Am I fit to be a father if I'm a racist?

[Rebbie]

I'm caught up in a bad situation and am looking for honest, helpful advice about the matter. Please don't judge me too harshly even though I admit I'm not a good person for what I'm feeling.

 

As it turns out, I recently found out that I'm a father. To a five year old son. The boy was conceived from a brief relationship several years ago, and I only met with the mother again this month. Upon finding physical similarities between the boy and I, as well as the fact that the mother never knew who the father was, we took some tests that indeed confirmed my paternity.

 

This comes as a huge shock to me. I never planned on having children and now that the time has come, I'm conflicted on what to do. I want to be there as a dad, but I don't know if its too late to do so.

 

And then there's another problem. One I'm more ashamed about. You see, I'm also conflicted because the mother of this child is white, while I'm black. I've been struggling with my own levels of racism toward white people throughout my life after my mother was killed in a car accident by a white drunk driver.

 

I hate admitting this but I have feelings of regret that I have a biracial son with someone white, and am ashamed of those feelings because deep down I know they're wrong. I do want to be there as a father for a child I helped put on this earth, and the mother is the only woman I've been in a relationship with that I had a connection to (she believes I should pursue being his father). Why do I have these feelings? Why can't I push them aside completely? Am I fit to even be the boy's dad?

[stillafool]

How does a black racist get involved with a white woman? Hmmm, anyway at this point it doesn't matter what you are you are a father. Suck it up and be a good father to your child.

[Rebbie]

How does a black racist get involved with a white woman? Hmmm, anyway at this point it doesn't matter what you are you are a father. Suck it up and be a good father to your child.

I'm somewhat ashamed of my hypocrisy. I had been going to therapy at the time and felt that I had overcome my demons. Perhaps briefly, maybe I had.

 

I only bring this up because while I do want to be there for this child, I don't want to go into being a father with hatred and resentment in my heart, and want to figure out how to do so.

[central]

I commend you for realizing your issue, and doing something about it. I think you are aware enough to be a good father, because you will not blindly project your own issues on your child. You will be able to suppress any expression of your conflicted feelings, and you will continue working on your issues.

 

When the child is old enough, you also have something valuable to teach him about race, hatred, and dealing with the issues surrounding them. The better you can learn to deal with your own issues, the more you can teach and be an example to others.

 

Best wishes and good luck - fatherhood is a great responsibility and usually a source of pride and an opportunity for growth.

[Methodical]

I'm no therapist, and as you have stated, you sought professional help and thought you had conquered your demons. I understand that you harbor angst toward the person responsible for your mother's death. The two mitigating factors you list, besides how this person killed your mother, are white and female. Do you specifically hate white people, the female population in general, or "white women?"

 

I want to toss a few questions for you to ponder. You don't have to share your answers here if you choose not to, I'm simply thinking the hard cold truth may shed light as to the cause of your feelings at the root level.

 

How would you feel if the driver had been a black man? asian woman? interracial man or woman? Would you specifically harbor hatred against black men in general if that was the drunk person driving the vehicle that claimed your mother's life?

 

There is NO EXCUSE for anyone getting behind the wheel of a vehicle while inebriated. NONE! That said, the person - the white woman - who made a fatal choice, wasn't specifically aiming to kill a black woman, mother, sister, wife, etc. She wasn't specifically aiming to kill anyone, yet her poor and selfish decision claimed the life of another person, your mother. She has to live with her actions and the consequences. I can't say whether her conscience eats away at her on a daily basis, or whether she sought rehab., or continues to drink like a fish and makes poor choices every weekend. What I can say is that you are lumping all white women into one category and making a lot of innocent people pay for one person's poor decision. I understand that you can't just let it go. I doubt anyone could, but to hold a grudge against an entire group of people due to one person's actions isn't healthy.

 

Now, let put your son into this equation. How do you think he will feel years from now if you choose to turn your back on him, your flesh and blood that didn't have a choice in his creation? Should he hate all men? All black men because his father refused to take part in his life based on his mother's nationality? Should he harbor resentment toward both parents because he doesn't fit into one nationality? (Though if most people looked into their lineage, I'm sure they'd be shocked to discover they are the product of several nationalities.)

 

You need to decide what kind of man you are going to be. The man who stands up, takes responsibilities for his actions, takes part in HIS son's life, the man who instills values so that his son becomes an honorable man, OR are you going to make your son pay for a white woman's, the drunk driver's mistakes, along with his father's mistakes, for having bedded down with a white woman and then chose to turn his back on the human being he created. The choice is yours to make, the outcome will be at opposite ends of the spectrum later on in life. Do you want to be an honorable man or one who runs from his obligation due to fear and hatred?

 

We don't know you, but if you are here seeking advice, I believe you are more honorable than you realize.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Methodical

[Toodaloo]

I've been struggling with my own levels of racism toward white people throughout my life after my mother was killed in a car accident by a white drunk driver.

 

Your Mum was killed by a drunk.

 

You get those in all shapes and sizes, colours and creeds.

 

I am sorry for your loss. I really am...

 

My friend got killed by a speeding driver just before Christmas. Her daughter who was in the car is still spending most of her time in hospital but she is alive and getting better. Her father didn't take it well and died yesterday... Two lives lost a third destroyed because some bastard couldn't get his arse out of bed 5 minutes earlier... Doesn't make any sense at all does it.

 

I don't know what he looks like - I don't want to know what he looks like. I just hate him for his stupidity.

 

White, black, pink polka dot with blue stripes... Doesn't matter. You will get people who are lovely and people who are nasty.

 

Learn to accept your son. Learn how to be a better man for your son. Show him how to grow into a decent human being.

 

Oh and never forget Lego, Mechano, football... zoo visits, beach visits... Kids are amazing.

[Rebbie]

I commend you for realizing your issue, and doing something about it. I think you are aware enough to be a good father, because you will not blindly project your own issues on your child. You will be able to suppress any expression of your conflicted feelings, and you will continue working on your issues.

 

When the child is old enough, you also have something valuable to teach him about race, hatred, and dealing with the issues surrounding them. The better you can learn to deal with your own issues, the more you can teach and be an example to others.

 

Best wishes and good luck - fatherhood is a great responsibility and usually a source of pride and an opportunity for growth.

 

That's my biggest concern. Passing down my flaws onto my son, but perhaps you're right that if I can be aware of my flaws, I can do better to stop them.

 

Thank you. I never intended to be a father, but this boy is really something. So adorable and well mannered. It almost brings a tear to my eye every time I see him.

[Rebbie]

I'm no therapist, and as you have stated, you sought professional help and thought you had conquered your demons. I understand that you harbor angst toward the person responsible for your mother's death. The two mitigating factors you list, besides how this person killed your mother, are white and female. Do you specifically hate white people, the female population in general, or "white women?"

 

I want to toss a few questions for you to ponder. You don't have to share your answers here if you choose not to, I'm simply thinking the hard cold truth may shed light as to the cause of your feelings at the root level.

 

How would you feel if the driver had been a black man? asian woman? interracial man or woman? Would you specifically harbor hatred against black men in general if that was the drunk person driving the vehicle that claimed your mother's life?

 

There is NO EXCUSE for anyone getting behind the wheel of a vehicle while inebriated. NONE! That said, the person - the white woman - who made a fatal choice, wasn't specifically aiming to kill a black woman, mother, sister, wife, etc. She wasn't specifically aiming to kill anyone, yet her poor and selfish decision claimed the life of another person, your mother. She has to live with her actions and the consequences. I can't say whether her conscience eats away at her on a daily basis, or whether she sought rehab., or continues to drink like a fish and makes poor choices every weekend. What I can say is that you are lumping all white women into one category and making a lot of innocent people pay for one person's poor decision. I understand that you can't just let it go. I doubt anyone could, but to hold a grudge against an entire group of people due to one person's actions isn't healthy.

 

Now, let put your son into this equation. How do you think he will feel years from now if you choose to turn your back on him, your flesh and blood that didn't have a choice in his creation? Should he hate all men? All black men because his father refused to take part in his life based on his mother's nationality? Should he harbor resentment toward both parents because he doesn't fit into one nationality? (Though if most people looked into their lineage, I'm sure they'd be shocked to discover they are the product of several nationalities.)

 

You need to decide what kind of man you are going to be. The man who stands up, takes responsibilities for his actions, takes part in HIS son's life, the man who instills values so that his son becomes an honorable man, OR are you going to make your son pay for a white woman's, the drunk driver's mistakes, along with his father's mistakes, for having bedded down with a white woman and then chose to turn his back on the human being he created. The choice is yours to make, the outcome will be at opposite ends of the spectrum later on in life. Do you want to be an honorable man or one who runs from his obligation due to fear and hatred?

 

We don't know you, but if you are here seeking advice, I believe you are more honorable than you realize.

 

Your post is very eye-opening. I must thank you. I will say that I've faced a lot of prejudice in my life, which hasn't helped the wound of loss heal, but it isn't fair for me to judge an entire group of people for that. Deep down, I feel I know the truth, it's just that holding on to hatred for so long makes it difficult to let go.

 

I do legitimately want to be there for my son. That much, I know for sure. I'm gonna try my best, from this day forward to improve on myself, because at the end of the day, you all are right; I have to do what's best for him.

 

The mother is also a single parent, and she deserves some help as well. It was honestly good to see her again after so long.

[Rebbie]

Your Mum was killed by a drunk.

 

You get those in all shapes and sizes, colours and creeds.

 

I am sorry for your loss. I really am...

 

My friend got killed by a speeding driver just before Christmas. Her daughter who was in the car is still spending most of her time in hospital but she is alive and getting better. Her father didn't take it well and died yesterday... Two lives lost a third destroyed because some bastard couldn't get his arse out of bed 5 minutes earlier... Doesn't make any sense at all does it.

 

I don't know what he looks like - I don't want to know what he looks like. I just hate him for his stupidity.

 

White, black, pink polka dot with blue stripes... Doesn't matter. You will get people who are lovely and people who are nasty.

 

Learn to accept your son. Learn how to be a better man for your son. Show him how to grow into a decent human being.

 

Oh and never forget Lego, Mechano, football... zoo visits, beach visits... Kids are amazing.

 

You have my sincerest condolences, and thank you for sharing something so personal. The pain of losing someone close; It stays with you constantly, but it does lessen everyday.

 

I will be going back to therapy, and I'm gonna take everyone's advice to work on myself for my son's sake. I can't be selfish about something so important to other people's lives, no matter what I'm dealing with. All I can do is try.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm caught up in a bad situation and am looking for honest, helpful advice about the matter. Please don't judge me too harshly even though I admit I'm not a good person for what I'm feeling.

 

As it turns out, I recently found out that I'm a father. To a five year old son. The boy was conceived from a brief relationship several years ago, and I only met with the mother again this month. Upon finding physical similarities between the boy and I, as well as the fact that the mother never knew who the father was, we took some tests that indeed confirmed my paternity.

 

This comes as a huge shock to me. I never planned on having children and now that the time has come, I'm conflicted on what to do. I want to be there as a dad, but I don't know if its too late to do so.

 

And then there's another problem. One I'm more ashamed about. You see, I'm also conflicted because the mother of this child is white, while I'm black. I've been struggling with my own levels of racism toward white people throughout my life after my mother was killed in a car accident by a white drunk driver.

 

I hate admitting this but I have feelings of regret that I have a biracial son with someone white, and am ashamed of those feelings because deep down I know they're wrong. I do want to be there as a father for a child I helped put on this earth, and the mother is the only woman I've been in a relationship with that I had a connection to (she believes I should pursue being his father). Why do I have these feelings? Why can't I push them aside completely? Am I fit to even be the boy's dad?

 

 

 

Wow, I'm so glad the path from the title of the thread surprised me in a good way.

 

First of all, some say that "you can't have racism without power"... and I suspect that if you hang your hat on that phrase, you can legitimately, in the eyes of some, not have to lay claim to the racism you feel.

 

Second, the origin/catalyst of your feelings is certainly very personal ... whoa, as I was typing, my mind flew to an ancient high school classmate, who once told of having been in a burning car, and unable to get the seat belt off... and his having been so thankful to have had a knife in his pocket which he ultimately used to free himself, and get out of the burning car...

 

 

Well guess what: that old friend tells of never wearing seat belts...

 

 

And he too lives in this world where car travel is far more potentially deadly than is air travel, and where the rest of us can see that, when playing the percentages, it would make the most sense for him to wear seat belts - but we can see why he doesn't...

 

 

I dunno, but I suspect that as you age, you will evolve to dissociate race from having had much to do with your mother's death. (and a first step toward that might be to more substantially recognize drunk driving as the centerpiece for your disdain)

 

 

When I first read the title of this thread, I was expecting a white redneck sorta guy, and envisioning his daughter bringing home some truly random person from this world, and his merely needing to know how to live with it.

 

Though when your son is of mixed heritage to start with, then I think your mind broadens immediately to the complete randomness of whoever it is he'll eventually mate with.

 

I think you'll be all right, and the son will have many years before he would ever have to truly understand the effects of such a unique (association, is a better word) for your disdain for white people.

[Bittersweetie]

Rebbie, I agree with the PPs who've stated that just the fact you are thinking about this issue is a huge step forward for you. Being self aware is an important step.

 

Not that this is exactly the same situation, my mother is a very anxious person. But I never knew this until I was much older. When I was born, she didn't want her anxiety to project onto me, so she worked on keeping in under control. And as a kid, I was always trying new things, never feeling scared, becoming more confident. Like I said, it wasn't until I was older and realized that she didn't do many things, and asked her about it, that she shared with me her decision above. It's really made me think of my own issues and how to not project them onto my own son.

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, especially in such a tragic and unexpected way. Now you have the gift of this little boy, and just like you will work to help him become a good and decent person, he will also help you become a better person as well. I'm fairly new to this parenting thing too...and am finding the learning curve goes both ways.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

I'm sorry about your past experience losing your mother. I'm sure everything surrounding that trauma has taken on great magnitude. I'm sure you that that rationally, it makes no sense to blame any one group of people for something, because you are in a group of people who should know that better than anyone. But we all struggle with biases that our history and experience has given us.

 

Bottom line here is that you do have an obligation to this child and that child is half you. If you give yourself a chance, you can grow to love the child and through getting to know your child, your racial biases will soften over time. Take the role of father and raise your child not to indulge his racial biases but to learn and grow from his experiences instead. Don't ever speak to him about how your mother died other than when he's over 18, just say "in a car accident." Don't make him take that on.

 

I have an uncle, now deceased, who was a horrible bigot. Even my other bigoted relatives thought he was over the edge about it. But as long as I can remember from when I was a toddler, this man was the kindest man to me, and I had his unwavering love for all my adult life until he died. He took care of his family, he worked hard. He and his family (white) lived in a mostly black community, so I was always puzzled why he stayed there if it bothered him that much, but until retirement age that's where they remained.

 

People aren't all bad and good and life isn't all black and white. I'd have trusted this man with my life. You can be that person to your son. But do him a favor and don't confuse him by revealing your biases to him. Let him be the more perfect version of you.

[Tayla]

My niece is a parent to a child they adopted. It is of a different cultural background. Can you perhaps consider that version and ask yourself, while I am late in the beginning stages, I am here moving forward to be the parent.

Strangest thing about kids...you fall in love with them and it remains that way thru out your relationship with them, if its built on solid ground.

 

You are welcome to feel those feelings, they are there as a reminder ....The difference is, once you are aware, you get the chance to make peace or improve upon it. Take your time in adjusting. Just as it will take the child time to see you as the father figure.

 

The incident with your mother is heartbreaking...sudden lost can send you in a tailspin. May comfort be with you when you think of her. You sound like a loving son.

 

Hopefully you and the mother can come to agreements on the child .

[GemmaUK]

Rebbie, I can see how you think this is a tough one.

 

First..and I will be somewhat blunt here for reasons you hopefully will understand later.

 

You lost your Mum to a drunk driver. I am so sorry for that.

I lost both of my parents at different times.

They died 16 years and 2 days apart actually but due to long term illness, not sudden death and not a sudden death like your Mum experienced - so I cannot say I know how you feel and it would be way wrong of me to do so.

 

 

Your little man is 5 years old.

When did your Mum die?

What was your opinion of your child's mother at the time when you were with her?

The reason I am asking is to find out whether you valued her as a woman or whether you devalued her because she was a white woman. I did say I would be blunt!

 

My Dad was a racist, he was born in 1926 - he was old school in many ways.

He was not racist against black women though - total turn about and one I did not like being his daughter and me born in 1969.

My brother is 7 years older than I am and I learned many of my values from him.

I learned about racism and feminism too from my brother but also I learned that people are just people and not a single one is the same as the next.

 

I personally don't have a problem with an entire race - but from experience I am really wary of one race in particular. I have fantastic life long friends and make new ones too of that race but I had a really bad time with 15 men of that race. So bad that I turned to my long time friend of the same race not knowing what on earth to do. He advised me and it changed things once I knew about the culture.

I am still very wary but I am also accepting of anyone who treats me with respect and not like these guys treated me.

 

The man who killed your Mum could have been from any race. He was drunk.

Yes, maybe whites are apt to drinking more (I won't deny that as they can be) but it could have been anyone.

 

Your little boy is also a mixture of you and his Mum.

He didn't cause the death of your Mum.

 

White's didn't cause the death of your Mum.

Alcohol did and damn stupidity for driving drunk.

Something which I find abhorrent. Thankfully it rarely happens these days and is not looked upon as OK in the UK any longer at all. You drive and you DO NOT have more than one drink and with a meal only.

I am not so sure though that it is as unusual in the US.

 

Your Mum was very unlucky. Out of this though could come luck and a great relationship with a little boy who is not to blame for his grandmother's death.

If he grows up without you he may wonder why, he may come to find you. You are getting an amazing chance to love this little boy and also let go of your views that it's all whites.

 

What would your Mum think?

What would she advise you to do?

 

 

Honestly, I think you are lucky that a potentially great thing occurred here.

If you are a good man who is able to take responsibility..your Mum would be so very very proud of you!

[Rebbie]

I think you'll be all right, and the son will have many years before he would ever have to truly understand the effects of such a unique (association, is a better word) for your disdain for white people.

 

I would be more than ashamed if a day ever came where he knew that about me. In a way, it's best for both him and myself to hide away these feelings and find a way to lose them simultaneously.

[Rebbie]

My niece is a parent to a child they adopted. It is of a different cultural background. Can you perhaps consider that version and ask yourself, while I am late in the beginning stages, I am here moving forward to be the parent.

Strangest thing about kids...you fall in love with them and it remains that way thru out your relationship with them, if its built on solid ground.

 

You are welcome to feel those feelings, they are there as a reminder ....The difference is, once you are aware, you get the chance to make peace or improve upon it. Take your time in adjusting. Just as it will take the child time to see you as the father figure.

 

The incident with your mother is heartbreaking...sudden lost can send you in a tailspin. May comfort be with you when you think of her. You sound like a loving son.

 

Hopefully you and the mother can come to agreements on the child .

 

The mother believes that I can be there as his father, which I really appreciate. Building the foundation of the relationship with my son on solid ground is the only way it can work, I agree. I have to leave my bs at the door before hand. Thank you for your input and advice.

[Rebbie]

Rebbie, I agree with the PPs who've stated that just the fact you are thinking about this issue is a huge step forward for you. Being self aware is an important step.

 

Not that this is exactly the same situation, my mother is a very anxious person. But I never knew this until I was much older. When I was born, she didn't want her anxiety to project onto me, so she worked on keeping in under control. And as a kid, I was always trying new things, never feeling scared, becoming more confident. Like I said, it wasn't until I was older and realized that she didn't do many things, and asked her about it, that she shared with me her decision above. It's really made me think of my own issues and how to not project them onto my own son.

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, especially in such a tragic and unexpected way. Now you have the gift of this little boy, and just like you will work to help him become a good and decent person, he will also help you become a better person as well. I'm fairly new to this parenting thing too...and am finding the learning curve goes both ways.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you. It's amazing how what we learn in our childhoods can stay with us for our entire lives. I commend you and your mother for being able to push aside whatever problems you might've had and do your best in raising your children.

 

I do believe that my son exists for a reason. It can't be a coincidence that we all found each other after so many years. Perhaps he was meant to come into my life now so I can be there for him before it was too late. I have to thank God every day for what he has given me in life.

[Rebbie]

I'm sorry about your past experience losing your mother. I'm sure everything surrounding that trauma has taken on great magnitude. I'm sure you that that rationally, it makes no sense to blame any one group of people for something, because you are in a group of people who should know that better than anyone. But we all struggle with biases that our history and experience has given us.

 

Bottom line here is that you do have an obligation to this child and that child is half you. If you give yourself a chance, you can grow to love the child and through getting to know your child, your racial biases will soften over time. Take the role of father and raise your child not to indulge his racial biases but to learn and grow from his experiences instead. Don't ever speak to him about how your mother died other than when he's over 18, just say "in a car accident." Don't make him take that on.

 

I have an uncle, now deceased, who was a horrible bigot. Even my other bigoted relatives thought he was over the edge about it. But as long as I can remember from when I was a toddler, this man was the kindest man to me, and I had his unwavering love for all my adult life until he died. He took care of his family, he worked hard. He and his family (white) lived in a mostly black community, so I was always puzzled why he stayed there if it bothered him that much, but until retirement age that's where they remained.

 

People aren't all bad and good and life isn't all black and white. I'd have trusted this man with my life. You can be that person to your son. But do him a favor and don't confuse him by revealing your biases to him. Let him be the more perfect version of you.

 

I have trouble talking to people about my mother without getting worked up or terribly depressed in the process, so I agree, perhaps it would be best to discuss that as little as possible with him. I'd hate myself if I let him feel that he had anything to do with my past traumas because of his heritage.

 

Thank you for your advice. I will take from what you've learned from your uncle and apply it the best that I can to my own life.

[Rebbie]

Rebbie, I can see how you think this is a tough one.

 

First..and I will be somewhat blunt here for reasons you hopefully will understand later.

 

You lost your Mum to a drunk driver. I am so sorry for that.

I lost both of my parents at different times.

They died 16 years and 2 days apart actually but due to long term illness, not sudden death and not a sudden death like your Mum experienced - so I cannot say I know how you feel and it would be way wrong of me to do so.

 

 

Your little man is 5 years old.

When did your Mum die?

What was your opinion of your child's mother at the time when you were with her?

The reason I am asking is to find out whether you valued her as a woman or whether you devalued her because she was a white woman. I did say I would be blunt!

 

My Dad was a racist, he was born in 1926 - he was old school in many ways.

He was not racist against black women though - total turn about and one I did not like being his daughter and me born in 1969.

My brother is 7 years older than I am and I learned many of my values from him.

I learned about racism and feminism too from my brother but also I learned that people are just people and not a single one is the same as the next.

 

I personally don't have a problem with an entire race - but from experience I am really wary of one race in particular. I have fantastic life long friends and make new ones too of that race but I had a really bad time with 15 men of that race. So bad that I turned to my long time friend of the same race not knowing what on earth to do. He advised me and it changed things once I knew about the culture.

I am still very wary but I am also accepting of anyone who treats me with respect and not like these guys treated me.

 

The man who killed your Mum could have been from any race. He was drunk.

Yes, maybe whites are apt to drinking more (I won't deny that as they can be) but it could have been anyone.

 

Your little boy is also a mixture of you and his Mum.

He didn't cause the death of your Mum.

 

White's didn't cause the death of your Mum.

Alcohol did and damn stupidity for driving drunk.

Something which I find abhorrent. Thankfully it rarely happens these days and is not looked upon as OK in the UK any longer at all. You drive and you DO NOT have more than one drink and with a meal only.

I am not so sure though that it is as unusual in the US.

 

Your Mum was very unlucky. Out of this though could come luck and a great relationship with a little boy who is not to blame for his grandmother's death.

If he grows up without you he may wonder why, he may come to find you. You are getting an amazing chance to love this little boy and also let go of your views that it's all whites.

 

What would your Mum think?

What would she advise you to do?

 

 

Honestly, I think you are lucky that a potentially great thing occurred here.

If you are a good man who is able to take responsibility..your Mum would be so very very proud of you!

 

I am a catholic man and I do believe that your parents are resting peacefully. I am also sorry that you had to lose them.

 

I was around 12-13 at the time that my mom passed away. It remember how hard it was on my father the most.

 

As for my opinion of the child's mother? No, I didn't devalue her because of her race. At least, I'm certain I didn't at the time. I naively felt that I had finally done away with all my prejudices and found a date with someone, not caring about the skin color. However, the relationship grew, and I felt myself caring more and more deeply for her. It was strange because I'd never felt so strongly about anyone I'd been in a relationship with before or since. Certainly not someone white. Out of stupidity, I did end it because I couldn't see myself pursuing something serious while I still had my feelings of prejudice. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and didn't want to potentially hurt her down the line. It hurt her anyway, and I regret that till this day.

 

You are a much better person than I to have gone through what you did and still be as open as you are. Especially to that group.

 

When you put it that way, I feel like the lowest form of crap. And maybe I should. To have actually associated my pains of loss to my child is absolutely pathetic. I have nothing against my son or the mother as people. All the faults are from my own viewpoint, I can see that. At the end of the day, he's half haitian and half irish, but none of that makes any difference.

 

If my mom were alive today, she'd likely tell me to be there for my son, as my own dad was a great father figure. She was the most loving person I've ever known.

 

Thank you for bringing all of this up. The obvious route just seems even more so now. I have so much work to do.

[GemmaUK]

I am a catholic man and I do believe that your parents are resting peacefully. I am also sorry that you had to lose them.

 

I was around 12-13 at the time that my mom passed away. It remember how hard it was on my father the most.

 

As for my opinion of the child's mother? No, I didn't devalue her because of her race. At least, I'm certain I didn't at the time. I naively felt that I had finally done away with all my prejudices and found a date with someone, not caring about the skin color. However, the relationship grew, and I felt myself caring more and more deeply for her. It was strange because I'd never felt so strongly about anyone I'd been in a relationship with before or since. Certainly not someone white. Out of stupidity, I did end it because I couldn't see myself pursuing something serious while I still had my feelings of prejudice. I didn't want to be a hypocrite and didn't want to potentially hurt her down the line. It hurt her anyway, and I regret that till this day.

 

You are a much better person than I to have gone through what you did and still be as open as you are. Especially to that group.

 

When you put it that way, I feel like the lowest form of crap. And maybe I should. To have actually associated my pains of loss to my child is absolutely pathetic. I have nothing against my son or the mother as people. All the faults are from my own viewpoint, I can see that. At the end of the day, he's half haitian and half irish, but none of that makes any difference.

 

If my mom were alive today, she'd likely tell me to be there for my son, as my own dad was a great father figure. She was the most loving person I've ever known.

 

Thank you for bringing all of this up. The obvious route just seems even more so now. I have so much work to do.

 

 

You have no reason to feel c**p.

 

 

I also don't think you have a lot of work to do unless you haven't posted honestly.

 

 

If you have posted honestly here then I don't think you are a racist.

 

 

Do you see a white man/woman and instantly have feelings of hatred or do you have feelings of disdain and wariness if you see a white man driving a car or having a few beers and leaving a bar with his keys in his hand?

 

 

If it's the latter then these are the kind of feelings that any normal human being can have. Heck you were 12 years old and your Mum was killed! (sorry to be blunt but if that idiot hadn't been on the road and hadn't had a few beers you would likely have spent the Easter break with your Mum.

 

 

I have to admit that the group I had a problem with I still can't help thinking 'so we'll see how this goes' but initially when I deal with newly introduced people of that race I can't help but be much more wary.

It's human nature.

 

 

I dislike that I think this way but I can't help it. I don't vocalise it in anyway but I can't help but have a feeling of kinda 'prove to me that you are worth my respect and treat me well if not slightly better than the black/white guy sitting next to you'.

It's wrong and I know that but also thinking about a few other things that have happened during the past few years that wariness has kept me safe on a few (just a very few mind you) occasions.

 

 

I admit maybe my post sounds a bit warped here and I stated it so am aware of it.

But I can't help but feel sometimes that we see a 'group' and if a person has done such a bad thing to us then how could we not have a thought run through our minds?

 

 

Someone else mentioned love for a child - it can be your own and also can be a relative or even a friend's child. Love for children can break down an awful lot of barriers (says the woman who used to dislike children before her niece was born )

 

 

If you can get past your thoughts you will be making one very strong good thing come from what happened to your Mum. Don't waste this opportunity, I think you will love to regret it if you do. I really do think that.

[Hope Shimmers]

The title of this thread made me initially burn with anger, because racism is on my short list of things that I cannot tolerate... until I read your posts OP.

 

You are not a racist. People who are racist are not self-aware of it. They don't make posts wondering if their 'racism' will negatively affect their children.

 

Congrats on your newfound son and good luck!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I would be more than ashamed if a day ever came where he knew that about me. In a way, it's best for both him and myself to hide away these feelings and find a way to lose them simultaneously.

 

 

 

... well OK, agreed, that if you could 'lose (those feelings)' with a wave of a wand, that would be ideal.

 

However (and realistically) I think you rate some sort of a special exemption for the root cause of your (self-defined) racism.

But, I think it is reasonably fair for most onlookers to (guess) that the quality of your own life would/will improve upon your losing those feelings through whatever means necessary.

 

 

A day later and I still really believe that there is a useful parallel between you and the random old H.S. friend I mentioned who is so adversely affected by his experience with seat belts.

 

So much so, that if we were discussing HIS 5yo kid, and trying to do what was best for the kid, m-m-m-m-MOST of us here at LS would agree that to have the kid wear his seat belt each and every time in a car would be most ideal. And at the same time it would be reasonable and OK to explain the very logical special circumstance which effected his father's refusal of seat belts (in what is sometimes the same car together).

 

(and the dad need not be "ashamed" of his feelings)

 

SO I am trying to say that I don't think you need to protect that would-be secret (/deep resentment) so fiercely... as it is fair that that experience of losing your mother is a part of you.

 

 

I think your (inclination) for feeling shame in this unique circumstance is more the result of perceiving would-be public opinion-OF/reaction-TO you than it is to the root cause OF your (disdain for white people).

 

The guy who doesn't use seat belts gets to view a similar scenario without the would-be public scorn (even though, to ride in cars without using seat belts is a foolish percentage play for most anyone).

[amaysngrace]

Congratulations on being a father!

 

I don't think you're racist. I think you formed an opinion based on what somebody else told you when you were 12-13 when the race of the drunk driver was mentioned to you by somebody who probably shouldn't have mentioned that.

 

Because of the trauma you're most likely still viewing the drunk driver's race from the eyes of a child. You can evolve from that once you recognize that who you were then is not the person who you are today. You can know that it has been faulty thinking that you've been carrying and start seeing things as an adult.

 

Besides, you really shouldn't pass those feelings onto your son because then you'd be insulting his mom, who he probably loves dearly.

 

I'm sorry about your mom, by the way. I'm sure she's looking down on you with a very proud heart for the man that you've become.

[whichwayisup]

I wish your issue was just the fact that it was a drunk driver, not sure if the fact the person who killed your mom was white should make a difference. That person could have been Asian, black, Latino ... I am sorry for your loss, condolences.

 

You can be a great father to your 5 year old, it's never too late!

 

Get counseling to help you cope with your issues.

[contact1]

Be there for your kid and just do your best to control those feelings. You don't have to be perfect to be a good father, just being there alone counts for so much.