Noluck Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I'm considering a separation and divorce. Half of me wants it and thinks it's the best thing. The other half isn't so sure. I'm not sure if it's the fear of starting over, the fear of whatever new BS I will find in the next one, maybe it's a level of comfort that I fear losing, a fear of being lonely, a fear of being alone, maybe a fear that this is the best I could do anyway so why leave, or maybe all the above. I don't know if those are even reason to stay in a relationship. I feel as if I have settled. I have not received my equal share in the relationship. It's been so one sided for so long. Resentment has sunk in but I feel paralyzed to do anything. How did those of you who divorced decide to proceed? How did you face these fears? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 No, those are certainly not good reasons to stay in a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I think you need to give some more information on your situation; years married, kids, your age etc, to get a little better insight. In terms of your consideration on what you think is best to do, I hear you on that. Took me years to decide to separate from my H, even though I deep down knew I needed to. My posts on here date back to 2008 and I left 12 months ago. It's not an easy road. It's full of "what ifs" and "why couldn't I make it work" type questions. I'm not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination, but I know I'm heading in the right direction. Keep posting, share some more details, and this board will serve you well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Noluck, sorry you are feeling this way. It's not easy, but being here will help you. I have a few questions on your situation: 1. Maybe the most important question of all: Do you still love your spouse? 2. If the answer is no, then I think your path is easier to determine at least. If yes, then have you spoken to your spouse about your issues in the marriage? If you are considering leaving, I think you at least owe it to each other to have the conversation about what's wrong and what might be done to address that. 3. Have you been to marriage counseling? That would be the obvious next step, if your answer to question 1 is yes and you are willing to have the hard conversations that would come next. 4. How long have you been together? How old are you? Any children? If so, how old? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noluck Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) Thank you for the comments. We have been together for 3 years before getting married and we have been married for under a year. we are both in our mid 30's and no kids. I dunno if it sounds weird but I don't know how I feel. I definitely don't feel the passion and love that I used to. It's been replaced by doubt. I question if I made a mistake. I've been the main engine in the relationship from the beginning and it feels like I'm dragging a sack of potatoes at times. Everything from intimacy to just going out. I've been an open book in the relationship and it gets exhausting dealing with a person who doesn't put in the same effort. I end up doing a lot of things alone because I'm tired of convincing someone to spend time with me. I feel stuck because I want to have a family but I don't want to bring kids into the picture feeling like this. Edited April 13, 2015 by Noluck Link to post Share on other sites
lockedoutluv Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 It sound like a repeat of my situation. I have stayed almost 8 years in such a relationship. Kids are a complicating factor in my life. I don't have answers for you, only compassion. Link to post Share on other sites
Castlemate Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Thank you for the comments. We have been together for 3 years before getting married and we have been married for under a year. we are both in our mid 30's and no kids. I dunno if it sounds weird but I don't know how I feel. I definitely don't feel the passion and love that I used to. It's been replaced by doubt. I question if I made a mistake. I've been the main engine in the relationship from the beginning and it feels like I'm dragging a sack of potatoes at times. Everything from intimacy to just going out. I've been an open book in the relationship and it gets exhausting dealing with a person who doesn't put in the same effort. I end up doing a lot of things alone because I'm tired of convincing someone to spend time with me. I feel stuck because I want to have a family but I don't want to bring kids into the picture feeling like this. The fact that you can't answer whether you love your spouse or not is because of the resentment, which probably means somewhere deep down you still love them. However, love isn't enough. Have you told your spouse how you feel? If so, what has been the response? Have they been trying to meet your needs? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Thank you for the comments. We have been together for 3 years before getting married and we have been married for under a year. we are both in our mid 30's and no kids. I dunno if it sounds weird but I don't know how I feel. I definitely don't feel the passion and love that I used to. It's been replaced by doubt. I question if I made a mistake. I've been the main engine in the relationship from the beginning and it feels like I'm dragging a sack of potatoes at times. Everything from intimacy to just going out. I've been an open book in the relationship and it gets exhausting dealing with a person who doesn't put in the same effort. I end up doing a lot of things alone because I'm tired of convincing someone to spend time with me. I feel stuck because I want to have a family but I don't want to bring kids into the picture feeling like this. Have you expressed these thoughts to your spouse and had an honest dialogue? Tried marriage counseling? You sound unsure, so I think that would be my advice - MC can help you figure out what you want, one way or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 It sound like a repeat of my situation. I have stayed almost 8 years in such a relationship. Kids are a complicating factor in my life. I don't have answers for you, only compassion. It's a repeat of mine too - a passenger as an H - believe me, it won't get better unless their ACTIONS and not just WORDS demonstrate that. I feel your dilemma and pain x Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 It's understandable to have anxieties and uncertainties about a major life change. However decisions made based on fear are very rarely ever the right decisions. It's OK to experience fear. Just don't make decisions based on it. Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is being afraid but doing the right thing and doing what needs to be done anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts