What is considered Emotional cheating vs being friends?

[mrstang69]

Can anyone give me examples of emtional cheating vs friendship with opposite sex. I'm married for 10 yrs and wife and I dont see eye to eye on this subject.

[Diezel]

I have a girlfriend. I also have a female friend.

This female friend is a mutual friend of my girlfriend's. The three of us knew each other before my relationship started. My girlfriend knows full well that our female friend texts me and her. FF and I have gone out and had drinks when GF is away on a business trip, just as the three of us have gone out together, or in big group of friends.

 

We all know each other. We trust each other. FF is like a sister to me and GF.

 

That's a good example.

 

Which is also apparently quite the exception.

 

Maybe it'd help to state what your situation is.

[PegNosePete]

My definition: if you're telling your "friend" things that you wouldn't want your partner to see/hear, then it's emotional cheating.

 

Unless you're arranging a surprise birthday party of course.

[LifeWasted]

My definition: if you're telling your "friend" things that you wouldn't want your partner to see/hear, then it's emotional cheating.

 

Unless you're arranging a surprise birthday party of course.

 

This ^^^^^

 

In a nutshell. If your wife is telling another man things she should be telling you, sharing things with him that she should only be sharing with you, then a serious marital boundary has been crossed and her behavior needs to be dealt with harshly.

 

Is she confiding in another man?

[No Limit]

My definition: if you're telling your "friend" things that you wouldn't want your partner to see/hear, then it's emotional cheating.

 

Unless you're arranging a surprise birthday party of course.

 

This. No flirty texts, no text-deleting to erase possible evidence, no on-going texting for hours and hours, especially around the night hours.

[kendahke]

You are allowing someone to enter into and set up space in your emotional intimacy while in a committed relationship which eclipses the one to whom you're committed.. It is a space where no one but your committed partner should be.

[lolablue17]

It's a combination of the nature of their contact, the frequency of their meetings\texts, the amount of intimacy and it's frequency.

 

If she's too secrecy about him, VS she's natural and open with me about him. If she y\n misses him when she doesn't see him.

 

If she is cold with me and warm with him (if it happens once in a while because she and i have a fight? or is it a constant thing?)

 

 

For example refering to the "amount and frequency of intimacy". If my wife's male friend has a crisis and she mentally and massively supports him for for 2-3 days. it's different if she massively supports him every day and every hour all the time for months.

 

Mainly - if she prefers to spend time with him rather than me!

[Friskyone4u]

The problem is most "emotional cheating" does NOT start out that way. It starts out as friendly conversation and then heads down the slippery slope.

Like others have said, it becomes emotional cheating when you start telling someone of the opposite sex (especially someone your spouse or partner does not know) about the problems in your relationship or personal details they have no business knowing.

A good explanation of this is contained in the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

 

it is very common to read a BS write that the WS kept telling them they were just friends. That is a major red flag that should not be accepted when there are things like guarding the phone, lots of texting, demanding privacy, and locking electronics with passwords.

 

If you are married or in a committed relationship there is no reason to have your phone locked or e mail with a "secret" password unless you work in a job that requires a top secret security clearance. And if you have a phone that automatically locks itself, your partner should know the password.

[d0nnivain]

Agree with much of what has been said. It is a slippery slope but that doesn't mean all opposite sex friendships need to be abolished because of the potential for harm.

 

 

You have to look at the overall scope & tenor of the relationship.

 

Is the person only friends with 1/2 of the couple or is the person friends with the relationship?

 

How intimate are the conversations?

 

Would the talking / speaking person be perfectly OK having their

SO

hear every word? (Obviously doesn't not apply to surprise parties --lol)

 

Is the person spending more time & more quality time with the friend, do the exclusion or neglect of the

SO

?

 

I have a bunch of male friends from childhood, when I married DH, those guy became DH's buddies. Actually now I'm the one that gets excluded from the conversation more often then not. Last summer we were all on vacation. DH slept in. I had breakfast with these guys, while most of their GFs / wives were doing other stuff. We enjoyed a great trip down memory lane. It was reminiscing not cheating.

 

I have another dear friend I talk on the phone with maybe quarterly (4x per year) if that. It's been less in the past few years. If we're lucky we can meet once per year for lunch. We have great conversations, 90% of are about work. To the outside looking in, we appear intimate. We lean in across the table & it's an animated conversation. Again, friendship not cheating. Even in the beginning of my marriage when I was looking to him for insight into "being" married we never crossed the line. The fact that we have gone Christmas shopping together to use the other as a sounding board for what to get our spouses is still on the correct side of the equation.

 

Sometimes these things have to be evaluated on a case by case basis. But it can be bottom-lined to which is the primary relationship. If its' the romance, all is good. If it's the "friendship" it may be an EA.

[Spectre]

Well, for starters a person doesn't have any feelings for a "friend" other then platonic. If you feel more then platonic feelings, it is emotional cheating. Even if that person doesn't feel the same.

[mrstang69]

Thank you everyone. I have no one to talk to about this. I noticed phone calls when she got out of work at 11pm for 20 minutes which is the amount of time it takes to get home. Why was he calling? Don't know. Happened couple of nights in a row. I noticed text messages when I worked 11pm-7am. Some to me and some to him and at the same time. Always when I worked that shift. I asked her about it and she says it's nothing and he is just a good friend like a girlfriend. I'm sorry. I guess my feelings are hurt because I don't feel another guy should be calling or texting another guys wife in the middle of the night, friends or not. I trust that nothing has happen between them but I don't like that someone else, especially someone who's not family, knows my business or details about my family. Am I wrong to feel this way?

[smackie9]

No not at all. Just tell her she needs to change her behavior. She may think he is a GF, but he isn't looking a her as a buddy....hell no.

 

If she has issues she needs to work out she should be talking to you not him.

[mrstang69]

This. No flirty texts, no text-deleting to erase possible evidence, no on-going texting for hours and hours, especially around the night hours.

 

That's pretty much what's going on. But now she got upset because I blocked him from my Facebook acct. What's that about? Want me to be friends with him because he thinks he's being my friend by texting my wife at night when I'm at work or on Sunday mornings when I'm not there. Why doesn't she see that all this is wrong? I feel like my opinion doesn't matter, that my feelings don't matter. That she feels her friendship is more important than our marriage. That's what hurts the most.

[LifeWasted]

Then do something about it.

[mrstang69]

I will. We two kids that mean the world to me, so taking it slowly.

[lolablue17]

I suggest that before you start making fights over this, try to figure out what do you want to happen.

 

Do you want them to not text at all? Do you want the to not talk at all on the phone? Or you can say: "he can text but not in the middle of the night", or "they can talk a long talk but not every day".... something like that. Be knowing what exactly do you want.

 

And then talk to your wife, tell her that her behavior makes you uncomfortable, and you ask her _____ (tell her what will not worry you and ask her to agree to that.

 

For her it means that you care about her and you don't want to force yourself too much, that you're willing to compromise. If she's stubborn and is not willing to move an inch - Well that's a big problem. (not the friend, but her lack of will to make her husband happy)

[PegNosePete]

If they are just friends (though IMO anyone who uses the word "just" when describing a friend, there is more to it!), then she would have no problem showing you the text messages etc.

 

Sounds like it's time for a VAR in her car. She seems to use the phone in the car a lot which is like page 1 of the cheaters handbook. I'm sure their car conversations would be very revealing. You can get a VAR cheaply and velcro it to the bottom of her car seat.

[applej4]

If there is sexual attraction, flirtation, fantasizing and communication hidden from SO/mate then it’s emotional cheating.

[mrstang69]

Now she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me. Wants to be head over heals about me. If not the only other choices are separating or divorce. What should I do?

[Clockwork]

Your friends should be your wife's friends. Especially the female ones. You are "one" now. That's the best way to trust someone, I think.

[itmustbeme]

Now she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me.

 

Well now you know she is cheating by the quote above. This is right out of the cheaters handbook. There is no reason to be texting another man in the middle of the night.

 

Do you remember when you first met your wife or any other girl you met and fell for? Remember the in love feeling when you first met. That is what is happening to your wife and she looks at you and you can't compare to a new guy showing interest in her.

 

I would imagine if you met a blonde at work and started talking and texting with her that your feelings for your wife would change. She would think you are a great guy and you would really like someone else interested in you. Your wife has a guy who wants to get in her pants so I am sure he is charming.

 

Go buy a voice activated recorder and put it in her car. One of those saved my brothers life. Don't ignore this or you will lose her. Although in my opinion I would dump a wife that did this unless she stopped today and that also assumes she has not slept with him already.

[smackie9]

Well before the lynch mob starts getting out of hand, there is more to this than her texting some guy. No one wakes up one morning and says "Today I'm going to get myself emotionally invested in my co-worker so I can toss my marriage aside..."

 

These things start out as her being unfulfilled in her life, her marriage, sex life etc. A man gives her some attention she hasn't had in a long time, it feels great, and thinks there is no harm in just being friends......"We're not sexual with each other, we just talk, and it's kinda fun". Then before she knows it, she develops a crush, and her feelings are now focused on this guy. She down plays it thinking it's nothing "we're just friends'' not realizing that it has become inappropriate, but when caught up emotionally it doesn't look that way. It's total denial. Then she gets in way too deep and is now confused at what to do, keep this great feeling she has with this guy and throw her whole life, marriage away? Or ditch the guy and go back to her lonely life.

 

She's not in her right mind and YOU need to take action. You need to snap her out of it and realize what is at stake here. You can turn this around, by being proactive and start having open discussions about what has been going on or what hasn't been going on in your marriage.....the best place to start is couples counseling. She can't see it but she is just using this guy as an escape from deeper issues. Anything looks good when you have been hungry for attention and want to feel special. You need to pull her attention away from this guy....and she is kicking you in the butt to do something about it now.....she is asking you for your help.

[Leigh 87]

just don't talk about sex and things that are inappropriate to your opposite sex friends.

 

It's a no brainer.

[Dork Vader]

There are multiple kinds of emotional cheating but here is the bottom line and how you can define cheating in any situation and any way.

 

If you feel second to the friend then it can potentially be considered cheating. When you are in a committed relationship your partner should come first. Now granted this might take time but in general you should come first.

 

How ever, it's one thing for your SO to occasionally put another person first. Example of this would be if they had a family member pass away or something a long those lines. Perhaps occasionally a friends night and so on.

 

It is emotional cheating when your SO starts to get emotionally invested beyond friendship. It is emotional cheating when your SO starts too in general invest more emotionally then into you. It does not romantic emotional investment either. Let's say they start to use the friend for emotional support and become distant from you stuff a long those lines.

 

If you start too feel second to a friend or even family member. Then have a talk with your SO about it and see if you can find compromise. I've seen marriages crumble because one spouse will put their mother or father first. That leads to the other spouse feeling neglected and so on. There has too be a balance even in times of emergency.

[PegNosePete]

Sounds like it's time for a VAR in her car. She seems to use the phone in the car a lot which is like page 1 of the cheaters handbook. I'm sure their car conversations would be very revealing. You can get a VAR cheaply and velcro it to the bottom of her car seat.

 

Now she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me. Wants to be head over heals about me. If not the only other choices are separating or divorce. What should I do?

This new information reinforces my advice above. The ILYBNILWY quote is another from page 1 of the cheaters handbook. The chances she is cheating just went from "very likely" to "extremely likely". You should definitely get a VAR and velcro it to the bottom of her car seat. Install a keylogger on her PC. Take a look through her phone when she's in the shower. I guarantee you, you are not getting the whole story here, and you NEED to find out what's going on with her. Whatever you do, don't go in half cocked. You need to get the proof before confronting otherwise she will simply go underground, delete all evidence, etc.