Author hawkeye_pierce Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Not surprising. Hope this brings clarity to your present situation and the chance for long-term growth and peace of mind in your future. In your current circumstances, knowledge is truly power... Mr. Lucky I feel like I can trust myself again. I knew something wasn't right but couldn't prove anything. Now I know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Say nothing to her about zero. Act "as if" you are the dummy she takes you for, while you get all your ducks in a row with Attorney. Where there is smoke, there is fire. Keep looking. Discuss appropriate means to gather evidence. File first - have you attorney explain the strategic advantage to such. I hope you keep posting. We are here to help you. We comprehend what is going down. For your consideration, Yas I'm going to keep posting. It's cathartic. I'm keeping a journal of everything and it goes back several months. Should come in handy if I need to show patterns of behavior. The meet today went well. This attorney was a referral from someone who used them. I have a good feeling about them and they were able to put my mind at ease about some serious issues. As far as the "wife" goes, she has no clue and I'm still just playing nice while I get things lined up. I have another counselling session on Wednesday. I'm hoping he can give me some advice on how to handle things. I'm not filing yet because I also have an interview of sorts next Wednesday. Would prefer to have some kind of idea of a job lined up before I file. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Well, I've got my lawyer's retainer paid for (gift from family member) and got to talk to my previous employer yesterday. Didn't go how I wanted but there may be something in a few months. One of the guys I used to work with told me to send him his resume though because his wife's company has an opening. Seems like it's a general office/clerical type job but it would be something, as long as the pay is enough to get me on my feet. I'm doing things for myself now. Got to see a movie by myself for the first time in a long time. I'm working out still but I'm doing it for me and the kids, in hopes that it keeps me on the right side of the dirt longer. It's also helped me mentally in a big way. I was sick for a while and couldn't work out. I noticed that when I couldn't get to the gym, I got depressed. When I got back in there I became more confident in every decision I'm making. I can live with things as they are right now until I find a job. That is, as long as my crazy wife doesn't get crazier. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Did you ask your lawyer about spousal support? Your wife may be ordered to pay more if you're not working. May be more effective to file now showing you unemployed... Did you ask? And what did you find out about what your wife has been up to? I'm sorry it's ending this way, hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Spousal support isn't guaranteed where I live though the lawyer did say that she thinks I can get it based on the situation and length of the marriage (over to years). This was a big hit to my ego. I know it's not all my fault but the thought of ME filing while I don't have a job... it'd make me feel worse. Now, I can't control what my wife does. If she files, then so be it. I think she'll be surprised to learn I have someone on retainer. As far as what I found out, I'd rather not say right now. Maybe further down the line. There's enough that I've already written that she could probably guess it's me writing this but details will give it away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Typo in my last post. Been married over TEN years. Anyway, found out for sure today that she did in fact have, at the minimum, an emotional affair. My source actually told me they would give me a written statement of what she said if it would help my cause. I already knew this but it was because I snooped on her phone. The other party is a friend of mine. Why she decided to open up to them, no idea. Maybe she was hoping to get caught like this. I'm still just playing dumb with everything though I tend to ignore her now when the kids aren't around. I can tell it's bothering her and I couldn't care less. She wants to come home and tell me about her day and all she gets is silence. I have therapy tomorrow. Gonna ask them how to handle the kids questions. They know something is up because mommy and daddy aren't sleeping in the same room anymore. This is the only part that's heartbreaking for me anymore. I've accepted the fact that the person I married is dead and now I just have a really ****ty roommate. Edited May 13, 2015 by hawkeye_pierce Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Dear HP I guess I'm sort of in the position of your W (leaning out, feeling guilty, trying to stay friendly) in my own M so I'll try to share my perspective. I care about my H and his future and his current feelings and love him in a certain way. I'm just pretty sure I don't want to be married to him anymore. I still want to be great co-parents with him, though. I also am open to that chance that things could possibly turn around for us as a couple and for our M, but I'm pretty sure they won't. Still, I'll never say never at this point. I get it that he is in a tailspin over my words when I say "I'm not sure if we're going to make it." But when he lashes out at me personally, my greatest hurt is not over the words he uses or his sarcasm toward me, but the hurt is that it will make co-parenting (or even the possibility of reconciliation) really difficult. When it gets too awful between us, it makes me want to throw in the towel without giving it more effort. It makes me brace for a hostile future with him and this will hurt our kid most of all. I'm sorry you are in pain and maybe our situations are different. Just wanted to share my perspective if it can be of use. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 Dear HP I guess I'm sort of in the position of your W (leaning out, feeling guilty, trying to stay friendly) in my own M so I'll try to share my perspective. I care about my H and his future and his current feelings and love him in a certain way. I'm just pretty sure I don't want to be married to him anymore. I still want to be great co-parents with him, though. I also am open to that chance that things could possibly turn around for us as a couple and for our M, but I'm pretty sure they won't. Still, I'll never say never at this point. I get it that he is in a tailspin over my words when I say "I'm not sure if we're going to make it." But when he lashes out at me personally, my greatest hurt is not over the words he uses or his sarcasm toward me, but the hurt is that it will make co-parenting (or even the possibility of reconciliation) really difficult. When it gets too awful between us, it makes me want to throw in the towel without giving it more effort. It makes me brace for a hostile future with him and this will hurt our kid most of all. I'm sorry you are in pain and maybe our situations are different. Just wanted to share my perspective if it can be of use. Good luck. I think we're in kinda the same roles, sexes reversed. My wife was the one that did the lashing out. I was the one that wanted to try and work on things. I was the one that put in the effort. She never did. My pain now only comes from knowing that this whole process will be really tough on our kids. It doesn't matter though. Not to my wife anyway. I am starting to wonder if she really wanted kids. I'm actually at the point now where I'm looking forward to being done. I have a lot of love to give and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. I want my kids to see what a real, loving relationship is supposed to look like so that, hopefully, they won't end up in a toxic relationship like I'm in now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I want my kids to see what a real, loving relationship is supposed to look like so that, hopefully, they won't end up in a toxic relationship like I'm in now. Yes! I totally agree with you and that is one of my motivations too. I didn't grow up seeing a healthy, intimate relationship from my parents and I know I'm not modeling one now for my daughter. I'm starting to think it is one of the most important things that a parent can do for a child ... model what a healthy and loving partnership should look like and get out of any relationships that aren't exemplary. Sorry if I misunderstood your position before. Glad you aren't lashing out and that you are stepping through this with your children's future in mind. You'll end up just fine, I know it. Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I'm starting to think it is one of the most important things that a parent can do for a child ... model what a healthy and loving partnership should look like and get out of any relationships that aren't exemplary. Hey you two, I'm in the crap boat with you as well. In my case it's over, but I just wanted some time with my SD. SG, not to pick on you, but your quote above says exemplary. I'm not sure any relationship is, except for the Brady bunch. Please don't be hard on yourselves if things aren't just right. Life is for those who can deal with hardships, and a "perfect" childhood is not a great primer for that! Anyway, getting back to ME! My wife gave me a whole load of crap for saying I wanted to spend some time with my step daughter. She hates me so much right now, I find it hard to fathom. I don't get it, all I ever wanted to do was love her and have her love me back. That was too much to ask. I'll still be friends wit SD via text, it's what I have. In your cases, nobody can know but you and your exes (or whatever you call them,) but it's toxic being in a relationship with hatred. If there's hatred, time apart is the best medicine, and it may lead to permanency. It's not pretty! My best to you both! Ken 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hawkeye_pierce Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 Wow, just went over the whole thread again. I'm in such a better place mentally now it's crazy to see where I came from. I still have bad days but damn. I am REALLY looking forward to being divorced. No job yet but looks like something will come through next month. Former coworker is quitting to stay home since she was only working to pay off debt. Her husband told her to quit if she wanted to stay home with their kids. On top of that, she said she wants to watch my kids and wouldn't charge me close to what daycare does. The job I'll be going back to is right in the middle of one of the best school districts in the state and also where I am looking at houses. Literally, I could walk to work if I can get a home in this neighborhood. I'm much happier these days. I don't really care what's going on with the she-beast anymore. We don't talk outside of when the kids are around. What's funny is that I've known her long enough to see now that she really regrets what she's done but she'd NEVER, EVER, own up to her mistakes. Just makes me realize that this is going to be a great thing for me and the boys. I'm also still working out. I saw someone that hasn't seen me in a very long time and they didn't recognize me. I'm smaller now than I was when I first met my wife over 16 years ago. Total I've lost 80 pounds now. It's crazy what losing that much weight can do to your self confidence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 That's nice to hear Hawkeye, it's good to see you post and have a positive outlook on your life! Best of luck to you. Ken Link to post Share on other sites
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