rebecki7 Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 I am new here, and I warn you in advance this will be quite long (sorry!) but I could really use some advice. Last May I played sand volleyball at a small bar in my town. Jason was on my team-it was the first time I had ever met him, and I was instantly drawn to him. I am not sure why, but there was something that I was drawn to. We started out jsut talking, like friends, but things soon escalated into flirting. Lots of flirting went on- touching, staring, smiling, he told me i was beautiful, amazing, etc, that someday we would leave together. And all of this flirting went on until around Jan. I then didn't see him for a few months until 2 Mondays ago when I saw him at the bar. We started with our flirting from afar--the smiles and staring-- until he asked me if I wanted to play darts with him. {At this point in time, I like him sooooo much! Whenever I am around him I can't stop smiling and my heart skips} We talk like normal while playing and play a few games. He then tells me he is going to go home and we hug. A big, huge, hug. He told me he missed me so much and that I was beautiful and that it was so good to see me. I say the same in reply. I then walk over to someone else I knew and I hear my phone ring, I go outside so I can hear. As I am on the phone, Jason walks out. He waits by me until I hang up and he tells me goodbye and we hug again. This time, as we pull away, we look into each other's eyes, and we kiss. Then he told me that he had wanted to do that for so long, and we kiss again. He turns to leave and says "now what?" and I said "I don't know." We had never exchanged numbers before, so I don't talk to him until Friday night when he calls my house. He told me he was a few towns away at a motel where he had had a dart tournament and that he couldn't stop thinking about me and really wanted me to come there. As much as I was going to hate myself for going, I went, and he kissed me the second he saw me. We talked for a little bit when we got into the room, but it all led to the bed, and we had sex, twice. Afterwards, we slept naked together with his arms around me all night. This happened 2 weeks ago today (fri) and I have not talked to him yet. But it is hard. My mom was on the volleyball team we were on (our flirting has always been kind of sneaky), I still live at home, and my mom is always up at the bar when Jason and I are. I was at the bar with my mom last Monday and saw him, we did our eye/smile flirting, but he didn't talk to me. I am worried that we haven't talked. I feel like he likes me, but since I haven't talked to him feel like I was used for sex. Plus I hate myself and have been beating myself up because he is married and I know how wrong all of this is. I especially know its wrong because my dad cheated on my mom and destroyed our family. But I just don't know what to do. I like him so much, and I don't know. Volleyball is startinf again soon, and I am so excited yet so nervous to see/talk to him. And I know that because he is unhappy it doesn't justify anything, but I feel like he likes me and is happy with me, but I don't know. AUGH, I don't know anything. I know I just blabbed on for SOO long, and I doubt anyone is still reading, but I would so greatly appreciate ANY comments/advice. (And I know the best advice is to walk away, but I honestly don't feel like I could do that.) Thank you so much... Bekki Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 wtf?! he's MARRIED. that means he's chosen someone else. he's sleeping with someone else. he loves someone else. he's building a life with someone else. and he's a b*astard for cheating on his wife. what you're doing could break up his family and inflict the same pain and destruction that your dad and whoever he was f***ing brought to you. you fancy him? so what?! he's prepared to f*** you? IT DOESN'T MATTER. he has a life with someone else. he will never be yours. he won't leave his wife. you will be, at best, someone he f***s whenever she'll let him, someone he promises the world to, someone he uses for what HE wants, someone he lies to over and over again. bekki, sweetheart, you're worth more that this. and he won't be the last guy you feel head over heels about, i assure you. go find someone available who likes you enough to be yours, exclusively. something this guy will never be. and then congratulate yourself for taking action to prevent years and years of heartbreak for another family. Link to post Share on other sites
Impressive1 Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 I totally agree! What the **** is wrong with you? Honestly, you know there is NOTHING in this but pain for you and everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 I'd say that if you haven't heard from him in two weeks, then its a pretty safe bet that it was more of a hit and run sort of thing. Its hard to say if he intended for it to be a matter of 'usage' - its likely he did like you and found you attractive, and enjoyed what he had with you, but... when he did a risk/benefit analysis he probably saw that being with you was not worth the risk of losing what he has with his family. Guilt? Remorse? Maybe. At this point, it doesn't really matter because its apparent he's dropped off. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 Originally posted by rebecki7 We had never exchanged numbers before, so I don't talk to him until Friday night when he calls my house. He told me he was a few towns away at a motel where he had had a dart tournament and that he couldn't stop thinking about me and really wanted me to come there. As much as I was going to hate myself for going, I went, and he kissed me the second he saw me. We talked for a little bit when we got into the room, but it all led to the bed, and we had sex, twice. Afterwards, we slept naked together with his arms around me all night. wow. that must have been a pretty serious dart tournament that he needed to stay in a motel... or you fell into the trap of a seasoned sex scammer!!! either way, you know what you need to do, even though you said you don't want to be told the best advice. however, i don't think it's even up to you to "walk away" at this point because it appears there is nothing to walk away from. if there was something to walk away from, it seems he's already taken off in a freight train... good luck. it's a tough situation, but you'll be okay. in a few weeks, you won't even remember this happened. find a different volleyball team, go out with your friends, find a new bar to hang out at. there's lots of different things to do to forget about this creep. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebecki7 Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks for the replies...but I don't think you need to say things like "what the *** is wrong with you" I came here looking for advice, experience, etc. And I still would love to talk to people about their experiences and how things got started for them. And it totally seems like he just used me, but I am on his volleyball team and he knows that I am playing on it again this year. It seems odd that he would just use me for a one night thing knowing he has to face both my mom and me. But I don't know. I know I am dumb...I just can't help but thinking about that I feel he likes me. And I don't think he is just a sex scammer--if he just wanted me for sex, he would have gotten it from me a long time ago, not after a year of knowing him and flirting at the bar. And it was a 2-day tournament that lasted all day until late....not that that makes anything right..... Also, he doesn't have any kids, just his wife, and he has only been married for a year or two---I KNOW--doesn't make it right Thanks all Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by rebecki7 Thanks for the replies...but I don't think you need to say things like "what the *** is wrong with you" I came here looking for advice, experience, etc. And I still would love to talk to people about their experiences and how things got started for them. And it totally seems like he just used me, but I am on his volleyball team and he knows that I am playing on it again this year. It seems odd that he would just use me for a one night thing knowing he has to face both my mom and me. But I don't know. I know I am dumb...I just can't help but thinking about that I feel he likes me. And I don't think he is just a sex scammer--if he just wanted me for sex, he would have gotten it from me a long time ago, not after a year of knowing him and flirting at the bar. And it was a 2-day tournament that lasted all day until late....not that that makes anything right..... Also, he doesn't have any kids, just his wife, and he has only been married for a year or two---I KNOW--doesn't make it right Thanks all When you come here, you'll find people who're willing to try to give you advice based on what they've been through.. and then those people who just don't know what it's like, but some who believe they're morally superior. Anyways, leave him alone. I've been through the same thing. I went through it for almost 2 years. It's not worth it. He's not yours, he'll never be yours. You won't be able to call him when you have a problem. At least not his house. You'll never be able to stay over his house. Never be able to go anywhere where you may be seen by people he knows. Basically, it's just not worth it. It's tough to walk away.. but once you do, you'll realize that it's not the end of the world. And how do you know he's unhappy? Most MM will tell you that.. mine told me they were horribly unhappy and I made him SOOOOO happy.. he was gonna leave her eventually. But ya know what? When the time came that she found out.. they went to marriage counseling.. and after a few months I never heard from em again. Go find a single man who'll be there for you when you need him. When you decide to end it, it'll be tough, but you'll get over it. The longer you're in this 'relationship' though, the harder it will be to get out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebecki7 Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 He wasn't the one who told me was unhappy, many other people did. And I knew he was unhappy before any flirting went on between us. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 But again, it doesn't matter if he's unhappy or not. If they've only been married for a year, and he has no kids, he COULD leave. He really has no ties to her. It doesn't sound like he's that unhappy. You deserve better than a MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebecki7 Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 Of course he has ties to her, he's married to her, that's a pretty big tie Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 I mean just ties such as KIDS. It's harder when you have kids to leave. Did you really want advice from someone who's been their? Or just somebody to tell you what you're doing is right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebecki7 Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 No I just don't want somebody to tell me it is right, because I know nobody will ever do that because it never is or will be right. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by rebecki7 No I just don't want somebody to tell me it is right, because I know nobody will ever do that because it never is or will be right. That's right.. and I'm just giving you advice because I went through the same thing for 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 I'd say just don't contact em.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky Dog Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Just chalk it up to experience, but if you are going to see him again (is he your volleyball coach?!) be sure and not let it happen again. You might also want to think what you will tell your mother if she finds out that you slept with a married man Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
newbee Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 you already feel bad about being used, think how you will feel after being used for sex twice, then three times, then for a month, then for two months etc.... the fact that he has left it for two weeks doesnt sound to me like he is not interested, the fact that it has taken so long doesnt either, it sounds like he is trying to gauge how much he can trust you to keep things quiet. he wont go too far too fast because he wants to be sure that he is safe with you. none of these things will make you feel good. be cold to him, you will feel better. or alternatively you could tell him how much you like him but that you cannot takethings further whilst he is married and you would like to just be friends. honestly whomever said it before is right, if he didnt want to be married, he neednt be. its that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 but again, i still think you're missing the point... i don't think there's anything for you to end, it seems he's already disinterested. if you're still talking about it, it means you're trying to convince yourself of how to go after this guy and keep it going. that's what not right. stop it, and stop it now. you know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Rebecki, we want what's best for you and that's why we're honest with you. You act like a total fool. You should stop thinking about him right now or you will be very, very hurt eventually. Yes, he used you for sex. He might use you again in the future. Of course he likes you, it's sex, fun, and adventure for him. But if he were unhappy with his marriage and you were the next candidate for his wife, he would have called you. He didn't want you to hope too much - that's why he didn't call for two weeks. You're his friend for sex and fun, don't even have the mistress status. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown but again, i still think you're missing the point... i don't think there's anything for you to end, it seems he's already disinterested. if you're still talking about it, it means you're trying to convince yourself of how to go after this guy and keep it going. that's what not right. stop it, and stop it now. you know what to do. I don't think she's missing the point.. I think he IS interested. I agree with Newbee, I think he's just trying to see if he can trust her to keep things quiet. But regardless, you need to stay away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by erika2610 I don't think she's missing the point.. I think he IS interested. I agree with Newbee, I think he's just trying to see if he can trust her to keep things quiet. But regardless, you need to stay away from him. he would have called her within 2 weeks. he didn't. that reeks of disinterest. even if he was testing her, guys aren't stupid. they know to call if they want the girl to have anything to do with them. he could have called to say "hello, can't talk long, wanted to say hi, i'll call you in a few days" or something. he didn't. rebecki knows she should move on. giving her false hopes isn't helping. even if he was interested, her point is that she doesn't know what to do...which unanimously so far is "walk away." Link to post Share on other sites
newbee Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 i dont see that it helps much to say he isnt interested, then when he next shows he is, she may think its all hunkydory. i think erika and i both speak from experience with married men, they dont act like a normal single guy, its probably part of the hook. he IS interested, but what in? not a committed loving relatioship, but a bit of fun behind closed doors. he is making sure things move slowly so he can be alert to any threats to his marriage. the question is, is this the kind of relationship she wants? also, he will likely say charming lovely things and make it sound that it is for more than fun, you are in this situation armed and way ahead of him if you want to be, you can listen to people here who know. Link to post Share on other sites
PattyCakes Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 FIrst dont call yourself dumb. And you are not a fool. You sound pretty young to me. Your topic was being used by a married man. Yes you were. In fact Id be willing to bet 95% of all MM use their OW. Otherwise why would they be married and cheating ? Its a purly selfish act . Like I said you sound very young to me. We all do things that are silly, that doesnt mean we are dumb . Personally, I d walk away. Take a really cute , unmarried guy , to your next game. The only way to have an affair with a MM is to not get emotionally involved. Few of us are cold hearted enough to withstand that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebecki7 Posted April 19, 2005 Author Share Posted April 19, 2005 Thanks all for the replies. I know that I should just walk away, that I am only going to get hurt and hurt other people as well, but it's just so hard to do. It's so hard because of how I feel, not only how I feel about him, but the feeling I get FROM him. It's this feeling that he likes me, not just sexually, but actually cares. And it is so hard to walk away from that... Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by rebecki7 Thanks all for the replies. I know that I should just walk away, that I am only going to get hurt and hurt other people as well, but it's just so hard to do. It's so hard because of how I feel, not only how I feel about him, but the feeling I get FROM him. It's this feeling that he likes me, not just sexually, but actually cares. And it is so hard to walk away from that... Hun, it WILL be hard to walk away. But trust me, after a while you'll be like 'what was I thinking?'. I was with my MM for a lil over a year.. imagine walking away after that long? But, I knew it was something I had to do. And he may care about you.. but it's not going to go anywhere. You deserve a single man. One who'll be there for you when you need em. When you do walk away, it'll hurt really bad, but you'll in time get over it. And then you'll find a single man, who'll treat you like you deserve to be treated. My MM cared about me.. he made me feel more special than I had in a long time, but when I left him, I felt better than I had in a long time.. I didn't have to put up with his lies anymore. I wasn't hurting a family anymore. It was worth the pain I felt afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 True. We're all in agreement. However, that's your respomsibility toward yourself and others. Nothing comes free of charge. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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