Is this fair or is she being selfish?

[DatingDirection]

My mother's husband makes me uncomfortable. I moved out when I was in my teens, he was very mean to me, and no I wasn't a rebellious teenager. His motto was children should be seen and not heard. He even called me and my siblings baggage. Anyways, im now an adult, and past is past, but the last time I saw my mother with her husband, he really snapped at her, and I didn't like his tone at all. I bit my toung, as my heart sunk, to watch my mother take his tone of voice with her. This time, she came back from being out of the country, and is back home, 2 hours away from me, and wants me to take the bus to come see her, after I haven't seen her for 11 months. I hear many people say how their parents drive far to see their kids. Do you think my mother is being selfish for asking me to take a bus to see her, instead of her driving, she drives, to come see me? Or am I being selfish? if I go to see her, I am visiting her in "his" house, and I will have to put up with his weirdo behaviour, and just surrounded by them and their life, at least if she comes to see me, I don't have to be totoally surrounded by a toxic environment, and more comfortable, and not have to sit on a bus for 2hours, while my mother couldn't really give a rats ass if I was dead or alive all these years really, besides her phone calls now and then, and a birthday money of $50, for the first time in years. I feel bad how we left it after our phone conversation, but im not sure I should feel bad or not?

[mrs rubble]

I think you should tell your mum that her husband makes you feel uncomfortable.

Tell her you don't want to visit her in HIS house or around him. Tell her that you were upset with the way he treated your mum the last time you saw them and that you are not prepared to put yourself in a situation where you have to watch this type of behaviour.

Tell her she is welcome to visit at your place, offer to meet her somewhere halfway for a meal or something, but tell her that you are protecting yourself from upset by not visiting around her husband....she might get the hint that people don't actually have to tolerate being treated like dirt.

[todreaminblue]

I think you should have an honest and open talk with your mum...tell her how you feel gently......explain you would love to see her more but you cant do the travelling all the time.....

 

just like your mum should respect you.....and the husband should respect you too...you need to show respect in his home.....and respect your mother choices...however lame you think they are....explain to your mum how it is hard for you not to say anything when he talks down to her or meanly......find out what your mother feels about this ask your mother what are the good qualities you are unable to see in her partner, to more understand her choice in partner....to give you soem light into your mothers thoughts and feelings......help your mother to be strong with support nto judgement.....good luck..she may not be the worlds best mum to you...but she is your mum....tell her how you feel..deb

[turnera]

I can almost guarantee you that he's abusive and that she doesn't come visit you because there would be hell to pay when she got home. So she hides behind a 'belief system' that you should come see her, because it's the least damaging action. And yes, abused women are willing to lose their families including kids and grandkids to keep their husband from giving them hell.

[DatingDirection]

That makes me sick, I never see bruises on her.

[turnera]

I was talking about emotional abuse. You never will see bruises. They're inside her mind.

[DatingDirection]

Thank you for your OP about my mother's relationship with her husband. I know he's manipulative, and puts down her self esteem in an indirect way. For example, one time I went to see her in her home, she bent down to pick something off, and he pocked her on her behind, as if to imply she her butt was sticking out, when she bent down. It really made my stomach turn. This past week, she came into the city for one of his families events, I asked her why she didn't come to see me, if she was here all weekend, she said, she couldn't do too many things at once, it's tiring for her.

 

 

I flat out asked her, if it was b/c she is afraid of her husband, she laughed and said no, and gave an example, of how on the way home, he wanted to stop at Home Depot, and my mother didn't allow him to, as she was tired.

 

 

It really plays with my head, and I don't know what the truth is. I end up feeling like a bad kid, for not wanting to see my mother, when in fact, she's been near by and not wanted to see me, so it angers me. People, often say, it's my mom, I only have one, but I think people should realise, it's their children...they made them, to love and care for, and guide. Parents have to show kids the way, and parents also have responsibilities too, and solely b/c they are...PARENTS. So please, whoever reads this, stop telling children to be so nice to their parents, b/c we only have 1 mom and 1 dad, so what we have a special day for mom and dad, we should have a special day for kids, and maybe the world would care more about humanity in general, if we recognise how important children are, and stop glorifying how wonderful it is to have a mom and a dad on mother's day or father's day.