Is it better to have a single mom or an abusive father too?

[Tree lover]

I sort of was seeing a good friend of mine for about a year. He is notoriously hard to get close to and I had always found him attractive. One night, we made out at a party and the next day we just met up and talked. We didn't sleep together for a few more weeks, but when we did it was great. For the first six months, I was on the pill, but then I got a blood clot and was told to stick to condoms. I made him aware of this the first day and he said it was okay with him and he was not against using condoms and still wanted to continue our relationship.

 

He started to get mean also around this time. He would throw tantrums and call me names over the dumbest reasons. One night, he shoved me into a wall because I was canceling our date to go out with another man. However, almost weekly he would say to me "you know I'm not your boyfriend, right?" Yes. I knew. So there was no reason to get mad if I went out with another man. One time when I was on a date he parked across the street from the restaurant and watched us, then called me later to talk about the other guy. He has also punched me and threw a coffee mug at me on other occasions.

 

I got pregnant eight months ago. It is his, and I told him and he was happy. He didn't want me to abort or give the baby up for adoption. I gave him both those options but I stated "I want this baby."

 

A month into the pregnancy, we got in another fight and he kicked my legs out from under me and said he was going to slit my throat if I tried to leave his house. After he went to sleep I ran and went to my parents' home an hour away and filled a restraining order. I don't keep in touch with my friends because I don't want him to find me. I'm back home now but I'm getting more worried about being a single mom as time goes on. I don't want my son to have to go without, but I don't want to share him with an abuser.

 

My question is, have I done the right thing? Is it better to have a single mom than have an abusive father in the picture as well?

[elaine567]

Better to have a single mother, no kid needs an abuser. Abusers as they get worse often end up abusing the kids too.

[Tree lover]

Better to have a single mother, no kid needs an abuser. Abusers as they get worse often end up abusing the kids too.

 

This is why I ran. The chance of this man hurting our baby is what scared me. I just don't want my son to miss out on having a father and then hating me for it. All I want to do is protect him and do what is right... But last week I read an article filled with statistics about kids from broken homes and it broke my heart.

[Tayla]

Your life choices are just that. you are bringing a child into this world. The biological father will have rights to see the son . For now tend to your pregnancy and stay safe. For now the restraining order should suffice. I presume that when you made this choice you had proper income and a stable home for this lovely child. That will show the child you are a stable parent. May you enjoy parenting! Good health to you both.

[GemmaUK]

100% do not question yourself on this ever again.

 

 

He needs male role models but he doesn't need his biological father as one.

[Quiet Storm]

I think the kids that suffer most from broken homes are ones that had an intact family, and have to suffer the loss of their family due to divorce. I think it's easier on kids who never had an intact family, at all. I think it's the loss, the trauma, the changes that create the issues. A baby brought up with a single mom knows no other life. They don't feel a loss, because they never had it. There is a void, but no father is better than an abusive father. Its the lesser of two difficult circumstances, and an absent father does less damage than an abusive one. A child needs at least one emotionally healthy parent that loves them, and they will usually turn out OK. An intact family is the optimal situation, but not if one parent is abusive.

Edited April 17, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[Tree lover]

Yes, I am gainfully employed in a field that is booming and currently under employed right now. I had to change jobs when I moved back home but this company had been trying to hire me for some time. I also have a bit in savings so financially I am well off. My parents have also been very supportive of my choices and that has been a great help to me.

[anika99]

Tree Lover, obviously having an abusive father is not better than having no father. Otherwise there would be no such thing as child protective services and no such thing as removing children from abusive homes. We would all just sit around saying "oh well, having abusive parents is better than no parents so lets just let parents abuse their kids"

 

 

Do not let this man near your child. Document every abusive thing he has ever done in case he fights you for custody. Being a single parent is hard, it's true. I've been there. Too bad. You made this choice and now you have to deal with it. It is up to you to protect your child and if you welcome this abuser into your life than you are no better than being an abuser yourself.

[elaine567]

Yes, I am gainfully employed in a field that is booming and currently under employed right now. I had to change jobs when I moved back home but this company had been trying to hire me for some time. I also have a bit in savings so financially I am well off. My parents have also been very supportive of my choices and that has been a great help to me.

 

YOU have everything going for you here, your son will be cared for and loved by you and your family, and he will know that.

Abuse kills people inside, keep him well away from your ex.

[Tree lover]

I guess I'm struggling because I love my own father and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. I had deep feelings for this man and I thought that he was coming around to be a better person. I admit though I probably should have stopped seeing him after he waited outside the restaurant. That damaged a real potential good relationship.

 

I never understood why he was so set on me not being his girlfriend or my boyfriend yet would freak if I even looked at another man. He once said to me "you'll never understand how hard it is to be someone like me and love someone like you." It was so weird to me.

[Tayla]

the possibility does exist and I have seen it happen, where people change!

Maybe in a few years the bio dad will show interest and be of civil manner. Lets not EXCLUDE that. Far too many folks here can attest that in 18 years they have changed in many ways.....

For now you are chosing to be safe and take care of your well being...for that is the best that can be asked. No one here can say what the future holds....just that we wish you the best in a safe pregnancy and a healthy child.

[Tree lover]

Honestly, part of me misses him. There were parts of our relationship that were great. I always tried to accept him and make him happy. He didn't have a good upbringing and I think it made him reclusive. I was hurt every time he told me he didn't want to be with me, but was in love with me. He is an introverted person while I am very extroverted. I wanted to show him that I thought he was a valuable person, even if he did hit me and throw things at me because I wanted it to change him.

 

He's a heavy drinker, sometimes he'll drink straight out of the bottle if it has been a hard day. I never was comfortable with that.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess I'm struggling because I love my own father and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. I had deep feelings for this man and I thought that he was coming around to be a better person. I admit though I probably should have stopped seeing him after he waited outside the restaurant. That damaged a real potential good relationship.

 

I never understood why he was so set on me not being his girlfriend or my boyfriend yet would freak if I even looked at another man. He once said to me "you'll never understand how hard it is to be someone like me and love someone like you." It was so weird to me.

 

Okay, the first bolded statement: people that abuse, once they realize it for real, if they want to change, they get their asses into therapy, DV groups, the whole nine yards. And even then, a decent percentage drop out and revert to their old ways.

 

Abusers are typically thisclose to getting help or "changing to be better."

 

They stay thisclose to really changing pretty much until you leave them. They never seem to arrive at change or real intimacy unless they are members of the above group that really focuses on it like they need it to breathe. RARE.

 

Your guy does NOT sound like a candidate. Period.

 

The second bolded point really underlines the whole "control" thing that abusers typically do. They want you to expect little from them in terms of contribution, commitment or decency, yet whatever you do better meet their approval.

 

He could "not be your boyfriend" but I assure you, you were expected to be his girlfriend for as long as it was convenient to him.

 

Clearly this guy has such harsh anger and control issues that you sound incredibly lucky to have a supportive family etc. you could go to with your pregnancy. Many abused women DO NOT have many options, which is why abusers subconsciously or consciously pick them. Typically they want to be a women's white knight and view themselves as such. Then they resent the role they picked up and resent the woman for expecting any kind of typical relational contribution from them. They want to be adored and have their insecurities soothed. They don't want to be "put upon" by having responsibility for how the relationship is.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly, part of me misses him. There were parts of our relationship that were great. I always tried to accept him and make him happy. He didn't have a good upbringing and I think it made him reclusive. I was hurt every time he told me he didn't want to be with me, but was in love with me. He is an introverted person while I am very extroverted. I wanted to show him that I thought he was a valuable person, even if he did hit me and throw things at me because I wanted it to change him.

 

He's a heavy drinker, sometimes he'll drink straight out of the bottle if it has been a hard day. I never was comfortable with that.

 

Just because he engages in very destructive behaviour does not automatically make him a "monster" or a "bad person."

 

I mean, saying he's going to slit your throat just um, yeah does paint him under the "bad person" category in my mind, but I am also pretty judgmental and have stayed in an abusive relationship for years.

 

Intellectually we can see that he had a crap upbringing, it leads to crappy neurological programming. He clearly doesn't have the skill set to make a consistently secure or kind partner.

 

His abusive and binge-drinking issues don't mean that you have to hate him or completely dismiss the fact that he was ever fun or nice to be around. Of course he was. If he showed you his insecure, abusive side first, you wouldn't have continued with him.

 

You can have a lot of empathy for him. You can see where he does not really "get it" and know that he needs to do serious work to get serious help to not be a threat to a partner or a baby. But that does not equal recontacting or recommitting to him. At all. Even ever.

 

It means that you can let him go, because I can assure you, short of a miracle or a real solid turnaround from him (that rarely happens) these behaviours will only get worse to the point where he would have seriously injured you or your child.

 

Even if he didn't outright physically injure you, I can assure you that you and your child would walk on eggshells not to set him off.

 

My mother did that with my father and always made excuses for him.

 

I am 32 and I am still recovering from my disaster childhood. It also set the stage for me to marry an man that has issues with abuse, abandonment and drinking, and stealing my medication. Yet, there, lurking in the back of my mind is this "But I know that underneath that he's a good person, we had a beautiful history and we love each other. If he could only.............. and he's thisclose to solving it."

 

He's been thisclose to getting better for six years.

 

I have had to swallow the really bitter pill that was obvious to everyone years ago. He hasn't put in the work and refuses to take real responsibility for his behaviour no matter what it costs him. In fact, he's been pretty well absentee for awhile now and it is VERY hard on our five year-old. She talks about him everyday. He hasn't even phoned her etc. in two days. He didn't even let her know that he was going. She just woke up and he was gone.

 

How ****ty is that?

 

You love YOUR Dad. This guy is not YOUR DAD. It doesn't sound like he has the basis to be a healthy Dad or a safe partner.

 

Guess what babies need? Safety, Security, Consistency. Or else you really screw them up.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly, part of me misses him. There were parts of our relationship that were great. I always tried to accept him and make him happy. He didn't have a good upbringing and I think it made him reclusive. I was hurt every time he told me he didn't want to be with me, but was in love with me. He is an introverted person while I am very extroverted. I wanted to show him that I thought he was a valuable person, even if he did hit me and throw things at me because I wanted it to change him.

He's a heavy drinker, sometimes he'll drink straight out of the bottle if it has been a hard day. I never was comfortable with that.

 

You can't love him better.

 

Typically men with abusive patterns only see this as manipulation and a form of control no matter your intentions.

 

I know it's frigging sad. But it just can't be done by you.

 

People that have that kind of childhood wounding need to invest in themselves to start healing and feel special (myself included).

[Tree lover]

I know he isn't my dad. my point is I feel bad he never had that. I know his mom was very mean and unaffectionate that breaks my heart. I know first hand she is not warm to him but is to his brother and he never understood why. I went over one night and he was drinking and had obviously been crying and told me he had gotten off the phone with her.

 

But even with all that I never felt he thought I was good enough. Then he ruined what would've been a good relationship for me with someone I was interested in. I had been told that he found out who the other man was and threatened him, but never confirmed it.

 

That's unfair! I am resentful of that still because I wanted to be with someone. I still want to be with someone. Really, I wanted to be with him

[anika99]

I feel like there is too much blah blah blah on this thread and not enough stark truth.

 

 

We should not even be entertaining the idea that this abuser will even remotely change, not even years down the road. Why? Because first of all he won't change and secondly if the OP is told there is even a 1% chance of this man changing and becoming a good father she will run with it and think "oh so that means he can change, if I just hang in there, if I just love him enough, If I just do everything the right way, then he will change"

 

 

Secondly this isn't just about the OP, it also concerns her baby, who deserves to be protected at all costs. There is no room for error when it comes to the well being of that innocent child.

 

 

OP I know all about the trauma of being emotionally attached to an abuser and how sick it is. I've been there and I can tell you it is a sickness, it's not love. He isn't capable of loving anyone and the love you think you have for him is more about codependence and low self esteem. You don't have the power to make anyone change. Your love is not so God almighty powerful that it will change an abuser into a fine loving man. Sorry ain't gonna happen. Not in this lifetime and not in the next. Go buy some books about abused women or even just visit some online sites regarding domestic abuse and you will soon see that there is nothing special or extraordinary about your situation.

 

 

Everyone pretty much tells the same story and says the same things. "oh he isn't all bad. He has another side that nobody sees. He is actually just wounded soul because of his crappy childhood. I will heal him with my never ending enduring love" blah blah blah... Almost all abusers show their victims that vulnerable hurt part of themselves because that's what keeps their victims hooked. Almost all abusers have another side that is charming, loving and fun. That's what hooks their victims in the first place. The man kicked your legs out from underneath you and threatened to slit your throat. That's all you or anybody else needs to know. Nobody cares why he acts that way, his lousy childhood doesn't give him a pass to abuse people as an adult. Nobody can fix him except for him and the chances of him doing that are practically nil. Accept that, get over it and get him out of your life.

 

 

The fact that he was this abusive to you when you never even lived with him or weren't even officially his gf, makes it even more horrifying because abuse escalates. The more serious the relationship, the more entwined the participants are in each others lives, the greater the abuse. Since he has assaulted you during the dating phase I can guarantee you it will only get at least 10 times worse if the relationship becomes more serious. This is your chance to escape this and you need to put your child first. If you don't have the good sense to protect yourself than at least think of your baby. I don't mean to sound harsh but you don't get to play with your child's life while you chase some romantic fantasy. The kid has to be your #1 priority 100% of the time NO EXCEPTIONS

[dreamingoftigers]

I know he isn't my dad. my point is I feel bad he never had that. I know his mom was very mean and unaffectionate that breaks my heart. I know first hand she is not warm to him but is to his brother and he never understood why. I went over one night and he was drinking and had obviously been crying and told me he had gotten off the phone with her.

 

But even with all that I never felt he thought I was good enough. Then he ruined what would've been a good relationship for me with someone I was interested in. I had been told that he found out who the other man was and threatened him, but never confirmed it.

 

That's unfair! I am resentful of that still because I wanted to be with someone. I still want to be with someone. Really, I wanted to be with him

 

I know that you know that.

 

Sorry. I am kind of going through the same thing. Although my Dad was a jerkface, he was still present a lot. And my husband isn't. And he isn't always pleasant when he is here.

 

I feel bad for my daughter not having the stable family setup that I had, regardless of the fact that it was not a great family to grow up in. I never felt concerned about my Dad leaving. I did feel that way about my Mom once. But overall, no.

 

My daughter though, wakes up wondering where her Dad is. Sometimes she cries. That isn't fair at all.

 

But it is still better than wondering at the edge of her bed if Dad is going to explode again tonight, like I did with my Dad. And my Mom would make excuses for him. I lived in constant anxiety and ended up believing other's choices and blowups were my fault when I got older.

 

To be frank, I often feel responsible for my husband not being present. Like I somehow failed to educate him that being present isn't an "optional" as a parent if you don't want your kid to suffer. Or that I made it "to tough." But it isn't "too tough" to make a phone call everyday or every other day to a five year old that loves you to pieces.

 

Your child would grow up feeling like it was their fault that Daddy blew up or threatened Mommy or them. Children really do internalize fault. They aren't going to blame their parents. It would be so painful for your child to think that they are supposed to be able to make their Dad happy and love them, when their Dad is just so fundamentally screwed up and not taking steps to change that.

 

I know that you really wanted it to work out. And you probably did everything that you could try to do to have it work out. And that you miss him. I am totally there.

 

The only thing that actually helped me was just a small quote from someone on here: "endings are sad, even when you know that they have to happen."

 

I know that you know he would be unsuitable in the long-term with his behaviour. You know it would be scary and would eventually consume everything. His desire to control so that he can feel secure in a "relationship" would just get worse and worse. That's how it happens with these guys. It's almost like an addiction in and of itself. Whatever behaviour is out of whack just gets more and more out of whack and they go further and further to get the desired response from you (supplication).

 

They are constantly in need of the reassurance that they didn't get in their childhoods, and it does not let up. Reassuring them with words and small gestures just does not work after a time. They need to break down their partner and control their freedom without committing to them emotionally or technically. It's the only way that they feel comfortable. They don't have to risk being close to you, while you orbit them.

 

People in deep pain, like emotional or chronic pain, seem to behave in a way that they can't see past their own pain and/or misery. So they "know" that they are hurting you, but it doesn't register on any real empathetic level, it doesn't trigger feelings of "hey I better not do that" it just triggers shame or guilt afterward. Often the abuser feels trapped and out of control. And they figure it is you causing it, when really it is their own insecurity or childhood trauma of being unloved that they are reliving.

 

It IS awful. But ironically, the only thing that you can LOVINGLY do, is leave. This shows an abuser that treating someone with contempt or neglect is not okay. It shows an example of self-love as well. It also shows the abuser that you respect their choices. You see, abusers may know the feelings of love but often it's that respect and consideration piece that is missing. But not tolerating their disrespect, you are showing that their choice to disrespect you comes with a consequence. You show them self-respect by leaving. They may not understand that at first. In fact, they may not understand that the first, second, or third time it happens. If we lived forever, then eventually an abuser would learn, "I disrespect, then I lose love, perhaps I will not act this way anymore. Perhaps when I treat others like they are garbage, I am treating myself like garbage."

[dreamingoftigers]

I feel like there is too much blah blah blah on this thread and not enough stark truth.

 

 

We should not even be entertaining the idea that this abuser will even remotely change, not even years down the road. Why? Because first of all he won't change and secondly if the OP is told there is even a 1% chance of this man changing and becoming a good father she will run with it and think "oh so that means he can change, if I just hang in there, if I just love him enough, If I just do everything the right way, then he will change"

 

 

Secondly this isn't just about the OP, it also concerns her baby, who deserves to be protected at all costs. There is no room for error when it comes to the well being of that innocent child.

 

 

OP I know all about the trauma of being emotionally attached to an abuser and how sick it is. I've been there and I can tell you it is a sickness, it's not love. He isn't capable of loving anyone and the love you think you have for him is more about codependence and low self esteem. You don't have the power to make anyone change. Your love is not so God almighty powerful that it will change an abuser into a fine loving man. Sorry ain't gonna happen. Not in this lifetime and not in the next. Go buy some books about abused women or even just visit some online sites regarding domestic abuse and you will soon see that there is nothing special or extraordinary about your situation.

 

 

Everyone pretty much tells the same story and says the same things. "oh he isn't all bad. He has another side that nobody sees. He is actually just wounded soul because of his crappy childhood. I will heal him with my never ending enduring love" blah blah blah... Almost all abusers show their victims that vulnerable hurt part of themselves because that's what keeps their victims hooked. Almost all abusers have another side that is charming, loving and fun. That's what hooks their victims in the first place. The man kicked your legs out from underneath you and threatened to slit your throat. That's all you or anybody else needs to know. Nobody cares why he acts that way, his lousy childhood doesn't give him a pass to abuse people as an adult. Nobody can fix him except for him and the chances of him doing that are practically nil. Accept that, get over it and get him out of your life.

 

 

The fact that he was this abusive to you when you never even lived with him or weren't even officially his gf, makes it even more horrifying because abuse escalates. The more serious the relationship, the more entwined the participants are in each others lives, the greater the abuse. Since he has assaulted you during the dating phase I can guarantee you it will only get at least 10 times worse if the relationship becomes more serious. This is your chance to escape this and you need to put your child first. If you don't have the good sense to protect yourself than at least think of your baby. I don't mean to sound harsh but you don't get to play with your child's life while you chase some romantic fantasy. The kid has to be your #1 priority 100% of the time NO EXCEPTIONS

 

Yeah, this really ^^^

 

I do understand your feelings, but yes, the fantasy does fuel this for you.

 

I came to a point myself where I realized that I was treating HIM like a hurt kid.

 

He's not a hurt kid. He was a hurt kid, and now he's a 37 year-old man who is hurting his kid by not being there for her. He isn't the victim anymore. At least not to us. He is the victimizer.

 

In your case, he is not your victim. You did not do anything truly, deeply hurtful that warranted his behaviour toward you. And he is projecting his messy childhood all over everyone close to him. And pitying himself in the process.

 

That doesn't mean he is "a horrid person" or whatever. But it means that he is going to hurt you and your child even with just his out-of-control moods and behaviours if you let him in your life in any way.

 

And right now, he is not the hurt kid. But if you let him be a Dad in any way, you will end up with a hurt kid.

 

It sounds like your Dad did not hurt you as a kid, so he is probably a much better male role-model for your child. Grandparents can make a huge difference to a little kid. My daughter is over the moon about her grandparents (who are much better grandparents then they ever were parents. They have had therapy and 17 years since I lived at home.)

[Tree lover]

Oh believe me, my son is my priority. I knew if I didn't leave he would kill me, or much worse cause me to lose my baby and I was not about to let that happen. I will not allow my son to be mistreated by his father. I just don't want him to be at a disadvantage by not having a daddy. I've given up my home (now not an issue as I am renting somewhere else), some of my possessions i.e. things I left at his house when I ran, my friends, my job that I had more pull at. For this baby because I knew if something happened to my baby it would be my fault. None of those things in the grand scheme are more important to me than my child. Personally, I am not entertaining the idea of being with this man because I know he will abuse this child or me and my son will think it is okay.

 

I refuse to let that happen.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh believe me, my son is my priority. I knew if I didn't leave he would kill me, or much worse cause me to lose my baby and I was not about to let that happen. I will not allow my son to be mistreated by his father. I just don't want him to be at a disadvantage by not having a daddy. I've given up my home (now not an issue as I am renting somewhere else), some of my possessions i.e. things I left at his house when I ran, my friends, my job that I had more pull at. For this baby because I knew if something happened to my baby it would be my fault. None of those things in the grand scheme are more important to me than my child. Personally, I am not entertaining the idea of being with this man because I know he will abuse this child or me and my son will think it is okay.

 

I refuse to let that happen.

 

Okay, good.

 

I think that there is a part of your mind that is floating back to the "what if" though, or else we wouldn't have this thread. Abusive relationships are actually addictive. It is very hard to break away from an abuser because of how hot and cold they go. It's like a random reward system and if there's one thing our brains get stuck on, it's random rewards.

 

Because really, if all of the above you know to be true in your mind and heart, then you know the answer to the question already:

 

Is it better to have a single Mom or an abusive father too?

 

By the way, I HATED my mother for years for not leaving my Dad after the way she saw he treated me. He was not physically abusive to her, nor did he call her names. They would argue a lot. She would stay up late at night trying to comfort him from his mood swings and empathize with his childhood. So many nights.

 

I HATED her more than him because, well, he was kind of an idiot. He did not have the sense or skill set to see the pain he was dishing out. He would just go mental.

 

But SHE KNEW HE WAS LIKE THIS and let it happen anyway and would just explain it away as him being "stressed" or "in pain" or whatever. She didn't want me to think it was "my fault." But I did feel like it was my fault for not understanding my Dad was stressed. And he was scary. Very scary. Bloody nose, hit repeatedly with leather gloves etc. Yet she stayed and let me have that happen to me. Everyone knew he was an idiot but no one protected me.

 

I never cover for my husband to my daughter. I never make excuses for him leaving. That's on him entirely. I will never post anything about the legality of what is occurring. But I am taking steps to stop her from going through this abandonment cycle over and over. Because it is not fair to her. She has asked me questions like "Is Daddy not around because he doesn't love me anymore?" And this weekend asked my mother, "will my parents leave me?" These are not fears a little kid should have to realize.

 

No kid should have to live in fear or abuse and/or abandonment.

 

You didn't fail here. You did not fail to "give your child a Dad." That part wasn't really up to you. You tried, you did your best. He is not giving his child a Dad because he wants to get violent instead. Regardless of how he sees that.

 

You are giving your child a very loving Mom.

 

If you (or any single Mom) were to stay or get with an abusive guy "for the sake of the kid(s)" then what ends up happening is that the child loses BOTH Mom and Dad because Dad's abuse consumes Mom too. It just does. It's just too big for two people to handle the level of idiocy that comes what that.

 

When my Mom stayed with my Dad and excused/negotiated his behaviour, I lost my Mom too. She focused on being HIS mom. Trying to sort out HIS issues. Trying to calm him down and make him feel secure. Constantly. That was when I was still developing and needed the attention of a parent the most.

 

Now my daughter is experiencing a similar thing, and I know just how much she needs Mom. I know that she misses Dad. But Mom needs to be Mom more than Mom needs to save/bring back Dad to preserve the "family structure."

 

Sorry, if this is really run-on. I just feel pretty passionate about little kids not being in abusive environments.

[turnera]

I just don't want him to be at a disadvantage by not having a daddy.

Then give him a good daddy by (1) getting therapy for yourself to figure out why you stayed with him and allowed him to treat you like that, (2) focusing on your child for the next year or two, (3) becoming set in your own security and comfort for your child, and then start looking for men to date. Get the therapy so you'll learn what not to accept and how to stop dating men who raise red flags. That way, you'll weed out the unacceptable potential new fathers for your son.

[Tree lover]

Honestly, I know why I dated him and why I stayed. I saw a very attractive, smart, funny man who was trapped in so much anger that I don't have and so I wanted to help him out of the darkness he is surrounded by... I thought that if I could help him get better that things would be okay. He would say things like when I was at his place he didn't need to drink and when I was gone, he did. Yes, I fell for that, but I didn't want him to drink as often as he was. I wanted him to not be consumed by his self hatred that I've been able to see since we met. That's why I stayed.

 

People just think he's quiet, but the man I know is lost and confused and doesn't say much because he doesn't feel like he means anything to anyone. He someone who just can't hold on to a relationship.

 

But I would much rather be away and have a happy and whole son than a repeat of his father.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly, I know why I dated him and why I stayed. I saw a very attractive, smart, funny man who was trapped in so much anger that I don't have and so I wanted to help him out of the darkness he is surrounded by... I thought that if I could help him get better that things would be okay. He would say things like when I was at his place he didn't need to drink and when I was gone, he did. Yes, I fell for that, but I didn't want him to drink as often as he was. I wanted him to not be consumed by his self hatred that I've been able to see since we met. That's why I stayed.

 

People just think he's quiet, but the man I know is lost and confused and doesn't say much because he doesn't feel like he means anything to anyone. He someone who just can't hold on to a relationship.

 

But I would much rather be away and have a happy and whole son than a repeat of his father.

 

Whatever people bring into a relationship stays there.

 

That is who they are.

 

If you get together with a drinker, then you will be with a drunk.

 

If you get together with an angry guy, you will have an angry guy.

 

Your presence doesn't "love the bad" out of them. It just doesn't.

 

When I met my husband, he quit drinking the week I met him. He stayed sober five years. He also had quite the masturbation thing. But whatever.

 

Anyhow, despite whatever temporary high a relationship give people, we all settle back down to Earth at some point.

 

Never think that you are going to get a better deal than what you meet someone on Day One with.

[melissacus]

Speaking from personal experience, when a husband/father is abusive, that leaves the mother.emotionally unavailable to properly care for the child. Therefore, they wind up accidentally neglecting the child, a form of emotional abuse. Also, you are having a boy, correct? Abusive fathers tend to raise sons who mimic their behavior and themselves often times become abusive. You are making the right choice by keeping the father out of your son's life as a prominent figure. You are breaking the.chain of abuse, be proud and confident in that choice. I grew up with an abusive father and an emotionally neglectful mother. I had little to no guidance. When there were traumatic occurrences, which there frequently were, I had no comfort or concern from either of my parents. My mother never came into my room asking if I was okay, letting me know I'm safe, asking if I'd like to talk about it. Because she was broken down, physically and mentally, and couldn't provide that to me. Luckily, I took the road less traveled and am now a very sympathetic, independent, smart, and determined young woman. Most importantly, I'm resilient. Because of my childhood.however, I also still have many scars and healing I have to do. You're being a good strong mother and doing the best for your son.