Barby Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 Okay so before I get "flamed" for the subject line...let me explain and then please don't be "too" brutal in your responses hahaha! Well as some of you may know...I dated a guy named Oscar for over 2 years, I loved him but he was jealous and angry and verbally abusive to me. When he was good, he was awesome, best guy in the world (to me) but when he was bad , well he was a complete relentlessly cruel jerk! Well anyway we split for good (my saying goodbye, him crying and begging for ANOTHER chance (one of too many) and I said no I couldn't anymore..) And I did NC for a month or so, he got the hint and left me alone. We have been split for over 6 months now. (well almost though it feels like I was with him over a lifetime ago). Now flash forward to recently...his brother (the one I had the "silent attraction" (mutual) to since I met him when I first starting dating Oscar but nothing ever happened because I wouldn't do that to Oscar (or anyone else for that matter). Well he needed me to sign off of the title for his neon (it's in my name) because he wants to buy a newer truck. I went over there but he hadn't found what he wanted yet so he said he'd call me when he found something he liked........okay cool by me.....well the convo went on and on and it ended up leading to him saying that soon he'd take me out and/or make me dinner...ect, ect. Now I'm not dumb, I've known he liked me and I liked him too but I figured by now he'd have found someone else and well I've been dating off and on too. But I couldn't help but feel that old feeling coming back, the attraction, ect, ect. But I left before he could continue "pursuing this"........... So onto my problem.....well I (in my boredom and lapse of judgement for a moment) I went to his job and saw him (after he got off work I mean). Well we talked for like an hour, and as always the feelings, chemistry, ability to talk about anything, and general feeling of " awe" was there......well he ended up kissing me... He wants for us to be together, date, ect, ect...even though I told him a relationship between us wouldn't be possible, I couldn't go and see him, I don't want that akward situation to develop between him and Oscar.... I won't come between them like that!!!! Anyway he agreed to keep in on the "downlow" and basically we're together now...what should I do? I like him a lot and always have. He is gorgeous, sweet, and everything Oscar wasn't and could never be (affectionate, honest, trustworthy, loving, NOT jealous, ect, ect, ect)...but I like him for HIM and NOT because he has the qualities Oscar lacked, I mean it's like night and day (the two of them I mean). I know it's wrong in a sense dating my ex's brother but I will do everything possible to avoid Oscar finding out so as not to hurt him or cause problems between the brothers, and I know we've wanted to be together every since we first met but couldn't/wouldn't. So anyway anyone had a relationship similar to this? What happened? I am thinking more a FWB type of thing...(though he wants a :::relationship::: but to me I don't see it being possible). I know I've always had feelings for him but think FWB would be better because that way the split is easier, I dunno it's just more convienent as a FWB -vs- a one on one relationship. What do you all think?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barby Posted April 16, 2005 Author Share Posted April 16, 2005 bump Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 You will get found out in the long run. He wants a relationship, you want FWB, so you want differing things, and you have the added problem of him being your exes brother. Too many minuses to make the relationship positive. I'd say stop now, before it turns into a sorry mess. I have personal experience of liking brothers, and believe me, it's just not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 I think you're on verge of doing something that is just going to bring tons of complication into your life. Occam's razor: the simplest solution is always the best solution. People who live without complication are more able to keep control of the things that happen to them. You'll be sacrificing that control. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted April 16, 2005 Share Posted April 16, 2005 I think you'd be better off ending it now. Hold out for a real relationship with someone who doesn't have family ties. Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 I like the Occam's Razor theory. I try to live my life by that! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Dear Barby! There is nothing wrong with dating your ex's brother. You didn't cheat on him and you didn't leave him because of his brother. I think you don't want him to be your FB only. You also like him as he likes you. Oscar was the wrong one. Perhaps his brother is the right one. Maybe the two of you are meant to be together forever (I don't know your age). Oscar will live, don't worry. If you and your new BF develop strong feelings for each other (like after a couple of months of hiding), you should tell Oscar that you're in love (that is, his brother will tell him). Oscar will be shocked and pissed at first, but he will accept the reality and after all, he loves his brother and wishes him happiness. Oscar will eventually get over it and fall in love with someone else. If you and his brother stay together for a long time, the recent memory of the relationship with Oscar will fade away. It will be like you and Oscar were never together. One of Michael Jackson's brothers married a woman who divorced him later and married another Jackson's brother. So it's not like your case is lonely. You didn't do anything wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barby Posted April 18, 2005 Author Share Posted April 18, 2005 Thank you all very much for your responses...I do in fact see how it could be negative, how it could be troublesome but he is so worth it (at least to me).... Record producer is right, I didn't cheat on Oscar, we didn't act on our feelings or attempt to act on them while Oscar and I were together. I've had absolutely no contact with Oscar since the break-up and again Record Producer is right when she said.... I think you don't want him to be your FB only. You also like him as he likes you. I do care about him, I have feelings for him and always have and who knows, maybe I always will have. I figured that FWB would be easier because there is no obligation/commitment on either side so if it gets too complicated or hard to hide then we could just call it off. BUT realistically I know that the minute we were "together" sexually, I'll grow even more attached to him. I haven't seen him since that night but we have talked a couple of times on the phone but nothing too serious. Over the weekend it was improssible to seehim because Oscar doesn't work on the weekend so they're together... But oh well...we'll see what this week brings... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 I just see this as adding loads of complications to your life. I dated someone that my exhusband KNEW after we split up (my exBF) and it was awful. I mean, seriously, how would you feel if you had a sister who dated Oscar after you guys broke up? Amongst my older sisters and I, there is a rule to not date anyone that any of the rest of us have dated. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 If you want to date his brother, the most honourable thing to do is to tell everyone right away. Why? Because: 1. you'll get to see his bro more and find out if you really do like him. If you don't see eachother too often, you'd be waisting your time and building up your expectations. 2. you're at peace with yourself. It's very important to give the right tone, when you begin a relationship. 3. after your friends find this out, you'll see how he reacts. I think it's very important to see if he defends this relatonship, if he sticks by you, if he's willing to confront his family over his personal choice. It's difficult, Barb, but I see no ther way around it. At least if it's gonna be complicated, minimise the risks. It would be awful to have this blown in your face. Enjoy your finding, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 If anything came out of your relationship with Oscar, it should be the value of honesty and integrity. It is not a crime to date the sibling of an ex, but to do so in a manner where you are not honest and aboveborad about it (sneaking around, etc.) is, in my opinion, cowardly. If you want to date the brother, then you and he should talk to Oscar and get things out in the open. Give Oscar time to deal with it and get used to it. There is no reason that you and Oscar can't be on speaking terms again and as he moves on you will all become more comfortable with each other and Oscar and his brother need honesty between them too. A secret relationship is seldom a healthy one and I can tell by what you have written that you will not be able to keep this at a FWB situation. You are already too emotionally involved. Don't do this to yourself, or to your bf, Oscar and their family. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleMiss Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by HokeyReligions If anything came out of your relationship with Oscar, it should be the value of honesty and integrity. It is not a crime to date the sibling of an ex, but to do so in a manner where you are not honest and aboveborad about it (sneaking around, etc.) is, in my opinion, cowardly. If you want to date the brother, then you and he should talk to Oscar and get things out in the open. Give Oscar time to deal with it and get used to it. There is no reason that you and Oscar can't be on speaking terms again and as he moves on you will all become more comfortable with each other and Oscar and his brother need honesty between them too. A secret relationship is seldom a healthy one and I can tell by what you have written that you will not be able to keep this at a FWB situation. You are already too emotionally involved. Don't do this to yourself, or to your bf, Oscar and their family. I agree completely. You need to be honest with Oscar. If he finds out on his own that yall were sneaking around that will hurt him more. If you really like this guy just be honest with everyone and just ride it out. It's not going to be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barby Posted April 18, 2005 Author Share Posted April 18, 2005 Here's the thing....Oscar can be very very violent....his brother has been at the end of that temper several times since they were children (there father also was very abusive). I don't know if I can endure the "wrath" of Oscar when he gets worked up, angry, hurt or mad! I know in my heart that he would make my life a literal living hell. I don't want to "start" anything until his brother and I know for sure if in fact there is even anything to reveal....why bring up all these problems if we don't even start a relationship?!?! If it does end up that in fact we "hook up" or start a relationship then it will have to come out, he'll have to be the one to inform Oscar...I've had no contact and sure as heck won't call him JUST to tell him "hey just so you know, I'm with your brother now" that would be cruel after all these months of NC. It has nothing to do with being a coward, (unless you count being scared of him beating one or both of us to death (not literally but he'd beat the sh*t out of us both for real)...his brother can defend himself but I don't want to put him in that position. UNLESS of course we do begin a relationship then this will have to be dealt with! Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Barb, however he may chose to react... that's his own problem. You're only stalling and postponing the inevitable. I think it's even better if you tell him now, when there's nothing TO tell. You're simply going out. That's all. You're not killing anyone. And you certainly are not inlove. Talk to some of your friends. It always seem much more serious when you're in the middle of things. Don't let anyone decide for you, B! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 This is a delicate situation. Could you perhaps enlist the help of anothe relative, like the mom or dad or aunt or uncle -- someone like that?? Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 OH girl you are in biggie now!!!! I say that his brother should be off limits regardless of anything but you know best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barby Posted April 18, 2005 Author Share Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter This is a delicate situation. Could you perhaps enlist the help of anothe relative, like the mom or dad or aunt or uncle -- someone like that?? Their parents are still in mexico, they have their two younger siblings here in Lafayette but their uncles (who are our age) are douche bags (male whores basically) hahaha! It wouldn't do me any good to talk to them. His younger sister is the one before that brought it to my attention that Adrian (Oscar's brother) had feelings for me. (during the time I was with Oscar, I mean I knew there was chemistry, ect, ect but I didn't act on it. I told her that I was flattered but that I couldn't/wouldn't go there because I was with Oscar). Adrian is a lot closer to his sister and younger brother than Oscar is, Oscar's always been an angry, selfish, mean type of brother (taking after his father) expecting his siblings to wait on him hand and foot (his sister mainly)...so anyway I wouldn't put her (the sister) in that position because that just wouldn't be right. I say that his brother should be off limits regardless I know I would say the same thing to anyone else..........I didn't ever think anything would come of this and I never pursued my feelings until he started pursuing me....I know in my heart of hearts that no matter how Oscar was/is it would hurt him deeply to know his brother and I are feeling the way we are.......but I can't live my life for others, I spent too much time squashing my needs and wants to please him and everyone else in my life... how would you feel if you had a sister who dated Oscar after you guys broke up? If it was immediently after it would HURT horribley and I would have been angry as hell at her........but now after all these months, the only thing I would ask of her was to please not bring him around me, or talk about him to me, THAT would bother me. I love my older sister and if he was what made her happy then I would try and be happy for her. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 The thing that concerns me most of course is his violent nature, ya know? I just don't want this to turn Jerry Springer-esque. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Barby Bebe, Never, never, never date any of the ex's friends OR family. That is a general rule of thumb. You will eventually end up creating a big fight in his family....is that what you want on your concience? If I know you as well as I think I do (from reading your posts over a year or so) I don't think you would want that to happen. You sound like a really nice girl who ended up dating the wrong guy. If you would like to be friends with the brother then fine - and even that could be preceived as crossing the line. Oscar WILL FREAK OUT!!!! and you know it. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barby Posted April 18, 2005 Author Share Posted April 18, 2005 Bubbles, I know you've read and responded to my posts before and I know you're right. He would totally freak if he even knew I was talking (as a friend) to his brother....he's always been jealous and controlling (and even though we broke up he would honestly probably do me harm or at least try to if he knew). When I look at the whole picture (despite my feelings for Adrian) I know this is something in the long run that won't work out. Since nothing other than talking and a kiss has gone on.............. I know that the only thing (because it's the right thing) to do is stay on a friendship level with him and limit contact with him. Though this totally sucks, I know that it's the best thing! Damn that cruel fate!! Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 When I look at the whole picture (despite my feelings for Adrian) I know this is something in the long run that won't work out I agree Barby. Don't date him. There are plenty of other people out there without complicating your life like this. It's good to learn to recognize bad situations and avoid them before anything really bad happens. that's how you can lead a happy life. It's like women who date married men. If they could recognize and avoid this situation to begin with, they wouldn't be saying "it just happened" or "I couldn't help it." You can help yourself by recognizing that this situation will cause heart ache and countless problems, so please don't do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Good Gurl Barby! Good decision! Look at it this way.......at least you know that if Oscar tried to tongue you down in front of his brother? You know that his brother will defend your honour. Right? You will always have a voice. You should talk to his brother about the "non-relationship" right away though. Get it out of the way. Explain the no dating your ex's family or friend rule. I am sure he will respect you more for being honest with him. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 I think you are making the best decision considering the circumstances. Sometimes these things just can't happen....you know I love ya, Barby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barby Posted April 18, 2005 Author Share Posted April 18, 2005 I will let him know as soon as he calls me...I know he will understand where I'm coming from, even though I AM and WILL do the right thing, damn does it suck sometimes!! I know there are a gazillion men out there that I could have a connection with but none the less "this" is the one I want, BUT i know it just can't be and I won't attempt it! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 I know hon and I feel your pain........it really does suck when you finally meet "the man of your dreams" and you cannot have him!!! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
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