Divorce is on friday - if i could do this last year again i would .....

[ArtIsMyThing]

NOT look for reasoning - or beg - or be so frightened that i couldn't live with out him.

 

I would NOT have self explored every fault in me as a person. I WOULD look at me and know i was human and i am a wonderful kind supportive and very loving person.

 

I would NOT have analyzed every conversation or moment or sickness or wrong word i ever said and i would NOT have set him up in my mind as a greek God who could do not wrong.

 

I would NOT surrender my personal power and leave my life hanging in the balance with thoughts of suicide as if i was no longer worthy of my very life.

 

I WOULD be very gentle with myself and tell myself one day at a time. I would NOT have looked so far down the line with sheer fear and i would NOT have looked in the past with self hatred.

 

I WOULD have sent one final message to my husband who i adored and i would say --- I love you, thankyou for our time together, it has been as it should have been, good and bad and full of humanness. I wish you every beautiful thing life can bring and i wish it for me.

 

---- and i would have shed my tears in silence as the THE NORMAL waves of emotions swept thru me for however long it took and in my case its taken 15 months.

 

I WOULD have run the opposite way to the way i ran and i WOULD have focused all the kindness on me.

 

And so divorce is Friday. Its Ok. Its been a long journey of illness, instability, insanity, more illness and more insanity and just too many times i have moved house running and frightened of being alone and yet a hermit with no where to go.

 

I survived and i thrived and i have come a long way. Alot of people have fallen away from my life in this time and thats normal too.

 

Anyway - i guess i am saying to all of you just starting this journey 'JUST STOP - TRY AND LIVE IN THE MOMENT - YOU ARE NORMAL

[Decisiontomake]

What a fabulous post. I'm sure it will bring comfort to many.

[Majormisstep]

It does for me. Thank you Art.

[Eloxa]

This is beautiful

[ArtIsMyThing]

Regardless of anything thats been said or done - let go with love.

 

Grab whatever your thing is and hold on tight - mine is art.

[kenmore]

Art is my thing, I have been trying that so much. Just today I did my best to remember how even though it's over I enjoyed our time together, how it's a great thing in my life and how I should be grateful to the maker of all things for that happiness, but I can't let go of bitterness.

 

I know I go on here and people resent it but I can't just be happy for a wonderful past when the wonderful future is pie in the sky. To love her after she has treated me like a sack of sh*t.

 

Live in the moment? You got it, I'm living in hatred land because that's what's here at the moment. All the nice crap is done. This feeling only gets worse every time we talk and the only reason we talk is taxes and moving. It should be businesslike and efficient, instead it's resentment and foulness.

 

Granted it has only been 9 months for me and our divorce isn't for another month or two. I hope to be able to forgive and love her again as a pleasant memory, but every day brings new memories of past hurts and wonder at why we went on this long! I did it for love, I wonder why she did it.

 

Overly emotional and vulnerable tonight, sorry for sullying your delightful thread, but it felt good to vent some more. Hugs!

 

Ken

[ArtIsMyThing]

Kenmore i fully understand - the love i talk is for me - i was in such a bad place for so long - anger resentment - i wish i had never begged - i wish i had never turned on myself with self hatred and spent all that time looking for what did i do wrong. I pulled myself apart something cruel.

 

I wish i could have just said - he made a choice and just let him go.

 

The anger, the hurt, the resentment, the grief, the begging, all it did was put me in a bad place emotionally, physically and certainly mentally.

 

It did not hurt him one iota. It only hurt me.

 

I had to accept there were so many good times - i know all the secrets now and i know the truth and i know why i was left in such a state - it had very little to do with me.

 

I dont hate him - I dont want to be his friend. I dont want to feel the hurt anymore. I dont want to feel resentment at what is a good man who had to make choices in his life - we only get one life and he had to go live it.

 

I am sure he is very sorry that his choices cost me. I would never have married a bad man - and he is not and never was a bad man and he is still not - even if his choices are now not my choices and his choices crippled my world. He is still a good man.

 

But if i could do this year again - i'd have walked away instead of begging for something that obviously was no longer there. He could have come back to me and continued to live the lie and i am glad he did not.

 

For 10 months i hounded him with text messages begging him - actually 12 months i think it was. He never once told me the truth but instead left me begging and saying i would change - im sorry just tell me what i did and i will change. I am sorry i got so sick. I said everything to him and i wish i had not.

 

I wish he had of had the courage to tell me the truth but he did not.

 

I dont hate him - hate will only kill me in the end - so i let go with love.

 

Love to me really

[ArtIsMyThing]

and so tonight messages were again exchanged between him and i - he told me what a great mother i had been and he was sorry

 

I told him i didnt need to hear any of this - i just need to be in my kids lives.

 

I know i was step mum but in my heart i was mum and so i sent all of them a message telling them i love them and i will always be here for them and what a privileged it was to raise them and i received a message from two of them saying the divorce changes nothing - i am mum.

 

I lost everything Kenmore and i mean everything - husband support stability children business home town - i lost it all in the midst of a triple medical crisis that should have ended my life.

 

I am still standing and tomorrow is divorce.

 

You will still stand hon - just try and be kind to yourself and by letting go of the wondering of why and wondering what if - you will realise one day that you are doing ok.

 

Tomorrow is divorce. I have come a long way and today i lost a friend - she died in her sleep - only young and the day before my divorce i have to find out the friend in the town i also lost - died.

 

Life is too short for all the pain we put ourselves thru - let go off the hurt and just be kind to yourself. You are normal

[kenmore]

ArtIsMyThing, when I read your last posts, my eyes teared up. I understand exactly how you feel and why you feel so badly. Please don't be hard on yourself for how you acted, most of us acted similarly. I for one would take back some of the things I said or did in hindsight, but hindsight is 20/20 vision. Like you, I had hope. No, more than hope, I was damned sure she would realize what a fool she's being and stop this ridiculousness. That she'd realize how life without me is so much more lonely, dissatisfying and frankly dull! I know it is! I wonder how she bears it lol.

 

Somehow she's holding up ok, and every day of discussions about what is mine, what's hers, what we may give to one another just brings on more hatred on her part. It's like she hates me more than anybody in the world and having to text with me just enrages her, and I have no idea why. The only thing that's sure is she's extremely angry!

 

You acted like you did because of love, and there is no more nobler a reason! It wasn't because you were weak, it was because as you say, we only get one life and if something is working for you, you don't want to lose it. Even now as I'm looking like one day away from being completely out of her life, I still can't believe it.

 

While I didn't "beg" (and I doubt you really did either, but if you did, you would not be the first person to do so), I did feel pathetic trying to reason with her and use logic to explain how her conclusions were faulty. It took me fully until last month to "get" that reason does not matter, it's all emotion based and she will feel as she feels. Like you now, I have accepted the inevitable (and moving out has been a great help in that regard) and now can know there is never any going back. I had tried to convince myself of that all along, but this has made it hit home.

 

So yeah, I can love myself, but not much until I get on my feet. Like you, I basically lost everything I had. While I do have the support of family and thank God for that! I kept seeing things during this move that reminded me of not just what I lost, but what both she and her daughter lost as well. So much harmony and love, while I still can't grasp what happened, I can at least grasp that it doesn't matter anymore.

 

I lost love, home, a cat, a lifestyle, everything I had done to make it a home, several businesses I started but never took off and belongings. All I really took away was myself, this computer, some clothes and a toothbrush. Everything else is now stored in a unit where it will sit, costing me money until I get on my feet. Then I'll love myself. Until then, I mainly feel angry. Partly at me, partly at her and partly at life....I also feel very tired.

 

Big hugs!!!

 

Love Ken

[ArtIsMyThing]

Its done - i am divorced.

 

It ended with a message from him saying i just want to thank you for the good times.

 

I never replied. Theres nothing left to say.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I have woken today feeling very free. Like a brick is off my shoulders. I didnt realise until it was gone - just how much i was living as his wife waiting for him to come home.

 

Its over - I am free.

 

I have no interest in dating but that may change down the line - i doubt it though.

 

I do have an interest in getting on a plane and reestablishing my wholesale business. Time to get back into importing and build my world to the most incredible world i can.

 

I feel free.

[kenmore]

Congratulations ArtIsMyThing! We both hit a milestone! You're divorced and I am completely moved out of her house. I'm sure being divorced is a freeing thing! So is this.

 

A week used up, a broken finger and new bills to pay, but I finally have absolutely no reason to ever step foot in that house again nor see her face.

 

I should feel happy but I don't. I feel like I spent a huge amount of money, time (while I could have been making money) and effort to do something I did not want to do. I feel like the whole move was a lot of work to go in the wrong direction.

 

But it is freeing. It will put my mind in a better place once I'm rested enough to think again.

 

I'm glad to hear that you woke up feeling good about it. How was your divorce? Did you both go to a courthouse or was it a "rubber stamp"? If you went to a courthouse, how much of an ordeal was it?

 

And I forgot to say yesterday, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend passing. That sounds tragic since she was young. Hugs for that too.

 

Ken

[Esraem]

Hey Ken,

 

I just went to the lawyer. In Indiana it starts at $1500. It is probably going to be more since there will be a custody battle for my daughter. I hope you are able to go the easy way.

 

I am glad you now have a chance to reset and rest.

[kenmore]

Hey Esraem, welcome here!

 

Yikes. $1500? Well, our case was simple, no children nor any property battle. I spent 1/10 that much but only got a half hour.

 

Thank you for your kind thoughts. Rest, no, I just lost a week of work while trying to start a business, so I'll be having to work even harder for awhile. Reset? I hope so! I have no idea how I'll deal with this emotionally. To make sure my head is in a bad place, my wife and I had major texting arguments yesterday and today. She even mentioned hanging herself, but I'm sure that's just her odd humor (which I did love.) It will take me about three weeks to settle and reset.

 

Frankly I'm baffled at how weak I have become. Ten years ago this crap wouldn't have fazed me, but now I'm a total pussy! WTH? Hopefully during these next few weeks, I'll be able to undo the damage done by being married to such a strong woman. Her strength while we were happily married was a point of pride for me! I could think that as strong as she is, I had her. She was mine! Now, in addition to that sense of loss, I realize she broke me down somewhat, and it's going to take a lot of balls to make it happen again. I let myself be this beaten down, and I owe it to myself to build myself back to what I was before.

 

It's kinda funny what I can make of a simple "good luck" post lol. I guess I have a lot inside that wants to come out. Thanks again Esraem!

 

Ken

[ArtIsMyThing]

Ken to be honest - i think its that we feel that we have become less that makes us want them more or makes us think we need them more. If i make sense.

 

Somewhere along the way i lost myself and he took over.

 

What was once a powerful individual (me) became a meer shadow of myself. Curled up sick on a bed.

 

Just the criticism - sometimes it was just a look to quiet you down and show your wrong.

 

We end up as codependent.

 

But i also think a level of that is in every relationship - it dosent mean its abusive or anything - its just how we change to blend with the person we are with. 2 strong dogs will fight until one drops it tail.

 

Its only when the relationship ends that we realise how much of ourselves we took for granted and let go.

 

Good on you for moving your stuff out. Try and turn the thinking around from a negative loss to a positive gain - its a positive step that your stuff is out and one step closer to accepting this.

[kenmore]

Yes ArtIsMyThing, what you said is very true. I reflected in another thread (by Esraem) about how I felt she had too much control over me. I find it funny that I was the one with the know-how, ingenuity and strength to make things happen at that house, but I felt so useless because of our dynamic. I let that happen and was a fool. I was the stereotypical male fool who let my wife run my life. All of our troubles are because of that and I will never make that mistake again!@

 

The @ was a mistake but I'm letting it stand because it's what I want to do!!!

 

I will never be a pussy again, I will always be the man I was! I'm never going to let my dick get the better of me again, and if I do, it should be cut off. (kidding, really don't do that.)lol

 

Kidding aside, I feel like such a dupe today. Maybe it's the fatigue, but oddly what hit me was her ex BF (her daughter's dad) helped me move. He's in her pocket and it would not surprise me one bit if they are back together again (but Lord help him if they are because I know she can't stand him!) But he helped me move and I'm grateful. What hit me was when after we were done, he shook my hand and said he's sorry it didn't work out.

 

While he seemed sincere and he almost certainly is, that was more pain than everything she said before. The pity. The f*cking condescending pity that makes me feel like a stake is being slowly pushed into my heart. He was sincere, he really was sorry for my loss. More than I was. Or he was happy to not be just the sole loser. Maybe now I joined his rank. Now we're both her victims.

 

But I will hold my head higher. He's a great guy. He's older than I but in better shape. He has more money. He's a better man than I. But I have one thing in my favor: I won't be her dupe any longer. I will not be her friend and most of all, I won't come to her bidding and beckon call to do whatever she wants like a f*cking idiot. I deserve better, and I have never understood his motivation other than to get her back. If he does, he'll most likely lose again. In some ways I pity him!

 

Sorry, all I can do anymore is rattle on about her. I'll get over this I promise. I was OK for awhile and this is a passing phase.

 

For you, please don't feel alone! I was the fool too. We both can have our laughs in the future when we gain our self-respect back. For now, we can hold each other and understand each other. From where I sit, that's a lot better than being alone!

 

Ken

[ArtIsMyThing]

I wish i could have the year over - id have walked away

 

Kenmore - you just copped the ultimate humiliation - the ex moving out the ex .. I am real sorry you had to go thru that - laugh it off love - just laugh it off and put it down to a crappy way to end a crappy experience.

[scatterd]

I hope one day I can be happy and excepting. I also have been ill and I am angry about it.My Husband wanted a divorce out of the blue but never told me why. He pocket called me a few days ago and I heard him and OW talking about charging on my credit card.He comes and sleeps twice a week I guess to make it look like he still lives here. Its so hard after 22 years of being with him. Maybe one day I will get well but all this drama has made me go back a few steps.We are a few months away from the divorce being final this happened the beginning of November.If you look back on my post I came here about six years ago and healed then he did it to me again. I am sad that others feel this pain but we are not alone here.Keep healing and big hugs

Edited April 18, 2015 by scatterd

[Esraem]

Yes ArtIsMyThing, what you said is very true. I reflected in another thread (by Esraem) about how I felt she had too much control over me. I find it funny that I was the one with the know-how, ingenuity and strength to make things happen at that house, but I felt so useless because of our dynamic. I let that happen and was a fool. I was the stereotypical male fool who let my wife run my life. All of our troubles are because of that and I will never make that mistake again!@

 

The @ was a mistake but I'm letting it stand because it's what I want to do!!!

 

I will never be a pussy again, I will always be the man I was! I'm never going to let my dick get the better of me again, and if I do, it should be cut off. (kidding, really don't do that.)lol

 

Kidding aside, I feel like such a dupe today. Maybe it's the fatigue, but oddly what hit me was her ex BF (her daughter's dad) helped me move. He's in her pocket and it would not surprise me one bit if they are back together again (but Lord help him if they are because I know she can't stand him!) But he helped me move and I'm grateful. What hit me was when after we were done, he shook my hand and said he's sorry it didn't work out.

 

While he seemed sincere and he almost certainly is, that was more pain than everything she said before. The pity. The f*cking condescending pity that makes me feel like a stake is being slowly pushed into my heart. He was sincere, he really was sorry for my loss. More than I was. Or he was happy to not be just the sole loser. Maybe now I joined his rank. Now we're both her victims.

 

But I will hold my head higher. He's a great guy. He's older than I but in better shape. He has more money. He's a better man than I. But I have one thing in my favor: I won't be her dupe any longer. I will not be her friend and most of all, I won't come to her bidding and beckon call to do whatever she wants like a f*cking idiot. I deserve better, and I have never understood his motivation other than to get her back. If he does, he'll most likely lose again. In some ways I pity him!

 

Sorry, all I can do anymore is rattle on about her. I'll get over this I promise. I was OK for awhile and this is a passing phase.

 

For you, please don't feel alone! I was the fool too. We both can have our laughs in the future when we gain our self-respect back. For now, we can hold each other and understand each other. From where I sit, that's a lot better than being alone!

 

Ken

 

Ken,

 

I have to tell you that the Ex moving the Ex was pretty cool. Though in the back of his mind he was thinking I should have warned him prior.

 

Hell when my wife and I separated, I talked to a friend and he was sincere, took me shooting and everything. Wanted to help me reconcile. Six months later I found out he and my wife went out got drunk and slept together two days after she moved out. I wish he would have told me when he handed me that shotgun

 

Art, I really am going to take your message her to heart.

 

Es

[ArtIsMyThing]

I hope one day I can be happy and excepting. I also have been ill and I am angry about it.My Husband wanted a divorce out of the blue but never told me why. He pocket called me a few days ago and I heard him and OW talking about charging on my credit card.He comes and sleeps twice a week I guess to make it look like he still lives here. Its so hard after 22 years of being with him. Maybe one day I will get well but all this drama has made me go back a few steps.We are a few months away from the divorce being final this happened the beginning of November.If you look back on my post I came here about six years ago and healed then he did it to me again. I am sad that others feel this pain but we are not alone here.Keep healing and big hugs

 

You have been given a raw deal. Like my experience when i needed him, he was gone. I resonate hon. I don't know how to express what I am trying to say but i will have a go. Let him go. Don't look for answers or why. Forget the OW she is just a symptom of a disease - the disease is that he is not the man you hoped he would be, the relationship is no longer what it once was. Whatever you do, DO NOT look at yourself and think bad thoughts or self examine your role or who you are. DO treat yourself with the greatest of kindness and love.

 

Think of your own situation and lets hypothetically think it was your daughter experiencing this - you would take her in your arms and tell her you are sorry, you would tell her she deserves better, you'd make a nice cup of tea and you would treat your daughter with love. Think what would you tell your daughter to do to heal herself. I'd tell mine to RUN and don't look back, id tell mine to get up and get living. There is no way i would let my daughter fill herself with hatred of what she did wrong or did not do wrong and if she said to me 'mum i need closure' I would say 'honey you have your closure already, he ended it, there is no more need for any further information'

 

You have to turn that same love to yourself and the same reasoning.

 

Do not let his drama set you back with health - let him own his own drama. It is not yours, he has just dragged you in as a player.

 

Inside of you is a whole pile of love - it might be buried under his drama but that love is still there - drag it out by the ears and turn it to yourself

[ArtIsMyThing]

Ken,

 

I have to tell you that the Ex moving the Ex was pretty cool. Though in the back of his mind he was thinking I should have warned him prior.

 

Hell when my wife and I separated, I talked to a friend and he was sincere, took me shooting and everything. Wanted to help me reconcile. Six months later I found out he and my wife went out got drunk and slept together two days after she moved out. I wish he would have told me when he handed me that shotgun

 

Art, I really am going to take your message her to heart.

 

Es

 

Some people just have no shame. What a creep. People play life to feed their own agenda and his was obviously guilt - maybe he thought you would never find out but he was appeasing his guilt by trying to help you.

[kenmore]

He pocket called me a few days ago and I heard him and OW talking about charging on my credit card.He comes and sleeps twice a week I guess to make it look like he still lives here. Its so hard after 22 years of being with him.

 

I remember that you were here much longer than I but hurt much more recently. I remember that you were hurt before and that was why you are here. This sounds just evil! Make sure you get him off your credit card ASAP!

 

Scatterd, it just sounds like he's using you now. Sleeping over, tell him to f*ck off and get out! Sorry, kind of emotional now, that's what I would say.

 

You and I have had each others backs here for awhile now and I know you deserve a man who cares about you. You are a wonderful lady and you care; he does not.

 

22 years...if my first wife had not died in 2007, we'd be at year 25 in ten days. I can't imagine. I still can't imagine why someone would go through even five years of marriage then fall out of love, let alone 22! Geez, it took that long to figure out how you feel?

 

I just feel more in love with my spouse every year. That's how it has been both times and I don't even know if I have another 25 years left in me. I still intend to find someone special in the next few years and have a third go at it. I like being married and those who don't should just stay friggin' single! Not darken the doorsteps of those of us who are serious!

 

And please nobody tell me how people learn about their spouses over time or learn that married life is not for them. It just doesn't take that long! If marriage is not for you, then you should know that about month three. Don't drag it out for years! Have some backbone! And you should know your spouse from dating, that's why it exists! If you don't know them, don't get married!

 

I'll admit that even when I proposed to my wife I knew she was "difficult" (I won't use the "B" word), but she loved me, I could feel it. She still does, I can feel that too. I'm no damned psychic, it's just obvious, but it makes no difference anymore.

 

I don't know how your relations have gone all those years, but I really feel he's just milking you for what he can get, and that just plain sucks! Shake him off, scatterd! Just be done, get him out of the house and off your credit cards. Soon you and I will be legally free, then we will have a party here!

 

Love Ken

[ArtIsMyThing]

I read psychic cards I learn all secrets thru them