Sweet Beginnings with a Bitter End - My story (Why NC must be followed) Updated

[Maverick27]

I know Im just letting her have her cake and eat it too.

 

But the cake will run out one day.

 

Yes, i am one of those people that cant turn away someone in pain - Even though she has caused me the worst pain of my life.

 

It might set me back a little bit, but i think i would have been set back more if i just didnt answer or told her to **** off.

 

Oneday i'll find someone that appreciates my character, which she obviously didnt. But im not going to compromise who I am for the sake of 'justice'.

 

She can think I'm a doormat - But when her relationship ends in a couple of months, I'm NOT going to be here to catch her.

[Loveless86]

Hello again everyone,

 

To those of you who have been following my story so far and told me not to contact her...I'm sorry - but i had to pick up the phone, incase there was something wrong...

 

I answered, she starts crying. She had lost her handbag and was very stressed out about her life at the moment, with Uni, work etc. I consoled her. She then started crying harder saying 'long distance relationships are so hard' - referring to the the guy she left me for.

 

I didnt really know what to do - i thought it was a little inappropriate to be calling ME upset that she is struggling with the distance with the new guy.

 

BUT, being the ridiculously nice person i am, i consoled her and made her feel better. A very large part of me wanted to tell her how 'long distance rebounds are doomed - you should never have gone into it in the first place', but i didnt.

I took the high road. I calmed her down and made her feel better.

 

We then talked for an hour or so, just about our lives in general. She said she still misses my company, and i said the same to her.

 

I said to her in the end ' I know this breakup has been hard on both of us, but i cant help you with these problems anymore. It's not that i dont want to, because i care about you, but this isnt my place anymore. If you are ever in a really bad position and you've got no one else to call, then call me, but other that, i need time to get over this before speaking to again'.

 

She understood.

 

I would have done the same, my recent ex is also in a long distance rebound I've heard nothing from her yet tho

 

How long were you 2 separated?

 

I think you handled it brilliantly I only hope I have your strength if my ex contacts me, I'd probably end you begging and making a fool of myself

[ManyDissapoint]

I know Im just letting her have her cake and eat it too.

 

But the cake will run out one day.

 

Yes, i am one of those people that cant turn away someone in pain - Even though she has caused me the worst pain of my life.

 

It might set me back a little bit, but i think i would have been set back more if i just didnt answer or told her to **** off.

 

Oneday i'll find someone that appreciates my character, which she obviously didnt. But im not going to compromise who I am for the sake of 'justice'.

 

She can think I'm a doormat - But when her relationship ends in a couple of months, I'm NOT going to be here to catch her.

 

Yes she tied you to her tow-hitch and dragged you through gravel. At some point she hit a pot hole and is now suffering from neck pain. She stopped the car and asked you to see how bad she's feeling.

[Diezel]

She can think I'm a doormat - But when her relationship ends in a couple of months, I'm NOT going to be here to catch her.

 

Oh yes, you will.

 

To those of you who have been following my story so far and told me not to contact her...I'm sorry - but i had to pick up the phone, incase there was something wrong...

 

NC is NC. Which seems to be consistently broken for you. Stop sabotaging your own recovery.

[Maverick27]

Obviously not answering the call would have been the best option - but i didnt - and have since told her to not contact me again.

 

If i had just told her to **** off after answering the call, she would have known how cut up i am about the whole thing?

 

If i was in her shoes, i would have seen anger as weakness.

 

Instead, i consoled her with a tone of pity for 20 minutes, then spent the next 45 minutes talking about all the new and exciting changes i've made since the breakup.

 

Yeah, i told her i miss her. But then i ended the call, not her.

 

So the next time she wants to emotionally cheat on her new BF, she's going to have to have a hard think about her decisions.

[PegNosePete]

have since told her to not contact me again.

Yeah, I'm sure that'll work in some universe. Unfortunately this is planet Earth.

 

she would have known how cut up i am about the whole thing?

If i was in her shoes, i would have seen anger as weakness.

So the next time she wants to emotionally cheat on her new BF, she's going to have to have a hard think about her decisions.

Why are you so concerned about what she thinks, rather than yourself?

 

She is not going to "have to" do anything. She has all the advantages here. She cheated, dumped you, and still gets to use you as an emotional tampon. Win-win-win for her. She is going to do exactly the same thing next time, because you've shown her that it works, and she can get everything she wants like that. Nice job.

[Maverick27]

She wont get anything more from me. I'll show you all! I'll do it just to prove you wrong!

 

Heres the deal: She is 19, i am 24. She's relitively new to melbourne and basically stopped hanging out with friends because we spent so much time together. She basically doesnt speak to her family, at all. So, she has no one here.

 

YES - i know what your all going to say - "thats not your problem"

 

and your right, it isnt - she chose someone else to bare this burden. But i answered and she was crying - so i gave her her old shoulder to cry on.

 

To be honest - hearing her crying and sulking about her problems lessened my attraction to her. I built her up in my mind to be so strong and cut throat about this whole thing, but she is just a insecure mess.

 

It wont be happening again. I know i will be tempted to answer, but i know there is nothing there for me. and she needs to learn to take care of herself. Im sooooooo sick of all this ****. The pain of the breakup is slowly turning numb. which is nice

[diamondgirl]

block her number so you wont even know when she calls.

 

this reflects more poorly on her as a person than you i think personally. its incredibly selfish. although youre allowing her...my ex boyfriend has at least shown me the respect to not contact me and confuse me. plus he knows if he did i wouldnt answer or would be very short with him so theres really no point. youre being an emotional crutch for her. don't do it. girls like guys who appear strong and you showed her youre her doormat.

[crimsontactics]

Hello again everyone,

 

To those of you who have been following my story so far and told me not to contact her...I'm sorry - but i had to pick up the phone, incase there was something wrong...

 

I answered, she starts crying. She had lost her handbag and was very stressed out about her life at the moment, with Uni, work etc. I consoled her. She then started crying harder saying 'long distance relationships are so hard' - referring to the the guy she left me for.

 

I didnt really know what to do - i thought it was a little inappropriate to be calling ME upset that she is struggling with the distance with the new guy.

 

BUT, being the ridiculously nice person i am, i consoled her and made her feel better. A very large part of me wanted to tell her how 'long distance rebounds are doomed - you should never have gone into it in the first place', but i didnt.

I took the high road. I calmed her down and made her feel better.

 

We then talked for an hour or so, just about our lives in general. She said she still misses my company, and i said the same to her.

 

I said to her in the end ' I know this breakup has been hard on both of us, but i cant help you with these problems anymore. It's not that i dont want to, because i care about you, but this isnt my place anymore. If you are ever in a really bad position and you've got no one else to call, then call me, but other that, i need time to get over this before speaking to again'.

 

She understood.

 

You did what most people will do. So don't blame yourself.

 

But ask yourself honestly, was it the right thing to do? You're not her BF anymore!

 

Honestly, this is just a more "polite" form of breadcrumbs. I've been there and experienced that before.

 

Go NC. She is a big girl, she can take care of herself.

 

Now, take care of yourself first! You can't save others if you're drowning in pain yourself!

[NoLeafClover]

That's pretty fed up... To call cuz she's stressed and upset with the guy she left you for....

Where did you find this girl geeez ..you are better and you handled yourself well but now you have to block her.

this woman has no backbone and dignity...and doesn't give a sh** about you.

[na49]

She misses your company, meaning she doesn't want to be with you, but wants to keep you in her life as a friend (and possibly a backup plan while she looks for another guy). It's not a crime to break NC, and no one on LS will attack you for it lol. They just make suggestions based on what they think is best for you.

 

It doesn't seem like it sent you back to square one. You told her where you stand at the end of it all, and I hope that the next time she calls you don't answer right away. You are way to available to her right now. You don't want to become her gay best friend who holds her purse at the mall, and helps her pick out cute outfits.

[towch]

Hello again everyone,

 

To those of you who have been following my story so far and told me not to contact her...I'm sorry - but i had to pick up the phone, incase there was something wrong...

 

I answered, she starts crying. She had lost her handbag and was very stressed out about her life at the moment, with Uni, work etc. I consoled her. She then started crying harder saying 'long distance relationships are so hard' - referring to the the guy she left me for.

 

I didnt really know what to do - i thought it was a little inappropriate to be calling ME upset that she is struggling with the distance with the new guy.

 

BUT, being the ridiculously nice person i am, i consoled her and made her feel better. A very large part of me wanted to tell her how 'long distance rebounds are doomed - you should never have gone into it in the first place', but i didnt.

I took the high road. I calmed her down and made her feel better.

 

We then talked for an hour or so, just about our lives in general. She said she still misses my company, and i said the same to her.

 

I said to her in the end ' I know this breakup has been hard on both of us, but i cant help you with these problems anymore. It's not that i dont want to, because i care about you, but this isnt my place anymore. If you are ever in a really bad position and you've got no one else to call, then call me, but other that, i need time to get over this before speaking to again'.

 

She understood.

 

oh god man, take it from me she is just recharging her batteries. I was strong for a day or 2 but just like you i am too nice and answer. I got the whole "im sorry for being selfish" "i miss you" even "i love you". then it last for a day or two then she goes back to the same old fire breathing dragon. My ex that cheated for 8 months even had the audacity to get mad at me because she i told her i would be seeing other people. Is serious???. Its all emotions man, they will seeks emotional comfort until they find a permanent source for it. I am just happy i spoilt my Ex with love, care and extreme trust. She will be hard pressed to find someone like that that made her comfortable every single second whether its when her pad fell off or seeing her dried bloody pants or kissing her when she had tonsillitis or kissing her eczema.

 

I now know that i was an awesome boyfriend, i may not have done everything; i do have regrets but a fine boyfriend i was. I was not my fault.

 

 

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, STAY STRONG!!!

[BC1980]

I know Im just letting her have her cake and eat it too.

 

But the cake will run out one day.

 

Yes, i am one of those people that cant turn away someone in pain - Even though she has caused me the worst pain of my life.

 

It might set me back a little bit, but i think i would have been set back more if i just didnt answer or told her to **** off.

 

Oneday i'll find someone that appreciates my character, which she obviously didnt. But im not going to compromise who I am for the sake of 'justice'.

 

She can think I'm a doormat - But when her relationship ends in a couple of months, I'm NOT going to be here to catch her.

 

It's okay to turn someone away in pain if that person has caused you pain. Really, it's okay. Took me a long time to realize that myself, but it's about having boundaries. No one is saying to stop caring about her or to stop being a nice person, but you can't be overly concerned for a person who has little regard for you. People like that you have to cut off unless you want a lifetime of misery. And let's be honest. You had an ulterior motive of getting her back. Maybe just a little. So this isn't a completely altrustic act of kindness

[fireflywy]

Don't beat yourself up or let anyone here make you feel too bad. You did what, as stated above, a lot of people have done. Why? Because for most of the time prior to our emotional rift we were in a routine of attempting to love and support our significant others. Just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean we can automatically turn off our responses to someone in a particular situation because we have been somewhat conditioned or anchored to do so. Being able to do so often requires a great amount of will and focus that is developed over time.

 

You just have to cultivate this will by reminding yourself how she treated you. It is easier said then done.

 

With that said, she is an adult and as such is perfectly capable of finding other coping mechanisms then you and you don't deserve this treatment.

 

You tripped, but as long as you fall forward, you will learn to not do this in the future. Or, on the other side of the coin, maybe you learn by responding. Only YOU know what will work for YOU.

[Mrlonelyone]

I know it is hard to just turn off the caring when the caring is for real. However, it wasn't your job to provide her with that support now. You should have just hung up.

 

Breadcrumbs yeah.... if it had been that she just lost a parent it would make more sense to be crying over this.

[Diezel]

Obviously not answering the call would have been the best option - but i didnt - and have since told her to not contact me again.

 

So what happens when she calls again?

 

If i had just told her to **** off after answering the call, she would have known how cut up i am about the whole thing?

 

So your solution, is to listen to her complain about the guy she left you for. Yeah, that makes sense.

 

If i was in her shoes, i would have seen anger as weakness.

 

You are NOT in her shoes, stop trying to rationalize. Anger is not a sign of weakness. Just sitting there and putting up with her garbage was a bigger sign of weakness.

 

Instead, i consoled her with a tone of pity for 20 minutes, then spent the next 45 minutes talking about all the new and exciting changes i've made since the breakup.

 

And trust me, she knows why you did all of that.

 

Yeah, i told her i miss her. But then i ended the call, not her.

 

You still picked up the phone.

 

So the next time she wants to emotionally cheat on her new BF, she's going to have to have a hard think about her decisions.

 

No, she won't. She'll call, and you'll pick up again.

[Clarkwg]

I love this thread, the sort of things the op is saying is the sort of things I used to justify my actions with to my mates when they were giving me a hard time about letting my ex continue to emotionally abuse me.

Everybody else could read it like a book, except me of course who used to seacretly like her attention until i realised it was making me 10 x worse & delaying my recovery by putting myself back to square one everytime this happened.

She is now blocked on all forms.

[Latino4Lyfe]

Wow, a lot of what's happening here is similar to the situation I'm going through with my ex as well . Myself and her have been officially broken up for over a year now, and she still messes with me like this. Calls me up, wants to spend time with me and calls me for emotional support and just wants to be friends while she's running off with random men and I'm just here suffering . I know it's hard OP, but like others have stated do not contact her by any means and do your best to not give in to when she tries to contact you. At the end of the day, she made her choice and has to live with it.

[minime13]

Exes are like cigarettes. You know they aren't good for you, but you crave them. People do become addicted to love and affection, and when it's stripped away, there are withdrawals along with that pain. That's partially why you feel the way you do in the first few weeks.

 

Just like giving up a nasty addiction to cigarettes, letting go of an ex and feeling okay about it takes time and effort. When you hit a moment of weakness like this, picking up that phone and talking to your ex is taking you right back to square one - just like smoking a cigarette after a month, or a few weeks. It eliminates that progress you made, and you have to start over.

 

In the next few days, after the feeling you have about this being a good conversation wears off, you're going to start feeling some of that pain that you did when you your ex left you (for another man, I may add). You're going to go through the same motions of getting over that, and it's going to be difficult.

 

So, the next time she selfishly calls you to make herself feel better about her choices in life (which, I know it's hard to think if it this way because you obviously are still hung up on her, but they are her choices and are no longer your obligation) remember how you feel in the next few days, and ask yourself if you really want to go through that again for a woman who doesn't really seem to care for you anymore?

 

And this phone call, like it or not, shows she doesn't care for you anymore. What kind of person would call the guy she dumped and complain about the relationship she dumped him for? That's so selfish and disrespectful.

 

Don't beat yourself up for this setback. You're human. It happens. But, if you really want to get over this and move on, don't pick up the phone next time. She will call again, but just remember you asked her not to, and she's not respecting your wishes. You really should have told her no more calling, period, because now anything will be a catastrophe for her.

 

Block the number (unless you're with AT&T, because blocking a call doesn't do anything, really) and move on.

[TunaCat]

I'm sorry, but it was a simple case of breadcrumbs and you fell for it.

 

Hook. Line and Sinker.

 

She called you about her handbag??? I mean come on, why would anyone be that upset over a bag? She was also stressed out, and instead of talking to her friends, family and boyfriend about it, she went back to you. You are familiar to her. You are who she is used to leaning on.

 

When you picked up the phone, you showed her that you're not over her and that she still has you wrapped around her little finger.

 

Go NC, block her number if you have to because I'm almost certain she'll pull this stunt again.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow, a lot of what's happening here is similar to the situation I'm going through with my ex as well . Myself and her have been officially broken up for over a year now, and she still messes with me like this. Calls me up, wants to spend time with me and calls me for emotional support and just wants to be friends while she's running off with random men and I'm just here suffering . I know it's hard OP, but like others have stated do not contact her by any means and do your best to not give in to when she tries to contact you. At the end of the day, she made her choice and has to live with it.

 

Wait, you've answered these calls for a year? SMH.

[erklat]

Welcome to the friendzoneland.

 

In her mind you're now a handkerchief. You wipe your tears with it and

then throw it in the bin.

[Latino4Lyfe]

Wait, you've answered these calls for a year? SMH.

 

Long story which I've posted in my own thread, doing a lot better at everything now than this past year though moving on.

[NoLeafClover]

I read the whole post..

I have been here for a few years, read lots and threats and replayed to many more but I have never ever read anyone say their ex told them pretty much that they cheated on purpose and they weren't high or sober...that's a very bad trick right there. It's just terrible. I can't imagine my ex telling me that. Your ex is a Cheater and a very very heartless one at that..

Edited May 9, 2015 by NoLeafClover

[Maverick27]

Was still feeling really good today, still am!

 

She called me again this afternoon...twice. I didn't answer.

 

Then i receive a picture message with a picture of a meal she cooked - my special recipe. She said that it's still her favourite.

 

I blocked her number straight away and will not unblock it.

 

She's not heartless - she's just clueless and selfish. Though many would say that a combination of the two makes someone heartless...