OM Left me after 4 years ........

[Hope Shimmers]

Actually OP, your first post (on this thread) was a very edited-out version of what is really going on (which is in your second post).

 

As an aside, those of us on LS who frequently respond to posts can learn a lot from that I think, as the entire situation changes based just on the slant of the post that the OP makes. In terms of infidelity, that could be really significant in that not only do we get only the *selective* information shared by just one party, but we rarely if ever get the other side of the story (from the other half of the relationship) at all. The reality could be - and probably often is - very different than the little bits fed to us.

 

OP, sorry, but you are a hot mess and your entire life exhibits this. As others have said, you are unprofessional in your job (you are actually a supervisor, somehow?) as you have let your personal life interfere with professional matters. No supervisor worth their salt would ever think of doing this.

 

Your first post on this thread is a joke, because the other thread and your posts there prove that you STILL have no intentions of leaving your *supposedly miserable* marriage despite how your main point of the post was the oppposite. From what you said in the second thread, you have since found another guy to screw around with, while you play games with this ex of yours who seems just as dysfunctional as you are, frankly. Still no mention or intent of divorce. So you didn't mean what you said here.

 

You won't get divorced. You never had the first intention of getting divorced. You are game-playing and screwing around. People here in this forum have genuinely been through the pain of infidelity and you made a mockery of it and everyone here who replied in a genuine attempt to help you. Sorry, but that's how I see it.

[Kbomb]

You are right. I think I have confused people with my blah blah blah.

 

But its all the same story, I haven't changed it.

 

Yes I'm still married, but we are separated, but living together. Think whatever you want but I can't leave my husband yet because he can't collect social security yet and he can't support himself, also because of immigration issues.

 

 

My boyfriend was about to be fired for not showing up, I could have saved his job like I have done many times before but I didn't, I advised his supervisor to make his own decision this time, which basically means go ahead and fire him. His chick was calling my staff asking to speak to him on the same day we broke up, I wasn't about to have that happening on a daily basis. period.

 

 

No I don't think he's worth fighting for.....but I miss him. Isn't that strange?

he was my best friend and unlike some people I find it hard to hurt other people.

 

I never lied and I never cheated. I was honest from day 1 with my husband and my ex.

 

Yes Im un professional and Yes I gotta stop playing around at work.

 

Yes Im screwed up and I also feel sorry for my kids. do you think when I got married at 22 this is what I was dreaming my future to be? NO! But he ruined our marriage not me.

 

I don't care anymore wether your advice is hating or constructive. Atleast I'm talking about my problems and venting them here rather than talking to someone or worse calling my EX because thats what I really want to do. But I won't.

 

So either way it helps. Im not a bad person and I know this because I walk in my shoes.

[Kbomb]

@ Hopeshimmers - I am not a Supervisor, I am a Manager.

 

And I do completely intend to divorce my husband because I am not happy I haven't been for years.

 

Don't tell me about genuine pain and infidelity, it has been shoved in my face since the day I got married. How do you think I got this way?

 

I was weak when I was younger for not leaving sooner, but I am stronger now and soon I will leave but right now I can't.

 

I don't want my EX back, but I miss him and want to be friends. But these feeling change daily, one day I hate him for what he did the next I miss him.

 

I already know Im screwed up, you don't need to tell me.

[Hope Shimmers]

You are right. I think I have confused people with my blah blah blah.

 

But its all the same story, I haven't changed it.

 

Yes I'm still married, but we are separated, but living together. Think whatever you want but I can't leave my husband yet because he can't collect social security yet and he can't support himself, also because of immigration issues.

 

Yep... blah blah blah.

 

Excuses and always more excuses. You are no different than any other cheating married person.

 

If you can't leave your husband for all your reasons, then stop cheating and involving other people in your mess until you can. Simple. You are the one who chose to marry. Live up to it or get out of it.

[Lurkeraspect]

Yep... blah blah blah.

 

Excuses and always more excuses. You are no different than any other cheating married person.

 

If you can't leave your husband for all your reasons, then stop cheating and involving other people in your mess until you can. Simple. You are the one who chose to marry. Live up to it or get out of it.

 

Kbomb,

 

There is a lot of truth here. So many times I've read here where people choose to belive that life just happens to them, where they have no control. Of course this is a farce. You control your life (or not) you determine your choices. No one is in control of your life unless you allow them, or give them permission to control your destiny.

 

Anything else is an excuse.

 

Just let this man go. Divorce your husband. Neither relationship sounds healthy or fulfilling. Gain control of your life, protect your kids, give them a strong example and let these weak men go.

[LifeWasted]

So for four years you were stepping out on your husband and he was okay with that? Does your husband have a girlfriend on the side?

 

Interesting.

[Diezel]

Im not a bad person and I know this because I walk in my shoes.

 

Quite the barometer there.

 

The good news, is that you have time to turn your life around. So at least you got that going for yourself.

[introverted1]

But he ruined our marriage not me.

 

This is some powerful denial right here.

 

What about your kids, Kbomb? Why aren't they your first priority? What do you think will be the effect on them of seeing how you've chosen to live your life?

[road]

This post reads rather differently than your other post on the break up board:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524140-he-trashed-our-ltr-girl-he-s-known-3-weeks-i-need

 

I understand you are very hurt and angry but if you try to see things from his point of view, he's a young guy who wants a family and four years is a really long time to be the other man.

 

Sorry you are hurting. Please take care of yourself, focus on your kids, get out of your marriage. I hope you find clarity.

 

 

I read it as the OM was getting sex ed. Graduated to a younger model that has no kids and OM can a have bunch with the new woman.

[Popsicle]

do you think when I got married at 22 this is what I was dreaming my future to be?

 

Although you probably thought you knew it all, you were young and naive at 22 just as your OM is at 22.

[endingpage]

I read it as the OM was getting sex ed. Graduated to a younger model that has no kids and OM can a have bunch with the new woman.

 

Or you can read it that way. Maybe it's different for guys. I was the OW once too and my exMM was the first one (and only so far) I've been with and yeah it may just be sex ed but it really really really hurt when it ended, even if I don't want anything to do with him now. I know I'm older than most when I lost it and I should have definitely known better (don't worry, I still hate myself for getting involved with a married guy and the guilt and self hate are still strong), but it's hard to forget your first. I'm simply just offering another viewpoint of the situation, not at all making excuses for the ****ty things I have done.

 

In any case, OP, I hope you stay away from the OM and just focus on yourself and getting your things together. It will be healthier for you in the long run, I think! You just need to step back a bit from the situation and get some clarity. There's no reason to needlessly involve other people into your mess right now imo so let it go with your OM, your coworker rebound, etc.

Edited April 14, 2015 by endingpage

[Kbomb]

@lifewasted - No I was not stepping out on my husband because e had already decided the love was gone and maybe he has a g/f I'm not sure. He does his thing and I do mine. We get along fine as friends, no hatred, no fighting, no feelings. We are together for convenience and the kids right now.

 

@introverted1 - I did not choose to live my life this way. I made bad choices but I wasnt the only one and circumstances. I never wanted any of this.

My kids are my first priority and thats a fact but I have also been trying to find my own happiness but have gone about it all the wrong way. Unfortunately though my kids do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. Neither do I.

 

@road - You read it wrong and obviously you didn't read it all. Read the post then reply.

 

@popsicle - I didnt think I knew it all at 22, I just want to get married , have kids, a house and white picket fence. Never happened. Also OM lied to me when we met about his age by the time I found out his real age there were feelings involved.

 

@endingpage - It has nothing to do with sex ED the guy that said that is just spiteful! OM was trying to marry me for 4 years. But I did teach him some stuff that's 4 sure. They are almost done he just doesn't know how to kick her out now. You don't know what you got till its gone!

 

You are right though, I need to stop focusing on him and deep down I know when he comes back I wont want him but I could still be friends although I could never touch him again after hes been with that!!

 

And I know im not ready for a new relationship its not fair on anyone so Im cooling it down with my co - worker right now until my head is in a better place.

 

Day by day.

[GypsumSatellite]

KBomb, your post actually saddens me. You were your OMs first everything. He was 22 at the beginning if I'm reading correctly, he got all his relationship knowledge from an older woman who had no intention of leaving her M and... I am struggling not to just yell "YOU PREDATOR". Flip the genders and search around, any almost 30 yr old man getting involved with a virginal 22 year old woman would get lambasted for taking advantage of another human being in that way. He never even got to grow in a typical relationship with you. He didn't even get a real R out of the deal, he got an affair! Lies and secrets and nothing just gloriously open and full of freedom. A prison!

 

And you were his BOSS? Are you kidding me with this? Boundaries, woman, BOUNDARIES.

 

And you're surprised that he wanted, at 26, to have something that felt normal and par for his age? Unfortunately for him, he's got another drama on his hands because he learnt bad relationship behaviors via you for 4 years!

 

I feel sorry for the guy! He's going to have a long road of therapy in his future just down to having been the OM at such a young age!

 

Of course he was trying to marry you for years, he'd obviously been taught when you fall in love you do something about it. Shame he got such an early lesson on the realities of love by someone who "stays for the kids" and is so indifferent to someone she's married to. He deserved a better romance than that.

 

What exactly was it that made you think "Hmm, young guy under my supervision, this is a total GO"? Seriously? You weren't put off by such vastly different phases of life? Think about how much he would have had to constantly tried to keep up with your life experience, even if you acted his age!

 

I just... it's not just that you should D your H and move past that sailed ship but research a good therapist who can help you work out why you did what you did and how to sort that out so you have better Rs in the future that fulfill you AND your partner. It's out there. It's doable. It's going to be work. And trust that your children deserve to see better relationship role-models than you and H.

 

Also, stop tainting the work pool with the fishing for more Rs. If there's an HR hell, it's this. Get yourself together. You have the potential to be better than this. It's within your realm of doing. Just stop spiraling into a coma of bad decisions. Stop.

Edited April 17, 2015 by GypsumSatellite

[Kbomb]

@Gypsum - I have made bad decisions in my life and I know that. and my story also saddens me. This is not what I dreamed of when I was a little girl.

 

Like I said in my earlier post - When I first met OM he lied to me about his age, I thought he was only 4 years younger than me, He even lied and said he had a 5 year old son. By the time I found out the truth I already had deep feelings for him.

 

My H is 21 years older than me. I was 19 and he was 40 when we met. He's an old man now but he is not innocent. He cheated on me for many years and spent years in prison. I know I should have left years ago but I was young and foolish and I really wanted ''my family'' to work. Over the years there was resentment and we grew apart. But like I said earlier there are reasons, not excuses why we are still married on paper. We get along as friends so its good for the kids.

 

OM knew my situation when we met, because my husband told him that we weren't together like that. They were friends. OM pursued me knowing everything.

 

When we first got together I talked at length with OM about my situation, having kids and the age gap. He said he did not care and that he loved me and was willing to wait. We had this talk many many times over the years.

 

I hired OM because he needed a job about a year into our relationship. Its not like I met him at work. I know now that was a mistake.

 

I have realized that until I D my H and move on I can't have a real relationship with any man, so I am going to work on that.

 

I have been talking to my H about me and the kids moving out. I am going to find a place to rent because I guess this arrangement is not healthy. I do not know how my H will pay his bills because he can't look after himself so I guess I will be paying both bills until he is old enough to collect SS because I won't have my kids sit by and watch their father fade away because I left him, that happened before the last time I left and I can't watch it happen again. when his immigration issues are clear I will file for D.

 

Despite how dysfunctional it all was I had a very loving and happy relationship with OM for 4 years. It was beautiful and we were deeply in love and happy - we even built a house together that now sits empty. We had plans for the future.

 

I think OM had deep insecurities about not being able to have kids that he did not share with me. He was trying to get me pregnant but after 4 years nothing. I was on the Depo shot before I met him and I think this may be why because I heard it can take years to wear off. In any case Im glad it never happened because if that is the reason he left then he was a scumbag.

 

I think he cheated just to see if he can get a girl pregnant, when this girl told him she was pregnant he decided I was the problem and left. He later found out she lied. He is miserable and I think they are almost over now, she was rebound and every decision he made was way too quick. And all of that shows how immature he really is.

 

The co - worker I was dating pursued me immediately after the breakup, I was lonely and hurt and I needed someone. I have ended that because my feelings weren't in it.

 

I am not ''right'' in any of this I know that. But neither am I a predator. I am just a girl that is trying to find happiness like everyone else. But I have made all the wrong choices for so long, maybe I will never be right.

 

I don't want OM back anymore, I did at first but not now. I could be his friend though because I do not understand how people can hate someone they once loved? but in saying that he has hurt me too much and I see his true colors now. it was never meant to be. Lucky it happened now while Im still young enough to find someone real.

 

Thanks for your help, I am messed up and I know it.

[sandylee1]

Marrying a man twice your age at 19, was probably the start of your problems. I'd be mad if my 19 married a man that much older. When did you start dating him? Get to know him, before marrying at 19. I bet people warned you against it at the time, ,but you never listened.

 

I have to say leaving a relationship if your not having kids and want them, doesn't make him a scumbag. Why should he accept a childless life.

 

You sound so sad and it's not good for your kids to see this relationship. If your H was single, how would he manage financially? Would he not be eligible for any benefits?

Right now it seems your H is something of a burden to you. It's a really dysfunctional home. This will have an effect on the type of relationships your kids end up having. This sham marriage, is normal to them.

 

I have to say if I found out a man lied about having a child, I'd probably end it. Why lie about something like that? I don't understand why. What else could he have lied about that you don't know. You need to start thinking with your head more than your heart, because so far thinking with the heart hasn't worked out too well for you.

[Kbomb]

We met when I was 19, we married when I was 22. You are right that was my first mistake.

 

But really though.....you think that cheating on me to ''see'' if he can have kids and then leaving me because he ''thinks'' I can't without even talking to me about the problem does not make him a scumbag??

 

He could have the problem for all we know....I already have two kids.

 

Wow.

[loveboid]

Sometimes marrying young with that age difference is true love. Most often it's not. Could it be that he took advantage of you and you don't owe staying married to him?

[Kbomb]

Its not about owing him though, its about my Kids.

 

If we had no kids, it would be easy.

[sandylee1]

We met when I was 19, we married when I was 22. You are right that was my first mistake.

 

But really though.....you think that cheating on me to ''see'' if he can have kids and then leaving me because he ''thinks'' I can't without even talking to me about the problem does not make him a scumbag??

 

He could have the problem for all we know....I already have two kids.

 

Wow.

 

I thought he left you because you weren't able to marry him. I guess I didn't see it as cheating on you, because your married.

 

You're right in that the problem or issue could be with him, as you already have kids.

 

Looks like he just didn't see a future with you. From his perspective, he probably thinks you'll never get divorced. Even if as you say, your H knows you have a lover, it's not a great relationship for him to be in.

 

Figure out how to exit the marriage and get some stability for yourself.....and the kids.

[Noproblem]

Kids get broken more from a dysfunctional marriage where the mother and dad don't love each other than from divorce ..

 

I am sorry that happened to you

 

 

But cheating was not the answer, you should have got divorced and build your life all over again..

 

 

You are still young and you can start over

 

leave that husband and start fresh!

Edited April 17, 2015 by Noproblem

[Donate]

Im very unhappily married with two kids. My husband is much older than me and we have not been in love for years! he cheated on me many times in the past as well. we have not slept together in over 5 years, i work and pay all the bills.

 

I have been married for over 15 years and could never get the courage to leave, I was scared to ruin my kids lives.

 

I fell in deeply in love with a wonderful man about 4 years ago and we have not really been hiding our relationship, and it was amazing... but I never left my husband.

 

Long story short - After 4 years of a very beautiful passionate love affair he left me, out of the blue, he found someone else....he wants to get married and have kids.

 

He told me that if I loved him I would have left my husband after 2 years but he waited 4 years.

 

I just want to tell anyone in a similar situation please don't make my mistake.

 

Leave and marry the one you love.

 

I lost someone the same way. She stayed for 10 years, but it was me the married man that had to make her leave. I had 2 kids and did not have the courage to leave and was wasting her time...she deserved better.

[Kbomb]

Donate -

 

Do you regret your decision?

 

Are you still unhappily married?

 

Why didn't you leave?

 

10 years is a very long time......she must have really loved you.

[Donate]

Donate -

 

Do you regret your decision?

 

Are you still unhappily married?

 

Why didn't you leave?

 

10 years is a very long time......she must have really loved you.

 

Hi Kbomb

 

Glad you asked. Well after about 2 years I met someone who gave me the strength and courage to leave. I should have left long before I did and it was the best thing that has happened to me [leaving]. I felt/feel this person was sent to me for this very reason....she stuck with me through the whole messy divorce process and served as an emotional and physical crutch.

 

Why didn't I leave...perhaps a bit of many reasons. Wanting to do the right thing, not feeling that my OW was the 'perfect' match [her kid and family], guilt, fear, not wanting to leave my kids.

 

In hindsight everything worked out, I'm married again to a pretty good wife and best of all I am free of the evil person I was married too for so long. As for the person I loved when I was married the first time. Sometimes I still dream about her and I still love her inside. But life goes on...

[Kbomb]

Donate -

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so happy that you finally got the courage to leave. I understand there are many reasons why people stay this way.

 

I hope I can have such a happy ending and get the courage to leave and find someone that I know is right for me as well.

 

I think deep down I always knew it would never work with my OM.

 

We are looking for different things out of life. We are at different life stages.

 

I miss him though and think I will always love him as well, despite the horrible ending.

[Lurkeraspect]

Donate -

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so happy that you finally got the courage to leave. I understand there are many reasons why people stay this way.

 

I hope I can have such a happy ending and get the courage to leave and find someone that I know is right for me as well.

 

I think deep down I always knew it would never work with my OM.

 

We are looking for different things out of life. We are at different life stages.

 

I miss him though and think I will always love him as well, despite the horrible ending.

 

You can "love" him all you want and miss him too. Doesn't matter, he's moved on with his life. He finally has a single woman who is free to give him all the things he can give to her. You had 4 years to get your life in order, to divorce, and you didn't. Anything you say after that is nothing more than an excuse. You stayed right where you wanted to be, and led this man on for years.

 

I'm glad he's moved on from this toxic dynamic. About time you did too.