digdug75 Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 I am working on developing boundaries! I have little experience with single females being friends with single males. This is what I understand to be the meaning of friendship, or what it involves. Friendship: affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend. Also friends tend to share common backgrounds, occupations, or interests, and have similar demographics. I have been told by some female family members. That it is possible to be friends with the opposite gender. I ask how is this possible? It is my opinion that a being friends with a single female eventually will fail. I am not talking about being friendly to the opposite sex but having a healthy friendship. It is my view that the only way it is possible to be friends of the opposite sex, is if they are related to you, married, possible if they have a steady boyfriend, or if person friends with you is gay. Be a male gay friend from the female side or female gay friend from the male side. My view is that when a single male and female decide they are friends. One or the other has more feelings then they are willing to express. Which doesn't make it a friendship, but a future desire to become romantically involved. I also think that a romantic relationship requires friendship even to call one another best friends. If true friends ship can be obtained with no romantic emotions by either male or female involved. How can it be obtained? My last relationship involved being told I was a friend with benefits and sometimes just friends. I have little to no boundaries mind you. I did things with her that I wouldn't do with best friends. So I think that is all. What is your opinion? What are the boundaries?
d0nnivain Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Sex is a big boundary. You don't have sex or romantic physical contact -- hugs, kisses, cuddles -- with friends. I may give a quick bodies apart clap on the back or peck on the cheek to a friend but there is space. Think Duggar's side hug rules. You talk about stuff. You don't stare into each other's eyes. You maintain the same distance social space as a same sex buddy. If you wouldn't sit on the couch with your thighs touching a male buddy when there are plenty of other open seats on the couch, don't sit that close to a woman friend. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Well first of all there is not a "female view" many women feel different from each other about this and everything in fact!! I am fine with it but boundaries are important like donnovan said. Not just sex. If you realize that the "friend" has a crush on you or motives that go beyond friendly you should not be hanging out with them, that is an emotional boundary that you need to hold up. I think sometimes people know that their "friend" is in love or lust with them or whatever and pretend they don't know and that will lead to problems!!
Author digdug75 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Well first of all there is not a "female view" many women feel different from each other about this and everything in fact!! I am fine with it but boundaries are important like donnovan said. Not just sex. If you realize that the "friend" has a crush on you or motives that go beyond friendly you should not be hanging out with them, that is an emotional boundary that you need to hold up. I think sometimes people know that their "friend" is in love or lust with them or whatever and pretend they don't know and that will lead to problems!! My apologies for offending you with using "Female View". It wasn't to state that all women think alike. I understand that many women feel differently about the subject. Wasn't sure how to phrase things. Just wanted a females point of view. Regardless of how they may differ! If you have an idea on how I can rephrase the title let me know. I will redo the post if possible. Thank you for the feed back on boundaries!
Author digdug75 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Sex is a big boundary. You don't have sex or romantic physical contact -- hugs, kisses, cuddles -- with friends. I may give a quick bodies apart clap on the back or peck on the cheek to a friend but there is space. Think Duggar's side hug rules. You talk about stuff. You don't stare into each other's eyes. You maintain the same distance social space as a same sex buddy. If you wouldn't sit on the couch with your thighs touching a male buddy when there are plenty of other open seats on the couch, don't sit that close to a woman friend. Ok good stuff! Thanks
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 My apologies for offending you with using "Female View". It wasn't to state that all women think alike. \ It's ok I am not offended!! Just wanted to clarify!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Most of the statements/thoughts in the OP are markedly blurred. For it is entirely possible for women to have male friends and maintain the significant boundary which is mere friendship. (because women, as always, can get sex anytime they want it) Men, however, have zero interest in being mere friends with women who they wouldn't rather be banging. (* and of course there are exceptions for neighbors, family connections, and work connections) Despite all of that, far too many married couples think that it is "fair" that each should be allowed to dally with friendships of the opposite sex on the side. The reality is that men simply wouldn't pursue such friendships were they not really interested in something sexual. And while women decide independently whether anything will ever happen along those (sexual) lines, the men pursuing "friendships" with those women are only there for one thing... So, in brief, the woman's freedom for such friendships is more trustworthy than is the male's, but the guys who are those supposed friends OF those women would rather be banging them.
PaperCrane Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Most of the statements/thoughts in the OP are markedly blurred. For it is entirely possible for women to have male friends and maintain the significant boundary which is mere friendship. (because women, as always, can get sex anytime they want it) Men, however, have zero interest in being mere friends with women who they wouldn't rather be banging. (* and of course there are exceptions for neighbors, family connections, and work connections) Despite all of that, far too many married couples think that it is "fair" that each should be allowed to dally with friendships of the opposite sex on the side. The reality is that men simply wouldn't pursue such friendships were they not really interested in something sexual. And while women decide independently whether anything will ever happen along those (sexual) lines, the men pursuing "friendships" with those women are only there for one thing... So, in brief, the woman's freedom for such friendships is more trustworthy than is the male's, but the guys who are those supposed friends OF those women would rather be banging them. I would agree mostly. I've had several female friends I would hang out with strictly on a platonic level. A couple of these I would never touch physically, simple as that. A few others...sure I'd go further if they made a move but they're not the type I'd pursue anything with on my own or even really think about it. There is the catch though, I would go to bed with them if they wanted to. Most girls I feel would not think on the same lines. There is one however I'd much rather be in a relationship with and she knows it.
Author digdug75 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Most of the statements/thoughts in the OP are markedly blurred. For it is entirely possible for women to have male friends and maintain the significant boundary which is mere friendship. (because women, as always, can get sex anytime they want it) Men, however, have zero interest in being mere friends with women who they wouldn't rather be banging. (* and of course there are exceptions for neighbors, family connections, and work connections) Despite all of that, far too many married couples think that it is "fair" that each should be allowed to dally with friendships of the opposite sex on the side. The reality is that men simply wouldn't pursue such friendships were they not really interested in something sexual. And while women decide independently whether anything will ever happen along those (sexual) lines, the men pursuing "friendships" with those women are only there for one thing... So, in brief, the woman's freedom for such friendships is more trustworthy than is the male's, but the guys who are those supposed friends OF those women would rather be banging them. Ok most statements are "Markedly Blurred". Which ones weren't? So all men pursue friendships as sex being the only desire, and impossible for men to contain friendship boundaries! No women pursue friendships with sex as desire and possible to contain friendship boundaries! Gotcha! Then this cause me more questions! Do women understand your stated fact? If women do understand your stated fact. Then why do women pursue friendships with men? How does a man pursue a meaningful healthy relationship without first becoming friends?
Bohonia Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Men and women can be friends however i think its easier for women than men. Men's natural instinct is to mate so more than likely if he is straight and is BFFFFFFF's with a girl theres a good change he may fall for her or at least want to sleep with her. He becomes her go to guy for relationship issues and is her emotional tampon so to say, basically he end up torturing himself, but they started out as friends to his fault. Women on the other hand its a little easier we can be BF with a guy flirt, have fun but have absolutely no interest in taking him to bed. So yes men and women can be friends if there is absolutely 100% no romantic essence and they are more like sibling...
Paterlany Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 My boy has good friends that are girls. Trust is the biggest thing. Sometimes i can see some like him more but hes with me. The same for me. he trusts and knows i`m his. 1
Author digdug75 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 Men and women can be friends however i think its easier for women than men. Men's natural instinct is to mate so more than likely if he is straight and is BFFFFFFF's with a girl theres a good change he may fall for her or at least want to sleep with her. He becomes her go to guy for relationship issues and is her emotional tampon so to say, basically he end up torturing himself, but they started out as friends to his fault. Women on the other hand its a little easier we can be BF with a guy flirt, have fun but have absolutely no interest in taking him to bed. So yes men and women can be friends if there is absolutely 100% no romantic essence and they are more like sibling... Do women flirt with other women? I always been told that when women flirt it was a sign that they were interested in you. Do women flirt with men that they are interested in? Doesn't flirting send mixed messages?
Author digdug75 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 My boy has good friends that are girls. Trust is the biggest thing. Sometimes i can see some like him more but hes with me. The same for me. he trusts and knows i`m his. Yes I can see how being in a trusting relationship can allow friends of the opposite gender. How can you see that the girls who are friends with him like him more? In your opinion are they truly seeking just friendship or waiting for a break up so they can move in? I mean is it a true friendship. Do they go to the movies together, watch sports together, hang out at the bar together, or other such things that friends would do with out your presence?
preraph Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Men and women differ on this, in general. There are always exceptions, of course. Women, for the most part, are perfectly fine being friends with a guy they have no interest in romantically. Men, on the other hand, seem to have thoughts of sex foremost in their mind and many can't seem to stop themselves from thinking about having sex with women, and they tend not to befriend women they aren't attracted to. For example, few men decide they want to befriend a fat lady for whom they have no attraction, whereas women will befriend unattractive guys and attractive ones as well. Bottom line is you should never be dishonest with someone you're friends with. If you want to have sex with them, don't lie and say you just want to be friends because eventually it will all come to a head and you get rejected and she loses who she thought was a real friend but was really just a poser trying to sneak into her pants. Likewise, the female version of this is women will get rejected by a male they're attracted to but want to keep him around at all costs. Now, some strong people with a lot of self-discipline can pull this off. I have. But in general, you end up with a sad depressed woman hanging on for months or years hoping he will magically change and be attracted to her. Sadly, he may compound the confusion by being weak one time and having sex with her, building her hopes up again. I'm saying that's no way to live. There are males and females who can be friends, but those people have to be very clear and have very sharp boundaries. There can be no ambiguity that one or the other is harboring a crush, because that is dishonest and it's an invasion of privacy because if they had that info, they wouldn't be telling you as much. As far as being friends with the one you love -- yes. But physical attraction has to be there first before romance can ever develop. If it's not there right away, it's not going to manifest.
Paterlany Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Yes I can see how being in a trusting relationship can allow friends of the opposite gender. How can you see that the girls who are friends with him like him more? In your opinion are they truly seeking just friendship or waiting for a break up so they can move in? I mean is it a true friendship. Do they go to the movies together, watch sports together, hang out at the bar together, or other such things that friends would do with out your presence? They hang out together. He`s a huge football fan i am not. They go to games. They have a drink together. he comes home to me. i come home to him. Love. Thats it. We cannot control each other. that makes it even better. Some girls want more with him, it is obvious. but they won`t because he loves me. Thats it. Trust.
Author digdug75 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Posted April 19, 2015 They hang out together. He`s a huge football fan i am not. They go to games. They have a drink together. he comes home to me. i come home to him. Love. Thats it. We cannot control each other. that makes it even better. Some girls want more with him, it is obvious. but they won`t because he loves me. Thats it. Trust. No hey I get it love, and trust with the person you are with allows friendships with opposite sex. What I don't get is that I have been told on this forum and another forum that a women can have a friendship with no romantic emotion involved. I mean why do these women continue to engage in "friendship" knowing how they feel about your "boy"? What purpose does it serve? So far it is unclear to me how people come to the conclusion that a friendship involving 2 single people of the opposite sex (that aren't gay) can work! I mean one person in the friendship is bound the have more feelings for one than the other. Why is it that it is the man that gets the label of not being able to handle such a friendship? Why is it that men get the label of wanting sex out of friendship and not vise versa? If this is common knowledge with most or some women. Why do they engage with friendships with single men? In my eyes the best advice to give man who is attracted to a women due to her character, personality traits, or just her figure. Someone should be telling that man to be upfront right off the bat and if he is not getting the answer he is looking for then move on. According to one guys reply "all" men have one priority and that is sex! And if this is common agreed upon knowledge. Why oh why do women pursue friendship with a man? Seeing how "no" women according to his reply ever has romance as motivation for engaging a friendship with a single man. I say romance because I believe it is the women's version of sex. I find it very interesting that men get the blame for being not being able to work a friendship due to hormones!
Author digdug75 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Posted April 19, 2015 I have had situations where I was with a girl that said we are friends and I thought the same thing. Next thing I know I am getting ripped a new one because I didn't realize it was more than a friendship. Mind you sex with her never even occurred to me. Nor did any desire to bring friendship to next level cross my mind.
imtooconfused Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I have had situations where I was with a girl that said we are friends and I thought the same thing. Next thing I know I am getting ripped a new one because I didn't realize it was more than a friendship. Mind you sex with her never even occurred to me. Nor did any desire to bring friendship to next level cross my mind. Yes, the friendzone goes both ways and why (as a guy) I admit it's "possible" for men and women to be only friends, but it takes a very specific situation. If someone that I have no romantic interest in wants to be friends but I see the starry eyes, I have to break off the friendship because it's spinning in the wrong direction. I will be honest that I first approach women that I am attracted to on a friendly basis, because being friends with my partner is important to me. But I never volunteer that my interest stops at friendship and if there is no mutual interest in continuing beyond that boundary, these relationships tend to fade for me too.
darkmoon Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 all my male friends have asked me, once they are single, they ask, i have to leave them alone, for in refusing i am saying i do not fancy them three men friends later i know platonic does not last, one ambitious one made it clear i was just a stop-gap between catches/a richer woman, and still he expected a yes
Esraem Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Men and women differ on this, in general. There are always exceptions, of course. Women, for the most part, are perfectly fine being friends with a guy they have no interest in romantically. Men, on the other hand, seem to have thoughts of sex foremost in their mind and many can't seem to stop themselves from thinking about having sex with women, and they tend not to befriend women they aren't attracted to. For example, few men decide they want to befriend a fat lady for whom they have no attraction, whereas women will befriend unattractive guys and attractive ones as well. Bottom line is you should never be dishonest with someone you're friends with. If you want to have sex with them, don't lie and say you just want to be friends because eventually it will all come to a head and you get rejected and she loses who she thought was a real friend but was really just a poser trying to sneak into her pants. Likewise, the female version of this is women will get rejected by a male they're attracted to but want to keep him around at all costs. Now, some strong people with a lot of self-discipline can pull this off. I have. But in general, you end up with a sad depressed woman hanging on for months or years hoping he will magically change and be attracted to her. Sadly, he may compound the confusion by being weak one time and having sex with her, building her hopes up again. I'm saying that's no way to live. There are males and females who can be friends, but those people have to be very clear and have very sharp boundaries. There can be no ambiguity that one or the other is harboring a crush, because that is dishonest and it's an invasion of privacy because if they had that info, they wouldn't be telling you as much. As far as being friends with the one you love -- yes. But physical attraction has to be there first before romance can ever develop. If it's not there right away, it's not going to manifest. If you are in a relationship be careful on both sides. If you start going to that person for advice on issues in the relationship and not your sig other it will cause problems. If there is any attraction, that person may begin unconsciously feeding information to push their agenda which is not to help keep a couple together, but to remove the other from the equation so they can slide in.
elanue Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 In high school, I had two male friends. One of them was in love with me, and the other one I was in love with, but he wasn't interested in me. I personally think it's hard to maintain healthy relationships with the opposite sex, there's almost always someone who ends up getting hurt, so I'm willing to agree with you.
AJ27k Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 I think its possible but the chances of two people from the opposite sex keeping their relationship platonic is unlikely. I have really had 4 good female friends my whole life, and I am 27 now. IN each case something happened because one person loved the other. I fell in love with two of these friends. I was rejected by one and the friendship was too awkward to continue. The other case, we dated for a year but after we broke up, we never continued the friendship. In one case, the female fell in love with me, but I didn't have feelings for her. She became super jealous when I started dating someone else and the friendship was ruined and ended. The last case is my current situation (made a thread about it), and sadly I don't it is not going to conclude well. I think what happens is overtime, a friend of the opposite sex just becomes more attractive. One person is bound to fall in love with the other. You realize they have an amazing personality, you like being with them and they become more attractive over time. This is what happened to me in every case. I think most people make friends with other people that have some characteristics they like. In the case of the opposite sex, you likely at some level find the other physically attractive. Over time, that grows.
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