Fiance left me, weeks before marriage

[dangerbang]

What belongings, and how much money, are we talking here?

 

Are you prepared to let them go? Or is your sanity worth more?

 

Not that much money, I told her it's fine, I don't care about it. Her belongings as in she collected her stuff. It seems to me she was just bringing up the money as an excuse to contact me. I just don't know why she's doing it.

[PegNosePete]

Don't try to question why crazy people do crazy things. You can't control or understand her actions. Just concentrate on your own.

 

NC seems like the best course of action here.

[dangerbang]

Don't try to question why crazy people do crazy things. You can't control or understand her actions. Just concentrate on your own.

 

NC seems like the best course of action here.

 

I guess part of me wants her to still want me, and I still have hope we'll get back together. Yesterday I felt great, I had a few drinks last night, not many but enough, don't know if it contributed but today I just feel so down/depressed.

[hunk]

Go cold, hard, relentless and merciless NC. You will be fine. If she is going to come back you have to enter damage control mode and completely vanish. She said some messed up **** to you. Let her stew in what she's done. You'll have your answer at some point, and even if she doesn't come back (which you should be hammering into your head that she isn't going to - for the sake of your own wellbeing) you will be well on the path to healing. Don't hang around in limbo, take the initiative here and disappear.

[dangerbang]

Yeah well, nothing from her today, so she's probably going to do the same herself. I guess as she had kept contacting me it gave me a bit of hope every day, even if it was bad contact. I guess I'll see how I feel after the weekend, that'll have been a few days of nothing. Terrible probably

[dangerbang]

Having a rough time today. I just feel awful and keep picturing her getting on with things, happy, without a care in the world. I can't imagine a time when I don't want to hear from her. Help!

[azaleigha]

Sorry you're experiencing this. This is obviously a huge change from what you were expecting, and your feelings are really understandable. Sounds like your parents are aware of the situation and it might be helpful to lean on them for support right now. I hope things work out for the best.

[dangerbang]

Sorry you're experiencing this. This is obviously a huge change from what you were expecting, and your feelings are really understandable. Sounds like your parents are aware of the situation and it might be helpful to lean on them for support right now. I hope things work out for the best.

 

Thanks. So it turns out my mother offered to collect her tomorrow and give her her remaining stuff and bring it to her new apartment. My mother just wants her to have no excuse to contact us again so she's doing it and then blocking her on everything too. I was unaware of this arrangement until today, they arranged it yesterday, I'm a little p*ssed off as she should really be arranging to get her stuff herself.

Anyway, she asked my mother twice how I was doing, my mother just ignored those messages though. What do you think that means? Guilt? Or just being polite to my mother pretending that she still cares?

I go up and down, earlier I felt great, now I'm hoping her asking how I was is a sign of regret and maybe she's coming around to us getting together again. She also started conversation about money the other day, which I guess we needed to have, and when I pointed out I owed her nothing and gave her the figures she said I was "petty and pathetic". And she's glad she's rid of me.

Then I got an email a few mins later saying "I'm sorry for saying that we need to give each other space". Give each other space? I haven't messaged her in a week, just responded as curtly and non emotionally as possible when discussing practical matters.

Can anyone diagnose this lunatic?

[Downtown]

She has some serious issues, and is often in a very dark place, and took it out on me regularly.... Can anyone diagnose this lunatic?

DB, only a professional can diagnose your exFinance, i.e., determine whether she has a full-blown personality disorder (PD). Hence, if you ever feel very tempted to take her back, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

 

She physically attacked me probably 50 times.

DB, the physical abuse of one's partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between domestic violence and BPD.

 

I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, temper tantrums, physical abuse, lack of impulse control, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exFiance exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exFiance's issues. As I said above, only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if your exFiance really does have strong BPD traits).

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, DB.

[dangerbang]

Hey, yeah the BPD stuff about rings true quite a bit. It's scary really. The worst thing is she'll never even know she's like this, and she seems to get away with it because she's so pretty, seriously. All her friends are men, not even one girlfriend, and I think it's because they pay her so much attention and praise her all the time.

 

Anyway. I haven't initiated any contact in 2 weeks, there were some things we had to clear up with money and I responded with zero emotion just with facts and figures. This led to her snapping at me a bit, for daring to stand my ground, which was followed soon after by a message saying she hasn't been in love with me for a long time and she's so happy without me.

 

Then this was followed a few minutes later by messages on my phone saying she didn't mean what she said it's not even true and that this is so hard for her, and to give each other some space. I ignored and blocked her, that's the last I heard from her. I was giving her space, she kept contacting me! And space? Space implies we'll connect again sometime. I don't do friends with exes.

 

Anyway, all her stuff is gone completely, she has no reason to contact again, so although a small part of me is longing for her to get in touch, I'm accepting this is how it is and that it's for the best.

 

So yeah meditating helps, and going to the gym as much as you can. Try headspace.com. Also I joined dating site to see what's out there (too soon I know), and the other night I went out for some drinks with a girl who was really gorgeous and clever and seemed very well rounded. She's been messaging me since, although there was no kiss at the end just one of those awkward cheek rubs, but she says she'd like to do it again so who knows. Another girl wants to meet this coming week too.

 

So I guess there's been some progress in the right direction, but I'm still pining a bit and even though I know it's impossible and I wouldn't let myself be with her again, I'm still carrying some hope for reconciliation. Like I have this fantasy that she shows up begging and crying for me to come back. I don't even think I would, I think my pride would appreciate it though.

 

Are these feelings normal?

[dangerbang]

Right. Not that any of you give a sh*t but an update as of this evening.

 

A relative of mine was having a drink at her local bar on Saturday night and saw my previous "fiance" in the bar, wrapped around a guy who looked around 21 (she's 34). Said relative had been helping her with wedding dress fittings and had her over at her house a couple of times, a matter of weeks ago. She made a point of walking past said ex and saying hi, to which our hero said a startled oh hi.

 

When I heard this it sent hormones around my body, adrenaline etc., but after a few minutes of using my wisdom, it's actually just made me feel happier.

 

That low life is carrying on with her usual hair brained ideas. That train wreck of a woman is rolling down the train line. I'm so glad I dodged a bullet and didn't have to go through a divorce. As if I didn't already know how poisonous she was this is the final kick I needed to get my new life going, and going well it is so far.

 

Hallelujah, let there be light!

[Chi townD]

Okay, you had a girl that you were going to marry that cheated on you last year and blamed it on you.

 

 

She started fights with you out of the blue and has hit you no less than 50 times.

 

 

As a matter of weeks after the break up, she's seen at a bar hanging all over a much younger dude. (should give you an idea of where you stood with her. No mourning the loss of you. No mourning the loss of the relationship and no mourning the loss of her future marriage.)

 

 

And you're heartbroken, why? Time to move on. She knows she got caught out and one of two things are going to happen. She'll run to the hills with her tail between her legs OR she might contact you to try to convince you that it wasn't what it seems. And if it was, it would probably be your fault some how. Just ignore it all.

[dangerbang]

Okay, you had a girl that you were going to marry that cheated on you last year and blamed it on you.

 

 

She started fights with you out of the blue and has hit you no less than 50 times.

 

 

As a matter of weeks after the break up, she's seen at a bar hanging all over a much younger dude. (should give you an idea of where you stood with her. No mourning the loss of you. No mourning the loss of the relationship and no mourning the loss of her future marriage.)

 

 

And you're heartbroken, why? Time to move on. She knows she got caught out and one of two things are going to happen. She'll run to the hills with her tail between her legs OR she might contact you to try to convince you that it wasn't what it seems. And if it was, it would probably be your fault some how. Just ignore it all.

 

Thanks for the response, I like your posts and respect you. No, I'm not heartbroken at all. I'm just kind of shook up still and it was the shock of facing a new life rather than losing her that was hard to deal with. As time goes on I see how unhealthy it all was, and I think it's becoming apparent that I didn't even like her that much from the start, it was all about her looks. Sad I know, but you live and learn.

[dangerbang]

Things are coming up Millhouse. Feeling a lot more positive by the day, and the thoughts are slowing down. Meditation is helping and giving me a new focus and a new outlook on this short life we have.

It's probably the best thing that could have happened to me, her leaving.

 

On another note. I have started online dating and there are 4 or 5 that want to meet and I've already met 2. One was definitely interested but I didn't pursue it. I honestly don't even have the time for it all. It's flattering though and making me feel better.

Don't worry I don't intend to use anyone as a fix but a few dates helps me get out of the house and socialising. I like it.

 

So chin up guys, a lot of you seem to be wallowing way too much. Embrace right now and appreciate what you have. You could be in a far worse place.

[mikeveli4g]

Dangerbang

 

 

I just read your passage and I'm right there with you homey. Even though my situation was a lot more challenging as it was a long distance relationship from two separate countries, the fighting over dumb things, with her putting me down and my reactions towards it are all too familiar to me and being that we are two worlds apart, the break up wasn't in person (not even eye to eye on Skype) and now my world feels like yours...empty as she moved on VERY QUICKLY to another guy.

 

 

 

 

My advice to you my man.... you have to write, work out and sadly but surely go on a couple of dates and be free. Like you, I'm in my mid 30s and it's hard because at this point in life the party has pretty much stopped, every girl you see is going to be like 10 years younger than you and should you just want a "fling" with them you'll feel like you're robbing cradle as it could be one of your friends little sisters. But, time will take care of it all my dude.

 

 

It's been 8 months and I still struggle at times but the everyday morning cries went to every other day to now, every now and then. You'll slowly get your confidence back and whatever you do.... don't contact her.

 

 

I gave her a month.... then checked with her again to see if this is what she really wanted and she let go. Then I gave her two months to see if we could still be cool just to have some closure and she carried me again and from that point I wanted to leave her alone for good. Then...she wished me happy birthday 3 weeks after that and it messed me up even more. I then waited another month to try to get closure again and then she started carrying me yet again.

 

 

The things is: Both of them... are angry and are holding grudges and as long as that is happening we can't say anything. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not saying a word as much as it hurts because we were really good friends prior to this.

 

 

So my advice...as long as there is some anger and you want her back, there is some hope and lucky for you, yall are on the same soil. But at this point... move on...even if you got to put on a front that you don't miss her when you really do... keep your distance.

 

 

It's a process man... and time will take it's place.

 

 

Keep me posted homey.

[dangerbang]

Well, her bday was like 2 weeks after she split and I said nothing. I wont contact her again, you don't need to worry about that. I said all I had to say after she left for a few days and then I realised nothing was going to change so I haven't said anything since then. Now I wouldn't have any interest in reconciling anyway, or even talking to her. She's messed up in the head and she'll never make any sense. She can stress other people out now.

At least I had some dignity, all she did is send abusive messages after she left and didn't apologise once. It would be a total disrespect to my beloved mother if I ever spoke to that girl again. She did everything she could for her and it was thrown back in her face once she had other options.

 

I cried once I think a couple of weeks ago. I had been on a date, and after the girl left I went back into the bar (typical me) and drank a sh*t load more. About 9 pints of Guinness in total. The girl liked me I just wasn't attracted to her unfortunaetly. I just remember being at home later than night and breaking down into tears and I couldn't stop. I think even someone like me needs to get that out of their system at one point.

 

So yeah booze doesn't help things. I've cut down bigtime now, I've always been a bit of a booze hound but right now it just clouds my mind especially when hungover.

 

Well it's actually encouraging that there are girls about 29 interested in going out. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Don't contact that girl. It's been a long time you should be well moved on by now. Who cares about her birthday really.

Edited May 12, 2015 by dangerbang

[mikeveli4g]

I feel you homey. And to your point yes... be careful with that alcohol it definitely makes things worse but everyone goes through at least 3 episodes of over doing it so as long as you know what it can do you're straight.

 

 

Also... I'm with you man definitely not saying a word kid. I mean I have someone I kick it with and we have an "arrangement" and it works until she goes off to another state but it's good to have someone to make you feel good about yourself and bring that confidence back up.

 

 

As far as the EX... my gosh everything you describe is the EXACT SAME stuff but it's just so tough to let go because the moments we did have were off the charts and she is so damn sexy. We just had too much bad luck with life's trials and tribulations and she didn't handle mine well and she was so disrespectful and the man I was (definitely had to change my anger moments) at the time I snapped and let her have it. I could have handled it better but it's only so much anyone can take.

 

 

So of course you know how the game goes...she tells "one sided stories" to a "FRIEND," he's in the cut like "oh yeah yeah... I would never do that. he sucks... leave him!," and she fell for the bait.

 

 

But it is what it is I guess.... I wish I could be more like you and not so forgiving because depending on what this summer brings and should she hit me up out of the blue... I may mess around and entertain her but for now.... HELL NO!

 

 

Keep up the good work champ!

[dangerbang]

I really don't want her back. She's poison. I just want her out of my head, I'm doing well so far.

[dangerbang]

I feel you homey. And to your point yes... be careful with that alcohol it definitely makes things worse but everyone goes through at least 3 episodes of over doing it so as long as you know what it can do you're straight.

 

 

Also... I'm with you man definitely not saying a word kid. I mean I have someone I kick it with and we have an "arrangement" and it works until she goes off to another state but it's good to have someone to make you feel good about yourself and bring that confidence back up.

 

 

As far as the EX... my gosh everything you describe is the EXACT SAME stuff but it's just so tough to let go because the moments we did have were off the charts and she is so damn sexy. We just had too much bad luck with life's trials and tribulations and she didn't handle mine well and she was so disrespectful and the man I was (definitely had to change my anger moments) at the time I snapped and let her have it. I could have handled it better but it's only so much anyone can take.

 

 

So of course you know how the game goes...she tells "one sided stories" to a "FRIEND," he's in the cut like "oh yeah yeah... I would never do that. he sucks... leave him!," and she fell for the bait.

 

 

But it is what it is I guess.... I wish I could be more like you and not so forgiving because depending on what this summer brings and should she hit me up out of the blue... I may mess around and entertain her but for now.... HELL NO!

 

 

Keep up the good work champ!

 

F*ck it dude. For all the crazy behaviour and violence and insults I got from that girl, I never said a bad word about her to anyone. If I ever put a foot wrong or said something she didn't like she'd be straight on to her exclusively male friends looking for validation, which they of course gave her. It did my f*cking head in.

 

We don't need people like that in our lives. I wouldn't touch her with someone else's now anyway, she may be pretty on the outside but she's a horrible failure of a person inside and it seeped through to her exterior for me towards the end. I never wanted sex with her as I just found her grotesque. There are far more well rounded people out there we should be spending our time with. Good luck brother.

[dangerbang]

An update for all of you, in case anyone's interested.

 

So it's 2 months since I split with the ex. Recently the wedding dates passed, during which I was on holidays with a group of friends who were supposed to come to the wedding. They came away anyway and we all had a great time in sunny Spain, drinking, having fun etc. It was a bit weird for me as we were supposed to be getting married then, but I didn't miss her at all.

 

All in all I'm so glad we never went through with the wedding. Really glad. Looking back now I can see that she was just a nasty piece of work and seriously damaged. She's someone else's problem now. I suppose we did have some good times but she just stressed me out all the time, my mind never had peace.

 

The other night I went out with a girl who was just absolutely gorgeous and such a smart intelligent hard working girl. We kissed at the end and it felt great and she's been in touch since. So looks like Dangerbang's still got it.

 

So my advice to all you dumpees out there. This isn't my first breakup but I think I dealt with this one most efficiently. I'll give a few pointers on how I overcame this in a relatively short time

 

Immediately cut all contact, absolutely everything, they are not coming back

 

Get in shape, exercise, eat well, try not to drink too much, although I've been drinking my ass off with friends recently but I didn't drink too much at the start of this journey

 

Meditate - this has really really turned my life around and I'm going to keep it up for the rest of my life, daily. Try headspace.com.

 

Appreciate what you already have. If you are lucky enough to have parents and siblings, realise that they would never cross you and they love you more than you can imagine. They will never leave you and they would die for you. Focus on that - don't focus on some broad/dude that left you and f*cked you over.

 

Don't make any plans for a while, live in the present and short term future. You are not in a position to be making big decisions for now.

 

So I hope you can all come out of this a better person, which I believe I have. Good luck to you all and thanks for listening and for the advice given to me here.

 

May your God go with you.