Author meri77 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 I'm actually not bothered by the notion of polygamy or sharing a man. I'm sharing him now. I don't feel jealous when he is with her, I'm not bothered by the fact that he sleeps with his wife, etc. Obviously there are problems in his marriage, and he has admitted as much, but he's always said that they are not big enough for him to leave his family over, so clearly there are good times between them as well. I'm less concerned with how it will affect me than how it will affect her. He seems to think that she is the kind of person who could do this... but he and I both know that he very well may just be blinded by his feelings for me. I wish that I could meet her first to get an idea of who she is. That would probably "break the spell" or give me an answer one way or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meri77 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 So he could be future faking or giving you some false hope here. Do you think your kids and his (young) children will adjust to this lifestyle? Really, could you live under one roof? Have 3somes? I don't know how this would be arranged, if at all. But no, I don't foresee any threesomes lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meri77 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 So he could be future faking or giving you some false hope here. he's not faking. he may be delusional, yes. but he's not faking, we were very good friends before this and we're still good friends and both of our hopes is that no matter what happens there won't be any animosity. he's not interested in leading me down the primrose path because we both know that will lead to serious resentment. like i said, this is just something we talk about, no promises are being made. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meri77 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) what happens if she goes with a big fat HELL NO!, as is expected? will you two break it off or will it go underground? good question. don't know the answer. obviously the smart move on my part would be to break it off. and that's probably what i should do now in any event... but the heart wants what it wants Edited April 13, 2015 by meri77 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meri77 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Just wanted to say thank you for all the thoughtful replies. I think you guys have actually gone pretty easy on me considering how crazy this idea is and I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Have you thought of Std's with the sharing? Because for all anyone knows, his wife could be cheating. Meaning you are sleeping with all the men she is and the sexual partners those men could have. I wonder if the years of abuse have made you someone who would settle for this kind of arrangement. Think about it . You've gone from a bad marriage, to an affair and now are happy to consider a sister wife arrangement. What message does the life you have led so far teach your children? There is a MM, having an A with a woman 30 years his junior. His wife knows, but is scared to confront. She has access to their conversations and her H has also said he wants the sister wife arrangements, but would prefer it if polygamy was legal. I'll let you know how that turns out, because that's really what he'd like. His wife currently babysits the OWs kids as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I've met some women who are from cultures where a man has a wife and a mistress or "sister wife" ( though they use a different term). Both the primary and "sister" wife ( I don't know which terms to use here) tend to end up very unhappy, and the only one who is happy is the man. Suppose she does agree to this because she feels pressured to or she feels he needs to for her kids. You enter their lives, and you get to see the pain and humiliation she feels about the whole thing. In effect, you will be contributing to her living in a situation that is, at best, emotionally and mentally abusive. How is that going to make you feel? It sounds like your mm wants to do what's right for HIM and not right for his wife and family. He's got two kids, and how are they going to react to this new arrangement? No offense intended here, but I don't think that you have any right to involve yourself in asking her to do this. your mm...maybe. He can ask her to change the parameters of their marriage, and she has the right to say either yes or no. If she says no, what will the next steps be? Will he continue to cheat on her while lying to her about the affair? Will he leave her to be with you? Will she choose to end the marriage? He may wnat to keep it together and still see you, but that will not be up to him. What will he do if she says " end the affair or our marraige is over" and he lies to her while still seeing you? How will that make you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I'm actually not bothered by the notion of polygamy or sharing a man. I'm sharing him now. I don't feel jealous when he is with her, I'm not bothered by the fact that he sleeps with his wife, etc. Obviously there are problems in his marriage, and he has admitted as much, but he's always said that they are not big enough for him to leave his family over, so clearly there are good times between them as well. I'm less concerned with how it will affect me than how it will affect her. He seems to think that she is the kind of person who could do this... but he and I both know that he very well may just be blinded by his feelings for me. I wish that I could meet her first to get an idea of who she is. That would probably "break the spell" or give me an answer one way or the other. Well you have only been involved romantically with the MM for 6 months and you have just recently left your own abusive marriage so it's no surprise that right now you don't mind sharing him. You're not done processing the end of your marriage and you're not really emotionally available for a serious committed relationship yet but you will be and when that happens you won't be satisfied being one of three people. I'd say in a year or so it will hit you that you are in another bad relationship. I'm sure your sweet attentive MM sounds like a big step up from your abusive marriage but soon you will realize that you are just catering to another type of immature selfish man. You keep saying that you don't how this situation would play out as your MM doesn't have a plan yet. You don't know if you would all live together or have threesomes because the MM hasn't told you yet. It's as if you have turned over all of the decision making and planning of your life over to him. You have kids and family and friends. You should be thinking about how this would impact their lives. How open could you be with your kids and your family? Would you be taking your MM around to your family for Xmas dinner and introducing him as your married bf? How would you explain it to your kids? These are kind of rhetorical questions because it's doubtful this idea will ever become a reality. You also keep saying you are/were close friends with the MM for years yet you've never met his wife, which means there have always been limitations on your friendship. I once had a best buddy male friend. We met when he was separated from his wife. We were strictly platonic but we became best friends. For two years we hung out and talked and did everything together. When he was reconciling with his wife he wanted me to meet her so he could continue being friends with me and I could maybe be friends with his wife too. She said absolutely not! She didn't want to meet me and she wasn't interested in being my friend, furthermore she didn't think it appropriate for her husband and myself to continue our friendship. After that he tried coming around my place for coffee a few times but I wasn't very interested in having a secret friendship with him and I didn't have any romantic attraction to him so I pretty much ended our friendship. I didn't want any drama, I didn't want to be the cause of any trouble in his marriage and I didn't want to be part of a hidden friendship. Had I continued being his friend in the sense of him sneaking around to see me behind his wife's back I would no longer have considered him a best friend or even a good friend as he would have this whole other life I wouldn't/couldn't take part in and to me best friends take part in each others lives. I have a feeling that your friendship with the MM has mainly consisted of long talks with each other about your lives, in secret and hidden from others. That's more like an emotional affair than it is a true friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I agree that your MM is probably not faking, just a bit delusional, which is what is the "affair fog" people speak of, where when one is caught up you truly sometimes lose sense of logic and come up with these fanciful ideas of how things will go or can go that have no bearing in reality. You and he both have said you don't know how this will work and it reminds me of my own A where I asked him if he truly thought he could just have us both forever, and his response was always "I don't know how it will work, but as of today I know I want you in my life." There were never any real plans...just going with how he was feeling and what he wanted at the moment meanwhile sort of knowing that it might make no sense ultimately. The only thing I'll add is that, the abused OW or MOW who jumps from abusive relationship to affair tends to have a lot of healing and self work to do and the very fact that you go from one dysfunctional scenario to another is telling. I mean, that's really the truth. Of course the abusive previous relationship may be way worse, but the secret A also takes a toll often and is a lower form of still being in a situation that isn't great...but many when comparing it to the former abuse think they've won the lottery. It also seems like when one has suffered abuse it's hard to have boundaries later or the bar becomes lower for what good treatment is in comparison. I'm not saying MM isn't a great friend to you neither am I saying he is manipulating you or anything like that, I don't believe he is. But we're all humans and the realistic part of relationships is that sometimes we're attracted to the issues in other people or at a certain point in life when they're down and we are, it seems like perfect soulmates because we're both being bandaids for each other's issues. It's likely that this is the case with you and MM where you've been friends and at your low point in your abusive relationship and his low point of boredom or whatever it is with his marriage you've both found that space in each other. It's worth thinking about in terms of if you want to do some self work and healing on your own before essentially jumping back into a ready-made relationship with a man who is married and who in all likelihood will not have a wife who agrees to be sister wives. You also have kids, both of you, so that's another practical thing to consider. MM might have been a great boost to help you leave your H but if he isn't leaving his wife ever, then I think ultimately you and your kids are better off if you eventually find a different scenario, or else you may find yourself being dragged through another form of hurtful relationship (whether or not he intends to hurt you or not). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Some people are open to polyamorous relationships, even some that started with cheating. It depends mostly on his wife's attitudes about this. I'm assuming they don't have a consensually open or poly relationship at present, so of course it's risky for him and his relationship to raise this topic unless they have at least talked about this previously (although if they have, it probably was not with a specific person in mind). So, at least he may be willing to bring this into the open, which is a good idea. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess, but the odds are not good that this will go where you hope. Still, any chance is better than none, right? Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 In this arrangement you and the MM have a win. You don't mind sharing and he wants both. What does his wife get out of it? I don't see a win for her. That is why I don't believe she would go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 She may not "get" anything from it, but if she chooses to do it then it is a choice she gets to make, rather than something she doesn't even know about that he's doing behind her back. Besides, if they agree to a poly relationship, she would be free to pursue other relationships for herself, so that could be a win if she'd like that option. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I think some man bringing up the subject of an open marriage is fine and some women may be fine with that, but if he then produces his ready made OW, then he is expecting a lot if he thinks his BW will be happy about it. Cheating is not just about sexual infidelity, it is about disloyalty too. The concept of "us against the world" in the structure of the marriage is ruined. With cheating, that pact becomes broken. He was seeing another woman; sharing his secrets, his thoughts, his ideas and ambitions with this OW; he betrayed his wife and not only sexually. His wife is therefore, not going to be happy to greet this woman who has taken her husband away from her and her marriage. A person who was content to sneak around undercover, and screw her husband. She MAY need a friend and a "sister", but not a lying, cheating one, I am afraid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 She may not "get" anything from it, but if she chooses to do it then it is a choice she gets to make, rather than something she doesn't even know about that he's doing behind her back. Besides, if they agree to a poly relationship, she would be free to pursue other relationships for herself, so that could be a win if she'd like that option. No one will know until MM proposes it to her, and that I'm afraid is the unlikely part of it where it seems like the perfect solution in the MM's mind but when it comes on to actually sitting his wife down and proposing it, well that seems like it will be a whole other thing, especially if there is no dday. I can see on dday when you haven't got a choice because the cat is out of the bag, but I would applaud MM is without dday he approaches his wife about this. It seems unlikely, but you never know! After he tells her, then that's when it becomes real and it either plays out as expected (she tells him to eff off he's insane) or she agrees openly and everyone is in the know. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 As my friend says, asking for an open marriage after an affair is like driving your car into the lake and then calling it a boat! This man would be asking his wife to now have a relationship with two people she can't trust. Relationships don't work without trust. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Did he ask for an open marriage? My perception was that he asked for them to be sister wives. The OP would have to clarify that for us. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Did he ask for an open marriage? My perception was that he asked for them to be sister wives. The OP would have to clarify that for us. I'm laughing because I'm wondering if either of these options is less absurd given he's already cheating. I have a feeling him asking his wife for an open marriage or for her to be sister wives with his OW will both be quite a lot. Now that you mention it though, sister wives may come off as more offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Did he ask for an open marriage? My perception was that he asked for them to be sister wives. The OP would have to clarify that for us. Well its already an open marriage for him. Now he just needs to ask his wife if she is ok with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Yeah, a girl can dream, but unless you are truly a polygamist, I doubt sharing a man with his wife is actually your dream come true. Sounds like something you would go along with simply because you know your MM won't leave his wife and make you his one and only. That's not dreaming, that's settling. The only person who would benefit from this is your MM so it's his dream. It's certainly not his wife's dream and I really doubt it's your dream. This is an MM who is likely robbing you of your dreams. The polygamists people see on tv are not a true snapshot of polygamy. It is riddled with jealousy, sexual abuse,spousal abuse, lack of education, lies and just as much deceit. I am from Utah too and know lots of people who escaped. Pretty unhealthy dynamic. The wife will never go for it either. The second he mentions it, she will feel like her world has been tipped off it's axis. Unless you agree to something like that at the beginning the chances of it working are a million to one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I'm actually not bothered by the notion of polygamy or sharing a man. I'm sharing him now. I don't feel jealous when he is with her, I'm not bothered by the fact that he sleeps with his wife, etc. Obviously there are problems in his marriage, and he has admitted as much, but he's always said that they are not big enough for him to leave his family over, so clearly there are good times between them as well. I'm less concerned with how it will affect me than how it will affect her. He seems to think that she is the kind of person who could do this... but he and I both know that he very well may just be blinded by his feelings for me. I wish that I could meet her first to get an idea of who she is. That would probably "break the spell" or give me an answer one way or the other. You get no say in this, it's all in his wife's hands. Chances are so low, and I highly doubt she's gonna allow you into her life and share her husband willingly and become one big blended happy family. It's a fantasy, a pipe dream. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 he's not faking. he may be delusional, yes. but he's not faking, we were very good friends before this and we're still good friends and both of our hopes is that no matter what happens there won't be any animosity. he's not interested in leading me down the primrose path because we both know that will lead to serious resentment. like i said, this is just something we talk about, no promises are being made. Yet your hopes are certainly up. And it is future faking because it'll never happen. No way is his wife going to agree to what he wants. He is very delusional and has his head in the clouds. The only way she *may* consider anything is an open marriage that way she can have an OM on the side. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I think you might have to join certain sects of LDS and move to Utah for that... Not my "sect." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 good question. don't know the answer. obviously the smart move on my part would be to break it off. and that's probably what i should do now in any event... but the heart wants what it wants Yes but you can decide. You can made a choice in whether or not you want to 'listen' to your heart. Respectfully I hope you do end it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Not my "sect." Lots of people don't realize that the LDS church and the FLDS are not the same church. And nobody ever even talks about the other groups like the Allred's. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Lots of people don't realize that the LDS church and the FLDS are not the same church. And nobody ever even talks about the other groups like the Allred's. Thank You! So sick of experiencing this even in a Million-person like Calgary. So ridiculous. LDS =/= polygamous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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