How to get past negative views of women?

[jay1983]

I thought men who had witnessed violent domestic abuse were more likely to do the same to their female partners or use violence as a means to get their own way in life, than men brought up in non violent homes. I have also seen the figure of "twice as likely" to be physically abusive, applied to these men.

 

No, we can be hot tempered and resort to violence, but not toward women.

[GravityMan]

I agree with much of JuneJulySeptember's post. At the very least, cut way down on the time you spend here or on similar forums on the internet. While there are plenty of good wise people here who mean well and truly want to help...the negativity and combativeness prevalent on forums like LS can just make a person's bad internal situation (such as yours, OP) even worse if the guy's already depressed or feeling negative or bitter to begin with. OTOH, people with decent self-esteem who are open-minded, who have decently perceptive "BS filters" and are wise enough not to take this place TOO seriously tend to fare more positively here, whether they're seeking advice or providing help or are just here for fun.

 

Shyness is a curse to a man. I've tried to put myself out there, got some dates, but i have failed. I don't have the self esteem to go through multiple rejections to get to the limited women who are attracted to me *and* are ok with shyness/awkwardness.

 

I think women think shy guys are pu$$ys but I'm not. I've told many a bosses off and have had near shouting matches at work. This is when I was in auto service mind you, a male dominated industry so butting heads want't out of the norm.

 

The bolded isn't really a good indicator that you're not shy...or more accurately, that you're not insecure. Some shy people tend to keep their feelings and thoughts bottled up too much & for too long...and eventually someone will push their buttons in the "wrong" way, causing the shy person to suddenly erupt, potentially expressing their feelings in an upset or some other dramatic way. (Side note - perhaps N/A to you: this is one of the big reasons why many people feel a bit uncomfortable around those who are unusually quiet.)

 

Better indicators of non-shyness: Does the person look the other in the eye and confidently and calmly state what they're thinking, or just start up a random conversation about whatever? Does he maintain eye contact and a steady voice when confronted or constructively criticized...i.e. does he avoid getting unnecessarily sensitive? Does the person seem reasonably comfortable being him/herself around other people, including strangers, people he doesn't know well, and his superiors at work? Is the person spontaneous? Is he willing to just "go for it" without worrying about what others think? Can he be jokey/silly/humorous on a dime while out in public, again without caring about what others think?

 

Sometimes a reality check is in order.

 

When frequenting forums like this, it's easy to get caught up in 'men are this - and women are that' mentality. Sites like this attract negativity, because most people enjoying a happy relationship won't be visiting places like LS very often.

 

It's all people trying to make sense of the opposite sex and second guessing what other people are thinking & feeling.

 

I'm not dissing LS, it's been an invaluable place for me to draw strength from since my LTR ended. But there is a lot of people going through crappy or awkward times posting on here. It highlights everything that is hard about meeting 'the one'.

 

I know your own personal experiences have had a negative effect on you. It's not just reading about it. You will get some great advice here, but the point I am eventually getting at is...

 

Everyone is an individual, not all women are the same. Every person out there has their own values, beliefs, experiences and goals. It is just a process of eventually finding the ones that fit with yours.

 

Take on board the advice here which you feel will help you, but don't get sucked into the 'dating is a game' attitude, or that all women want X,Y & Z, or they all think and behave the same way, because they don't.

 

Think about it, does every man you've ever known share the same characteristics? No, because we're all different.

 

Women think, feel and want love just as much you do.

 

Pretty much this. I'd also add that single people who are happy with themselves and their lives probably don't spend all day on LS (or similar) either. I think your post helps illustrate why it's important not to over-think things when it comes to dating, romance or interacting with the opposite sex in general. Most people who seem to do poorly on the dating scene either don't really try at all (often due to insecurity or fear) or they try/think too hard.

[SJC2008]

Give some examples of actual things that happened where your Mum insisted you were wrong.

My mum would put me down occasionally and I remember explicitly what the details were. I was young so didn't stand up for myself so by the time I was 17 I as painfully shy.

By the time I was 18 I had taken measures to eradicate my shyness. I set a time frame of doing things seriously out of my comfort zone.

You need to do the same thing and set yourself a plan of action.

No one, absolutely no one just grows up from being a child and doesn't continue growing.

We grow up all of our lives.

 

 

'It's not fair' is an entitled statement.

Life isn't a bed a roses, every single one of us has to take responsibility for ourselves.

I'm not implying that you don't but someone who doesn't take responsibility is the number one sign of a person who could go on to be controlling/abusive.

You can take responsibility for your shyness by working on it and not blaming your mum and women in general.

 

 

You can also look back on things in your life where something went wrong and accept your part in them.

I don't quite understand your paragraph about your ex when you were 17. Can you re-explain it?

 

Completely emotionally unavailable, cold,unaffectionate. I could never please her. The funny thing is she was never verbally or physically abusive. She never "told" me I wasn't good enough but her actions did.

 

One of my earliest memories of her is when i was 4 or 5. We were going out, we stopped of at a corner store abd i got a candy bar, a king size and she got mad. The first thing she did when we got home was to tell my dad that I got a king size as if I was some selfish glutton. My dad said "he's a kid". My dad was no saint but ge was way more affectionate than my mom.

 

As much as I resent my mother it wasn't all her who broke me down. My father could be verbally abusive and there were other things I went through that destroyed me.

 

My 1st gf broke up with me because I was shy and didn't make a move. She told My co-workers that she did't feel like she had a bf, tokd one girl "you can have him". The most humuiliating was when I kissed her goodbye at work. I had never kissed a girl, of course nobody knew this. Well on of my female coworkers put me on the spot and told me to kiss her good bye. I kissed more on the side of her cheek, hardly on the lips. She told the my co-worker that it wasn't a real kiss and of course that got around to most everyone.

Edited April 15, 2015 by SJC2008

[SJC2008]

I personally disagree with the advice to stop visiting a forum such as LS. Maybe scaling back your frequency, but there are gold ingots of wisdom nestled away in this site. Reading other people's struggles with dating and relationships, reading different point of views, helped me better understand women and dating. Of course having an open mind and positive thinking is required.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just to attempt to try to draw a parallel, I never knew my biological mother. She gave me up to my biological father at an early age, like 3 or 4. My father remarried to my mother, who I love, and she loves me. But of course there is a small part of me, unconsciously is angry at the abandonment by my biological mother. In addition, my biological mother was not affection at all. Explains why I seek out a woman for romantic interest that is also affectionate. I was told much later as an adult that my biological mom used to punch her belly while she was pregnant with me, to stop me from squirming around. Maybe because I was keeping her from sleeping. Good times. I also learned that she has a history of abandoning her children. Before me and after me, she's had children with other men, and just keeps abandoning her children. She gets the Mother of the Century award.

 

I'm lucky my (adoptive?) mother is very caring. But there is small part of me that is affected by my biological mother's actions which in turn, for a lack of a better term, makes me "needy". I tend to get attached to a woman easily and get effusive a bit. In a way, I am acting out my urge to appease my biological mother and earn her love. I have chased after women that were wrong for me, even women that showed clear signs of disinterest. I figured persistence would win them over. Obviously, and for educational purposes, that is not the case.

 

I've been clawing my way out of the unhealthy behavior, and still struggling with it, because it's some deep-seated subconscious thing. You could even call it my personal demon I am fighting. What does help me is I counterbalance my strong emotional desire to connect with a woman that is wrong for me, with cold, hard logic of her actions. If a woman is not showing me any interest, she's definitely not interested. Here's a real life example. I went on a date with a woman a week ago. It was a two hour date. The entire date she only asked three questions about me. Only three. One was about where I live, the other if I live on my own, and I forget the third one. The point is, they weren't personal, get-really-know-me, questions. Just superficial ones. Clearly she had no interest. The date ended and I was disappointed that yet again I'm drudging through the dating scene, with nothing to garner from it. A couple of days ago, my needy side -- and the subconscious part trying to gain my biological mother's love -- came up with the idea to possibly invite her to a cool tea and pastry cafe I discovered. I entertained the idea for a while, until my logical side kicked in and went through the motion that this woman didn't even reach out to me at all after the date. She showed absolutely no interest in me during the date, barely even looked me in the eye too as a kicker. I had thought she was shy, but sh*t, that's just my needy side grasping for an excuse to try harder, chase her, when in reality her actions were very clear that she wasn't interested.

 

Now how does my story help you? Think positive, learn to trust, make peace with your past and yourself. Accept that what your mother did to you is not your fault, and outside of your control. Your resentment stems from you trying to gain control over the ordeal your mother put you through. You look at other women, and your first instinct is to protect yourself. Your resentment of women is a coping mechanism. Even as an adult, you are trying to protect that little child in you that was unjustly hurt by his mother. You didn't fully understand what was happening to you at the time, until much later in life. Now it's just a defense mechanism that kicks in. You have to find a way to stop, or at least, ease it from kicking in. No one, not even a therapist, will be able to resolve this for you, except just you alone. This advice, or some therapist's, are just guidelines to assist you with resolving this. You just have to make an effort, each and everyday. If you do, you'll realize one day that you can open your heart up to a good woman.

 

Hope that helps a little.

 

Thank you for sharing and relating. You have a gift that many people lack IMO, self awareness. I started becoming self aware a couple years ago, it has helped me and I know what type of women to avoid. It is hard to ignorw those primal urges though.

[SJC2008]

Um.. we weren't bashing older men for liking younger women. We were fighting the idea that they're better than women their own age.

 

My own insecurities are tipped off here, because of all of that hatred shown towards women. I'm almost 40, and men my age have been "preferring younger women" for a while now. My self-esteem has taken hits, but I've tried not to blame men as a whole, because I know they/you aren't all this way. Whenever I'm here, or even on a dating site, I feel like I've run out of time. That isn't fair.

 

So SJC, I don't know, because I'm in a similar boat. Shyness is a curse to women, too. I wasn't sure if a man was showing interest in me the other night, when he made comments to me out of nowhere. I freeze up, and my mind rushes for a response, if one is required. Sometimes you don't know - it happens to me a lot. I've shot myself in the foot before.

 

Anela, you're a good woman and I know you have struggled with men and been wronged by them. Even though I resent women I still call it how I see it, I don't take sides "because". I know you didn't say that, I just wanted to throw that out there since it's been a while since I've posted.

[SJC2008]

I thought men who had witnessed violent domestic abuse were more likely to do the same to their female partners or use violence as a means to get their own way in life, than men brought up in non violent homes. I have also seen the figure of "twice as likely" to be physically abusive, applied to these men.

 

Tha's the "that's the apple doen't fall far feom the tree logic". Sure there's a higher chance of going down that road but not all "hurt people, hurt people. Sorry for all the quotes lol. One of the things I did pick up from my dad yas the yelling though. I hold my anger until I explode. It's gotten better as I've gotten older though but I have a ways to go.

[SJC2008]

I agree with much of JuneJulySeptember's post. At the very least, cut way down on the time you spend here or on similar forums on the internet. While there are plenty of good wise people here who mean well and truly want to help...the negativity and combativeness prevalent on forums like LS can just make a person's bad internal situation (such as yours, OP) even worse if the guy's already depressed or feeling negative or bitter to begin with. OTOH, people with decent self-esteem who are open-minded, who have decently perceptive "BS filters" and are wise enough not to take this place TOO seriously tend to fare more positively here, whether they're seeking advice or providing help or are just here for fun.

 

 

 

The bolded isn't really a good indicator that you're not shy...or more accurately, that you're not insecure. Some shy people tend to keep their feelings and thoughts bottled up too much & for too long...and eventually someone will push their buttons in the "wrong" way, causing the shy person to suddenly erupt, potentially expressing their feelings in an upset or some other dramatic way. (Side note - perhaps N/A to you: this is one of the big reasons why many people feel a bit uncomfortable around those who are unusually quiet.)

 

Better indicators of non-shyness: Does the person look the other in the eye and confidently and calmly state what they're thinking, or just start up a random conversation about whatever? Does he maintain eye contact and a steady voice when confronted or constructively criticized...i.e. does he avoid getting unnecessarily sensitive? Does the person seem reasonably comfortable being him/herself around other people, including strangers, people he doesn't know well, and his superiors at work? Is the person spontaneous? Is he willing to just "go for it" without worrying about what others think? Can he be jokey/silly/humorous on a dime while out in public, again without caring about what others think?

 

 

 

Pretty much this. I'd also add that single people who are happy with themselves and their lives probably don't spend all day on LS (or similar) either. I think your post helps illustrate why it's important not to over-think things when it comes to dating, romance or interacting with the opposite sex in general. Most people who seem to do poorly on the dating scene either don't really try at all (often due to insecurity or fear) or they try/think too hard.

 

Edit: I misunderstood what you said about being shy, I agree with you.

Edited April 15, 2015 by SJC2008
Edit

[regine_phalange]

It would help to see your mother as someone who's equal to you. If you feel like a victim then you unconsciously think that you are "above" her, or above the women who rejected you. Feeling like a victim allows you to feel superior, right? But you forget, the victim is equal to the perpetuator because they're both human and they both suffer, for different reasons. Life isn't black and white. You are not a helpless child, you are an adult now. See your mother for who she is and move on. The women who rejected you had their own reasons, and quite possibly their own fights to give. You can't go through life feeling like a victim, it doesn't bring happiness because it's a self-absorbed way to live.

 

P.S. My mum was like yours too. Detached. But then I grew up and talked to her, and found out how she felt and what she was thinking. We ended up helping each other. She never meant harm. She was only clueless.

Edited April 15, 2015 by regine_phalange

[GemmaUK]

Because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength, they may ally themselves with the abuser and lose respect for their seemingly helpless mother. Abusers typically play into this by putting the mother down in front of her children and telling them that their mother is “crazy” or “stupid” and that they do not have to listen to her. Seeing their mothers treated with enormousdisrespect, teaches children that they can disrespect women the way their fathers do

 

 

 

 

Re resenting your mother. See bold.

 

 

I just copied your bolded part and bolded the relevant parts as it reiterates what I said in that men who witness abuse are less likely to do it themselves and due to finding it horrific behaviour and those who are more likely to do it themselves are those who adopt the same values and beliefs about women as a man who abuses or a man who believes himself to be the top dog of the house and sees his wife as someone who is their to cater to his needs.

[GemmaUK]

Completely emotionally unavailable, cold,unaffectionate. I could never please her. The funny thing is she was never verbally or physically abusive. She never "told" me I wasn't good enough but her actions did.

 

One of my earliest memories of her is when i was 4 or 5. We were going out, we stopped of at a corner store abd i got a candy bar, a king size and she got mad. The first thing she did when we got home was to tell my dad that I got a king size as if I was some selfish glutton. My dad said "he's a kid". My dad was no saint but ge was way more affectionate than my mom.

 

As much as I resent my mother it wasn't all her who broke me down. My father could be verbally abusive and there were other things I went through that destroyed me.

 

My 1st gf broke up with me because I was shy and didn't make a move. She told My co-workers that she did't feel like she had a bf, tokd one girl "you can have him". The most humuiliating was when I kissed her goodbye at work. I had never kissed a girl, of course nobody knew this. Well on of my female coworkers put me on the spot and told me to kiss her good bye. I kissed more on the side of her cheek, hardly on the lips. She told the my co-worker that it wasn't a real kiss and of course that got around to most everyone.

 

Realistically, on the king size versus normal size candy it is a bit greedy when someone picks the biggest possible option.

It's a well known fact that kids will sometimes eat until they are sick hence why children have smaller food portions until they grow up. That's why we have happy meals. It's not solely for the toy.

 

 

Did your mom not feed you, look after you when you hurt yourself, read to you at night when you were tiny, clothe you?

But also she was most likely taking care of you, your dad and the home and if she worked too then all of the responsibility was on her plate. Her husband also hit her and was likely controlling and emotionally abusive too before any of the physical stuff happened.

She was probably exhausted and drained and something has to slip when that happens as not one of us could hold that many balls. I think what slipped was her affection. It can be a tough thing to try to introduce back into a parent child relationship once a habit is ingrained.

 

 

I just also saw your posts where you say you told bosses off and shout at people at work. Why would that happen?

It's really rare that people in the work place actually shout.

What was that over?

[Frank2thepoint]

Children who grow up observing their mothers being abused, especially by their fathers, grow up with a role model of intimate relationships in which one person uses intimidation and violence over the other person to get their way. Because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength, they may ally themselves with the abuser and lose respect for their seemingly helpless mother. Abusers typically play into this by putting the mother down in front of her children and telling them that their mother is “crazy” or “stupid” and that they do not have to listen to her. Seeing their mothers treated with enormous disrespect, teaches children that they can disrespect women the way their fathers do. Most experts believe that children who are raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve conflicts and problems. They may replicate the violence they witnessed as children in their teen and adult relationships and parenting experiences. Boys who witness their mothers’ abuse are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. For girls, adolescence may result in the belief that threats and violence are the norm in relationships.

Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

 

Re resenting your mother. See bold.

 

I disagree with this psychobabble. My father was abusive to my mother and me. Which turns out he got from his father, who was abusive to him and his brothers. I hated my father for being a coward that decided to abuse his family, instead of communicate with us. When my parents divorced -- initiated by my mother -- my father asked me to choose him or her. I proudly and gladly chose my mother over him. I never disrespected my mother, any girlfriends, or female friends. And I sure as hell never was violent toward any woman in my life. This is the problem with psychobabble. It assumes the worst about a person.

[elaine567]

I just copied your bolded part and bolded the relevant parts as it reiterates what I said in that men who witness abuse are less likely to do it themselves and due to finding it horrific behaviour and those who are more likely to do it themselves are those who adopt the same values and beliefs about women as a man who abuses or a man who believes himself to be the top dog of the house and sees his wife as someone who is their to cater to his needs.

 

Men who witnessed their father battering their mother as children are more likely to abuse, unless preventative measures are put in place.

Daughters who witnessed wife battering are also more likely to be abused as adults by their partners.

 

A child’s exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.

Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family, APA, 1996

Little boys who grow up in homes where domestic violence is occurring are 100 times more likely to become abusers than boys in violence-free homes. Senator Joseph Biden, Violence Against Women: Victims of the System (Washington D.C.: U.S. Senate Committee on the Judiciary

[elaine567]

The OP is already resenting women, and he has identified the problem of his abusive father and his emotionally unavailable/passive aggressive abused mother, he needs counselling to work through those feelings else the resentment which he already feels, may indeed progress to violence against women.

The abusive template is already in place; it needs replaced by a better one ASAP IMO.

[Hawaii51]

Realistically, on the king size versus normal size candy it is a bit greedy when someone picks the biggest possible option.

 

He was a 4-5 yr old boy, what is wrong with you?! OR his mother?! Cheese and Rice, How hard would be to say " No child (with limited thought processes) take the regular sized candy bar." A kid was being a kid, the mother is obviously lost in the sauce due to her own path in life. Read: settling down with an abusive man.

 

This post reads entirely too weird, something is off.

 

 

How old are you OP?

[Woggle]

Just realizer that all people are individuals and that it is unfair to blame an individual for what other members of their gender do. It's also okay to have issues with certain aspects of society but not be against an entire gender.

 

I had the mother from hell and I used to hate women and gender issues still get me going but I realize that not all women are the enemy. There are plenty who are kind hearted and loyal and would never betray us.

[SJC2008]

The OP is already resenting women, and he has identified the problem of his abusive father and his emotionally unavailable/passive aggressive abused mother, he needs counselling to work through those feelings else the resentment which he already feels, may indeed progress to violence against women.

The abusive template is already in place; it needs replaced by a better one ASAP IMO.

 

Indeed it won't. My sister has put our fam through hell and back, she's a user, manipiuplative and narcisistic. I have almost rubbed the eyebrows off my head out of worry. It's a rare (weird) form of ocd, it never started until her crap started wearing me down. I have never physically abused her even though I'm filled with rage over how she worrys us and put us through hell.You can have resrtraint when you're angry.

[GemmaUK]

Men who witnessed their father battering their mother as children are more likely to abuse

 

 

...If they share the same values and beliefs of women as the father abusing the mother did.

 

 

, unless preventative measures are put in place.

Frank's post is an example of a man who saw all that and doesn't share the same values as his father nor his grandfather. I personally don't know what preventative measures he went through or whether he even did. It's very possible he didn't need any preventative measures because he has a basis of respect for women.

One of my ex's and his brother watched their mum being abused daily for 17 and 15 years respectively. Neither brother is remotely abusive and they are both respectful of women.Neither of them had therapy or help in any way. The disrespect their father had an showed just wasn't a part of either boy's/man's make up.

 

 

Then comes the question why do men abuse women when their parents nor relatives had no form of abusive relationship whatsoever?

 

 

I have been surprised myself to discover either but I can totally understand that is depends on values and beliefs rather than witnessing 'dad hitting mum'.

[GemmaUK]

He was a 4-5 yr old boy, what is wrong with you?! OR his mother?! Cheese and Rice, How hard would be to say " No child (with limited thought processes) take the regular sized candy bar." A kid was being a kid, the mother is obviously lost in the sauce due to her own path in life. Read: settling down with an abusive man.

 

This post reads entirely too weird, something is off.

 

 

How old are you OP?

 

 

I'm 46 and was taught to share and not be greedy from a young age.

 

 

If I got a big bar of chocolate then I'd give half to whoever I was with. I still share to this day.

 

 

I wasn't aware that was weird, my friends are the same too and my niece has been brought up the same way.

[elaine567]

...If they share the same values and beliefs of women as the father abusing the mother did.

 

 

 

Frank's post is an example of a man who saw all that and doesn't share the same values as his father nor his grandfather. I personally don't know what preventative measures he went through or whether he even did. It's very possible he didn't need any preventative measures because he has a basis of respect for women.

One of my ex's and his brother watched their mum being abused daily for 17 and 15 years respectively. Neither brother is remotely abusive and they are both respectful of women.Neither of them had therapy or help in any way. The disrespect their father had an showed just wasn't a part of either boy's/man's make up.

 

 

Then comes the question why do men abuse women when their parents nor relatives had no form of abusive relationship whatsoever?

 

 

I have been surprised myself to discover either but I can totally understand that is depends on values and beliefs rather than witnessing 'dad hitting mum'.

 

This is about likelihood, not certainty, of course there are going to be exceptions, of course there are going to be variables, but a boy witnessing his father hitting his mother has been found to be more likely to hit his female partners too, than a boy brought up in a non violent household.

A friend of mine told me one day that she had just found out her husband's father had abused his mother, I had a horrible sinking feeling for her, and asked her if she thought he was prone to violence too, she said no, her husband was appalled by his father's actions and had vowed he would never hit a woman, he knew what his mother went through.

A few years later she eventually left him because he physically abused her, his "vow" meant nothing obviously.

[GemmaUK]

This is about likelihood, not certainty, of course there are going to be exceptions, of course there are going to be variables, but a boy witnessing his father hitting his mother has been found to be more likely to hit his female partners too, than a boy brought up in a non violent household.

A friend of mine told me one day that she had just found out her husband's father had abused his mother, I had a horrible sinking feeling for her, and asked her if she thought he was prone to violence too, she said no, her husband was appalled by his father's actions and had vowed he would never hit a woman, he knew what his mother went through.

A few years later she eventually left him because he physically abused her, his "vow" meant nothing obviously.

 

It depends upon a man's beliefs and values.

 

 

Anyone can vow that they would/could never.

 

 

If a man is resentful of women then that is when he is much more likely to abuse her whether or not his father abused his mother.

 

 

We may as well pretty much agree to not terribly agree nor disagree as we are coming from different perspectives of root cause.

Hence why I liked and agreed with one of your other posts from today.

[BlueIris]

In short, I have very low self esteem and major women problems. I love my mother but I resent her as I beleive most of my women problems (and many others) stem from her. I never could do anything to please her, she was cold and unafectionate, she projected on me etc. Naturally, this has affected my dating life. I know in my heart there are good women out there but the more failures I have with them the more resentful I get. From my dating failures over the last few years I have formed a handful of beliefs, some are based off of observation as well. I'm not going to get into specifics because I'm not here to bash women or to rattle of a list for the guys to back me up on. I know there are women who struggle with men as well. How do I get past negative views/resentment of women?

 

Getting past negative stereotypes of any group can be difficult.

 

I think that the simplest (even if it’s not the easiest) way to get past negative views of any group is to see ourselves and other people as individuals with the freedom to choose how to think and act. Stereotypes and expectations are emotionally and psychologically weighty burdens to carry.

 

Maybe take a look at zen, which has a premise of taking a beginner’s (like an infant’s) perspective of wonder or discovery, rather than a perspective of preconception or expectation.

 

I read this book decades ago. Because of your post, I just looked it up and now I’m going to read it again. Thank you for that!

 

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”

― Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

 

“The true purpose [of Zen] is to see things as they are, to observe things as they are, and to let everything go as it goes... Zen practice is to open up our small mind.”

― Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind: Informal Talks on Zen Meditation and Practice

[Frank2thepoint]

Indeed it won't. My sister has put our fam through hell and back, she's a user, manipiuplative and narcisistic. I have almost rubbed the eyebrows off my head out of worry. It's a rare (weird) form of ocd, it never started until her crap started wearing me down. I have never physically abused her even though I'm filled with rage over how she worrys us and put us through hell.You can have resrtraint when you're angry.

 

I understand that you care about your family, but you have to understand that the actions of your sister are outside of your control. She is not extension of your body, like a finger or toe you can move or wiggle. She is an individual making her own decisions, for better or worse. Just like your mother. What she's done to you when you were young is outside of your control. Yes you can wish things were different, that your mom should have treated you better, but the damage is done. What's important is what you do now. Don't let anger fill you that you feel rage. Anger is a natural emotion, but rage is uncontrollable, and bad things can happen when you lose control.

 

Honestly, the best way to heal is distance yourself from family. From what you've said, your family is toxic to you. It's not overt toxicity like outright physical abuse, it's psychological and emotional. Which is worse, because physical abuse heals, but psychological and emotional linger on for a long time. I recommend this because siding with my mom, kicking my father out whom I have not heard from nearly 20 years, helped a lot of with healing.

[Woggle]

I think the best way I got over it was realizing I was turning into my mother. The way my grandfather abused my grandmother helped make my mother raging misandrist she is today and I saw myself becoming a misogynist because if the way she abused me. I don't want to end up a hate filled miserable person like she is. I am surprised all the hatred and anger she has in her heart hasn't caused her to have a heart attack or something.