Comfortably Numb

[cja]

I'm writing because expressing my thoughts through the written word comes so much easier to me than through the spoken word. I find myself reading through so many of the stories here, and I truly take some comfort in all of them. I appreciate them and the real people behind the hurt. Relationships are hard, man. Life gets real.

 

I'm still standing around watching the sunrise and set at the crossroads of my separation. I don't know what to do and feel no confidence in any decision. Should I try to work on things with my husband or move forward with a divorce, or at least a legal separation? We are already physically separated as I moved from our house at the end of 2014. He told me he wanted to let me go and get a divorce while he was out biking the coast trail, and this time in his saying he didn't want to be with me, I somehow had the nerve to just leave. I knew deep down he would be back home and then want to somehow work on things under the pretense that I needed to fulfill him in some improved way. I was done.

 

Then about a month and a half later, when I was getting more comfortable in my acceptance of this new life without my former partner in it, he comes back and says he wants me back. I enter into conversation with trepidation, nothing makes sense and I get the sense he's trying to get one over on me. I tell him that I accept the separation and divorce in the best way that I can but that I do not want to try again under the guise that I need to somehow be more worthy of his love. I was doing the best I could and though flawed I did not deserve to be left via text message from the California coast. When I would not budge from my direction toward having him stick to his original decision to divorce me, he dropped his affair in my lap. And my even-keeled mind went to the crapper.

 

It is such a difficult, seemingly insurmountable mountain to climb. And I don't know if I should keep going on this climb, or alternatively realize that this mountain range is nothing more than a steep, yet narrow isolated butte that I needn't bother climb. Anyone out there who was left, intentionally, who made it out better on the other side? or just any words of wisdom...

 

"Hello, is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?

 

The child is grown. The dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb." Pink Floyd

[Yasuandio]

With enough completely outrageous betrayals, sometimes the one who abandons their spouse ends up creating their own abandonment.

 

It appears that the "comfortably numb" feeling or conclusion you've arrived at, is not exactly an invitation to "reconcile." In fact, it sounds to me that his sudden presence and his renewed interest in reuniting didn't really move you, at all.

 

Why should the abrupt introduction of the affair incident change your position? And why didn't he start with the truth of the affair to begin with? What happened, did the affair just not work out? Who cares, right? I understand how you feel, comfortable numb.

 

As you said, "Life gets real." Here are the real facts.

 

1. He said he "wanted to let you go and get a divorce."

 

2. He said "He didn't want to be with you."

 

3. You learned your husband no longer wanted you via a text message.

 

The is no mountain to climb with this man. If you think long and hard, you probably have seen this pattern of behavior before (maybe not in your relationship - but perhaps elsewhere in his life). History tends to repeat itself.

 

I would not make any decisions in your state of mind, at this time. "Comfortably numb" can mean a number of things -- deep reflection, signs of depression, or simply going through the stages of grieving. But, either way, it seems you need time. There will be another dream. And we are here. Yas

Edited April 13, 2015 by Yasuandio

[cja]

[quote=Yasuandio;6268419

 

As you said, "Life gets real." Here are the real facts.

 

1. He said he "wanted to let you go and get a divorce."

 

2. He said "He didn't want to be with you."

 

3. You learned your husband no longer wanted you via a text message.

 

The is no mountain to climb with this man. If you think long and hard, you probably have seen this pattern of behavior before (maybe not in your relationship - but perhaps elsewhere in his life). History tends to repeat itself.

 

I would not make any decisions in your state of mind, at this time. "Comfortably numb" can mean a number of things -- deep reflection, signs of depression, or simply going through the stages of grieving. But, either way, it seems you need time. There will be another dream. And we are here. Yas

 

I am a teacher by trade, a schoolmarm at heart: thank you for the lesson. I was defensive when I first read it: life gets real (quoting myself back to me, so very classy), before rattling off facts of my situation. I don't like to look squarely at the facts: he left me from the road by text message (after ten years together). It seems so cold and my obviously not comfortably numb mind rebles, yet it really is so simple. It IS cold: what he did was just that. And I don't even mention that he chose my 33rd birthday to profess his love to his Affair Partner and commence in future faking. I'm hurting and in pain, not numb I suppose.

 

 

We still see each other, taking walks in the parks and such. I have always loved walking and I finally got him on board with the seemingly mundane activity some years ago. So we still love this but I just don't know anymore. I don't think he wants to be with me or has taken the time to seriously analyze what he wants out of a partnership. I think his affair was fear based AND his wanting to be back with me was ALSO fear based. He does not like talk of committment. HE still seems distant and blaming (although in a very new age 'it's not you, it's me' light. THough it ultimately comes down to us. He doesn't like to look at that.

 

I don't know. I have to wake up in five hours. Goodnight then.

[Yasuandio]

I was an art teacher many years, turned research professor. All that that over-education gets your mind trained to analyze information as if it were data, ever people's feelings and thoughts can be quantified.

 

That said, sometimes it's not a bad idea to remind yourself of the COLD HARD FACTS, so to avoid "La-La Land," (ala Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love). To love, honor, and protect ourselves, boundaries have to be drawn and kept.

 

It appears a line was drawn in the sand when CJA determined she would he the words "I don't want to be with you," the last straw, so to speak. CJA created a safe nest away from hurtful words of rejection, perhaps a place to become "comfortably numb" and heal. I can only guess, and derive my own interpretation, based on your story, I cannot help but to project somewhat, as I am human.

 

Soon after, the source of the pain and rejection entered the world of the safe nest. The wounds are reopened, and CJA's "even-keeled mind went into the crapper," in her own words. He has still not left the picture.

 

If you bear with me, it is interesting to look at the sequence of events as two interesting research studies in cause and effect, that you can easily compare.

 

Let's sat the first study was stimulated by you first taking the apartment, aka a Healing Nest [HN]. According to the treatment plan you underwent at the new residence, away from the rejection, you came to Acceptance [A], per your posts. You used the term Even-Keeled [EK] as something subtracted from the equation when your spouse entered your life again, and introduced the affair [A] he had. Therefore, before spouse entered the picture [bS], you were moving towards Acceptance and were at least Even-Keeled:

 

HN/BS = EK + A <

 

You continue to have contact with him [sC], and even go on the walks together as you used to [W]. You ate an intelligent person, and, after careful thought, you've arrives at an analysis that his Affair [AF] was Fear-Based [FB], and his Return [R] is also Fear-Based. With all these Treatment and Analysis factors in mind, you find yourself Hurting and in Pain [HP].

 

HN/EK/A < + SC/AF/W X [A/FB + R/FB] = HP

 

 

If the goal of a third study might be to achieve a comfortably numb [CN] state or feeling in the subject (as opposed to hurting and pain), and restore at least EK, how might the TREATMENT PLAN be changed to alter the results?

 

My research questions for third study would be as follows:

 

1. How can treatment plan be deigned enhance the purpose of the "Healing Nest?"

 

2. What current treatment methods could be reduced or subtracted (on an hourly, daily or weekly basis) to restore at least EK in subject?

 

(NOTE. It is important to begin with small steps in lifestyle intervention of human subjects).

 

In conclusion, in my opinion there is a deep, extremely non-therapeutic event taking place each you are confronted by "Cheater Textbook" blame-shifting, distance, and lack of commitment. In combination with aforementioned, I believe additional "Cheater Textbook" phrases such as "it's not you, it's me," and so forth, are the equivalent of gaslighting. All you have to do is look at the downward trajectory of your own data.

 

He is with you, but he is not with you (again). That's my take.

 

I hope you did not find my analysis off-setting. It sort of helped me also. I've been through the same thing (26 years married, a four year protracted gamey divorce). One thing I will leave with you that has often helped me: It can always be much worse. You are a young woman, you are figuring this guys MO out early. Thank your lucky stars for that. In my case, I always think about this story in one of the LS No Contact Rule posts: It says something to the effect, "try going to a cancer ward and tell your problems to people that are about to take a dirt nap." Something about that quote really put things in perspective for me. Cheer up. Yas