feelingnumb Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 this is my first post and it comes at a very bad time. i am a 24yr old girl and my boyfriend is 29. he is from an orthodox family and our religions differ. its been more than a year since the start of our relationship. before we fell in love, he had given his word to his parents that he would marry a girl of their liking- an arranged marriage. and they want to get him married before he turns 30!! so the fate of our relationship was a question mark from the start. along the way, we got really serious and he contemplated marrying me against his family's wishes. this happened many times, but he never took any action. now his family is trying to fix him up with girls and he keeps rejecting them, but doesn't take a stance for our relationship. from my side i did want to settle down with him. i've had a very turbulent life so far and regretted many things. he completely turned my life around, help me grow, learn many things. he has been amazing to me. i really do not want to lose him. i was prepared to talk to my family about it when the time comes. thing is , my family is orthodox as well. still, i did not bother about the differences and though i respect my parents, i want to decide about my life for myself. i do not understand why my boyfriend has given up on our relationship and accepted his fate so easily. he has always been the sort of person to get his way on everything. yet it bemuses me as to why he isnt deciding about his life partner. he has given into the social and cultural pressure. this means that he will get married within 6 months. and i have to go through that period watching him getting married. it is devastating. and he asks me to be strong. he says he will miss me everyday too and that he will never love another like me and that he would like to keep in touch and seeing me everyday even after his marriage. and he says he will love me forever and always be with me (though not as my partner). recently, he has put the ball in my court to talk to my parents about the relationship. and he says that once i talk to them, he will talk to his parents as well. he has pointed out all the negatives of going against the will of our parents- like finances etc etc . this makes me feel that he really isn't for it. i am so lost now. i can talk to my parents. but they aren't even thinking about my marriage now, so it will be a bolt from the blue for them. i am ready to face the heat and fight tooth and nail for him. but the lack of motivation from his side really pulls me down. do i fight for him, knowing fully well that he isn't 100 % for it? he seems to be happier following his parents' wishes! he says he will cherish the time and memories with him as the best time of his life and live with those happy memories. on the other hand, i dont want to give up. i feel we are worth the struggle and that we can make this work somehow. or do i just give up like him and resign myself to my fate? i love him way too much to see him marrying another girl. it will break me and i have to find a way to cope with the loss and be strong i will regret not being with him, i will regret it everyday please help !
d0nnivain Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 You let him go. He's been on a certain path for his whole life. For this past few months you walked part of his way with him but it's time for you to part ways. He needs to follow his faith & his family's wishes because he's not strong enough to go against them. If he choses you he has to give up everything he ever knew & he can't do that. If he could, he'd be doing it, not leaving you wondering. Please don't think I'm knocking him. I don't know too may people who could walk away from everything Sorry. 7
ZiggyZoo Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 You need to let him go. If he hasn't talked to his parents yet, then he's not likely to. He can tell you that he loves you, will never love another, etc all he wants, but actions speak louder than words. And he's showing you that he's not going to stop this marriage. I would absolutely, absolutely advise against having any contact with him once he's married. It won't be fair to you to have to have your heart broken every time you see him, and it won't be fair to his new wife either. I understand that she's probably the last person that you care about in this situation, but it isn't right to do it to her. She doesn't have a choice in this, either. It is extremely selfish on his part to even ask this of you. I know that you feel like you'll never be happy again, but I can promise that you will. You have so much of your life to live, you deserve someone who is truly available for any type of relationship. 4
PegNosePete Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 He has made his choice. You would be well advised to steer clear. NC him, and move on. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I'm sorry OP but you both knew what you were getting into from the start. He has made it clear that his parent's wishes and his faith are paramount to whatever it is you had together. By all accounts he didn't deceive you or put false hopes into your head so it should not come as any surprise to you. I know this is painful but the writing was on the wall right from the beginning. As for remaining in contact with you after he marries, that is a very bad idea and a recipe for disaster for everyone involved. I'm surprised he's even mentioning it assuming that his family and faith would not look kindly on infidelity of any kind. Pray for strength and let him go. 2
Nolan 93 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 He is from a traditional family setting, and yes you most likely love him but you shouldn't Rush marriage. I've seen it a couple times when the man is very traditional to the family ways, and guess what they always lose their lovers. If he isn't strong enough to say no and push back the marrige until you are both ready then should be a flag to leave. Remember there is more traditional ways he would have to follow than to just marriage. Think about it, maybe they don't allow their wives to have a job, and just raise the kids. Idk but I've seen it before and its all on him to decide you or his traditional ways. I would of course choose my lover over any religion of custom ways. It's sad when this comes between two lovers. 1
CarrieT Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 he would like to keep in touch and seeing me everyday even after his marriage. and he says he will love me forever and always be with me (though not as my partner). Yeah - he wants to set you up to be his mistress. Don't fall for it. He has made his decision and - essentially - made it for both of you. Interesting that he sees honor in abiding by his parents' wishes to an arranged marriage to someone he doesn't love, but has no honor in wanting to degrade you with a relationship that can't be acknowledged by any of your family. 4
elaine567 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Yeah - he wants to set you up to be his mistress. Don't fall for it. He has made his decision and - essentially - made it for both of you. Interesting that he sees honor in abiding by his parents' wishes to an arranged marriage to someone he doesn't love, but has no honor in wanting to degrade you with a relationship that can't be acknowledged by any of your family. CarrieT is right here do not sacrifice yourself for a man who basically wants his cake and eat it at the same time. So much for honor and religion if he is going to cheat on his wife with you. He doesn't "love" you, if he truly loved you he wouldn't be marrying someone else and asking you to be his mistress. 1
No Limit Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Let him go. He's grooming you to be his future sidepiece. I'm sorry but there's less love from his side than you believe. Break off contact to him and find a better guy - who doesn't depend on what his family orders him to do.
spiderowl Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I don't know much about the pressures from parents for people of orthodox faiths but I think you have summed up the situation well: "do i fight for him, knowing fully well that he isn't 100 % for it? he seems to be happier following his parents' wishes!" I think if your boyfriend loved you as much as you love him, he would be fighting for you tooth and nail. He may have become uncertain, for whatever reason, but I can't see that this is doing you any good at all. Why should you be the one to go first and talk to your parents when he is the one who seems to have an issue with his parents? I think he's just palming the responsibility off on you in a kind of 'well, if you want it so much, you can take the risks' kind of way. I know it would be terribly hard for you but leaving this guy would mean your self-respect remained intact. It might show him what he's missing too, but I wouldn't bank on that. I would assume if you leave him, you will be free to find someone more definite about his love for you.
Seeker12 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Hmm, sounds slightly similar to my story. BTW me and my ex are 22 so a few years younger. BUT, my ex was the one to approach her parents about marriage to me, after which she and i got shot down pretty quickly. Now here is the similarity perhaps? We DIDNT fight for it, my ex wanted to fight but i was more reserved, mainly because of what an earlier poster mentioned, you may lose everything its a huge ask. I could straight away see that if my parents (yes we are traditional so have to go down that route) were to approach her parents, then to receive a no from them, obviously as her parents have so soon decided no, would mean the door to her from my side was completely closed. Not only that, i assumed that the emotional issues she would go through with her family, and i with mine would be a helluva lot, especially with no guarantee of marriage at the end, at then both of us having had dragged our families through all of it, and even within and if they eventually accepted the marriage, her parents not warming to me and me having to live with that. One thing i realised personally was you dont marry the individual, you also marry the family in a sense. There were many factors which eventually supported my decision, like a cost benefit analysis, sometimes do i regret it? Yes, other times, no. Maybe theres more to it? Im not defending your boyfriend, im just saying, my ex was very emotional after her parents said no, look at it rationally, if even after that it doesnt add up, then your boyfriend isnt worth it. Yes we can sucked into the fantasy of fighting for eachother, but what is the reality?
Author feelingnumb Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 Hi all.. Thanks a lot for all the replies! Really helped me understand my situation. It has been a turbulent and hectic time after my first post, both at work and personally. So after I posted about the situation , I spoke to him and told him that I accepted him moving on with his life and that I wouldn't force him into marrying me(which he really isn't into) .he got really depressed and said that he was sorry he couldn't do anything about his situation and that he would give me a little more time with him and not say yes to any girl immediately. But the deadline for his marriage is October. He refused to speak more about this issue and was normal to me. Our work lives kept us busy after that. And we didn't talk more about it. Meanwhile his parents had zeroed in on a potential girl and had taken the proceedings ahead by meeting the girls family. He told me he was against it and that he would say no to this girl so I will at least have time to mentally prepare for his marriage. Now he has gone to his hometown and met the girl, and says she is good. I don't know what that means. He said that he has to say yes or no by tomorrow. And here I was planning our movie date not knowing that he might say yes. Again I get the same words from him - I will never leave u, I won't stop loving u, none of our future dates will get cancelled. This isn't easy for me , I miss u a lot.. Blah blah. I am dumbstruck. I don't know what to feel. I just feel dead. It wasn't meant to be this soon. How can I go out with him when he is promised to another ? After his marriage , it is not fair to his wife if he keeps seeing me. He is adamant that he wants to be in touch with me . My question is .. How do I cope now? I feel so lost. I knew this was coming some day but not out of the blue like this. Please help
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 East Indian? If so, than yes family social status is far, far more important than individual feelings for most. I so don't understand that culture when it comes to that subject. Very high infidelity rates with the males. Many are very chauvinistic. I wonder if many of them know what true love is. I'd go NC the day he gets married.
Author feelingnumb Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 Yes , south east Indian. My family is a bit more liberal minded . he is from an orthodox south Indian Christian family. I am really lost for words or emotions now.
Author feelingnumb Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 All he keeps saying is that he is feeling terrible and guilty for what he is doing to me. I don't know how that is a supposed to make me feel better. He has said yes to the girl. Earlier , he had promised many times that he would be supportive and help me through this phase. As in be there as a friend for me. Today , he told me thru text that he has said yes to the girl,, and shouted at me when I called him that I am making him mad. He isn't strong enough to handle this and doesn't know what to do at this point. I don't have the strength to watch him get married .. But I feel too weak to go NC right away
CarrieT Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 How can I go out with him when he is promised to another ? Don't go out with him. Stop seeing him and go No Contact. There is no reason to keep future dates with him when he is promised to another and can't give you anything but more heartbreak. It will hurt a lot less now than it will closer to the wedding date. 2
Author feelingnumb Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 You're right. It feels as if I'm in an abyss now. Cannot imagine what it would feel like to be in contact with him during his marriage ! But he has been the most important part of my life for more than a year and I've honestly had the best time with him. Will I be OK? How do I move on?
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 You have to go no contact here, else every event he has to go through re his marriage will be like pulling out your toenails one by one. This will be excruciatingly painful for you. You have to just end it now and then start rebuilding your life with out him
CarrieT Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 Y But he has been the most important part of my life for more than a year and I've honestly had the best time with him. Will I be OK? How do I move on? Realize that the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE is YOU! You won't be okay if you stay in contact with him. Of course it will hurt to move on, but each day you go without contact from him will be another day of healing. The first and hardest step will be the first one - that first day you tell him to leave you alone. Each day after that will get a little easier. 4
spiderowl Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 You don't owe him anything here as he is choosing someone else ahead of you (for whatever reasons he gives). He wants to have both: you and the new wife. One poster said go no contact when he marries. I would say go no contact the minute he starts opting out, like even allowing his parents to search for a wife for him. I could not contemplate dating someone who had agreed to marry someone else. He has chosen his path and there is no reason why you should hang around supporting him and hurting yourself more into the bargain. You deserve so much better than this. You sound a lovely person. xx 1
still_an_Angel Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 You need to let him go now, its causing you too much heartache and it will only get worse. Clearly he has no intention of backing out of his arranged marriage, so sorry to be blunt but if you're thinking something will miraculously change, most probably not. His family has already decided, and he doesn't have the inclination to go the other way. Is he seriously thinking he'd get to keep you even though he is married? You'd better get things going now, work on yourself that you will remain strong and firm, let him go and move on with your life. 1
ls819 Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I had a really similar situation... you have to just stop communicating ... there's no other way to do it. You are making the right choice for yourself and you just have to be stronger than him. Take care of yourself first., and you will move on in time... One day you will see that you did right by yourself and that you're strong
OK_computer Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 (edited) feelingnumb listen to me, I'm telling you this because I think this will truly help you and i've literally put myself out there with my information so maybe you can realize where you are right now. It's important that you read this and understand, as few on this forum will be able to give you this sort of relevant advice: I'm an American of Indian descent, I went to India to study medicine for the last 5 years. In my 2nd year I met a girl who I loved so earnestly. It was a tumultuous relationship with too many on and offs, and breakups, heartache, etc. I still love her to this day, but she hates me, she thinks I'm a horrible person. I had no choice but to go no contact a year ago, but I never stopped loving her. Now in our last year of our degree, I now know that her parents are searching for a husband, infact next month, she's having a sitting with a prospective husbands family and him, in a month. I just found out and I am devastated. Me and her are the same caste, but she wants to live in India but I'm going back to the USA next year this time for good. I have NO OTHER CHOICE but to move on, really really move on. The other choice I have is to arrange a meeting with her parents and mine, as she will only marry who her parents decide is fit for her, that is her ways. We're both south indian brahmins. I can talk to her parents, but she hates me. I can talk to her and tell her everything of how I truly feel, but she hates me. I dreamt for over a year that one day the fact her and i are from the same caste, will help me in having her as my wife, but it will never happen. I will have to sacrifice my self respect (beg her parents) and my home (america) where I was born and raised, for her and india, and the possible infidelity that may lay if the fates allowed our marriage. I'm telling you all this because...arranged marriages..are absolute. I too dream of changing the fates, but that can never happen. If I had never fought with her through my years of study, I would have proably had a good chance...but now there is nothing. I too will have to see her get married away within a short period of time, and it the permanence, impossibility, and finality of an arranged marriage that can never be debated. He will NOT divorce her. There is no going back. And they would rather marry someone they don't know and start and new life and 'grow to love' than to object parental advice-cultural norms. My parents loved each other, but they were the same caste, and that's the only way that both of their parents accepted and even then, because they were different sects of priests, my dads parents treated my mom like garbage. I'm a just as devastated as you feelingnumb. I started smoking cigarettes again and freaking out to God for why this is happening. I'm a stranger to these forgein beliefs, regardless of where I descended from. And I have to face this daily at school, and it's beyond the horror that words can describe. Please move on. Edited May 3, 2015 by OK_computer changes 1
OK_computer Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 You let him go. He's been on a certain path for his whole life. For this past few months you walked part of his way with him but it's time for you to part ways. He needs to follow his faith & his family's wishes because he's not strong enough to go against them. If he choses you he has to give up everything he ever knew & he can't do that. If he could, he'd be doing it, not leaving you wondering. Please don't think I'm knocking him. I don't know too may people who could walk away from everything Sorry. Donovain, If you have read my post on this thread. This also applies to me also. And my love my her is strong enough that i was willing to sacrifice my home, where I grew up, (NYC/NJ/NEW HAMPSHIRE) for this girl. I was willing to give up EVERYTHING.. to stay her for her.... But donovain...I don't know if I can sacrifice my self respect and beg her parents only to be shot down like DDAY omaha beach 1943 ya know? Love makes us to crazy stuff, hell we're not thinking clearly, our reality is distorted. I still think about talking to her parents...but to what level will this horror/situation go to if I do that? But a part of me also thinks, will I regret the rest of my life for NOT trying..asking? What will I regret the most? And what does God want me to learn?
Author feelingnumb Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 feelingnumb listen to me, I'm telling you this because I think this will truly help you and i've literally put myself out there with my information so maybe you can realize where you are right now. It's important that you read this and understand, as few on this forum will be able to give you this sort of relevant advice: I'm an American of Indian descent, I went to India to study medicine for the last 5 years. In my 2nd year I met a girl who I loved so earnestly. It was a tumultuous relationship with too many on and offs, and breakups, heartache, etc. I still love her to this day, but she hates me, she thinks I'm a horrible person. I had no choice but to go no contact a year ago, but I never stopped loving her. Now in our last year of our degree, I now know that her parents are searching for a husband, infact next month, she's having a sitting with a prospective husbands family and him, in a month. I just found out and I am devastated. Me and her are the same caste, but she wants to live in India but I'm going back to the USA next year this time for good. I have NO OTHER CHOICE but to move on, really really move on. The other choice I have is to arrange a meeting with her parents and mine, as she will only marry who her parents decide is fit for her, that is her ways. We're both south indian brahmins. I can talk to her parents, but she hates me. I can talk to her and tell her everything of how I truly feel, but she hates me. I dreamt for over a year that one day the fact her and i are from the same caste, will help me in having her as my wife, but it will never happen. I will have to sacrifice my self respect (beg her parents) and my home (america) where I was born and raised, for her and india, and the possible infidelity that may lay if the fates allowed our marriage. @ok_computer.. Thanks .. I can relate to your situation and I can understand what you are going thru. In fact , I am a south Indian brahmin too, finished med school a couple of years back and going thru the stress of post grad now.. This news from him has come at a very bad time and I'm struggling to keep myself together. My family has had inter caste and south indian-north Indian weddings and so they are a bit more open minded. His age and his religion and customs were the deciding factors in our relationship. I keep questioning as to why he never even wanted to take an initiative. He says that he wishes he was younger or from a more understanding family.and that he really wants to be with me. All that just hurts a lot more. He spoke about doing something about it many times, but never did. I keep looking for answers but have none. Resorting to reading self help books and meditation to keep myself from falling apart. Stress at work is too much to handle by itself leave alone this. Some times I want to quit and go away from it all.. Don't have many friends either. Turning to spirituality for help, awakening and comfort.
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