STBX still stalking me.

[ShannonBanana]

It's been eons since this process all started. He's dragged the divorce (that he wanted) out as long as possible out of revenge that I would have the audacity to stand up for my rights in the divorce. He's also bitter about paying me spousal support though it is my legal right to receive it. We live in different countries now which made me very happy because he violated my privacy, stalked, harassed and was mentally and emotionally abusive to me while we were living in the same country/city.

 

When I moved back home, to my new residence of San Francisco, I refused to give him my address. Not because I have been doing something wrong, but because his past behaviour has been such that I don't want him to have any information on my life for concern his stalking and harassment will start again.I had him send all spousal support payments to my father's house, which in turn got forwarded to me in my new city. No real problems there, checks get to me fine. Meanwhile, my ex thinks that he has a right to know my address and apparently can't live his life until he has my address.

 

Some how, some way, he tracked down my boyfriend's address and is now sending my spousal support checks to his house!!!! What the hell? My checks were getting to me fine the other way, and now, in an effort to have me know his power, he took the time to find out my BF's address and let me know that he knows where he lives. It's so creepy. I feel like Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy.

 

I have no idea what to do. The check does make it to me, by way of my BF ,but this isn't the address I have told him to send it to. I am concerned that even though we live in different countries, his family lives here and the corporation he works for is headquartered in this area. All he needs to do is come back for work or family visits and it's not outside of the bounds of reality for him to show up at my BF house in an effort to exert his sick perception of power over he and I. I know that I would just call the cops at that point, but it's the princpal of the matter, that he knows if he wanted to harass and stalk me again, he knows where to find me.

 

I'm feel like I'm trying to stand up for the principal of privacy to a man who has no principals.

 

So my question goes, do I deposit the check confirming the address is a place to send me money? Or do I refuse the check, causing more problems between the attorney's and another big battle (he makes everything a battle, this is war to him, sadly)?

 

What would deflate his sense of power, if anything can?

 

It's so frustrating that this man runs his agenda over me even though I have moved on with my life entirely.

Edited April 12, 2015 by ShannonBanana

[jen1447]

I'd deposit the check like normal, then (since you mentioned attorneys) tell your attorney that he's no longer abiding by what I assume is a court order to do x, y, and z, and let him deal with it. It could well be the courts would not look fondly on that at all, and then he'll have some explaining to do.

 

Don't 'hold' the check or anything like that, it'll give him some of the satisfaction he's looking for. He'll get no satisfaction as far as that goes if you act like you're unphased by it and cash/deposit it like normal.

 

In terms of locating your BF, it's not hard to do, and you have to reconcile yourself to the fact that that's the world we live in now. So what? Like you say, if you ever actually see him, just call the police. He's probably too much of a pu$sy to actually do anything tho if he's spending all his time cooking up schemes to 'shake you up.'

 

If you're determined, you could make a police report, explaining the whole situation and illustrating how it could be construed as a threat or intimidation. I doubt anything would come of it, but it's possible if they (the police) take enough interest, they may assign someone to investigate and they might at least call your ex and ask him what his problem is and if he's planning on harming you or your BF, which would put the onus back on him and probably make him feel a little smaller.

[Yasuandio]

SB,

 

I wrote you a long post, then, I backed down, cause I have a tendency to cross the line, sometimes. I want to be very respectful of the LS guidelines. Therefore, if you wish a bit more detail on how I'm handling a similar situation, please feel free to PM me, and I'll give you my system.

 

For now, our situations are similar in that the ex wanted the divorce, then proceeded to drag it out four years through non-cooperation. Further, the ex is a stalker. During the four years, he had surveillance on me constantly - hired PI's and also used his friends as proxies for this mission. He seemed to often be at my destinations, such as the grocery store or pharmacy -- in the parking lot, during those four years.

 

I even got run off the road trying to get to my doctor's office. My stories started to sound unbelievable. Even my close girlfriend of 15 years (and also co-retired colleage from the university where we worked together) seemed like she didn't believe me at a point. I remember that day so vividly, there were 3 black Crown Victoria cars that had followed me from all my errands, and I was afraid to get out of the car to pick up my prescriptions. She was on the phone with me, and I told her, there is another Crown Victoria car parked right here! (I mean, even earlier, my attorney believed me, and the tags came back to a detective agency - but they were unlicensed in my state). I wasn't thinking right, I was getting so paranoid. I should have just called the police. But I felt afraid to cause any trouble.

 

Like you mentioning that movie, "Sleeping with the Enemy," this kind of thing can drive you mad, no kidding. I went on into the store for my prescription I desperately needed, and I completely melted down, and ended up panicking in the store - ending up in hospital. Don't eff around with this.

 

All the attorney did was write a letter, and then his side just denied it. At least our attorneys were having a feeding frenzy off this, as I look back on it. Finally, I got pro-active and I went to the police. The police knew him from his DUI's that he bought himself out of, and they helped me. I was sent to the Stalking Division to tell my story, and I was assigned an advocate I could call at any time. The Detective instructed me to get cameras and a better security system, which I did.

 

I later came to comprehend that I had a pattern of when and where I went - but it was a few years before I figured that out. Some time after the divorce, the camera system really paid off. He was angry, got made a fool of by threatening me with contempt. When his attorney found out from my response that the contempt threat he made to me was baseless (I had actually paid the taxes, mortgages and lines of credit ex claimed to his attorney I didn't pay), ex showed up here beating on the door for some reason. Click.

 

I have completely changed my pattern, and do not hang out or shop in my neighborhood.

 

It has been 2.5 years since the divorce decree, and he still refuses to sign my homes over to me. I cannot even cash my escrow refund check. Yet I did exactly as the Court instructed, and signed over the business to him. He is expected to pay a hefty alimony sum, which has been a game. It comes the 8th, the 18th, the 15th, and so on. I need those funds to support the properties, period.

 

The alimony thing, just like yours is "passive-aggressive" behavior. I have finally learned (since I cannot afford an attorney to drag him into Court) the best way to handle it is non-response. The PA is dying to hear a reaction - anything, especially needy, or negative. By reacting or even responding, this is ENABLING the passive-aggressive behavior. The bad boy's PA conduct will escalate, before it gets better. But ignoring it might help.

 

You got out of this sooner than I did (at 26 years). I'm not sure how many years it was, but, the longer it was, the stronger he feels an ownership over you. Do not take stalking lightly. Stalking is stalking, period (by mail, by internet, by phone, by VM, by text, by drive-by's, through his or your proxies - such as your boyfriend, in person, via intimidation, via harassment - subtle or otherwise, etc.). Your ex has stalked your boyfriend's address, and is invading your privacy, that is against the law, period. He is also about $18,000 behind in payments towards my legal fees. His day in Court is coming. Not today, not tomorrow, not text month. But his day is coming, and with the amount of money that business is bring in, and the fact he needs 3 Mercedes, 2 vacations a year to Greece -- might not look so good to the Judge, in light of how his disabled wife has been struggling. And that is no joke (no working furnace, no TV, no frills, 16 year old car, hmmmm).

 

I would take your alimony check to the police and make a report. If you can afford it, ask an attorney how to handle this. As, if you accept and cash these checks, that is sort of giving ex permission to violate the Court Order and to continue stalking. STOP HIM IN HIS TRACKS NOW.

 

Send the check back with a registered letter, with a copy of the Police Complaint. You can do that much without an attorney. Instruct him where he was Court Ordered to send this check. Don't make threats. Just attach the police report. Done and done.

 

OK, I realize you need the check. Here is your choice. Get financial assistance from family or someone, until he GETS THE MESSAGE. And believe you me, he will get the message. Make a police report where he lives also, and attach two police reports.

 

Next. Check your phone, cell, and all device data usage lines. Keep a close eye on these things. You may have rollover minutes as I did, and not realize that you phone is data is compromised. This was happening for 18 months and I didn't realize it until January when I began to get charges for over usage on my plan. The bottom line, in March, 23 times my normal usage was drawn from my plan with AT&T (8GB). At&T went inside my cellular devices, which run off of the home wi-fi from cable, and they could not see where I had used 1/23rd of that amount of data. AT&T instructed me to go to Law Enforcement.

 

Next. The high tech crime detective, in no uncertain terms, told me it would not be a bad idea for me to have protection for myself in the home where I live alone. Now, my dad raised me, as a young girl, to target practice, and he took me, many a time, hunting with him on the old farm on Kings Mountain Battlefield, if you get my drift.

 

That's the story. I hope this helps. You are not alone, honey. Yas

Edited April 13, 2015 by Yasuandio

[Matahari007]

Can the money come out of his paycheck and go directly to your bank account? Very much they way many do it with child support. That way he doesn't have to mail any checks and have any address info? Surely there has to be a way to do this.

[ShannonBanana]

Although he is still a US citizen and works for a US company based in the Bay Area, he lives in and gets paid in France so there is no way to garnish the checks. I checked every single way to avoid issues with the payments and this way was one of them but came up short. Luckily, he has property here, that could take the lien should he stop paying (God forbid).

Edited April 13, 2015 by ShannonBanana

[DSP]

Banana - I was thinking about your story today as I went for a walk and was thinking about you smiling as you (or what I envision is you) walked through San Francisco. I can only imagine how beautiful it is there.

 

Could you give him a PO Box and let him know that you don't have an address to give?

 

Do you truly believe he would harm you? It would seem since he is sending checks to your SOs house then maybe he doesn't really care after all and might just be afraid your father or family member were cashing those checks.

 

He seems to want to get the money directly to you tell him to Pay Pal or eWallet it to you. There are many other ways to get funds to someone other than sending it directly.