Was I used by a married man?

[newbee]

"but the feeling I get FROM him. It's this feeling that he likes me, not just sexually, but actually cares. And it is so hard to walk away from that..."

 

that, is lust. its how men appear when they are in lust and trying to bed you. even in normal relationships men usually stop trying once they 'have' you (that is once they have moved in with you, etc), in these relationships they appear like this till they begin to worry about their marriage, then they lie to keep you sweet.

[RecordProducer]

It's hard and it will get only harder. Try and read some of the posts that women have written about their married men. They ALL thought "it's going to be different for me," just to end up feeling like total idiots, screwed up in terms of time and emotions. You're setting up your own trap, girl!

[DoggyDog]

Newbee,

I haven't posted in a while--no reason, just reading the posts. But I can't let this one go without some worldly advice. Get off the team your on with this guy and join another somewhere else. Drop him like he has a contagious desease (maybe he does). Otherwise, you may end up hopelessly attached to this MM and it could go on for years as in my situation (22 yrs) and then "POOFF". No more contact, love or anything else. You'll be "ALONE" without knowing how to cope in your loss of his love. Pain hasn't left yet (going on 6 mos)....No woman should be put thru this test. I know your starting to fall this MM...that's how it starts before you get drawn in for however long til you "DEPART". and you will. If your young, you will be happy with someone new and free. Why get involved and then before you know it, if it should go on and on, your life and age are passing you by and you will be left behind by the man you thought was your world forever. His life as a MM is what he has without you...You my dear, will be left with your life and no one to share it with but yourself.

 

You may not be happy alone but at least you won't have to always wonder about what he's doing being with "HER". He is doing something...don't believe otherwise. Well....I hope you think of what it could be like and what might happen should you decide to try being with this man..."DON'T GO THERE"

 

Take care, L DD

[SoleMate]

rebecki, I know it FELT like he cared/cares, but....think about it. Did he treat you in a caring way? Did he put your interests above his own? Did he treat you the way he would like his sister or daughter to be treated? NO!

 

MM+ OW = PAIN. For the OW, and for the W, and maybe sometimes even for the MM (but usually not).

 

The best way to get him out of your mind is to get BUSY elsewhere. Unfortunately, volleyball and darts are no longer healthy activties for you. Because of what you, and he, did. So find some new activities, and DON'T even let yourself THINK ABOUT or LOOK AT a man who isn't totally available to you (meaning no wife and no gf). Plemty of single men out there, you can have your pick.

[shellys-trying]

I am the wife of a husband who cheated. Take it from me, it doesn't matter even if there isn't any kids involved, the wife is the wife and she will get hurt. I know this message is a few weeks behind but you should leave him alone. Wait for him to straighten his life out with his wife or decides to divorce. Please don't break up this man's marriage. If he wants to be with you or his marriage is in that bad shape, he'll eventually divorce and be free.

Think about it, VERY carefully.

[rebecki7]

I have an update....

 

So about 2 weeks ago, I saw my MM at the bar. Since my mom wasn't there, we were able to talk freely. We just had normal our conversation- how are you, what's new, etc- with our stares and smiles. At one point in the middle of us talking he leaned into me and whispered into my ear "My god you are so beautiful, I can't believe it."

 

We continued talking and he asked me when volleyball started, I told him the middle of May-it is starting the 18th, and I am playing although I know I shouldn't- and he said "I can't wait, it is going to be a great summer" and he smiled at me. What do you think he meant by that?

 

As I was going to leave he waved me over and gave me a HUGE hug and told me he's missed me. Without my mom around it's like he doesn't care who sees us together.

 

 

I like him SO much. I try not to, I try not to think about him, to forget about him, but I can't. I can't stop obsessing over it. I remember every word from his mouth and every touch of his hand. It is driving me crazy. I know that this is awful and that I am a bad person and that I should just walk away, but I feel so much from him. It's indescribable. I don't know....

 

Please continue with the replies and experience, it's appreciated...thank you

[newbee]

"Newbee,

I haven't posted in a while--no reason, just reading the posts. But I can't let this one go without some worldly advice. Get off the team your on with this guy and join another somewhere else. Drop him like he has a contagious desease (maybe he does). Otherwise, you may end up hopelessly attached to this MM and it could go on for years as in my situation (22 yrs) and then "POOFF". No more contact, love or anything else. You'll be "ALONE" without knowing how to cope in your loss of his love. Pain hasn't left yet (going on 6 mos)....No woman should be put thru this test. I know your starting to fall this MM...that's how it starts before you get drawn in for however long til you "DEPART". and you will. If your young, you will be happy with someone new and free. Why get involved and then before you know it, if it should go on and on, your life and age are passing you by and you will be left behind by the man you thought was your world forever. His life as a MM is what he has without you...You my dear, will be left with your life and no one to share it with but yourself.

 

You may not be happy alone but at least you won't have to always wonder about what he's doing being with "HER". He is doing something...don't believe otherwise. Well....I hope you think of what it could be like and what might happen should you decide to try being with this man..."DON'T GO THERE"

 

Take care, L DD" ~QUOTE BY DOGGYDOG

 

hi dd,

did you mean to address this post to me?

if you did, an update on my situation is that it is over and after a few hard months i am starting to realise how glad i am and what a big ape he is. i have seen him around the last couple of days and he is not the hot young charmer i had him for, in fact turns out he is bald, fat, thuggish and he walks with the air of an old man who had his day and got left worse for wear fighting too much in his youth. love truly is blind!

 

(((rebecki)))-poor you! xxx

[shellys-trying]

You need all the luck you can get! If you get what you want, more power to ya, GF, but don't hold your breath on anything lasting Forever....

[RecordProducer]

H-E I-S M-A-R-R-I-E-D ! ! ! ! !

What do you expect from him?Married people don't date girls. They cheat and lie to both their wives and GFs. He is using you for sex. How hard it is to pretend that he loves you when he sees you? He is lying to his wife who he has been with for years. What makes you think that he is honest to you and he doesn't even know you?

Why doesn't he call you every day? Do you imagine that you're both 16 and he is hiding from his mother? He has a wife and a family, for god sake! He wants you to be his sex toy.

It's not hard for you to leave. You DON'T WANT to leave. Admit it! This is fun and exciting for you.

When you get burned, you'll be sorry. If you fall in love with him you'll be in the same situation as all the women here. Read some of the posts. Read Marie's threads.

[shellys-trying]

I am a WIFE, myself, Record Producer. Your before email says what's true, but this poor girl doesn't want to hear the truth.

I've heard most everyone on this board give her some darn good advice, but she doesn't want to hear that.

 

She wants to hear, hey! you got a 50-50 chance, which she does. Everyone has a 50-50 chance of waking up tomorrow in excellent health, does that mean w all will? NO!

 

I give up myself and just wish her all the luck she'll ever need.

[Ladyjane14]

He sounds sleazy.....like a chihauhau that humps your leg. (Those aren't the smoothest pick-up lines ever created is what I'm saying. )

 

Anyway, you can take the true measure of a man when you piss him off. So, give him the sternest rebuff you can. Really go for drawing his anger. Then....observe him and see what happens.

 

You have to really push it to the limit. His first impulse will be to turn on the charm and smooth your ruffled feathers.....maybe even give you the "wounded puppy-dog" routine......'cause obviously you've misunderstood him. So if he goes that route initially, you'll have to dig a little further.

 

I think you'll find that he's not quite the dreamboat you thought he was. So far, you only see what he wants you to see. Make him show more than what he intended.

 

Oh, and btw....do that someplace public enough so that you're safe, but private enough so that you can work it. You can never be too careful.

[rebecki7]

This is an NO WAY fun and exciting to me. I have already fallen in love with him. I do read the other posts, I know I am in the same boat these other women are here, and that is why I come here, to hear from those who have experienced this and know how I feel. I'm sure I will eventually get burned, I know it will hurt, and I know I will deserve it. But right now, I am just looking for some imput from people who have been in my shoes...not just people to tell me it is wrong--I already know that.

[anniegermanos]

Bekki,

 

I'm new here but have been reading posts. It seems that the type of advice that you want to hear is that everything will work out fine for you....Please corrent me if I'm wrong.

 

But if that is the case, I doubt that you will find that kind of support here, as all the pieces of advice given here by all the previous posters were constructive ones, in my opinion, to help you get out of a potential future bad situation.

 

I guess from your posts that you must be very young - probably in your teens or early 20s. And you probably need to or want to make your own experiences. I am now 32 y/o and can tell you that when I was 22 y/o, I too fell in love with a married man. Like they ususally do, he promised me he would leave his wife soon. The only problem (actually for him, lol) is that I have give 2 months max to get a divorce ( I thought that a divorce could be finalized in that period of time or otherwise, he was bull****ing me). He begged me to give me more time. But when the time came and the 2 months were up and I saw that he still hadn't left his wife, I fell into a deep depression. I was feeling allright 6 days out of the week (thanks to my engineering studies). But Sundays were what I would call "dungeons days" for me, where I would could not do anything, not eat, not even talk to my other family members. I would only cover up my head with my blanket and cry the whole day. I did not even think about praying God since I knew that I deserved the punishment I brought up on myself.

 

This man (probably older than you) is enjoying the attention that a younger woman is giving him. That's probably why he wants to keep you in his radar.

 

I guess we could all tell you how wrong this relationship is. But I suspect that you may be just like I was when I was younger. I just wanted to make my own experiences, no matter what other people said. Maybe you do need to make your own experiences. But good luck. Please just remember all the advices that you got, when or if things don't go the way you hoped.

 

Good luck. Just said a little prayer for you.

 

Marie

[newbee]

rebecki,

i HAVE been in a similar position to you and i advise you to quit whilst you are ahead.

if you want to secure this mans 'affection' this is the only way.

as record producer once said-act like a lady. let him chase you, but dont ever let him catch you, not whilst he is still married. YOU can be in the position of power now, but ONLY if thats what you choose.

as soon as you sleep with him for the second time you have lost it, dont make the mistake of thinking "just one more time wont make any difference", it will. once is a mistake, twice is a decision. it completely hands him all of the power, he thinks he has it now, hence the assumption on his part that its going to be a "wonderful summer" or whatever he said. but by not sleeping with him again you are taking it back. that is the only way a woman has the power over a man. in a situation such as this it is all about power because you are already in the weaker position as he is securely married.

if you want to bag this man then that is the only way.

dont think you can secure his affections by sleeping with him some more, that wont work. men dont think like we do, they like to get away with having sex without being trapped by emotion. get the emotions first. you can do this by not sleeping with him anymore and acting like a lady.

i hope this is the kind of advice you were looking for

[shellys-trying]

then take their advice the ones who've been in your shoes and dump him now.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by rebecki7

This is an NO WAY fun and exciting to me. I have already fallen in love with him. I do read the other posts, I know I am in the same boat these other women are here, and that is why I come here, to hear from those who have experienced this and know how I feel. I'm sure I will eventually get burned, I know it will hurt, and I know I will deserve it. But right now, I am just looking for some imput from people who have been in my shoes...not just people to tell me it is wrong--I already know that.

1st of all i have been in your shoes for almost 4years,

you do sound young i do not believe you are in love,

love takes time to grow,

sounds like you are infatuted with him ,

you have slept with him 1x?

how well do you know him to know "you're in love"

i have been in your situation ,

i am not telling you you are wrong ,

but if you keep giving into him ,

you are doing an injustice to YOU,

he has a wife no kids?

then if he is truly"unhappy"

it is much easier to leave if MM has no kids ,

has he said he loves you?

I'm sure not ,because you hardly know each other,

you need to leave him alone &if you really feel you must be with this MM,

tell him when he gets separated or a divorce you may be involved with him ,until then he needs to leave you alone,

and he sounds like a user ,

you are young &life is too short to waste listening to lies.

good luck sweetie

btw

if you keep doing what your doing,

youll keep getting what your getting.

[rebecki7]

Thanks all...those replies are a lot better than just the ones nagging on me and telling me I am wrong. I really appreciate it. And Marie, I am not just looking for someone to tell me everything will be fine, because I know it most likely won't be.

 

Why do things like this have to happen? I never wanted to be this girl, I never planned on liking a married man, especially after my dad cheated on my mom. But now I am and I do, very much. And I know how awful I am for it.

 

To those of you who 'walked away' how did you do it? What did you say? How did you get through?

 

Thanks again, and please keep more coming...

[newbee]

i TRIED to walk away a few times, he then ended up dumping me! i had obviously got too much like hard work since i was beginning to get a bit upset over such things as him saying he was coming round when i was really upset over something else (quite big), but spending the time with his mates intsead and not letting me know just left me sitting there waiting for him. made it clear to me just how far down the list i was. when i complained about it he acted as though i was some kind of demanding poor me, which i can assure you i am not. i am an extremely strong woman.

so after he dumped me i felt awful for a couple of months, now i am over it and him being out of my life (he didnt take up much physical time but headspace and thinking time-loads) has cleared the way for a whole lot of good stuff. i truly think there is opportunity all around you if you choose to see it, but negative emotions stop you from seeing these things.

had i been involved with him i would still have that angst and i dont think i would have been open to the good things that have begun happening.

nothing relationshipwise as yet but i am quite sure that will be next, i at least have some dates lined up and some new social activities and opportunities for meeting people (men).

anyway the realityis never as bad as the fantasy (never as good either), it feels like it would be hard to give up but it wont (for that long) and it is so much better going through the pain of giving something up knowing that thing is not good, then the pain of staying somewhere that is wrong (for you).

you are in a good position rebecki, you havent yet lost a huge amount of self respect, but you will if you carry on. you think you feel bad now-it can get much much worse.

i was only with mine for just over a year, that was pretty bad, but from what i've read in here it gets worse the longer it goes on.

i dont know what else to say but just that if you walk away now you still have the control, if you dont you will hand it to him, for good.

[RecordProducer]

So you know everything and you know it's best for you to get out of the relationship now. But you don't feel like doing it. This has a lot to do with self-respect.

After your dad cheated on your mom, you deal with the pain by accepting that one woman is not enough for a man. So you would rather be the mistress than the victim, because you don't want to feel like your mom did. But you will end up even more hurt.

Just stop communicating with him. When he calls, tell him that you will not pursue this relationship anymore in the future and ask him to never call you again then hang up. If he calls again, just don't pick up the phone. If you meet him, turn around and run for the hills.

You'll get over him easily, it's been just a few times that you've been with him and NO, don't say you're in love with him. What's to love?

Find a normal BF who will be all yours. Not all men cheat on their wives.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by rebecki7

Why do things like this have to happen? I never wanted to be this girl, I never planned on liking a married man, especially after my dad cheated on my mom. But now I am and I do, very much. And I know how awful I am for it.

 

To those of you who 'walked away' how did you do it? What did you say? How did you get through?

 

i used t0 feel that way ,

why me the nice girl ,

who didnt sleep around or date much,worked hard 2 jobs most of the time ,

looking back i hate to say it............

i let it ,i mean at the time i (like u)went w/h my heart ,i went against my own morals ,

like you i had a parent cheat on the other,and you are not awful only human,

please dont make my mistake and stick around and wait ,

5 months ago i did NC with MM,except for emails &IMs ,

ive talked to him on the phone a few times &had a sit down talk 1x,

And you know what he said to me just the other night ,

each time you walk away i appreciate you being in my life more &more ,

he stated to me as well ill be leaving sooner then you think,

im not saying walk away to get him no,

as far as my MM ive told him im not waiting ,

ive wasted too much time &to think about it pisses me off ,

you think you are hurting now?

wait til you get in deep ,

hes apoligized 4 making me feel 2nd best and swears he will make it up to me "one day",

get out while you can ,before you get really attached to him ,

and if he truly cares about you,

and is truly unhappy ,

he will come to you ,

when its right ,

i dont think your awful ,i wish i had someone tell me ,

early on i was in my early 20s native ,

Anyway please just leave him alone &tell him do the same until he gets separted or a divorce,

Best wishes

[rebecki7]

I already am attached to him, I cannot stop thinking about him-obsessing over him. He's told me 'someday' many times, that someday we will get away together and start over. And I truly feel like he does care about me, I know he does.

 

 

And I know that not all men cheat on their wives, and I don't believe that it is right for men to have 2 women...so I still can't understand why I am doing this. I would never want to cause the hurt on someone that my mom went through, so I don't get it...

[erika2610]

Originally posted by rebecki7

I already am attached to him, I cannot stop thinking about him-obsessing over him. He's told me 'someday' many times, that someday we will get away together and start over. And I truly feel like he does care about me, I know he does.

 

 

And I know that not all men cheat on their wives, and I don't believe that it is right for men to have 2 women...so I still can't understand why I am doing this. I would never want to cause the hurt on someone that my mom went through, so I don't get it...

 

You're not a BAD person. That's first of all. Secondly, I don't think any of us thought we would someday be the 'Ow'.. it happens. I truly felt my MM cared about me.. for a year and a half I did. He also told me someday he would leave, he was just there for the kids. You need to leave.. just walk away. When I got tired of it, I just stopped calling him. It was hard.. especially cuz we worked together. But eventually I got through it.. with the help of some friends. And I just realized how much better off I was without him. I never understood why I was with him either.. I think I was just an lonely person with low self esteem, who didn't think I deserved or could do any better. But after a while, I realized I DID deserve better, and so do you.

[RecordProducer]

Do you want him to leave his wife and child(ren) for you? If it were up to you, that's what you would wish, right? You're a great person indeed!

His wife is in the same shoes your mom was. Imagine if your dad left your mom for another woman when you were little.

[rebecki7]

He doesn't have any kids...and I know that doesn't make anything right, just clarifying.

 

And I know his wife is in the same shoes my mom was...that's why i don't understand why I would do this..

[shellys-trying]

You know, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, but we do them because it's the right thing to do.

The right thing to do is tell this guy to take a long walk off of a short pier. He doesn't sound nice at all.

 

There are a lot of ppl out there who do things they don't want to because it's best for them. Choosing to stay with a MM is not the right thing to do.

 

Have more respect for yourself if not the MM's wife. If he's cheating on her, he'll cheat on you. Do you really want to be in her situation? I didn't think so.