Heartbroken and suddenly separated after 8 years.

[Eloxa]

It's been 16 days since my husband (27 M) decided to tell me (29 F) he didn't love me anymore, he no longer wanted this home or this life and he was leaving me. He felt this was the best for the both of us. There is nobody else. He was unhappy.

 

 

Although he thought my job was cooler than his, we get paid the same, I have just been exposed to more training than he has only because of how our companies work. I was always sure to support him and his decisions, and talk to him about what he wanted to do.

 

He always resented me working the job I did, and the fact he didn't get a call when he applied but I had brushed it off explaining my company wasn't that amazing anyway. Even when things got tough I contemplated working with him to which he refused to let me apply for.

 

I was completely blindsided by his actions because although we have had some conflict, I always thought we could talk our issues over and sort them out. Yes, he had been pretty passive aggressive for a while and I had confronted this behavior over and over but to no avail, he would not acknowledge my view. When he said he was leaving he said I didn't respect him and he felt undervalued. I had thrown him a birthday party (even got a brazilian wax for him) and bought him several gifts only two weeks earlier.

 

I was also granted a promotion at my work that would allow me to work from home and we were supposed to celebrate that afternoon.

 

Because we were so young when we got married, I always opted for cultivating our friendship so we could talk comfortably about our emotions , goals, life, etc. But it seems he became unhappy and decided to not share his views with me . I am trying to be calm and understanding based on the fact that our relationship has always been based in the love we feel for each other unconditionally. I went through counseling about 3 years ago when I felt reaching a bottom. I was really depressed but he opted out of going himself, since he said he didn't need it. I am now seeing two counselors (including the same that saw me 3 years ago) and a psychiatrist.

 

 

We talked in person 24 hours after he left, it was a calm and collected conversation where he kept emphasizing this would only be difficult for me, he didn't let me be affectionate with him or hug him or anything. It seemed he was miles away, and it was a bit surreal but I held it together and said I respected his choice and that maybe this was good for us after all. I had cried a lot all through the night, so I did not cry in front of him.

So I am keeping NC. We have only talked a few times about money and our dog, which is currently at his parents and ill be able to see her soon. I am trying to love him in silence and allow him all the space he needs and remain polite through our dialog.

 

My over-thinking and sadness is difficult to control. I have never been on my own until now and the feeling my best friend has given up is very devastating. Friends and family have been supportive but I can't help to have moments in which anxiety just takes over and I start to shake in panic.

 

My best friend is gone and we had just renewed vows a few years back as well. My heart breaks every time I think about it. Therapy helps with the guilt, but its hard to spend time at home at night creating new routines and taking things one day at the time.

 

I apologize for jumping all over the place, this is a crazy time. I don't know how this will all play out but I hope we can become better people from this. But this is certainly the road less traveled for me and I would much appreciate any advice this community can offer me. Thank you in advance.

 

tl;dr: Husband left, first time separated, confused, sad and needing advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's been 16 days since my husband (27 M) decided to tell me (29 F) he didn't love me anymore, he no longer wanted this home or this life and he was leaving me. He felt this was the best for the both of us. There is nobody else.

 

Pretty much everyone that has someone else tells you "There is nobody else."

 

I'd at least rule out that very real possibility before I made any decisions. Is he willing to got to MC? If not, why?

 

In your situation, knowledge is power...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ArtIsMyThing]

First thing i can say to you is please do not look for reasoning - not your job - not your passive aggressive - not any other thing you can think off. Do not look for reasoning. I sent myself insane doing this as does everyone else.

 

You would at this moment and maybe for the next few months be totally devastated emotionally - or even in chaos - or just feeling like a used and thrown away piece of garbage. You may look to take blame or give blame or analyse every moment of your existence and be thinking what a rotten person you are or how you can't live one more minute without him. You may be desperate for closure - or just to hear his voice - or just a text of him - desperate to know what hes thinking - doing - or who he is doing it with. I want you to know THIS IS ALL NORMAL.

 

You have been with someone for a long time and now you have to detatch. You can save yourself a hell of alot of anquish if you dont look to far down the line or to far back in the past.

 

Treat yourself with kindness and everytime those thoughts start - which will be all the time - just say 'this too shall pass'

 

You will run every gauntlet of emotion and the biggest is fear - this too shall pass.

 

Big hugs hon - this too shall pass

[Diezel]

At this point, the reasons don't matter... whether legitimate or not. What's real are the facts and what is happening currently to you.

 

You are in a good spot, even if you don't see it right now. It seems like you have no children and in due time, you should heal. You are young, in the sense, you two were a huge chunk of adult life for each other, but as you said, you have a good career and a recent promotion. Life will go on and it's maybe best that you two will not be together.

 

The shaking, the panic, the anxiety is normal.

 

But this may very well begin the newest chapter of your life, a better chapter.

[Eloxa]

I understand and accept that, but at the same time: does it really matter if there's anyone else in reality?. He's gone, the pain is horrible as it is...

[Eloxa]

Your advice is very kind. The physical symptoms change every day. I dislike irritability the most. I have found strength in NC. I feel as if whatever I feel the need to say does not matter, all the love I professed (or didn't) also did not help change his mind, so what is really the point?

 

I am working on myself because my feelings and my well-being are things I can control. I can no longer control anything related to him. I feel strong when I'm polite and to the point with him without giving him control over my emotions. I feel he has done enough damage already. There is a feeling of betrayal in the sense of: You should have talked to me instead of just giving up and leaving" but one thing I have learned is that people will break any expectations of how you think they'll act at some point in life. It's heartbreaking.

 

Thank you for your words again, i appreciate it.