near the amount he used to and it doesnt prevent me from focusing on me and living my life.

[na49]

The first thing you have to do is forgive yourself dude. Okay, you made a stupid decision. You aren't stupid though. Everyone here will give you advice, but what you do with the advice is up to you. They aren't living your life for you. As bad as this whole experience may have been, it doesn't have to send you into a deeper depression. Nothing anyone says will get rid of the initial pain you'll probably feel for a few days/weeks. but you should think back to these interactions with her whenever you find yourself pining for her too much. She said it herself. She doesn't want you in her life anymore.

 

Also, your ex wasn't flawless, and I doubt she never hurt you. You let her off the hook by taking all of the blame. If she cheated, then she is wrong. Don't justify her bad behavior. I'm not telling you to think about the bad times, but please recognize that your relationship with her was not perfect.

[wizer]

That was painful to read.

[Maverick27]

I know - the relationship wasnt perfect. And all the talking and analysing has made it hard for me to remember the good times now.

 

I feel so horrible for messing with her head though. I've been going back and forth on the rollercoaster, contradicting myself every step of the way.

 

I feel like i should not have told her im still inlove with her and want her back.

 

This whole thing is just so goddamn messy.

 

I just feel like an absolute *******, but i physically cannot apologise anymore, because each time i do im just hurting her more because it's too late. I wasnt the person she needed me to be at the time and nothing i can do can take that pain away from her. Every time i've contacted her since has been for me, all for me, im selfish. I completely resolved her of all the guilt of the cheating, but i think that it made it worse for her.

 

Im so goddamn messed up in the head, and i feel i've traumatised her.

[wizer]

I feel like i should not have told her im still inlove with her and want her back.

 

Probably didn't change the outcome although you're kicking yourself for being so weak.

 

So learn from it.

 

Move on and focus on things other than her.

[SLee]

I relate to so much of what you said. I'm often angry at my ex for jumping ship when things got hard, which is what he did.

 

I've been overwhelmed with guilt from the mistakes that I made that hurt him. But like NC-Thomas said, making a list of the things you didn't like about her or the relationship does help when I get in dark places.

 

Above all, forgiving yourself is the most important thing.

[dvx]

That horse was already dead. What you did was take the dead horse, slaughter it and give it away to hungry crocodiles.

[ravfour4]

I've done similar things and may be getting to a similar point with my ex. That sucks that she was so nice and responsive in person only to be mean to you on facebook chat, that thing is the devil.

[Maverick27]

I'm so riddled with guilt. I even finished the whole thing off with a rather self-centered text message.

 

I hate myself.

 

Does anyone ever feel like they have actually gone mad? I feel like im a crazy person. This whole experience has been so dehumanising.

 

I feel like she thinks im a crazy person.

 

I feel like if i tried to contact her again she would call the police. I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER going to break No Contact again.

 

The the DUMPER have a better persepctive of whats happening than the Dumpee?

 

I hope she realises im just emotionally distraught and am not thinking rationally.

[you must let it go]

I'm so riddled with guilt. I even finished the whole thing off with a rather self-centered text message.

 

I hate myself.

 

Does anyone ever feel like they have actually gone mad? I feel like im a crazy person. This whole experience has been so dehumanising.

 

I feel like she thinks im a crazy person.

 

I feel like if i tried to contact her again she would call the police. I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER going to break No Contact again.

 

The the DUMPER have a better persepctive of whats happening than the Dumpee?

 

I hope she realises im just emotionally distraught and am not thinking rationally.

 

Iv thought I'v gone mad it's a normal emotional response you aint going crazy dont panic. The dumper did the dumping they dont feel the pain the same as the dumpee.

 

stick with NC brother! this will pass! trust me youll look back in a year or so and think WTF

[darkbloom]

No contact is a self imposed prison sentence you must follow if you want to be let out of heartbreak hell.

 

Everyone wants to pass go and collect their $200 by contacting their ex.

 

Back to start.

[Maverick27]

Dont you worry - i'll be sticking to no contact, for good.

 

I have completely lost all my dignity and self respect. I begged,bargained via text message TWO months after she cheated on me and got in another relationship. She was giving me mixed signals when we met up the prior day, saying that everything reminded her of me, she misses me etc, and i thought 'Why not?'.

 

I dont really regret it. Yes, i got rejected, again, but at least now im not going to be wondering 'What if?'. I think i did that because i was in the 'i'll never meet another person again' stage. Still am in that stage actually...

 

I purchased a calendar yesterday, so i can put a big red cross on each day i dont contact her!! i think it will help to visualise it!

 

Do DUMPERS compare their new relationship with their old relationship? I feel like she will be comparing the post-breakup version of me with the honeymoon new guy.Which is a crappy feeling...

[darkbloom]

I get urges to break NC on the regular.

 

I then remind myself that hearts belong in your chest.

[you must let it go]

Dont you worry - i'll be sticking to no contact, for good.

 

I have completely lost all my dignity and self respect. I begged,bargained via text message TWO months after she cheated on me and got in another relationship. She was giving me mixed signals when we met up the prior day, saying that everything reminded her of me, she misses me etc, and i thought 'Why not?'.

 

I dont really regret it. Yes, i got rejected, again, but at least now im not going to be wondering 'What if?'. I think i did that because i was in the 'i'll never meet another person again' stage. Still am in that stage actually...

 

I purchased a calendar yesterday, so i can put a big red cross on each day i dont contact her!! i think it will help to visualise it!

 

Do DUMPERS compare their new relationship with their old relationship?

I feel like she will be comparing the post-breakup version of me with the honeymoon new guy.Which is a crappy feeling...

Who gives a f%^& what she thinks? think of her head as a ball and kick it! to answer your Q? no they dont they have moved on like you will too:)

[Maverick27]

Haha, that is a nice thought....

 

It's really hard loving someone who betrayed you so bad. I definitely took her for granted...but everything has a reason. She must have bored me to some degree if i didnt give her 'the attention and love she deserved'.

 

I think the 'rose coloured classes' are started to slowly fade now that i've got no more cards to play. I spent so much time concentrating my thoughts on how i could get her back and analyse how things went wrong that i never really took a moment to reflect on WHY i didnt give her the attention she 'deserved'.

 

She has no depth and was naive. Plain and simple. Maybe thats why i got distant.

 

Still, i miss having someone cute to cuddle in bed.

[Ruby65]

Still, i miss having someone cute to cuddle in bed.

 

Get a cat.

[Diezel]

You need to stop thinking about her and how she feels and start working on YOU.

 

You told her that you made positive changes, now prove that to yourself and live it.