Post Co-Worker Affair - So Hard to move forward

[Kbomb]

Diezel - Why is it that you seem to think its OK if a man cheats on his wife but when a woman does it its completely wrong????

 

You have complete double standards.

[beach]

Get a new job now. And divorce your husband so he can find a woman that respects and honors him like he deserves.

 

 

 

The new job is needed for you. Since your OM found his new side kick you're feeling left out. A new job will allow you to avoid seeing him with others.

 

And if you think your coworkers don't know you've had an affair with him - you're wrong. I'm sure everyone knows. New job is right for many reasons.

 

Your husband will be fine in the long run - heck, I'm sure he notices you aren't into him like you used to be.

 

You can date after your D is final - and find a better connection with your next man.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Giraffe....just as you have the right to not view the OM in a positive light...he also is allowed to view you/affair through his lens. Why is it important that he be "suffering" at the loss of you? Would it make the affair more palatable? And for whom? More importantly....why?

 

You see...it is in the why...that you have the power to give that to yourself through healthy means.

 

Your journey should be about SELF discovery.....not trying to figure out someone else. One simply is not privy to how others are wired, their vulnerabilities, their thought processes. One only knows what the other one is willing to share. Even then, we never know if it is just a mask.

 

You of all people should know that....as you yourself wear masks with your family. And I believe you have wore masks to yourself even.

 

IC will give you a safe place to remove those masks and see the real you. Don't be afraid....you aren't the first person who has had to confront themselves.

[lookingforclosure]

Get a new job now.

 

 

And if you think your coworkers don't know you've had an affair with him - you're wrong. I'm sure everyone knows. New job is right for many reasons.

 

 

 

 

I agree 100% about the job...because now that I am out of my A, several of my ex coworkers have made mention that it was OBVIOUS we had something hot and heavy...we are never as slick as we may like to believe. Thank God I was given the opportunity to get back to the line of work I liked..or I would be there with him amoungst the chatter

[tippydog90]

It will "kill him" if you leave?? Really? You must think very highly of youtself to say that. I doubt if you were honest with him, that it would kill him as you say. He would likely show you the door. But thats what you are afraid of. You don't respect your husband enough to be honest with him and allow him to decide his own future, because as we all know, it is all about you. The one consistent piece of advice you have been given over and over is to confess to your husband, but you refuse because you do not think he has a right to the truth, so he may makes his own choices, no you want to make those for him by your deception. So incredibly selfish of you.

 

And now to make this whole story even worse, you state you have a special needs child. So while you were out having sex with another man, your husband is left to care for a special needs child while you are out betraying him? Wow. You seriously need help. And all you continue to talk about is the OM and what he is doing, how he has made you feel. What about how you have made your husband feel? Oh yeah, I forgot, it is all about you. Please, just let your husband go, your betrayal of him is just beyond cruel. He deserves so, so much better. You are not fit for any relationship, much less one with a decent man.

[Diezel]

Diezel - Why is it that you seem to think its OK if a man cheats on his wife but when a woman does it its completely wrong????

 

You have complete double standards.

 

I am not okay with anyone cheating.

Does that answer your question?

[Giraffe2014]

Beach-harsh, a lot of truth in what you say. The tongues have been/are surely wagging in work. Only saving grace is that he hangs with lots of girls in the office.

Alwaysgrowing – AP is a bit of a simpleton, this was one of his attractive traits, and in line with being the opposite to my husband so I know in the logical sense that I am overthinking a lot of this. AP has apparently decided to focus on his relationship. I heard this through the grapevine, but hes fooling no one but himself, and fair play if he does make a real go of it. I think to him for a long time I was his scapegoat. He wanted out of his relationship and I was it. But I was always very honest and told him I wouldn’t leave my husband. He grew tired of this for sure and it unravelled. Thank God it did so as I would never ever want this guy as my partner. Which begs the question again, why do I feel a sense of loss/ Purely selfish reasons of narcissism I’d imagine.

I absolutely need to take a new view of this journey. Everyday I get a bit stronger and I need this to be a focus on me as a person and stop looking at AP, and trying to figure out his thoughts and motives as really this isn’t and never was about him as a person.

Tippydog90 – I do have a high opinion of myself. I was raised to love myself and be proud of me and look after me. Not to be selfish but to be happy and confident. It could potentially kill my husband. Because he has a history of depression and is, by nature a deep dark soul. That doesn’t take from my acts of selfishness over the past few months, that is not a fact I have the audacity to argue with.

We have a special needs child. Hes a fantastic father and very hands on. Because of his devotion to his child, same as mine, we will be bound together forever. The bind is beautiful is so many ways.

[Akheron]

Bothof your threads are just so pathetic that I don't even know where to begin.

 

I'll just ask this . What do you want? Such a simple question. What do you want?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Beach-harsh, a lot of truth in what you say. The tongues have been/are surely wagging in work. Only saving grace is that he hangs with lots of girls in the office.

Alwaysgrowing – AP is a bit of a simpleton, this was one of his attractive traits, and in line with being the opposite to my husband so I know in the logical sense that I am overthinking a lot of this. AP has apparently decided to focus on his relationship. I heard this through the grapevine, but hes fooling no one but himself, and fair play if he does make a real go of it. I think to him for a long time I was his scapegoat. He wanted out of his relationship and I was it. But I was always very honest and told him I wouldn’t leave my husband. He grew tired of this for sure and it unravelled. Thank God it did so as I would never ever want this guy as my partner. Which begs the question again, why do I feel a sense of loss/ Purely selfish reasons of narcissism I’d imagine.

I absolutely need to take a new view of this journey. Everyday I get a bit stronger and I need this to be a focus on me as a person and stop looking at AP, and trying to figure out his thoughts and motives as really this isn’t and never was about him as a person.

Tippydog90 – I do have a high opinion of myself. I was raised to love myself and be proud of me and look after me. Not to be selfish but to be happy and confident. It could potentially kill my husband. Because he has a history of depression and is, by nature a deep dark soul. That doesn’t take from my acts of selfishness over the past few months, that is not a fact I have the audacity to argue with.

We have a special needs child. Hes a fantastic father and very hands on. Because of his devotion to his child, same as mine, we will be bound together forever. The bind is beautiful is so many ways.

 

 

Just wanted to point out that a proud, confident, happy, loving themselves person would NOT be attracted to a so-called simpleton..not to mention be emotionally distraught by being rejected by such a person. That is not to say....that you don't portray yourself as a proud, confident, happy, loving themselves person.

 

 

One has to wonder how many of those attributes are really there.

[Giraffe2014]

Akheron – I wanted my cake and wanted to eat it. But that’s not how humans operate and emotions came in. The Affair is over, both emotionally and physically and in all honestly, since the work trip, I’ve not found it that hard. The limited contact from the affair finish in January till the work trip was more of a head wreck as neither of us were done until then, it was a game of cat and mouse. We simply do not talk anymore. Not one to one. And this feels fine now. Now I want to get on with my life, with my husband and child and leave the past where it is and if I ever do it again I will take a close look in the mirror and hope I have the balls to walk away.

[Mazerati]

Akheron – I wanted my cake and wanted to eat it. But that’s not how humans operate and emotions came in. The Affair is over, both emotionally and physically and in all honestly, since the work trip, I’ve not found it that hard. The limited contact from the affair finish in January till the work trip was more of a head wreck as neither of us were done until then, it was a game of cat and mouse. We simply do not talk anymore. Not one to one. And this feels fine now. Now I want to get on with my life, with my husband and child and leave the past where it is and if I ever do it again I will take a close look in the mirror and hope I have the balls to walk away.

 

Giraffe, PM'd you.

 

Maz

[Akheron]

Akheron – I wanted my cake and wanted to eat it. But that’s not how humans operate and emotions came in. The Affair is over, both emotionally and physically and in all honestly, since the work trip, I’ve not found it that hard. The limited contact from the affair finish in January till the work trip was more of a head wreck as neither of us were done until then, it was a game of cat and mouse. We simply do not talk anymore. Not one to one. And this feels fine now. Now I want to get on with my life, with my husband and child and leave the past where it is and if I ever do it again I will take a close look in the mirror and hope I have the balls to walk away.

 

Sorry, but this is nothing more than a condensed summary of everything you've posted to date. My question is deeper than that.

 

If I had to take a guess, your brain is jumbled mess of thoughts and fears of which you're trying to navigate and process in futile manner. If I may, I'd like to suggest an excercise that has helped me.

 

Take some time to yourself and sit down and write out 'what you want'. This could be anything. From self enlightenment to a red mustang convertible. Itemize them one by one. After each 'want', write why you want it. Be honest. Dig deep. Throughout your self reflection the things that matter the most will rise to the top, the others will fall to the wayside. Believe it or not, but marriage does not necessarily always 'rise to the top'. Once you have your 'wants' prioritized, you can then come up with a plan on how to achieve those wants and you'll clearer understanding of why.

 

You can do this with the aid of a counselor, but it's not necessary. In fact doing this before you see a counselor may give him/her insight as how to proceed with your therapy if you choose to see one.

 

You really need to see a counselor.

[beach]

You have claimed to have been faithful for 30 years.

 

But really that's just deceiving. You included your baby and childhood years.

 

Let's talk about how many years you've been married - and how many of those you've cheated... But really when it comes down to it - any person married for tons of years and once they cheat indicates the cheater is broken and needs to do work on self.

 

What work are you doing to repair what's broken on the inside?

 

 

Did you quit that job yet?

[Popsicle]

It seems that what other WS's who want to stay married do is just forget about their AP. Just forget about him. It's the only way. You don't need to tell your spouse either.

 

As for restoring your marriage, it was likely gone before you had the A and I don't know what to tell you on how exactly to restore it, I personally don't think it's possible, but so what? Stay married anyway and don't cheat again. Your husband sounds great.

[mokamint7]

Talk to your husband about what troubles you,tell him you want more passion in your marriage

 

I agree with this. Work on you and your husband's relationship and make it your mission to get that passion back. He can't fix what he doesn't know is broken. I also don't think you should tell him about the A, but I can't give you a big explanation as to why I think that.

[mokamint7]

Talk to your husband about what troubles you,tell him you want more passion in your marriage

 

I agree with this. Your husband can't fix what he doesn't know is broken. Take the time and energy to work and fix your marriage. I also don't think you should tell him about the affair, but I can't give you a big explanation as to why I think you shouldn't tell him.

[unseendamage]

"Overstepped the mark and kissed the co-worker" ... do you mind if I ask how this happened? Was there a request from him or was it just sexual tension building up over time?

[Akheron]

So what happened to her thread in the infidelity section?

[Goochio]

Giraffe, I've read all your posts from start to finish this afternoon. I am in exactly the same situation with a co-worker but I am the OM. The difference is that I genuinely want what is best for the lady I am involved with and I am a decent guy. Trying to put everything aside and let her get on with her life. She sounds so much like you it's unbelievable. I just want to tell you to go easy on yourself. Situations lead people to do all kinds of things and the addiction involved in these situations is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced. I hope you are doing ok of late Giraffe and wish you the very best for the future.