new issues, same problem

[lynnspies1]

I have a new set of issues now,

 

Last update husband had left decided that he wanted to leave our 15 year marriage to pursue a relationship with a women he had met at work. At that time he had told me they had an emotional connection but had not been intimate.

 

He left and then got fired from his job and decided he wanted to come back to work on our relationship. We began counseling and he continued to have phone contact with the OW. He told me that he wanted to work on our marriage and the problems we have. We talked to the counselor about his relationship with this OW and the counselor did not seem to think since the relationship was " just friends" that it was a huge issue.

 

I secretly recorded my husband while he was driving to pick up our kids from school and learned that he was in-fact having a sexual relationship with this OW. We talked at length about his feelings for her and how torn he is between our marriage and his new relationship. Our counselor does not know this new information.

 

He says that he knows he loves me and loves our family and the time we have together and that he does not have the same love for this OW. He stated that he misses her terribly and misses the time they had together and still wants to have contact with her while we work on our issues.

 

I believe he has honest feelings for this woman. I don't want him to see her while he is trying to resolve our issues. I told him he could talk to her while I listened on the phone and he did call her while I listened. They care very much for each other.

 

So now what? I feel like the life has been sucked out of me again. It kills me to think he cares so much for both of us. The strange thing is I almost feel sorry for him. Should I tell him to go until he makes a decision and if that is the decision, what do I tell our 10, 7 and 5 year old kids?

 

Lynn

[LucreziaBorgia]

Our counselor does not know this new information.

 

Your counselor needs to know this so that he/she can help you sort this through. You will have to give him a firm 'no fence sitting' choice: out the affair and go 'no contact' during marriage counseling - or go through with divorce proceedings. As long as your H has continued contact with the OW your marriage cannot be fixed. He needs to go to 'no contact' with this OW while he sorts his problems with you. If he refuses to do this, or fights the idea of telling the marriage counselor about it, then there is no point to continue marriage counseling. If he refuses to give up the OW, even temporarily for a few months - then he is refusing to give your marriage a chance, and he should be made to leave.

 

if that is the decision, what do I tell our 10, 7 and 5 year old kids?

 

The truth. You will want to talk to your counselor about the best way to approach this, and the best way to explain it to them.

[Ladyjane14]

I hear ALOT of sympathy for him in your post....but not much for yourself. That makes me sad. Your self-esteem must have taken a really brutal beating in all this. Most people would be REALLY p*ssed right about now.

 

Your husband is not being a HUSBAND at all in the traditional sense. He's not being faithful to you. He's not supporting his family...not emotionally or financially. He's not fulfilling the VOWS that he took when he married you.

 

Is this really okay with you? I know some people have open marriages, and don't require monogamy of one another. But if you're a person who does require faithfulness....then honey, that's what you need. It's not a want at that point.

 

Are you thinking that he'll take a little marriage sabatical, and then he'll be back? Because if so, I doubt it'll be the last one he takes.

 

Maybe what you need to consider in all of this is YOU. What do you want? What do you deserve?

 

It's okay if you love him, and if what you want is your family intact, it's fine to want that. But it's not guaranteed to you anymore. There is literally NOTHING that you can do that will make that happen for an absolute certainty. Acceptance of that fact...will set you free from your fear.

 

You probably feel like you're walking around in a mine field, just trying not to make a wrong move and have the whole deal blow up in your face. But once you accept that you have ZERO control over that....you can do whatever it is that you need to do. He is in control of his actions. Nothing you can do will guarantee his choices. All you can control...is YOU.

 

So, you have to ask yourself....what would be acceptable to you? What does he need to do to fix this? What are YOUR terms for even being willing to remain his wife?

 

Once you've decided specifically what YOU need, then you can lay that out before him. You can give him a roadmap on how to come home again.

 

I have to be honest with you Lynn, if it were me...I'd give him THE ULTIMATUM. He'd either have to end it completely with OW, and I mean ZERO CONTACT, or I'd throw him out. Also, he'd have to be giving an honest effort at repairing the marriage....going to MC, and showing that he was willing to immerse himself in the process.

 

It's hard to give that ultimatum, when your kids are little, and they don't understand what's going on. But I can't imagine that he'll stop without some kind of intervention.