Chasing_mya Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Has anyone been in a long term affair, ended it, and worked on your marriage & things improved? Did you seek couseling? Did you ever tell your spouse about the affair? After it ended, did it give you clarity of what you had at home that you may have taken for granted? Please inquire if you have been in this situation or know someone who has. Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Yes Mya, it improved. No MC, I went but figured it out after a couple of trips. Yes there was a D-Day. The key is to try and stop fantasizing about life with the other person. Focus on your marriage. When you think of AP, thing of BH. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wondering33 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Yes, it improved very much. I told my H after the first year bc I wanted a divorce but the A continued years after that, our marriage didn't change until I caught him with OW but once we really faced everything, it really changed for the better. I'm not going to lie, LTA are very hard to break (how can they not be, after so long you really do care about AP) but if you can go through all that crap,work together & really do love each other...your marriage will be stronger than you can ever imagine. You just have to stay away from AP bc in one weak moment it's possible to fall back (yes, he got me one night drunk) but i don't regret fixing my marriage for a second. Good luck to you, I've been there... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 No marriage will recover if the BH never gets the whole truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 How do you expect the clarity at home to appear when your husband has no clue that you have been having sex with another man for a long time. Since you have had no consequences there is nothing for you to look forward to except the fond memories of your illicit relationship that you this and cannot compete with . Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I am a BS We had a dday about 2 years ago We have both been in counseling- the counseling part is rougher on him than on me- he threw up about 4 or 5 sessions talking about what he had allowed himself to become-he went through a period of heavy drinking at home so he could sleep-its been hard on me, but I think its been equally hard on him- He always valued honesty and integrity-he had neither of those while he was cheating- there are times when things are really, really good and he just says out of no place "I hate me"- The other day he said, our marriage is better than ever- when I told him I disagreed and that to me its forever tainted, he cried- We would probably be further in our healing if our OW would just freaking stop intruding- He has refocused on what gives him power- it admits to feeling powerful during the affair, but now feels power from the things he had all along- a family that loves him and two boys that are just this side of amazing- I have to agree that without having to face what you have done through the eyes of the ones you love and betrayed it would be very difficult to fully grow and become redeemed- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I'm not sure what you consider long term, but even though we didn't spend a lot of time together, I was obsessed with xOM for over a year, expending so much mental energy on him rather than myself or my marriage. The A ended and I vowed to work on myself and my marriage. I knew I wanted to stay with my H (we'd been long distance for over a year and were back living together) but it was hard knowing what I had done. I told my H once I found out I had an STD. We both did IC but no MC. We talked to each other a lot, about so much, bad things, good things. The time after d-day was extremely painful and difficult. It was one day at a time. We are now over 5 years past d-day and doing well. I worked a lot on myself and understanding that happiness comes from within and not what I have/who I'm with/what I'm doing...it's about appreciating the moments we have today. My H and I communicate much better than we did before, which helps. And now we have a son. Looking back, I truly don't think I and we could've gotten to this place without d-day. Everything had to be on the table before we could decide whether to move forward together, and how. And it is so much healthier to be living honestly, not hiding anything or ever worrying about anything. Hope this helps, BSW Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Has anyone been in a long term affair, ended it, and worked on your marriage & things improved? Did you seek couseling? Did you ever tell your spouse about the affair? After it ended, did it give you clarity of what you had at home that you may have taken for granted? Please inquire if you have been in this situation or know someone who has. I'm a firm believer that if we want something badly enough, we can make it happen by the choices we make. I don't think you can define the intensity felt in an affair by measuring the length of the affair. I don't think that matters at all. What matters is what one wants. And not what one desires. They are different things. When I ended my affair, I had to be able to and willing to deal with the hurt of ending it. Many affairs don't end, even when the lovers know it needs to end, b/c they are avoiding feeling the hurt and loss. No one wants to hurt, so they stay stuck in it. We see that a lot here on LS. My wife knows everything and she knew everything while my affair was in progress. I hid nothing. Today, 17 months post affair, we're doing well. I'm happy and would never ever choose another over my wife and family. I was a dumb ass. How's that for clarity? We both did IC counseling and some MC - but mainly we just communicate our feelings openly with each other better than we ever have in our marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 It's only been about a week and it's been a roller coaster. We are doing a whole lot of talking about everything that happened. I personally think the marriage would've died if I didn't tell him, but that's just our situation. I don't want to start a war on confessing/not confessing. I'm just saying, in my marriage it was absolutely necessary. We are working on finding a MC and I'm working on finding another IC (mine retired). It literally is day by day right now but I truly believe it can be done. Refocusing the energy is hard... but now I have accountability. Anytime I get quiet and moody, he knows I'm in my head again. He says "Okay Goldie, talk to me. Let's talk it out" and we talk about it. Good and bad. Marriage or affair. It doesn't matter, the past week he's been a rock. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Chasing, how long was your affair? I'm a bs, the affair was emotional 6ish months, sexual for 4. It ended 2 yrs ago and I found out the whole truth 7 mos ago. Until he had completely confessed - completely - we were doomed. Until he could face the intense damage and consequences, we were doomed. I think the lying was about not wanting to deal with consequences, like a toddler. He had a huge break down after reading the book 'hold me tight' and realized how much he had detached from us and rejected us and how damaging that was. When that happened, I almost felt like he had taken back the crap he had dumped on me to deal with and was willing to own it. It lessened my load, my nightmares and anxiety went away. It was no longer my crap to fix, but his. I'm not healed but I feel stronger. Today at least. Link to post Share on other sites
JK321 Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Had an affair for 2 years, got found out twice during that time. I broke up the affair and separated with spouse. Then slowly went back to spouse. Both have had IC - I'm now on my 3rd therapist. I've stayed NC with AP for just over 9 months now. No desire to chase the AP anymore. Spouse still has suspicions over me keeping contact but I am not and reinforce this with spouse. I'm not in a "loving relationship" with spouse its more a co-dependency. We just get on with it as best we can and time will tell if we will make it or not in the long run. We don't have kids so no real pressure to stay together other than we carry guilt issues and separation anxieties etc.. One way of getting over my AP was to have IC but this may have backfired because I'm deeply infatuated with my therapist who is gorgeous and profoundly attentative. I've been able to discuss this with the Therapist and given the boundaries and safety of the therapeutic relationship (as intimate as it may be) nothing physical will or can ever take place so this will allow me to look deeply at my behaviour/blueprint in the safety of a counselling room. I still have urges to have an affair with someone else but my IC sessions keep me on the right track and an opportunity to re-direct my desires, emotions and project them onto my therapist providing a safer environment to practice and analyse these behaviours than do it in the big bad world of anything goes! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 One way of getting over my AP was to have IC but this may have backfired because I'm deeply infatuated with my therapist who is gorgeous and profoundly attentative. Lol. Oh god, I have heard it all now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I am a BS We had a dday about 2 years ago We have both been in counseling- the counseling part is rougher on him than on me- he threw up about 4 or 5 sessions talking about what he had allowed himself to become-he went through a period of heavy drinking at home so he could sleep-its been hard on me, but I think its been equally hard on him- He always valued honesty and integrity-he had neither of those while he was cheating- there are times when things are really, really good and he just says out of no place "I hate me"- The other day he said, our marriage is better than ever- when I told him I disagreed and that to me its forever tainted, he cried- We would probably be further in our healing if our OW would just freaking stop intruding- He has refocused on what gives him power- it admits to feeling powerful during the affair, but now feels power from the things he had all along- a family that loves him and two boys that are just this side of amazing- I have to agree that without having to face what you have done through the eyes of the ones you love and betrayed it would be very difficult to fully grow and become redeemed- Forgive him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chasing_mya Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 MidWest, I was in the affair for too long. I've been no contact for almost 2 weeks. Its been tough but I'm a work in progress and I know I'll get through this chapter in my life. I'm doing alot of soul search and self reflecting, things I've should of done a long time ago. I'm looking into IC now and just taking things one day at a time. I'm glad some were able to rebuild after the affair and wish you all the very best moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Lol. Oh god, I have heard it all now. From what I understand this is pretty common, to have a crush on your therapist. Lucky for me the two we had looks like Mrs Doubtfire and Mr Magoo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chasing_mya Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 Mrs. Doubtfire & Mr. Magoo are enough to keep anyone away lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Having a crush on your therapist is extremely common. It's part of transference, and any therapist worth his/her salt will know how to handle it. If you're honest with your therapist about it, it can be extremely helpful because it gives you a chance to examine why you become attracted to people, especially unavailable and inappropriate people. Unfortunately, some therapists need therapy themselves and they violate the trust of the therapeutic relationship by getting sexual with clients. This is not only unethical and abusive, it's grounds for loss of one's license. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Hi Mya - I'm a BS. My WS and I are reconciling, sort of. In my opinion it is not going well. For the first 6 month post Dday WS still was de-fogging. Still in denial about the true nature of the AP. Lots of blame shifting and justification. I knew about these things as being possible to overcome. I was patient bc we have a long history together and young children. Now 2 years+ post Dday, I'm not sure it was worth it. WS has shown some improvement but not enough. We did MC. I quit when I found WS lying about critical information. WS did IC but it was pointless bc WS just lied to the IC and of course IC then confirmed for WS that there was nothing wrong with WS and WS need do nothing to change. WS knows I am very close to being done with the marriage. I'm taking concrete steps to break free of what is holding me in the marriage. WS now is feeling threatened by these action and is beginning to come apart mentally from the stress of it. I'm beyond caring about that now. I just need to think about what is best for me now and even the kids. It is not good for them when one parent is so inauthentic and the other parent hopes for change that never comes. My advice to you, don't get into this limbo situation. I see it written here a lot that the WS has to "do whatever it takes to save the marriage." If you can do that, have that attitude, then there is hope. My WS never came close. So go all in for your marriage or divorce. Other wise you are wasting your time and prolonging your agony. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Forgive him. Popsicle- forgiveness is the easy part- processing the lies and betrayal is the hard part- I feel like its a process- forgiveness comes first, then processing the hurt, then accepting the new normal of a damaged marriage- I am in the processing phase right now- Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I'm still working on my marriage. I go to therapy but the truth is I don't need anyone to tell me why I had an affair. I already know. My husband and I are not in love anymore and he is distracted with sports and golf and whatever else and him knowing about the affair only changed him a little. He is trying to be more attentive but it's hard for people to changs who they are. and it's selfish to expect someone to change. I do love my husband and we have three amazing kids, we work on things everyday. But how do you fall back in love with someone? Isn't that supposed to be natural? So in answer to the posters question, I'd haveto say we are a stronger couple since he found out but it's a work in process...but I know this though, you cannot start healing until their is full disclosure... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts