The cycle never ends

[Criedallout]

So if you read my backstory you will read that I was completely dropped/ignored/rejected from my MM last summer. I blocked everything and remained NC for months and then one day I received a message from him as he had gotten a new number. Guess what I thought "if he went to that much trouble I must be special", I was wrong. Here I am 6 months later back to square one, feeling rejected. Do we ever learn? Why is it so hard to break completely free?

 

 

I feel insane most of the time now. Over the last 6 months he has gone from reaching out to me daily to now almost acting as if I am a bother. He has also refused to see me, even though I asked, the entire 6 months. Why reach back out to me, why not just leave me be? Why do this to me again?

 

 

What I can not figure out is why I put up with it? If I completely went NC what would I actually lose?

 

 

• Words on a screen, no real face to face friendship as I am not good enough for that
  
• Someone who really doesn’t give a sh(t about what I am doing or going through
  
• Someone who doesn’t ask how I am anymore
  
• Someone who make me feel unlikable, unworthy, not even ok for second best
  
• Someone who has turned me into a crazy person
  
• Someone who was so cruel and has never apologized
  
• Someone who doesn’t care I am in pain
  
• Someone who isn’t brave enough to tell me they have moved on
  
• Someone who makes me cry
  
• Someone who will never understand I never meant to love them but I do
  
• Someone who rejects me
  

I have gone to therapy and thought I was doing better but now I realize I am not. How does one break the cycle?

 

 

I told him today I was in pain and all he said was "when did this become back to talking daily?", I should have said "when you F&*(ing reached out daily for months on end" but instead I stayed silent. How did I get to be such a broken mess?

 

 

Crap part is to the outside world I am a solid person. I am highly successful, have lost 50+ lbs recently, I am not ugly by any means and can carry on a decent conversation so why have I allowed this one person to take my light?

 

 

Do they ever care or know how badly they can hurt you? Why not just leave me alone when I had started to move on?

Edited April 12, 2015 by Criedallout

[badpenny]

Block him again.

He does it because you let him.

 

Delete, deny, block, go No Contact.

And if he does it again - block him again. INSTANTLY.

 

Hang up, do not engage, block.

 

Done.

 

Really hun, it's not rocket science.

Edited April 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HappyAgain2014]

In a word... Selfishness.

 

It's all about him. Clearly for him and you. Make a decision to make it all about you. That means ending this for good.

 

You can find a loser anywhere so why bother with a married one?

[Grapesofwrath]

As OWs, we live on a diet of crumbs. This guy doesn't even give you crumbs. He starves you completely. Push away from the table. Leave the restaurant. Walk away until you find someone who can really feed your soul.

[goodyblue]

Quite honestly from what you have posted here (I don't know your back story but will look into it) he seems to be an emotional bully. You have given away your power and that is never a good thing. If you are all about taking care of his needs and he is taking care of his needs, who is taking care of you?? Nobody! It may hurt at first but you have got to get out of this situation. You have a right to happiness and he does not care at all if you are happy.you said something so blunt and he wouldn't even address it!

 

You deserve better. I feel sorry for his wife, who is stuck with him. Find the strength to let go for good.

 

You must find peace.

[loveboid]

Why not just leave me alone when I had started to move on?

 

He was probably hoping you'd "learned your lesson" and was going to be a good little uncomplaining mistress. You on the other hand, thought he was riding in on his white horse to save you.

 

This is a complete and utter misunderstanding between you at best and a mismatch of values and compatibility at worst. So I would tell him exactly what it would take to make you happy. Ask him what it would take for him to be happy with you. If either of you don't want or cannot serve each other then you'll each come to your own conclusion that there's no reason for either of you to contact each other and if you do, you both know the deal.

[Criedallout]

Block him again.

He does it because you let him.

 

Delete, deny, block, go No Contact.

And if he does it again - block him again. INSTANTLY.

 

Hang up, do not engage, block.

 

Done.

 

Really hun, it's not rocket science.

 

 

 

You are right, he does it because I let him. Even after I said I was in pain and didn't get a response, I was the one left feeling sorry I complained and I am the one left worrying if I will hear from him again. I don't understand why I feel this way or think this way. He isn't worth it so why do I so badly want to be wanted by him? It like two commentaries run through my head, one that says run and another that says maybe one day he will understand.

 

 

I wish I had never gotten to this point, I should have listen to all of the other stories and ran.

[Criedallout]

In a word... Selfishness.

 

It's all about him. Clearly for him and you. Make a decision to make it all about you. That means ending this for good.

 

You can find a loser anywhere so why bother with a married one?

 

 

 

I think it is more about wanting to be wanted. I gave away my power to him and I don't know how to get it back.

 

 

I am sure I can find another "loser" but what I don't understand is why this one wont leave my head.

 

 

Maybe I should look into more IC as I must have deep rooted issues

[GoldieLox]

The cycle ends when you stop it. Not that it's your fault, but we have the power to stop letting people hurt us. I learned this lesson way too late in life, but it's better than never learning it at all.

 

He reached out to you with his new number because he wanted an ego stroke. He wanted to see if you would still fall all over him like you did before. Unfortunately, you gave in. So now you can stop it and block him and begin healing again. I'd definitely look into some more IC.

[Criedallout]

The cycle ends when you stop it. Not that it's your fault, but we have the power to stop letting people hurt us. I learned this lesson way too late in life, but it's better than never learning it at all.

 

He reached out to you with his new number because he wanted an ego stroke. He wanted to see if you would still fall all over him like you did before. Unfortunately, you gave in. So now you can stop it and block him and begin healing again. I'd definitely look into some more IC.

 

Thank you. Right now I just need reminders to stay strong and not feel bad about feeling pain.

[Josmatjes]

My xmm did the same to me and I went nc then he texted a few weeks ago saying he still loved me and blah blah blah.... Then the anxiety returned. I started getting anxiety attacks, it was awful. So I took my power back... I called him, yep that's right I called him and told him that I cannot be friends with him anymore and I do not want him texting me anymore. He tried to tell me how miserable he was at home and I said that's not my problem. I ended the conversation and he kept saying no no call me later, let's text and I held my ground and said no I said all I had to say. That was a few weeks ago. I have good days and bad but I know I did the right thing. I took my power back and chose ME!! You can do it too!!

[Grapesofwrath]

My xmm did the same to me and I went nc then he texted a few weeks ago saying he still loved me and blah blah blah.... Then the anxiety returned. I started getting anxiety attacks, it was awful. So I took my power back... I called him, yep that's right I called him and told him that I cannot be friends with him anymore and I do not want him texting me anymore. He tried to tell me how miserable he was at home and I said that's not my problem. I ended the conversation and he kept saying no no call me later, let's text and I held my ground and said no I said all I had to say. That was a few weeks ago. I have good days and bad but I know I did the right thing. I took my power back and chose ME!! You can do it too!!

 

Thanks for sharing this, jos. I have a feeling this is coming my way tomorrow. He knows my schedule and that the kids won't be here tomorrow evening. He will be in town for work, and I know he will reach out and ask if we can "talk." I will keep reading these boards and this point tomorrow to stay on point.

[Josmatjes]

Thanks for sharing this, jos. I have a feeling this is coming my way tomorrow. He knows my schedule and that the kids won't be here tomorrow evening. He will be in town for work, and I know he will reach out and ask if we can "talk." I will keep reading these boards and this point tomorrow to stay on point.

 

Absolutely!! This forum has helped me out so much... Stay strong, I know it's always easier to take the road with less resistance but you will feel bad after and it's awful. That feeling is the kind that you can't talk to people about and you just want to curl in bed and nit face anyone. Well those days are over! Take your power back! Don't wait for him to give it to you cause he never will! Just take it!

[Chasing_mya]

Change your # if possible, block him again from all forms of communication and focus to getting back to healing. He fished and you bit. He's only doing what you allow him to do. He can't MAKE you feel anything. Love you first and know that he's not even worth the key strokes to reply. Get your power back. Don't even give him an explanation, do this for your own sanity sweety.

[Criedallout]

Change your # if possible, block him again from all forms of communication and focus to getting back to healing. He fished and you bit. He's only doing what you allow him to do. He can't MAKE you feel anything. Love you first and know that he's not even worth the key strokes to reply. Get your power back. Don't even give him an explanation, do this for your own sanity sweety.

 

I agree I have to do this for my sanity. Last night I blocked the new number, I won't lie I'm in pain today but I've been here before nothing new

 

Thank you everyone

[lostinlust80]

@criedallout - I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation. I was in 5 months of NC when he contacted me via email. (I had never given him my email address) The fact that he "went out of his way" to find me made me think he must've really missed me. WRONG! Now a few weeks later, I find myself in the same push-pull "relationsh*t" I left the first time around. The reason I think they contacted us, unfortunately, is bc they were lonely and wanted to see if we were still up for their games. Once they know we they have us, they go back to their old ways.

[Criedallout]

@criedallout - I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation. I was in 5 months of NC when he contacted me via email. (I had never given him my email address) The fact that he "went out of his way" to find me made me think he must've really missed me. WRONG! Now a few weeks later, I find myself in the same push-pull "relationsh*t" I left the first time around. The reason I think they contacted us, unfortunately, is bc they were lonely and wanted to see if we were still up for their games. Once they know we they have us, they go back to their old ways.

 

Yes this exactly, same old games. I was silly to think he missed me and changed. One day at a time.

[Eighty_nine]

First, you KNOW this is a bad guy, a situation where there's no benefits for you. So you're on track to end this. That's step 1.

 

The way you described this guy reminds me of an ex of mine, not an affair partner but a terrible excuse for a person who was out of control with the push/pull games, drawing me in emotionally to reject me, behaving like he loved me, behaving like he hated me or just didn't give a sh*t and made ME feel crazy for not knowing how to handle it.

 

Going NC with him was incredibly hard. I remember thinking WHY is this so hard?? He brings NOTHING of value to my life!

 

So you've done it once, that's a great accomplishment! After I went NC for the final time, one thing I did repeatedly was make a list of all of the ways he acted like an *******, made me feel bad about myself or just generally let me down. I wrote these lists over and over. At home, at work, at the gym, anywhere. The memories were painful, but helped desensitize me to them and helped change my perception of him to the assh*le that he really is. It really helped me. The first month was awful though, but as you know, it gets better.

[m4p]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I haven't read your backstory.. But I know that being the OW sucks. When faced with an awful person as an MM, it sucks even more x100. No one can discount your pain and confusion so please know we are all here for you..

 

You have the power to step out of this... Don't let him do this to you anymore. When you're faced with a jerk, the only way you can deal with this is to understand that he is bad person and he DOES NOT care for you. its unfortunate but we can be as strong as we can on the outside (successful career.. lovely with a nice sense of humor.. Likeable most of the time) but when faced with having fallen in love with an MM, it's like we are reduced to amoebas with no brain cells.

 

Bottomline... Someone who cares for you will not hurt you intentionally. Someone who loves you will not prolong your pain by playing games with you. I know it gets lonely and frustrating.. We have all been there (or rather most of us are still going through this torture we have inflicted on ourselves)... you are not alone.

 

You can do it and please check back here often just to read and get support. It has certainly helped me loads, especially on bad days when I'm super tempted to contact my xMM. I imagine confessing to breaking NC and getting scolded/flailed by everyone here and that kinda stopped myself from making mistakes I will regret (lol).

 

Ultimately, the earlier you walk out of this haze of darkness/pain/lies/waiting around, the earlier you are to finding real happiness and fulfillment in your life..

 

Stay strong!!

[Criedallout]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I haven't read your backstory.. But I know that being the OW sucks. When faced with an awful person as an MM, it sucks even more x100. No one can discount your pain and confusion so please know we are all here for you..

 

You have the power to step out of this... Don't let him do this to you anymore. When you're faced with a jerk, the only way you can deal with this is to understand that he is bad person and he DOES NOT care for you. its unfortunate but we can be as strong as we can on the outside (successful career.. lovely with a nice sense of humor.. Likeable most of the time) but when faced with having fallen in love with an MM, it's like we are reduced to amoebas with no brain cells.

 

Bottomline... Someone who cares for you will not hurt you intentionally. Someone who loves you will not prolong your pain by playing games with you. I know it gets lonely and frustrating.. We have all been there (or rather most of us are still going through this torture we have inflicted on ourselves)... you are not alone.

 

You can do it and please check back here often just to read and get support. It has certainly helped me loads, especially on bad days when I'm super tempted to contact my xMM. I imagine confessing to breaking NC and getting scolded/flailed by everyone here and that kinda stopped myself from making mistakes I will regret (lol).

 

Ultimately, the earlier you walk out of this haze of darkness/pain/lies/waiting around, the earlier you are to finding real happiness and fulfillment in your life..

 

Stay strong!!

 

Thank you for this, the last few days have been really hard. I keep thinking one day at a time but then I wonder if he misses me at all. How can they just turn it off and on?

[Lovemesomehim]

As long as you continue allowing him into your life, the more you will feel pain.

 

Loving a man is not this hard and when he loves you back, he makes it easy for you. Reason being, he wants to see you happy, h.e.l.l. infact he will keep a smile on your face. When life throws blows your way, that man will support you and make sure you are happy.

 

He has clearly made it known of the type of relationship he wants with you. As long as you oblige him, the more you will feel the pain.