lookingforclosure Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I can say I have actually had a couple days. I do much better on the weekends when I know we are in separate towns and the likely hood of us running into each other is slim to none...but then comes Monday....I had dreams of him last night and woke up lonely, not the hot panicky feeling I was having. Just lonely. Mon-Fri I work around the corner from him and could run into him or pass him on the street at anytime...I did well last Thursday when I saw him, but it still made me sad. I have thought of emailing him...but what would I say. Your a total jerk who decided to take the cowards way out of dealing with me instead of being a man. Then I think...after 3 months of him making no attempt at contact what would that solve, it would only show that I am still thinking of him while he is moving on with his family. Talking about a baby, house on the market...maybe he can now get a new job and leave the area and i'll never have to see him again. Thank God I got my new job a month or so after the A started, I could not imagine having to see him every day. I would loose my mind Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I can say I have actually had a couple days. I do much better on the weekends when I know we are in separate towns and the likely hood of us running into each other is slim to none...but then comes Monday....I had dreams of him last night and woke up lonely, not the hot panicky feeling I was having. Just lonely. Mon-Fri I work around the corner from him and could run into him or pass him on the street at anytime...I did well last Thursday when I saw him, but it still made me sad. I have thought of emailing him...but what would I say. Your a total jerk who decided to take the cowards way out of dealing with me instead of being a man. Then I think...after 3 months of him making no attempt at contact what would that solve, it would only show that I am still thinking of him while he is moving on with his family. Talking about a baby, house on the market...maybe he can now get a new job and leave the area and i'll never have to see him again. Thank God I got my new job a month or so after the A started, I could not imagine having to see him every day. I would loose my mind Or you could get a new job outside the area and never have to see him again. Missing the past is natural but keep remembering how coldly he treated you and that he did nothing to reach out and soften the blow. He already knows he is selfish. If you write, you lose your power. Right now he thinks "she moved on" and you have your dignity and self respect. If you write he thinks "see, after 3 months she is still thinking of me and cant let go" Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 Or you could get a new job outside the area and never have to see him again. Missing the past is natural but keep remembering how coldly he treated you and that he did nothing to reach out and soften the blow. He already knows he is selfish. If you write, you lose your power. Right now he thinks "she moved on" and you have your dignity and self respect. If you write he thinks "see, after 3 months she is still thinking of me and cant let go" And that is why I haven't done it...I don't want him to see how much power I have ALLOWED him to have over me. I feel he throws crumbs to my girlfriend that works with him to see if he can get a reaction out of me, and I have really struggled not to give him that satisfaction. I have actually started looking for jobs away from here...I love my job, I have an awesome boss and wonderful co-workers, but if that is what it is going to take to push this all behind me i'm willing to take the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 [/b] And that is why I haven't done it...I don't want him to see how much power I have ALLOWED him to have over me. I feel he throws crumbs to my girlfriend that works with him to see if he can get a reaction out of me, and I have really struggled not to give him that satisfaction. I have actually started looking for jobs away from here...I love my job, I have an awesome boss and wonderful co-workers, but if that is what it is going to take to push this all behind me i'm willing to take the chance. Im so proud of you keeping your distance and I think over the course of the upcoming summer if you keep pushing through the sunlight and new adventures will help him fade even more. Try not to get stuck, I know it hurts but if time and more time passes, it will keep dying and you will no longer care down the road how this heartless jerk made you feel. Keep at it and keep job searching! Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Looking: I so hope you can get over him and continue on doing the job you love with people you enjoy. I hate that he has taken your happiness and now other things that bring you happiness. I hope that when he sees you back to your fabulous self that it drives him to another job and not you. You have paid enough! Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 I'm having a pretty hard time today...well actually since yesterday when I had to make the decision to put my dog to sleep. She had a mass compressing her heart and excessive amount of abdominal fluid :0( Times like this is when I would rely on xMM to be my strength..he would always make things seem so much better. His voice would just have an immediate calming effect on me. For him to meet me and talk...i've wanted to try to contact him so very bad... But I have not....it'l just hurt me more for it to be ignored like the previous attempts a weeks ago...it's obvious that the person who said he would always be there for me no matter what is gone. He hasn't cared to see how I am, hasn't reached out once...he's settling back into his life..... and i'm so sad. Sorry, figured i'd post here instead of doing the "unthinkable" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I'm so sorry about your dog,that's it's own unique pain, I know. I'm a bs but you need to remember that people who value and respect you completely don't make your difficult times harder or bring you more pain. Please reach out to the real true loved ones in your life and you will get the comfort that is best for you. If a relationship is that painful and taboo, it's probably not worth it, whether it's a spouse or ap. you deserve so much more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
neverdonethisbefore Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I'm really sorry about your dog. That's awful. You are doing the right thing by not reaching out to him and opening yourself up to more heartache. I wish i had your strength. Wishing you peace and love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I am sooo sorry about your dog. I remember when I had to put my poor little dog to rest. It was so hard!!! But, you must find true friends where you can live out loud and in an open and honest relationship and not be hidden. There are billions of people on this planet. Pick one who you will not have to share and cheat with. Open yourself to a true and honest man who will be there when you need him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Very sorry about your dog. Losing a pet is such a terrible event. Breaking NC is just going to add to your hurt in the long run. Not much advice but you said it right when you called it "the unthinkable" SO DON'T DO IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Thank you everyone...just needed to write something...somewhere, instead of an email to HIM I am on day 90 of NC from him...I guess i'm much better than the first 30 days..still trying to work on my self esteem issues, boy has this done a number on me. I feel unworthy of anything from anyone, which I know is not the case. But when you are so easily dropped, ignored...you start to feel that you never were worth being treated well. Because now everything he ever did and said feels like lies 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Thank you everyone...just needed to write something...somewhere, instead of an email to HIM I am on day 90 of NC from him...I guess i'm much better than the first 30 days..still trying to work on my self esteem issues, boy has this done a number on me. I feel unworthy of anything from anyone, which I know is not the case. But when you are so easily dropped, ignored...you start to feel that you never were worth being treated well. Because now everything he ever did and said feels like lies Closure: Sometimes it helps me to look at it like this...your experience with xMM shows that you are fully capable of love and intimacy. You made a poor choice this time in terms of where to place that love. You'll choose better next time. But now you know that you are able to love and be loved. You have that capacity within you. If you've done it once, you will do it again. And next time with someone who is open and available. The reality that he dropped you so quickly is 100% a reflection of who he is, as a person. It has nothing to do with how lovable you are. It has everything to do with how selfish he is. Again...next time you will make a better choice. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. Rely on your friends and or family at this time to help you through it. 90 days is a good amount of time. Keep hanging in there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I'm sorry for your loss, losing a beloved pet hurts so much. Been there a few times.. Whatever you do, do NOT reach out. He won't make you feel better in the long run, in fact you'll probably feel worse later. Call a friend, a family member instead. Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I am so sorry for your dog... It must be super painful and the urge to fall back into comfort of someone is always strong when things like this happen. One thing I feel is that you should not change your job/work elsewhere just because of him. Being financially independent, smart and assertive women is the best thing that we can do for ourselves. If anyone should change jobs, it should be him and not you. I am on day 60 of NC and boy, is it a painful struggle. One thing I noticed (in myself and many others currently in NC), is that there is a tendency to have full blown self-pity and a huge need of reassurance from, ironically- the xAP. For a point, I find myself wandering into self pity zone every day: ("how can he end it just like that".."was I never an option?"..."was it so easy for him?"..."am I worth even anything?"...) The only thing these thoughts did was to fuel my anxiety and gave me full blown panic attacks every morning when I wake up. So please.. don't let yourself slip into this again alright? You are worth sooooo more than this.. not for someone like him. I know we are supposed to vilify or maybe think of xAP in a bad light in order to move on.. but I truly think that most of them DO care in varying extents.... I also eventually understood that as a female, I will NEVER understand what a guy is thinking as well as his strange rationales and methods for dealing with emotional matters. Sometimes they are plain selfish, sometimes they simply might not had been as emotionally invested as we were in the A. Once you acknowledge that it is a finality and let go of any hope, you will stop questioning your self worth, because you ARE worth it. Let's work our way towards it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 One thing I feel is that you should not change your job/work elsewhere just because of him. Being financially independent, smart and assertive women is the best thing that we can do for ourselves. If anyone should change jobs, it should be him and not you. I am on day 60 of NC and boy, is it a painful struggle. One thing I noticed (in myself and many others currently in NC), is that there is a tendency to have full blown self-pity and a huge need of reassurance from, ironically- the xAP. For a point, I find myself wandering into self pity zone every day: ("how can he end it just like that".."was I never an option?"..."was it so easy for him?"..."am I worth even anything?"...) The only thing these thoughts did was to fuel my anxiety and gave me full blown panic attacks every morning when I wake up. So please.. don't let yourself slip into this again alright? You are worth sooooo more than this.. not for someone like him. Once you acknowledge that it is a finality and let go of any hope, you will stop questioning your self worth, because you ARE worth it. Let's work our way towards it! I feel that exact same way...I get extreme anxiety some mornings that just send my mind spinning...I find myself in that zone too and ask ALL the same questions as you. My therapist says it's normal when you don't have the closure/ending conversation because you are basically abandoned...left to decifer wth just happened. You trusted this person with your heart and expect to be treated with respect. How ironic right...none the less that's the case. Someone was going to end up hurt in this situation...it just turned out to be me instead of his wife. He's a rug sweeper and i'm sure he's convinced her that there was nothing "really" going on. He's going to buy another house, try for another baby and put a bandaid on whatever was inside him that lead him outside his marriage. I hope for the children he has made a total change within himself Link to post Share on other sites
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