I think it's officially over

[confusedwife1981]

His actions towards her aren’t consistent with someone that is in love. From all my reading I have concluded that if he truly loved and wanted to be with her, nothing will stop him, not even me and my daughter, he is where he wants to be, as I see the OW told many times on the other board. He ended things with her, not the other way around. They message each other, yes, but it very limited, sometimes he doesn’t respond to her and makes her wait for days.

 

I agree she may be playing a game but it is not working like that. She has even hinted to working at an office that is very close to him and he did not even really acknowledge that, just talked around it. That was an opportunity right there for him to see her and he did not take it. That has to count for something. Also I'm sure he could be doing way more to get her attention besides liking pics.

 

And for what it’s worth, to my face, he acts like his family is what he wants. His aura doesn’t give away that he doesn’t want to be with me, only when I sneak and see his communication with her.

[Rainbowlove]

And for what it’s worth, to my face, he acts like his family is what he wants. His aura doesn’t give away that he doesn’t want to be with me, only when I sneak and see his communication with her.

 

What the hell does that mean? Nothing.

 

His actions, not his aura, are what you should be paying attention to.

 

I get the feeling he's just a meal ticket to you, so you don't care what he's doing.

 

You are completely happy sneaking around, like some kind of sickness and addiction now, trying to see what he's doing with the OW.

 

I'm out of this one.

 

There's nothing anyone can say or do here to help you, because you don't really want help.

 

Why are you here? Just reporting what he's doing....

 

So frustrating. Peace to you.

[goodyblue]

What the hell does that mean? Nothing.

 

His actions, not his aura, are what you should be paying attention to.

 

I get the feeling he's just a meal ticket to you, so you don't care what he's doing.

 

You are completely happy sneaking around, like some kind of sickness and addiction now, trying to see what he's doing with the OW.

 

I'm out of this one.

 

There's nothing anyone can say or do here to help you, because you don't really want help.

 

Why are you here? Just reporting what he's doing....

 

So frustrating. Peace to you.

 

Agreed. Sounds like everyone is happy and thriving on the drama. Absolutely cringe worthy. Yucky.

[goodyblue]

His actions towards her aren’t consistent with someone that is in love. From all my reading I have concluded that if he truly loved and wanted to be with her, nothing will stop him, not even me and my daughter, he is where he wants to be, as I see the OW told many times on the other board. He ended things with her, not the other way around. They message each other, yes, but it very limited, sometimes he doesn’t respond to her and makes her wait for days.

 

I agree she may be playing a game but it is not working like that. She has even hinted to working at an office that is very close to him and he did not even really acknowledge that, just talked around it. That was an opportunity right there for him to see her and he did not take it. That has to count for something. Also I'm sure he could be doing way more to get her attention besides liking pics.

 

And for what it’s worth, to my face, he acts like his family is what he wants. His aura doesn’t give away that he doesn’t want to be with me, only when I sneak and see his communication with her.

 

Sounds like every single one of you is playing games. If he dated her when you guys were on a break, that doesn't make her OW. Fine, he went back to you. Then he should leave her the hell alone rather than dangling a carrot in front of her face. The fact that she has feelings for him, couldn't handle the pain of him going back to you, so blocked him and he still liked her pictures was cruel. And I think you like that he chose you, which is fine, if you want to spend the rest of your life being parole officer, making sure he is being a good boy, then enjoy your life. What a mess.

[truncated]

Sounds like every single one of you is playing games. If he dated her when you guys were on a break, that doesn't make her OW. Fine, he went back to you. Then he should leave her the hell alone rather than dangling a carrot in front of her face. The fact that she has feelings for him, couldn't handle the pain of him going back to you, so blocked him and he still liked her pictures was cruel. And I think you like that he chose you, which is fine, if you want to spend the rest of your life being parole officer, making sure he is being a good boy, then enjoy your life. What a mess.

 

 

She is obviously trying to manipulate him, and he is following her like a lovesick little puppy dog.

 

Think of it this way. If she wanted to block him from her life, he would be block from all social media. He wouldn't have any opportunity to "like" her photos. If she couldn't block him, she would close the account so he couldn't contact her that way.

 

Notice the photos and likes are still there?

 

All she did was close one door and encourage him to pursue her even more, and fool that he is, he is doing just that.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would step away and leave them to their drama

and childish behavior. Smile, be nice, get your education and then get yourself and your children out of there. Leave them to their nonsense.

[goodyblue]

So the girlfriend is manipulating the husband

The husband is seeking her out

The wife is sleuthing around.

 

Sounds charming.

 

This is a problem with the husband.HE should have shut the door, not the girlfriend. Now she has told him to leave her alone. And he should.

[katielee]

think of the example you're setting your children - that's its ok to be second place, plan B, be with a person with a foot in two relationships. Would you want this for your daughter??

Even if you guys get back together and OW is out of the picture, how on earth can you respect each other? aren't you worth 100% commitment?

this relationship, and your supporting of it, boggles my mind.

[goodyblue]

think of the example you're setting your children - that's its ok to be second place, plan B, be with a person with a foot in two relationships. Would you want this for your daughter??

Even if you guys get back together and OW is out of the picture, how on earth can you respect each other? aren't you worth 100% commitment?

this relationship, and your supporting of it, boggles my mind.

 

The woman he dated is not OW. He dated her when these two were on a break someone said. That is why I have changed my stance on the girlfriend. It is these two causing problems for themselves. The girlfriend blocked his number and told him she had feelings for him and it was too hard, to leave her be. Then he went to her social media and began liking pictures. He is the douche here. And if she stays with him she deserves what she gets.

[nightmare01]

Frankly speaking - in MY situation (me and WW still together after her LTA)

 

If she contacts him in ANY way (liking a photo is a contact) - we are over.

If he contacts her and she does not block him then tell me - we are over.

If she even goes to anyplace they went together alone or with someone I don't consider a FOM - we are over.

 

And no, my WW is not on a leash. She is free to do as she likes. I don't tell her "you can't talk to OM" or "you can't go here or there". But her actions have consequences. She is free to do as she likes, and I am free to respond as I like.

 

If I were in the OP position - any contact at all, any boundary crossed, would end it all. The WS either wants to make amends and recover the M or not. If they are not ALL IN on recovery, it's not even worth the time to try.

[whichwayisup]

His actions towards her aren’t consistent with someone that is in love. From all my reading I have concluded that if he truly loved and wanted to be with her, nothing will stop him, not even me and my daughter, he is where he wants to be, as I see the OW told many times on the other board. He ended things with her, not the other way around. They message each other, yes, but it very limited, sometimes he doesn’t respond to her and makes her wait for days.

Then he is using her as an ego feed and enjoys the feelings that he feels, the dynamic there is powerful and hard to let go of. He may have some feelings for her but he obviously can separate it and put it out of his head.

 

I agree she may be playing a game but it is not working like that. She has even hinted to working at an office that is very close to him and he did not even really acknowledge that, just talked around it. That was an opportunity right there for him to see her and he did not take it. That has to count for something. Also I'm sure he could be doing way more to get her attention besides liking pics.

 

He is playing her (cat and mouse game) and she's hoping he'll choose her eventually.

And for what it’s worth, to my face, he acts like his family is what he wants. His aura doesn’t give away that he doesn’t want to be with me, only when I sneak and see his communication with her.

 

So really now, who knows what the truth is. Either he's playing you both here and there thinking he's the King or he's just stupid.

[goodyblue]

I am confused about the whole aura comment... what do you mean? Are you saying that you can see his aura?

[confusedwife1981]

I am confused about the whole aura comment... what do you mean? Are you saying that you can see his aura?

 

Well what I meant by aura, I guess I meant his actions. His actions to my face is that he wants our family. Of course his actions of not going NC are happening behind my back. He is not in my face making me feel like #2 or plan b or whatever. The way he is treating her shows she is the one on the back burner.

 

His actions also show he can't really love her or want to be with her...he wouldn't be playing these games with her, he wouldn't ignore her and he would have jumped at an oppurtunity to see her. Granted she did not actually tell him she wanted to see, just eluded to being in that area but I saw it as bait he did not take. That has to count for something.

 

She blocked him on the only site they were continuing to message...so to me that sends a clear message of ending contact.

[confusedwife1981]

As far as I know this is the first time she had been honest with him about how she felt. Can that really drive him towards her more? Now that she admitted to falling for him?

 

I keep seeing posters who think this was a manipulative, calculated move on her part and I want to know why you guys think that?

[goodyblue]

Well what I meant by aura, I guess I meant his actions. His actions to my face is that he wants our family. Of course his actions of not going NC are happening behind my back. He is not in my face making me feel like #2 or plan b or whatever. The way he is treating her shows she is the one on the back burner.

 

His actions also show he can't really love her or want to be with her...he wouldn't be playing these games with her, he wouldn't ignore her and he would have jumped at an oppurtunity to see her. Granted she did not actually tell him she wanted to see, just eluded to being in that area but I saw it as bait he did not take. That has to count for something.

 

She blocked him on the only site they were continuing to message...so to me that sends a clear message of ending contact.

 

Huh. Sounds to me like he s the one hanging on. She blocked him, he found a way around it. Your husband is the manipulator here.

 

From an outside perspective it just seems like you are making excuses for him. To your face he seems to want to be with you, but the part you should be worried about is all the shiz he is doing in secret. In any event, I'm out. I can't stand to read any more rug sweeping and justifications, it is just too much. If you were my daughter I would advise you to leave him but that seems unlikely in this scenario. Good luck.

[cocorico]

 

Granted she did not actually tell him she wanted to see, just eluded to being in that area but I saw it as bait he did not take. That has to count for something.

 

Not really. There are many possible reasons for him not "taking the bait", including him reading it as not being bait, given that she did not actually say she wanted to see him. Men can be very literal. Especially since she seems to be the one controlling the access.

 

She blocked him on the only site they were continuing to message...

 

...that you know of.

 

(And, liking her photos is also sending a message.)

 

so to me that sends a clear message of ending contact.

 

Not so clear if, in the same breath, you're telling him you've fallen for him.

 

And not blocking him on other social media, so that he can still "like" your pictures.

 

She left him a gateway, and he took it.

 

You are so desperate to interpret everything as evidence for what you want to believe. That's called "confirmation bias". Even when others - especially others who've been in the situation you're watching from the outside - are telling you that's not an accurate reading.

 

You have two choices - open yourself to other possibilities beyond those you are hellbent on believing, and relax the death grip you have on your denial; or accept that you will never be secure in your M and stop caring about what your H and his GF mean or don't mean in their ongoing communications (which will continue).

 

Or leave.

 

This insecurity will get you in the long run. You can smile and pretend your holiday will be "nice" because the kids are excited, but you'll be wondering whether he's thinking of her, pining for her, wishing she was with him & the kids instead of you.... and your smile will set and your ulcer gnaw away at you, however hard you try to assure yourself it's all fine.

[PhoenixRise]

Well what I meant by aura, I guess I meant his actions. His actions to my face is that he wants our family. Of course his actions of not going NC are happening behind my back. He is not in my face making me feel like #2 or plan b or whatever. The way he is treating her shows she is the one on the back burner.

 

His actions also show he can't really love her or want to be with her...he wouldn't be playing these games with her, he wouldn't ignore her and he would have jumped at an oppurtunity to see her. Granted she did not actually tell him she wanted to see, just eluded to being in that area but I saw it as bait he did not take. That has to count for something.

 

She blocked him on the only site they were continuing to message...so to me that sends a clear message of ending contact.

 

My first instinct was to tell you that his actions also show that he doesn't value you or the marriage...Oh he cares enough to show you what you want to see to your face, much like he cares enough to make the gesture of seeking OW out after she blocked him to like her pics even though he won't leave the marriage. But if he really cared about the marriage he would truly go NC with the OW to save the marriage.

 

But then I realized that you haven't required him to do anything to save the marriage other than give you a halfway convincing performance to your face. Anybody can do that Confusedwife. Cheating partners give convincing performances to their betrayed spouses all the time.

 

Confusedwife your husband may never leave the marriage but unless you require him to be all the way IN it as a condition of you staying (not only to your face but all the time) he will never be truly completely in the marriage with you.

 

Don't you realize that if OW doesn't block him and go away the affair will not completely end? What good does it do you if he ignores her for a few days if he resumes contact later? Why do you want the happiness of your marriage and the security of your family to be contingent on the whims of the OW?

 

Even if the OW disappears because she has gotten sick of his BS (not betrayed spouse) He won't respect you and he will always know you are willing to put up with extreme disrespect just so long as he physically stays.

 

I believe If the OW in your case disappears for good, another one will likely take her place. Because you haven't required your husband to value you, your marriage, or your family.

 

Stand up for yourself.

[Decisiontomake]

He is still in touch with her. He is still lying to your face. The search for answers on that is superfluous. Both are happening. Thats all the answers you need. You're convincing yourself of what his justifications are honey. Please read your posts as though they were from another user and think what you would think in those circumstances. You are sadly deluding yourself imho as a way to self protect.

[truncated]

As far as I know this is the first time she had been honest with him about how she felt. Can that really drive him towards her more? Now that she admitted to falling for him?

 

I keep seeing posters who think this was a manipulative, calculated move on her part and I want to know why you guys think that?

 

 

It's the old trick of playing hard to get.

 

The two of them are involved in some weird dance with one another, and you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to keep up.

 

Simple solution is to stop trying.

 

let him go and "dance" with her while you finish your education and move on to bigger and better things. get your confidence up and stand on your own two feet. Stop wasting any more of your life on this nonsense and it won't be long before you look back and wonder "what the #$^@was I thinking wasting my mental energy on the two of them?"

[Lion Heart]

As far as I know this is the first time she had been honest with him about how she felt. Can that really drive him towards her more? Now that she admitted to falling for him?

 

I keep seeing posters who think this was a manipulative, calculated move on her part and I want to know why you guys think that?

 

Confused are you serious?

 

Ofcourse if she said "I fell for you" (violins please) then said "don't contact me" THEN left ANY WAY of contacting her OPEN???

 

Sure I wouldn't "date" a married man but visit the OW section. There are, at times, techniques for picking up MM by serial OWs. Who knows????? This is almost nothing about her anyway. It's about your H who had a gf then returned and is now obsessing in some way over his exgf.

 

HE VISITED HER on social media. He's the one married to you. Not her or ANY other OW. Potential or real. This one's real. You have a WH.

 

So it's "nice" that he's showing you guys he wants to be there. Truly? At the same time he's doing his own sleuthing to find his exgf? Then LIKE her pics so she even KNOWS he is?

 

Then he's cake-eating. Visit chumplady.com for an education there.

 

Confused I thought I was naive but you are VERY naive.

 

Happy to hear you have good job prospects.

 

Work out a very practical and serious exit plan.

 

It's very obvious to me that you are DEFINITELY gonna need it OR you can do what you're doing right now. Putting up with a cake-eater. Your choice!

 

Good luck and many hopes for your clarity there.

Lion Heart.

[elaine567]

As far as I know this is the first time she had been honest with him about how she felt. Can that really drive him towards her more? Now that she admitted to falling for him?

 

I keep seeing posters who think this was a manipulative, calculated move on her part and I want to know why you guys think that?

 

You are what is known as a doormat wife.

He cheated before you got married and gave you chlamydia, he then cheated 2 weeks before your wedding. You think he has had at least two affairs since you got married only three years ago and is now conducting a EA with this younger girl who refuses to be his OW, but who HE has pressed many times for sex...

Of course, her telling him she loves him will make him happy and drive him more towards her.

She is in her twenties, who would not be flattered that some man pays her this much doting attention. Confusedwife1981 she is not the one in the wrong here, she is single, she can see who she wants, to her this is just a distraction, some fun, I guess.

He is married to you and has responsibilities yet he continues to pursue her. She may be Mata Hari or Mother Theresa, YOUR problem is with what HE does, not what she does or doesn't do.

YOU have allowed all this, allowed his bad behaviour and so he just continues.

Not only is he treating you like a doormat, he is denying you the second child you want too, as he doesn't want any more children, but he is happy enough for you to nanny his daughter.

Wake up, you are in your early thirties, you are wasting good years with this man.

[Gigigirl]

Your H is the problem and I find him to just be cruel and disrespectful to women in general. He was probably the type of son that sweet talked and hoodwinked his own mother (this rarely happens overnight). He disrespects your feelings and he disrespects hers as well.

 

No one knows for a fact that she sent that message to be manipulative but what we do know for a fact is she asked him to leave her alone, told him she couldn't stay in contact because she fell for him and that everything was still hurting her and your H still chose to go pursue her on another site because she blocked him on the other. That was very cruel and selfish on your husband's part.

 

If he isn't leaving you, then he should respect her request and leave her be. It was his way of saying "I'm not going anywhere, even if you want me to, you can't get rid of me", and he is positioning himself, in case he is ready to make a move OR hoping she will change her mind. From alot of your past posts about the EA between them, your H was the agressor in all senses and put A LOT of pressure on this younger woman. He seemed very controlling and possesive of her so this behavior from him now makes sense to me. He is still trying to control her, in a way.

 

As far as if her admitting her feelings to him will draw him closer...I think it is very good possiblity it will incite a chase in him. Maybe not out of any love he has for her, but because men know when women fall in love, they are vulnerable and easily taken advantage of by the one they love. He may pursue her more now in hopes he can manipulate the feelings she admitted to and lure her into a full blown PA.

[sandylee1]

- rather out of the fact he can't have her.

 

 

If her H really wanted the OW, he could get divorced and be with her. That's not to say that he really wants to be with his wife either. He's still there out of pity and probably a little guilt. He's in a position of power with his money.

[sandylee1]

His **** should be on the front lawn, no matter how much it costs you financially because emotionally, it's costing you your soul.

 

It's his house. In his name, so she can't do this. He had it before they got married.

[sandylee1]

Frankly speaking - in MY situation (me and WW still together after her LTA)

 

If she contacts him in ANY way (liking a photo is a contact) - we are over.

If he contacts her and she does not block him then tell me - we are over.

If she even goes to anyplace they went together alone or with someone I don't consider a FOM - we are over.

 

And no, my WW is not on a leash. She is free to do as she likes. I don't tell her "you can't talk to OM" or "you can't go here or there". But her actions have consequences. She is free to do as she likes, and I am free to respond as I like.

 

If I were in the OP position - any contact at all, any boundary crossed, would end it all. The WS either wants to make amends and recover the M or not. If they are not ALL IN on recovery, it's not even worth the time to try.

 

I agree with all this, but your not financially dependant on your wife, living in her house I presume. Lack of finances makes people stay in bad marriages. The OP has a plan.

[Decisiontomake]

Confused - please don't stop posting - I know people are getting a little direct, and maybe a little harsh in their comments, but sometimes that is what is needed and they are coming from the right place of trying to help you. Don't shut off this form of being able to vent and gain different perspectives.