Post Co-Worker Affair - So Hard to move forward

[Giraffe2014]

I am ready to tell my story. Not a spectacular story, but one I am ready to tell without feeling anxious, rejected, and quite frankly, a little psychotic! I am a 35 yr old married woman of many years, with one young son. I am married to a great man. Good looking, stable, great father and provider. But we are more like friends than lovers, great friends, this has always worked for us.

Last year was a tough year. Tough on my marriage, my family. We had a lot to deal with. I was the glue, the strong one to carry everyone. For the first time in my life I took something back and joined a gym. I took control of the one thing I could, my body. With this came a new found confidence, as the weight departed, my confidence grew. Never a large girl, always had attention from males and females alike, popular and bubbly. The control made me different. Then one night I overstepped the mark and kissed a co-worker. I shared a bed with him that night and while we didn’t have sex we decided the following Monday to have an affair.

 

I believed I was in total control. We had fun, a lot of fun, sneaking kisses in work, frolics on nights out. He is younger than me, something I have NEVER done. Always went for a stable more mature man. He was fun, loved partying like me. As we got to know each other more (Late night texting for hours) I learned hes not at happy in his 12 year relationship. Feelings grew and he pushed me for the next step on many occasions. But I knew I would never leave my husband. Never. Apparently he’s fond of the cocaine too, something we’ve never discussed, for reasons I wont go into, he knows I don’t like illegal drugs.

 

After 3 months I made it clear we were going nowhere but wanted to continue yet told him I was very bored. The messages, the stolen kisses, everything, for me, became stale. I wanted more excitement. I wanted him to take control, whisk me away and have more time together. He wanted me to control. I wanted more ego stroking. We argued. It fell apart. That was January. We kept in close contact, there were and as the months have progressed are rumors of him seeing someone else in the office (Based on his reputation I have no doubt I wasn’t the first or the last, and he confirmed I wasn’t the first). This is the only time I ever did anything like this. So when we “Ended” in Jan I found it very hard to let go. I messaged him and had meetings in between, all self-instigated. I didn’t find it hard to let go of him in particular, but of the way he made me feel, of how the excitement made me feel, young and carefree. But I didn’t want a relationship with him, I wanted my husband; you could say I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it.

 

The more he pulled away, the more I gravitated towards him. While we don’t work directly together I own a large project that we worked on and we executed that project mid-March. Up to this when the affair was in full swing we talked about nothing only this trip and how we would have time together, every evening and night, away from my husband and his long-time partner. So even though we called a halt to it many moons before the trip and I, in my sober head wanted to steer clear, it didn’t happen. We spent most nights together. The last night he held me and asked me how was he going to leave me go and accept this was the last time. I told him we had no choice and had to come home and never speak of it, or the affair again. And we both did and it hasn’t been easy.

 

So here I am now. Still working with him as I look for a new job. (We aren’t directly work related and I travel a lot so only see him once or twice a week on average, but its enough to find this hard) Word on the street is that he was with a new work girl at the weekend (speculation, yet knowing him prob true) and that he leaves this week for a romantic break with his long suffering GF. I have no idea why this bothers me. On paper and certainly I am sure in reality he would melt my head and be a guy that would tire of me like his beautiful GF. He goes out partying sometimes for days on end and spends money like its going out of fashion.

 

The more I look at me, I can see what I am. A Narcissist. I posted here already: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/517619-cant-move-emotionally-after-co-worker-affair

 

Wrong forum. For this I am truly sorry but clearly I am a self-obsessed, attention seeking person. A person I would never have described myself as being. I actually miss the excitement but of course that would have ended in disaster, deep down I am glad I am moving on. My husband and I are great friends, but the passion is well and truly gone and I love that feeling so so much. I am going to try IC. Other than that and looking for a new job I am still stuck here. Seeing him, Remembering the fun we had and the messages we shared. I have built a wall with husband I am finding hard to tear down.

 

Did anyone here manage to effectively work alongside a co-worker after the affair? Or do one of you have to leave? I am mending but its so much harder than I thought and I regret the day I started this so much.

[Hope Shimmers]

Wrong forum. For this I am truly sorry but clearly I am a self-obsessed, attention seeking person.

 

So you posted over here with the rest of us self-obsessed, attention-seeking people?

 

I don't mean to be flip; I'm just wondering what you are looking to hear that you haven't already heard in your other thread(s). Actually, most of the same people post in both forums, so I'm not sure you will get any advice you haven't already heard.

[adna89]

Talk to your husband about what troubles you,tell him you want more passion in your marriage

[Giraffe2014]

Hope Shimmers – It was a poster on the other forum that suggested I post here instead! I can either talk about it and heed advice or bottle it up. I thought coming over here was the right thing to do. I am trying to get advice and learn from others that I have been through what I have been though!

[CarrieT]

I am trying to get advice and learn from others that I have been through what I have been though!

 

The advice in this forum will be the same: Tell Your Husband.

 

Query, Giraffe - what is your rationale for not coming clean and confessing?

[whichwayisup]

It's really too bad you went outside your marriage instead of talking to your husband and both of you work together to make your passion and sex life more intense. You two could gone on sexy dates, play pick me up (pretend you're strangers) then go make out like teens.

 

Your H is a good man, a good husband, a great father and family man. Shame to throw it all away for a big ego feed and passion. As you get older the stuff that counts - Having someone you can rely on, someone who loves you unconditionally, someone who accepts ALL of you, faults and all is priceless.

 

As for the co worker, he's in it for himself and doesn't care much.

 

Hope you can find another job soon and stay away from him. Do counseling if you want a better and happier marriage. Come clean with your husband. Does he know you think you're a narcissist?

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope Shimmers – It was a poster on the other forum that suggested I post here instead! I can either talk about it and heed advice or bottle it up. I thought coming over here was the right thing to do. I am trying to get advice and learn from others that I have been through what I have been though!

 

Okay, I wasn't aware of that. And maybe you will get a few different responses here. As one of the people who has posted to your other threads, though, I am wondering why you haven't ever taken all the good advice on those threads and what you are hoping to hear now that would make a difference. It was an honest question. Thanks -

Edited April 14, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[Giraffe2014]

CarrieT – I don’t want to tell him. I want to mend me, and move on with my life as it was before I started all this. It was a short affair, why the hell am I finding it so hard? I just want to understand if anyone else has been in my shoes and learn about their journeys. Telling my husband will end my marriage, I don’t want that.

I know its bad what I did. Inexcusable. I know this oh so well. I want to get back to my old life and the man that loves me. I love him too.

Hope Shimmers, no dig intended, but I am not here to defy other posters, I am trying to follow advice and seek other advices if I can at all. I am not looking for other answers, just maybe here people will have been in a similar situation and be able to share. But I am definitely taking advice I have received, a lot of it. I haven’t told my husband, nor do I intend to take that particular piece of advice. But I have done STD testing, starting IC soon (Phone call away and getting stronger to do that) and I have, in so much so is possible, ceased all direct AP contact.

[whichwayisup]

CarrieT – I don’t want to tell him. I want to mend me, and move on with my life as it was before I started all this. It was a short affair, why the hell am I finding it so hard?

 

You said it yourself, it was about how this guy made you feel. Ego feed, excitement, spontaneous, passion.

 

Telling my husband will end my marriage, I don’t want that.

But your put your own marriage at risk for action on the side. Your husband could find out on his own one day. One thing about telling (confessing) first is you take ownership immediately and most BS's respect their WS for confessing rather than finding out on their own or being told by someone else. It's the first honest step of recovery.

[Diezel]

Query, Giraffe - what is your rationale for not coming clean and confessing?

 

To avoid the responsibility of her consequences.

And I know this because I've read the other two threads.

[Kbomb]

My advice is to not tell your husband. What good will it do? the affair is over and if you still have love for your husband and think it has a chance then focus on fixing it.

 

Telling him will help no one.

 

Maybe hes also cheated on you before? Who knows. I personally believe all men cheat - but that's just me.

 

If it was just a one time thing and you don't want to do it again, what he doesn't know wont hurt him.

 

But you yourself said your a narc, so maybe you will do it again.

 

Thats my input anyway.

[road]

You never will restore feelings of excitement for your BH as long as you are not NC with the OM. You must leave that job.

[Friskyone4u]

You are not going to get back to your old life because you are living with the knowledge of what you did and you got away with it with no consequences because you do not have enough respect for your husband to let him know he is living in a lie.

The wall you have built up will not come down because your boring stable husband cannot compare to the excitement of sneaking off to a hotel room and having affair sex.

The first thing most MC's will tell you is you cannot continue to work with him on top of your insistance on carrying around this lie.

My guess is at sometime you will be at it again since it was so much fun and your poor husband cannot even attempt to change the dynamic in your relationship because you keep him clueless. the wall aint coming down. Sorry.

[Diezel]

My advice is to not tell your husband. What good will it do? the affair is over and if you still have love for your husband and think it has a chance then focus on fixing it.

 

Telling him will help no one.

 

Thats my input anyway.

 

Wonderful advice from one cheater to another.

 

So you tell her to fix the marriage after the affair? She should have tried fixing the marriage BEFORE any affair ever happened.

[jwi71]

My husband and I are great friends, but the passion is well and truly gone and I love that feeling so so much.

 

In an A you give those very things to another and a self perpetuating cycle begins. By choice.

Luckily, its easy to choose to start giving those things to your BH again. Simply choose it.

 

However, you will, I believe, in time, discover that a full connection will not be possible with the lie between you. You cannot fully give of yourself (to your H) as you must always hide this secret and hold back. You aren't feeling the guilt yet but it can be a real b_tch when it hits. You either deal with it by facing it (coming clean) or deal with it by ignoring it. Both have consequences. Choose wisely.

 

I am going to try IC. Other than that and looking for a new job I am still stuck here. Seeing him, Remembering the fun we had and the messages we shared. I have built a wall with husband I am finding hard to tear down.

 

That wall gets no easier.

 

Did anyone here manage to effectively work alongside a co-worker after the affair?

 

Yes. But it was VERY hard and there path to healing is drawn out and fraught with peril.

 

Or do one of you have to leave?

 

This is by far the best path IMO. It prevents one from re-engaging in the A and a whole slew of other benefits as well.

 

I am mending but its so much harder than I thought and I regret the day I started this so much.

 

What do you regret and why? Very important Q for you.

 

You mentioned IC - a great start.

I would also consider MC.

Just something to consider.

[Lurkeraspect]

You're chasing "feelings" in exchange for something meaningful. It's really sad. But, the good news is, if that's your goal, you can seek divorce, set your best friend, husband free, give him a new life to pursue a woman truly devoted to him, and you, YOU, are free to seek your pleasure, screw as many men as you see fit. Hey, go for it, some men and women aren't meant for monogamy or any sort of adult relationship. You sound like one of those.

 

Just be honest, divorce you BF husband and f as many people as possible. This could be a win/win for you both.

[LifeWasted]

I asked this in the Othe R thread and I'll ask it here. Okay so you are not going to tell him. Have you considered asking him for an open marriage?

[LifeWasted]

You're chasing "feelings" in exchange for something meaningful. It's really sad. But, the good news is, if that's your goal, you can seek divorce, set your best friend, husband free, give him a new life to pursue a woman truly devoted to him, and you, YOU, are free to seek your pleasure, screw as many men as you see fit. Hey, go for it, some men and women aren't meant for monogamy or any sort of adult relationship. You sound like one of those.

 

Just be honest, divorce you BF husband and f as many people as possible. This could be a win/win for you both.

 

I agree with this. I think if she does not either do this or seek an open relationship she is just going to continue cheating. If she wants to stay married, maybe her husband will accept an open arrangement where he can have a piece of ass on the side too.

[Tullyseptember]

Good morning Giraffe,

 

Seeking counselling and actually going once you find the right fit will be very beneficial. I found it to be in my situation at least, I would not have made it through the dark days if I had not sought help. It always concerns me when I read stories and I recognize the pain of ones actions of trapping themselves in a toxic and self harming situation. Posting initially can assist in releasing those bottled up emotions, real help is going to come from someone who is trained in dealing with all the mind traps people set up for themselves. As far as posting on this board or the other as long as the moderators deem it appropriate for each board than you keep posting where you feel you are receiving the most beneficial responses. I hope though you find a great counsellor who can give you the one on one that will get to the root of where the issues stem from:)

[Chasing_mya]

That high you seek is exhilarating. I wish I could bottle that up and sell it. I'd be rich! You don't miss him, you miss the way he made you feel. In addition to joining the gym you should look into other activities that will occupy your time. You are bored and need to change the routine of your life. Talk to H about how you feel and try to spice things up. Do things that you love. Please keep away from the other man, don't jeopardize your job over someone who clearly gives everyone else the time of day. Its not worth it.

[bigman1]

I mean this very gently. You are behaving like an alcoholic working in a bar where no one knows you are an alcoholic. The only person to police your behavior is you. The only person to enforce consequences is you. Problem is, you are an alcoholic because you could not enforce those boundaries.

 

The thing is, when your husband does find out you are going to lose your marriage. Believe me, he will find out because you are getting sloppy and OM has no real reason to keep things clean and neat, What man is going to be happy hearing, "I tried to break up with him, but I was too weak"? You see, to hubby, he's gonna hear, "I tried to be faithful and loving to you, but my attraction to him was stronger. I tried to cut him off and focus on you, but my attraction to you was not as strong." That will not be a pretty picture.

 

Your only hope of saving your marriage, should you want to save it, is to risk losing it by confessing, dealing with the fall out, begging and working hard to get back. That is unless your husband is very co-dependent, in which case, he'll stay anyway. Whether you end the affair or not, he will stay and hope that you will choose him. If he is not that type of person, then begging works UNLESS, he realizes that you constantly chose the the other guy over him, like I discussed earlier.

 

You can read the infidelity section to see how men react. I hope my characterization was not offensive, but you will note a consistent theme over there of who stays, who begs, who settles, and who leaves.

[the_artist_1970]

I asked this in the Othe R thread and I'll ask it here. Okay so you are not going to tell him. Have you considered asking him for an open marriage?

 

Of course she hasn't because her world is about me, me, me. Her H is just a steady, comfortable life style. He has no right to know that his health and maybe even life is at risk because his W is sleeping around with a guy who is trolling the office looking for desperate, needy women who will give him s*x.

 

How sad for her H.

[harrybrown]

your H can't compete with a fantasy, and you can't either.

 

too bad you did not think about your son, either.

 

The AP is a horrible person, not the KISA that you think he is or was.

(knight in shining armor )

 

 

You will not tell your H. Even if you get a new job, this will not fix the next POSOM. You will still run for the unicorns.

 

Hope the stds came out ok. (that you did not get any). But be careful. Hope you did not get pregnant with the POSOM's child.

 

If you can't tear down the wall, you have lost. tell your H and file for D.

 

He deserves someone that loves and cares about him. You can't do what you did and love and respect him. but file for D, because you enjoyed pulling one over on him, that was part of the thrill, doing thinks you would not do with your H. You used all that energy on a false relationship and you can't get the real one back. the wall is too thick and without the truth, you can't get thru the wall. What if your H had an A on you? what would you want him to do to get the relationship back? It has to start with respect and truth. You can't build a relationship on lies. the marriage will not have a good foundation and will fall apart because you do not respect your H.

 

File for D and go look for your unicorns. But you will not find them.

 

Even if you never tell your H, he knows you built the wall. he can tell you are keeping your secrets protected deep inside the wall.

 

Good luck to your son your H and your entire family.

 

How would you feel if he did this to you?

[Confused48]

You say you and your H are friends and that you love him. I would not say you behave like a friend or someone that loves him. If either of these things were true, you would tell him the truth. You would never have done what you did in the first place.

 

What you have with him is not some sort of pseudo friendship either. You are a narcissist and he is one of your sources of supply. You will continue to use him as you see fit, for you own selfish needs, without regard to his well being. You are incapable of love as most people understand that term. You are incapable of being a friend to him either.

[Giraffe2014]

I SHOULD set my husband free. I genuinely feel like he’s missing out on a woman that deserves him. But it would kill him if I left. He has a history of mental illness, many moons before we met he attempted to take his own life. His mind and brain are unique, without getting into specifics; I will draw attention to the acclaimed movie “A beautiful mind”. His mind works different to mine, to most. And Lurkerapect, your post resonated with me the most, out of all received to date. If I move on, he will (Or will he) get on with it and meet the right woman. We have a child in common. I know this of many, of course our child isn’t a normal child. He is a very sick little boy and always will be.

TullySeptember – Counselling will help me. I am ready for that now. I wasn't for a while, but I am ready to be helped. I need help. I want this. Thanks so much for posting

Chasing_Mya- So do I! If we could just bottle it and sell it the world would be a better place hah! And The other guy, he isn’t worth it, he never was.

Bigman1 – Good analogy – most the time I feel like an alcoholic, trying to run away from everything. I cant do that. I am running from husband to work, where evidentially affair guy is, to exercise, to being a mother to a special needs little boy. I didn’t mention this before, hes my only child, his extra needs were never relevant to my behaviour and I accept him with every inch of my being. But I have to say it now as I tackle my issues. My last year was spectacularly bad. I don’t go indepth to that in case someone on here identifies me. He was close to finding out. But the emotional affair went in January, the sexual side is well dead approx. 3 weeks. The sexual was s much easier to move on, from emotional ending was the toughest. Because that’s what I craved and wanted. Talk, chat, companionship, not sex particularly, losing that with AP drove me mad. Just wanted someone that didn’t know the real me, or the real problems I had.

Lifewasted – Knowing my husband, knowing us both, no. Open marriage is off the cards.

Harrybrown – if he did this to me, how would I feel? I’d imagine devastated, but if I was gone tomorrow he would mourn me forever, the mans love for me is incredible. He has a deep connection, respect with me, that I proverbially threw in his face. I am trying to fix this. Confessions will come if I cant do that. My conscience is proving a difficult one to overcome

 

As the days go on, I realise how much of a joke the last few months of my time has been centered around this “affair”. I see it as a positive thing, if I had been with a decent guy, No.1 he wouldn’t have been having an affair with a married woman and No.2, if he had ticked a lot of the right boxes I could, today, be facing down the barrel of a gun and ready to end my marriage, as for a while there, I got carried away. I love my husband. Hes a good man, we have fun, we have laughs. I wanted the part of me that was a 20 something single careful girl on the nightclub dancefloor again. Feeling like that instead of a responsible mother was addictive.

I am looking at AP now, finally in the light everyone else sees him. Even how aloof and cut off from me is laughable. Please hold back the comments about me focusing on AP and not husband. He behaviour isn’t bothering me, instead I am seeing it as it really is. He has no respect for me, we had nothing. I risked my marriage for nothing. I still don’t want AP. Nothing there has changed. Maybe now hes finally realized he doesn't want me too or else he decided to stop trying as these past 3 weeks everything has changed. I do think seeing him often isn’t helping and I cant afford to quit my job, so with a heavy heart I try to find a new job, day in day out. (Heavy heart as I love my team).

What drives me a little mad, is how easily he, AP has put this all behind him and is moving on. Whether hes dillusionally focusing on his long term relationship or with someone else, he left me, in a way that seemed so easy to him, That hurt. And I know that I will and need to focus on my marriage and only that, but part of me is left knocked because of how we were once connected and now it seems like nothing. My answer is a new job. And counselling. I know this. BTW, the STD test results were negative. He gave me nothing. Also I am not pregnant.