8 Month Mark, Still One Heck Of A Journey

[AaronSG]

It's been a while since posting anything and I apologize for that, but I just needed some time to myself and to process some things, and the things processed were gut busters, the reality learned from these lessons for me is "priceless'!

 

So here I am, 8 months and 10 days since the it's been over with, and what do I have to show for it, what has it gotten me this whole road of broken hearted recovery..........."it's given me a better me"!

 

First off, for any new comers who might have just as of recent suffered a breakup, be it good or bad, I'm here to tell you, "don't give up", "don't stop trying" and please "don't stop moving forward", even if just baby steps of progress, keep moving forward! I'm here to tell you that is does get better, maybe better is the wrong choice of words, perhaps I'll say in time things will ease up a bit and mellow out.

 

We don't see it when we are in the "thick of it", I didn't, when it first hit me back on August 3rd of 2014 I was on pure emotions! The left hand didn't know what the right hand was doing. I didn't know right side up from upside down. For whatever reason when a serious relationship suffers a harsh breakup, ones logic center goes right out the window. But I'm living proof that in time, the emotions begin to settle and the mind once again starts to turn on it's logic center and you begin to possibly think a little bit more clearly.

 

But to the new comer, I'm not going to lie to you at all, for me, personally, walking this pathway of recovery has come with a hefty price. If your serious about "moving on" and making the choice to put your foot upon the road of recovery and choose to take that first step.........warning.........it can come with a price!

 

For me walking this road of recovery has been seriously "life changing" due to the choices I have had to make and the price I've had to pay! The price I've had to pay is such things like separate myself permanently from several key "common friends" that my ex-fiancé and myself had. I've had to let some people go! Not out of bitterness or ill will or hate, but to the simple fact that these people didn't know when to keep their mouths shut in regards to the "leaking" of personal information about my ex-fiancé, for every leak, there was a set back.

 

I've paid a price by having to alter some of my ways of living, all the way down to the things I once enjoyed. Within these past 8 months I've had to alter my music listening. Some genres just can't be played anymore. These songs and music styles are filled with to many emotional and memory triggers. Where I once liked listening to Country, now, if Garth Brooks comes on and we're a couple musical notes into the song and he starts singing.......memory city!

 

I've also paid a price by choosing like I've done with the music, I had to alter my movie and television watching as well. I'll tell you what, if the theme songs to such shows like "The walking Dead" and or "Son's of Anarchy" come on, lump in the throat and the memory's can begin to swell. So I've had to change my viewing patters and choose new shows to watch. It's not bad, I'm not going to die if I can't watch the shows that were once "our's", I'll live!

 

7 months ago I paid a small price and made a choice to delete my personal Facebook account. Where for years my old account once brought me joy, fun, happiness and togetherness. But 1 month after the breakup it was brining me a living hell. Couldn't fight the temptations to not "peek" at her account, always trying to wonder what a new cover photo or new profile photo might mean, always trying to "read between the lines" and figure out if she was trying to send me secret messages ect. ect. ect. I had to make a hard choice one day to pull the plug on that.

 

I am still paying some what a price in regard to locations around my home town! There are still places that I have chosen to "not go to"! Because of the awesome amounts of both memory and sensory triggers all around. Tell me to go to the Sacramento River alone, I'll tell you to "F off"! To many triggers, to many memory's! Plus the river was just one of many places that we liked to call "our spots"! Mind you, I have ventured to some locations and am here to talk about it, it didn't kill me. But I have had to make choices to not play games with my recovery and not go to certain places, until one day I know I'm ready for them.

 

I have paid a small price for my recovery by removing and deleting all known images and video clips of my ex-fiancé off my computer, off my Kindle Fire, off my smart phone, off my regular canon camera, all of it, it had to go! To many times I lost the battle with temptation and would fire up the external hard drive and go into her file folder and look at several of the over 1000 photos I had of her that I took within a 2 year time period. All of them months ago "had to go", their gone, bye bye, never to be seen again! Of course there are photo's of her lingering certain places on-line, just a couple and a generous amount that my Mom has taken with her camera. But to see them I would have to go across town, that would take effort, so I don't go! But having them once on my hard drive was easy, some points and clicks and they were on the screen.

 

I paid a small price by making the choice within days of her departure to go about my home and remove all found items that were owned or belonged to my ex-fiancé. Before I knew that there was such a thing as a "road to recovery" I was being sick enough to think about taking the huge amount of her items left behind and making some sort of twisted "shrine" with them. But quickly I learned that the stuff had to go! Shirts, pants, socks, some shoes, a jacket, were all donated to Goodwill. Some jewelry left behind was either donated or given away to people I knew would appreciate them. Framed photo's, knick knacks, memento's and souvenirs from our trips were boxed up and given to family member and they have the box in their attic!

 

To the new comer or the newly broken hearted, the above was just a little summary of some of the choices and some of the prices we have to pay to recover. I know some of what was shown will be hard to do, I know when we're in the "thick of it" we want to possibly try in any way to hold onto that person. If it is through personal items, photo's, video clips, locations, songs, shows, social media, even if revisiting all that hurts us, we'll still be inclined to do so because for the heart, seeing and smelling and touching all those things in a small way makes that person still here with us. In order to "move on" we've got to make the choice to "let go"! Holding onto items from the departed can only make things worse!

 

Just recently I have had to make the toughest choice of them all, I've had to "pay the toll" and realize for myself that after a serious relationship like mine comes to a end, the mind adherently wants answers! At some point when our mind begins to pull itself out of the fog it will start to want answers, which is just another way of saying "we'll want to try and find closer"! This has seriously been a tough one for me! At various points I seriously wanted my closer. I wanted answers, and about a month ago my 12 step Codependent Anonymous sponsor told me that closer is an illusion! He said we as humans instinctively want answers to everything! He told me that closer after a big breakup is a fools game. Because say we did have one last "face to face" with the person that broke our hearts, and say we were to begin asking the tough questions, he told me that it's a waste of time. Because we will get the answer to one question and perhaps the answer isn't to our liking and we will ask another question, that will lead to another answer and perhaps it will lead to another question because we can't believe the answer to the question, or it's not a "good enough" answer. And then he told me that at some point the old "would-a, should-a, could-a" games will start incorporated with the "what if" game! He is teaching me to not to be so concerned about seeking closer from my ex-fiancé, but rather seek out the closer within myself. I was also shown that sometimes when we choose to start a romantic relationship with a person, some of the relationships very beginnings are a mystery. We have the relationship with this person and at some point, either "we did bad" or "they did bad" or it was just a mutual bad, at some point these people exit our lives with the same levels of mystery to them as when they first came into our lives. He said with most, there's always going to be the mystery and no amount of closer is going to answer the mystery. He told me to leave it alone, let it go, walk away and keep moving forward.

 

I am learning there are "gifts to be found in our pain"! The gift I'm getting out of my pain is a better person, a more wise person, a less codependent person, a more honest person and so forth! Yeah, even now it can be tough, the memory's still linger but it's now what I do with them that separates me from where I was at over 8 months ago.

 

I'm here to nothing more than to tell the new comer or the newly broken hearted that in time, and with some work, with some choices and prices paid, you'll get through it! If all you can do is shake and sit on the floor and cry and think the sky is falling, if that's where your at just know your going to be okay and just breath, if all you can do is just breath then thats one baby step in taking care of yourself.

 

We'll get through all of this and know that your not alone! There are awesome people here willing to jump in and try their best to help, I am one of them................you are not alone!

[nugget_718]

I am learning there are "gifts to be found in our pain"! The gift I'm getting out of my pain is a better person, a more wise person, a less codependent person, a more honest person and so forth! Yeah, even now it can be tough, the memory's still linger but it's now what I do with them that separates me from where I was at over 8 months ago.

 

I'm here to nothing more than to tell the new comer or the newly broken hearted that in time, and with some work, with some choices and prices paid, you'll get through it! If all you can do is shake and sit on the floor and cry and think the sky is falling, if that's where your at just know your going to be okay and just breath, if all you can do is just breath then thats one baby step in taking care of yourself.

 

We'll get through all of this and know that your not alone! There are awesome people here willing to jump in and try their best to help, I am one of them................you are not alone!

 

 

Here here AaronSG!!! I was on strict NC the same amount of time you are on your breakup. I don't know if you went NC right away...I did and boy did that do wonders for me. I also dated other people; casually because I can't see myself getting embroiled into another relationship so soon. Not when I am still in limbo. My conscience can't hurt or used another person as a crutch in order to get over a broken relationship.

 

So back to my first statement, I said "was on strict NC" because last week I broke it and don't have no regrets whatsoever. Mind you, it was not an awful outcome, the other way around really. But I broke it when I knew that I could care less on what the outcome is. I was prepared and knew at that point that I was healed. In fact, I had forgiven him...not forget...but breaking NC was my way of letting him know that I am over it. 8 months ago, when his last parting words were "I respect your request for NC so I will wait for you to contact me" I told myself, you will be waiting forever. But time does heal...not all wounds but at least takes away the resentment and bitterness. And it does feel easier not to carry that burden or chip on your shoulder. NC is not a one size fit all tool but it works remarkably on those who chose to do NC for themselves.

[Jonp219]

Here here AaronSG!!! I was on strict NC the same amount of time you are on your breakup. I don't know if you went NC right away...I did and boy did that do wonders for me. I also dated other people; casually because I can't see myself getting embroiled into another relationship so soon. Not when I am still in limbo. My conscience can't hurt or used another person as a crutch in order to get over a broken relationship.

 

So back to my first statement, I said "was on strict NC" because last week I broke it and don't have no regrets whatsoever. Mind you, it was not an awful outcome, the other way around really. But I broke it when I knew that I could care less on what the outcome is. I was prepared and knew at that point that I was healed. In fact, I had forgiven him...not forget...but breaking NC was my way of letting him know that I am over it. 8 months ago, when his last parting words were "I respect your request for NC so I will wait for you to contact me" I told myself, you will be waiting forever. But time does heal...not all wounds but at least takes away the resentment and bitterness. And it does feel easier not to carry that burden or chip on your shoulder. NC is not a one size fit all tool but it works remarkably on those who chose to do NC for themselves.

 

What was the result of breaking NC?

Was there something you were aiming for when you did that or dwas it just to see if you were over him?

[AaronSG]

I don't know if you went NC right away...

 

Well my ex-fiance walked out of what used to be "our front door" back on August 3rd 2014, she was back home in Ohio for a while and then on August 7th 2014 was our last and final verbal conversation! That phone call blew me out of the water with frustration, confusion, hurt and pain! Within hours of hanging up the phone I decided to not do that again to myself and decided that talking to her on any level was like playing with fire.

 

Since August 7th I have been strict "no contact", no phone, no texts, no e-mail, no Skype, no snail mail, ect. ect. ect.

 

Then around September 5th or the 6th of 2014 Is when I pulled the plug on Facebook and social media. As soon as I pulled that plug, my vow of "no contact" was complete!

[nugget_718]

What was the result of breaking NC?

Was there something you were aiming for when you did that or dwas it just to see if you were over him?

 

 

The end result was me not carrying the burden of hating someone. I am also a Catholic and 2 weeks ago was holy week and I usually do a self-reflection during that time... kind of like replaying back to last year to let go of my excess baggage so to speak. I didn't contact him to see if I was over him...I was over him. I contacted him to let go.

[nugget_718]

Well my ex-fiance walked out of what used to be "our front door" back on August 3rd 2014, she was back home in Ohio for a while and then on August 7th 2014 was our last and final verbal conversation! That phone call blew me out of the water with frustration, confusion, hurt and pain! Within hours of hanging up the phone I decided to not do that again to myself and decided that talking to her on any level was like playing with fire.

 

Since August 7th I have been strict "no contact", no phone, no texts, no e-mail, no Skype, no snail mail, ect. ect. ect.

 

Then around September 5th or the 6th of 2014 Is when I pulled the plug on Facebook and social media. As soon as I pulled that plug, my vow of "no contact" was complete!

 

 

Good for you!!! I'm sure it took all your courage to disappear like that on someone you care about much more a fiancé. I had a final face to face with my ex-bf...his choice...that was our final talk. I didn't ask for it, he offered to come and have a face to face. It was a gallant gesture but at that point I was already gone for good so it was not hard for me to go strict NC.