bebe23 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 My husband is very busy and often gone evenings and weekends due to work. I've spent the last few years like a married single mom part of the time, and when he's home he wants to 'lay down the law' like a drill sergeant. He is retired military. So when my 15 year old daughter gets into her snotty moods in front of him, he blows up and yells and screams. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and inadequate as a parent. In front of our kids, he raged to me that I was 'weak willed' and 'too lenient with them, catering to all their wants.' The argument started when my daughter wanted to eat dinner in the living room as opposed to the kitchen where there was a lot of clutter from her sister's homework and my husband's computer and work. They both eat and work at the same time, which I thought was a bit hypocritical in that he says we should eat as a family together. He and my daughter have been like this with each other for more than 3 years now. Not so much with our other teenage daughter, because she has a more passive personality like me. I know I'm more lenient than him, but I'm not him! And I'm with the kids 90 percent of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 the father needs to be served up a big ole piece of humble pie. tell him to try it and then apologize to the daughter and the family. That is unacceptable no matter who resides there. Raging moments are volitile. Been the more lenient parent with a spouse who believed physical discipline was the norm. it isn't. So sorry that your family is having to endure this... He needs spoken to in a rational manner. This behavior must have been going on for awhile ...and sadly he thinks its acceptable.... Is there perhaps a third person who can do an intervention? Sometimes its easier to reason with a neutral party.... again sorry to hear of this... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 *I'm with the kids 90 percent of the time. *You deserve respect and gratitude for what you do, not temper tantrums. He needs to grow up himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Address the criticism of your parenting. Tell him you feel disrespected when he criticizes your parenting, esp in front of the kids. Ask him to show you the respect you deserve by bringing his concerns to you in private so that you can discuss it. Be firm about this, focusing on respect (which is speaking his language). In a separate conversation, talk about his relationship with the 15 year old. I have a similarly aged girl, who is strong willed like her father. They butt heads, while I get along well with both of them. It's actually funny to me how they are so alike and can't see that they are exactly the same person, each complaining about the other. Maybe if you point out how your daughter favors her father in personality, how she has his strengths (flattery will get you everywhere), he will begin to make the connection of how he would want to be treated. Try to get him to see himself in his daughter, rather than an adversary. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 My husband is very busy and often gone evenings and weekends due to work. I've spent the last few years like a married single mom part of the time, and when he's home he wants to 'lay down the law' like a drill sergeant. He is retired military. So when my 15 year old daughter gets into her snotty moods in front of him, he blows up and yells and screams. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and inadequate as a parent. In front of our kids, he raged to me that I was 'weak willed' and 'too lenient with them, catering to all their wants.' The argument started when my daughter wanted to eat dinner in the living room as opposed to the kitchen where there was a lot of clutter from her sister's homework and my husband's computer and work. They both eat and work at the same time, which I thought was a bit hypocritical in that he says we should eat as a family together. He and my daughter have been like this with each other for more than 3 years now. Not so much with our other teenage daughter, because she has a more passive personality like me. I know I'm more lenient than him, but I'm not him! And I'm with the kids 90 percent of the time. Other than the typical 15 year old snotty attitude, is your daughter a kind person? Does she do well in school? Does she help out around the house, do chores? If yes, then he needs to back off and learn to lower his anger outbursts and relax. And, he shouldn't be putting you down! You've done a great job on your own and he needs to praise you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Your daughter should be corrected for taking a snotty attitude but if your husband is losing his temper and yelling and screaming at her then he is a hypocrite. He expects her to control her behavior while he can't control his own behavior and throws temper tantrums. Also it sounds like his fathering skills pretty much boil down to yelling at your daughter and not much else. Does he try to foster a relationship with her? Does he make an effort to get to know her and love her for who she is. If the only time he pays attention to her is when he is yelling at her he will ruin her chances of having healthy relationships with men in the future. I believe kids need both a mom and a dad but it doesn't sound like your husband is being a dad. I think he is causing your daughter more harm than good. Link to post Share on other sites
Naturalbeautyisbest Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 My husband is very busy and often gone evenings and weekends due to work. I've spent the last few years like a married single mom part of the time, and when he's home he wants to 'lay down the law' like a drill sergeant. He is retired military. So when my 15 year old daughter gets into her snotty moods in front of him, he blows up and yells and screams. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and inadequate as a parent. In front of our kids, he raged to me that I was 'weak willed' and 'too lenient with them, catering to all their wants.' The argument started when my daughter wanted to eat dinner in the living room as opposed to the kitchen where there was a lot of clutter from her sister's homework and my husband's computer and work. They both eat and work at the same time, which I thought was a bit hypocritical in that he says we should eat as a family together. He and my daughter have been like this with each other for more than 3 years now. Not so much with our other teenage daughter, because she has a more passive personality like me. I know I'm more lenient than him, but I'm not him! And I'm with the kids 90 percent of the time. That is very hiporcritical! He your husband really wants to sit together as a family and have dinner together as a family, and have family discussions around dinner time, im all for that. That's important, to share meals together as a family and talk. But if there's no talking involved and side tracked by other things during dinner time, there's no point. Also, yelling and screaming at someone for such a small thing, is like abuse. He sounds like he's on a power trip, and needs to mellow out, with some fruit in his diet and some greens to calm him down. There must be an underlying issue, why he's blowing up like that on her, for a small thing. it's the worse thing to fear your father or your mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bebe23 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 I suppose I made my H out to be a tyrannical rageaholic, which isn't his general personality. Being tired and having lots on his plate combined with the fact he can't give his teenage daughters spanks on the butt anymore when they smart off (we followed conservative Christian parenting books and used spanking, only mild spanking with the hands and time-outs) all results in his natural impulse to shout at them. He takes each daughter out on a camping and canoeing trip every summer, and tries hard to create special time with all his kids. In his defense, he is an Iraq War vet with minor PTSD issues. Loud noises irritate him to no end, and he has these 'triggers' that have made it so we have to walk on eggshells. He's typically a fun dad with a silly sense of humor. He's also big into the outdoors, while I'm more of a homebody. He's a good-hearted dad who took his hard-line conservative parenting style from his own father. The thing that bothers me is his criticism of me in front of the kids. The 15 year old thinks I do 'nothing' because I only have a part time job and I get to stay home more than her friends' moms who have careers. She belittles me, and I hate that. She uses the fact I'm not fully employed as a reason to ask me to do her laundry and fix meals when she is old enough to cook for herself. She has picked up a rude streak, and I'm an easy one to take her frustrations out on because she knows I love her unconditionally. Now, my oldest and youngest children are sweethearts. They do not 'mouth off', and are generally considerate and they listen. The 15 year old is an A student, never in trouble with school, but at home with me she's at her worst. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 The only way to provide parenting that is fruitful is to always show a united unbreakable front and not divided parenting, especially in the teen years...... it is unacceptable to yell and scream doesnt get anything done fast or does a child listen.....i should know...i have tried it...they block their ears......or say not very christian behavior mum which makes me want to tie them to ceiling fans.......i have raised five teens still raising two.....all i can say is they are alive...and i havent tied them to a ceiling fan yet...... when i was with my ex i remember one time i went against a grounding of a teen son in front of my son i said no you can go to your friends place......it was a mistake and it didnt teach him anything.....i should have stood united with my ex...to teach him consequences of his own actions.......his lesson that came later was taken out of my hands and handled by a court....... what you husband is doing isnt good......but it can be rectified......maybe some family counselling may help..couples therapy.........or weekly family meetings where everyone gets to say their piece without judgement...to initiate change.....like a family dinner plan where you all sit together......at least three times a week.....where family dinners become a chance to talk about everyones day.....dreams or thoughts.......maybe they will enjoy it so much it will increased to all the time.....i keep hoping that for my family.....the only tiem i can seem to get most of my family together eating at the same table is when i make a feast and invite friends and or family.....but its a start your husband has to be willing to come to the table pun intended..as do you..... and the kids have to understand they are important in the family, their place is important how they act and behave affects everyone.....but also that how they feel is important...there's a balance..... I hope things work out for you and yours.......best wishes....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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