miculuta Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 My husband cheated on me two years ago and I can't get over it. It was with a co-worker, I found their messages on his cell. He still works with her, they even went on a business trip to Spain; not just the two of them, there were other colleagues ,too. He said he cheated on me because of our marital problems; he didn't feel understood and he'd been unhappy for 13 years. He's now trying to work it out, spending more time with our children, doing chores, he's more involved in family activities.... I just can't get over it. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Well - if you've determined you simply can't get over it then why not divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author miculuta Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 A divorce would traumatize them. Should I stay for the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Both reconciliation and divorce are right answers. Do not stay because of the children, stay because it is what you really want. One of the reasons you may not be able to get over it is because they still work together. First thing we always recommend is that one of them has to leave, they can't work together. How can you get over someone if they see each other everyday? How can he make you feel safe if he sees her every day? It's you or the job. Has he received help, independent counselling for his infidelity? He needs to find the root of his problem, why did he give himself the approval to cheat? If he doesn't get help the chances are very high that he will do it again. Do not compromise yourself, he is not the prize, you are. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Dear , sorry to hear what you are going through ; before the cheating , how was your life together ? -did you respect each other ? u said he was unhappy , can u please elaborate more ? what about u ? will you be happy if you start a journey again ? dont stay for the kids , but would you be happy if away from them ? love is not unconditional , it is a garden that needs care ; not defending him , but please elaborate more on your state before the cheating .... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 sometimes these "situations" are just a deal breaker for some. you are two years out, and still you feel this way. it may be time to call it quits. that being said, how did you two proceed after you found out... was there exposure; was there a NC letter; any counseling? if this woman was married/attached was her SO informed of this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackHat Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I agree with all the others. Two years and you didn't get over it? Time to call it quits. And nope, you are in no way, shape, or form, helping your kids. You'd be naive thinking that they would not sense of feel that something is not right. Children want happy parents, not parents who stuck together for no apparent reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 It takes 2-5 to get over a betrayal and some people just can't get over it. In order to heal, you need to see remorse from your H and I'm not sure if you have. Have you been to marriage counselling? What does your H do to make you feel safe?* These are some things that a WS should do for a successful reconciliation.* He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. You have to tell him to look for another job, away from the OW. Ask him, if you had an affair and still worked with the OM, how would that feel for him. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with. He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding. He must feel your pain. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you. He must accept full responsibility for his actions. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.He must be willing to seek counseling. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex. How do you know the affair ended? What consequences did he face? Did you tell his family? Did he ever realise that he could loose you? Or did you just rugsweep and move on? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Never, never stay for the kids. They *may* be shocked and hurt, but not "traumatized" to the extent that they won't get over it and survive. Children survive divorce everyday. Beside, at some point in their lives, they may learn what their father did: What kind of life lesson would you be teaching them to learn their is no consequences to their actions? Sure, their father can walk all over their mother and it was acceptable to do that. I think it is a braver thing to teach children how to be strong in the face of adversity - and how to survive. And if you have daughters, especially, to teach them the VERY important lesson that they can't be abused the way you were. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Infidelity can be a deal breaker for men and women. There is nothing to apologize for if that is how you feel. If he is doing all the right things and after two years you are not moving forward it may be it for you. You do have to accept your old marriage is DEAD and you two have to rebuild another one. Now, staying for the kids is NOT the long term answer. You will not be a great parent if you are emotionally miserable and in a bad marriage. Of course, there are financial considerations. What investigation have you done about what a divorce would result in. If you are feeling you cannot recover from this you need to at least find out what the options are. You read it all the time that "I stayed for the kids" . Well, unfortunately in today's society there are a lot of divorces, many NOT, involving infidelity, and a lot of kids turn out just fine. You need to tell your husband wha to you are feeling , and see if he can take any more steps to help you heal. Sometimes it does take longer . But you should be starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 They always say the same things: "I needed xyz and you weren't giving that to me." "You didn't feel understood." "I was unhappy in the marriage." BS, BS, BS. He did it because he wanted to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 miculta , To re-assure, the infedility is his decision and his fault ; but if same circumstances are now existing ; then what guarantees he won't cheat again ? you are unhappy , is it insecurity because of cheating only ? What I mean , is your marriage dead irrespective of the cheating ? if So , WTF R would bring ? I believe u need to fix a lot of things irrespective of cheating issue ; you need MC both ; and it is independant of the cgeating ; R is essecial ; but in your case it seems so many other issues 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Divorce, your kids won't be traumatized when their mother stands up for herself. Your dear husband is still having his affair, time to put up some boundaries. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtHusband Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) I simply can't believe the number of stories on here, where the cheating partner still works with the affair partner. How can the betrayed partner endure that? How do you get through the day knowing that those two are meeting and chatting and laughing. That would drive me insane and no way could I live with that. Would you not try and explain that to him? But than what's the point cause if he gave a damn about your feelings he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place, or by now he would have made drastic changes and would be a different person. Are there many cheating partners who seriously change and become a better person in order to save their marriage? Maybe if it was a drunken one night stand, but I think when someone has an affair which goes on for weeks or months it's really hard to forgive them. Also it's been 8 months since my world was turned upside down and I can't get over it either... The resentment, the anger, the disappointment the heartache.... You keep busy and you get preoccupied with work and kids but it doesn't go away. Edited April 12, 2015 by HurtHusband 4 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I know exactly why you can't get over it: He said he cheated because he was unhappy in our marriage and I didn't understand him. That isn't an exactly quote, but that is basically what he said. And: He is trying to work it our, spending time with the children, doing chores. THIS is the only way he can be real and help you: Honey, I cheated because I chose to betray you. It was wrong, and it is 100% MY responsibility that I chose to deal with whatever was going on by becoming an unfaithful liar. I will do whatever it takes to help YOU and restore our marriage by helping YOU heal, committing fully to our marriage and family, and making whatever amends I can. He basically blamed you for his affair and is pitching in around the house. He hasn't done the basics. This isn't about YOU getting over it or even how perfect or imperfect your marriage was. This is about HIM being a blame-shifting avoider. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 My husband cheated on me two years ago and I can't get over it. It was with a co-worker, I found their messages on his cell. He still works with her, they even went on a business trip to Spain; not just the two of them, there were other colleagues ,too. He said he cheated on me because of our marital problems; he didn't feel understood and he'd been unhappy for 13 years. He's now trying to work it out, spending more time with our children, doing chores, he's more involved in family activities.... I just can't get over it. What should I do? Why didn't he quit his job? No way should he have gone to Spain with her! How do you know their affair is over? Is he an open book, allowing you to check his social media, his cell etc? Did you ever talk to the co workers husband or boyfriend (if she was married)? If you feel you can't get past his choice in having an affair, divorce. Some couples don't make it, some BS's just can't get past it and that's okay. Not all can forgive an affair and work through it. Seems he never took any responsibility for his choice to cheat on you! Many can have marital issues and NOT cheat, so for him to blame the marriage or you is ridiculous! Nobody held a gun to his head and told him to handle marital problems by going outside your marriage. He did that ALL on his own and that's NOT your fault. Each of you are responsible for problems in the marriage, that's it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 A divorce would traumatize them. Should I stay for the kids? Don't stay married just because of the kids. Do family counseling to help them adjust. You and your H can have joint custody and be the best co parents to your children. Link to post Share on other sites
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