Is it better to have a single mom or an abusive father too?

[turnera]

Oh I know, and he makes everything worth it. He is my little fuzzball I've never seen a baby with so much hair! I was thinking about a nice card and a gift certificate for my neighbor.

 

I am going to really think about contacting who I think told him I was here. Not for myself, but for other girls.

You could just send an email or a card, if you have their address. "I don't know who told him, but I wanted to let you know that after I left Bob, somebody told him where I was. He found me and attacked me and tried to steal my baby, who was traumatized after watching him beat me almost to death. If the police hadn't shown up, I'd probably be dead. I'm only letting you know so that, if you see something like this happening again with Bob, you might be able to help the next woman avoid being beaten like me."

[lollipopspot]

You need to leave the area fast. This isn't safe for you or the child. He'll probably try again, now he's out of jail.

[Tree lover]

I'm not at my apartment. I'm somewhere else. My car is still there too. I'm planning on getting rid of it just in case. I think that was one mistake I made. I know that this friend comes up here on business and that must've been what happened. It's at least one conclusion I've come to. He must've seen me. I should have more details soon... I meet with a lawyer next week.

Edited July 4, 2015 by Tree lover

[Noproblem]

Your life will be much easier if you leave the state..

 

Trust me, bad people always win, fighting them will only drag the pain longer.

 

I am always pro escaping to a better life ( I did for different reasons)

 

Never stay!

 

It's not worth it.

 

Years will pass while you live in fear of that one day when he'll get a gun and kill you, then steel the baby

 

or worse, kill you then kill the baby, then himself.

 

It's not worth it!

 

Not your friends

not your old memories

not your beautiful state or the beautiful weather

not your fantastic job

not your parents

not anyone, when you or your baby are not well and unsafe!

 

Even if he got in jail, he'll go out after a year or two and he will hurt you..

 

Restraining order will do nothing..

 

You are dealing with a crazy person!

 

 

What I feel is that you still love him and deep down inside you don't want to leave the state because he is in this state as well

 

Kill the love inside of your heart for this man.

He is the one who might kill you one day if you let your guards down

 

There are amazing people, friends, guys out there

 

but you won't find them or see them if you stay..

 

I know I am scaring you, but you know he can do it if he gets angry enough!

 

 

By the way! Whether you decided to stay or to go to other place

 

It's time for you to man up, take some self defense courses, and get a gun!

 

You should be able to knock him down next time!

[Tree lover]

I'm no longer in love with him. Not after this, not in front of my son. I have no love for him. I know that my son won't remember the incident, but he was so afraid. He was shaking and his breathing was so stressed I thought that he was hurt. I will never forgive his father for making him feel that way. That's what makes it different from the other times he did this to me.

 

I don't want to move without my parents. I won't, I can't do this without them. If it weren't for them, maybe I would move, but I just can't.

 

I do know how to use a gun, but I don't have one personally. I grew up around them. My grandpa was a police officer and my dad owns them. I've never really been fond of them.

[turnera]

Whereever you end up, invest in a real security system. My husband is in the industry and they are life savers! You can program them to call 911 immediately, you can set them up so even a door can't be opened without your permission or 911 is called...it's worth the small investment.

[Noproblem]

I'm no longer in love with him. Not after this, not in front of my son. I have no love for him. I know that my son won't remember the incident, but he was so afraid. He was shaking and his breathing was so stressed I thought that he was hurt. I will never forgive his father for making him feel that way. That's what makes it different from the other times he did this to me.

 

I don't want to move without my parents. I won't, I can't do this without them. If it weren't for them, maybe I would move, but I just can't.

 

I do know how to use a gun, but I don't have one personally. I grew up around them. My grandpa was a police officer and my dad owns them. I've never really been fond of them.

 

I understand this

I have the same situation with my parents

I can't leave them!

 

But how about you convince them to move together. or something..

 

I don't know.. you know these cheap places in central america

 

it's a nice place to retire with the beach and everything.. and you can stay there for a year or two

I am sure you can even get a job there!

 

Even if you don't like guns, and I am liberal and all

but I do think they are necessary in some cases..

 

and regardless of the gun, you need to take self defense courses...

 

So, what the deal with your ex

 

I mean we all know he is crazy

but he was nice before

 

why he is crazy right now?

 

what really happened that ticked him off?

 

You said he changed after the condoms

 

did he think you cheated on him?

 

can't you talk with him in front of his family, your family, and lawyers and work this out in a friendly way..

 

I mean what does he really want?

 

 

 

Does he want to take the kid from you

does he want you back

 

what does he really want?

 

If you press charges against him

 

will he really go to jail?

 

you need to consider all your options

 

because if he gets in jail for only 1 or 2 years,

chances that he'll get out angrier and madder than before.

 

so you need to know how to approach this the right way..

 

 

Have you watched the documentary crazy love..my friend told me about it

 

This guy was in a relationship with a beautiful girl whom he loved for a while

the girl later discovered he was married

so she gets angry and breaks things off

 

she moves on with her life

he insists that she get back to him

but she never listens

she finds herself a nice guy and get engaged

 

he gets really angry, saying if I can't have her, no one can...

 

sent someone to spray acid on her face

 

the girl loses her eyes due to that crazy act..

 

Her loser finance leaves her because she is no good to him any more..

 

the girl become blind with no one to take care of her

 

after awhile, the same crazy guy managed to convince her to marry him as he will take care of her forever

and she agreed

and he took real good care of her until he died....He fed her, he bathed her, he cleaned the house, etc ..

 

 

and this is a true story that happened in USA

 

 

You simply can't fix crazy!

 

the trailer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B62xvVk9VEI\

you can watch it on netflix

Edited July 5, 2015 by Noproblem

[Tree lover]

He knew I went on dates with other men. I told him and never hid it. He didn't want to be my boyfriend so I was looking for someone who did. I don't know if he thought I was sleeping around. If he did he never said anything about it. I thought I'd made it clear he was my only sexual partner, he was the only guy I wanted to have sex with. Our friend group just labeled him as the one who didn't date much and when he did it wasn't for long. For some reason he just liked being alone, and I broke that wall down. I would tell him that I just wanted to come over and hold him in my arms and tell him I loved him and I did just that. It made him cry once. I just didn't want him to feel like no one loved him. I did.

 

I blame his mom for a lot of it. She was so mean to him growing up and she still is. She obviously prefers his brother over him. She was physically abusive to him growing up. She would smack him in the face when he was just little. I think it trained him to hate women. She was disrespect to him in front of me one night and so I made sure to hug him after she would insult him to let him know I didn't think those things about him. He always wants her approval. I was holding his hand on the way home and he said "you'll never know how hard it is for someone like me to be in love with someone like you." I just reached up and kissed him. That was after he started hitting me. I think he equates me to her for some stupid reason. It hurts my heart.

[Tree lover]

I sent my neighbor a card and a gift card to a nice store today. My card just said that I was grateful to her for saving us. I had a hard time finding the right words to say. I hope she knows just how much I appreciate her. Then, my mom called today and asked if I would consider moving back in. She said they would feel better if we were there. The whole basement would be ours, and I wouldn't have to pay as much money. I told her I'd think about it.

[turnera]

Might not be a bad idea for at least a couple months, to get your bearings and let you save up for a new place.

[Tree lover]

I think it might be good too. I've always gotten along with my parents. The only thing we've ever disagreed about was my relationship with him, and that's because he was hitting me. I can see why that was distressful for them now.

 

I never pictured myself as one of those people who would have to move back home, but if it'll keep my baby safe it's worth it. My parents both adore him, especially my dad. I love him too.

[Tree lover]

I met with my lawyer today. I just gave him my side of the story, and he said there's a good chance I'll win because our son was present and was distressed by our confrontation. It appears, he has a lawyer already as well. We should have his side of things soon, and that's what i really want to see.

[Noproblem]

He knew I went on dates with other men. I told him and never hid it. He didn't want to be my boyfriend so I was looking for someone who did. I don't know if he thought I was sleeping around. If he did he never said anything about it. I thought I'd made it clear he was my only sexual partner, he was the only guy I wanted to have sex with. Our friend group just labeled him as the one who didn't date much and when he did it wasn't for long. For some reason he just liked being alone, and I broke that wall down. I would tell him that I just wanted to come over and hold him in my arms and tell him I loved him and I did just that. It made him cry once. I just didn't want him to feel like no one loved him. I did.

 

I blame his mom for a lot of it. She was so mean to him growing up and she still is. She obviously prefers his brother over him. She was physically abusive to him growing up. She would smack him in the face when he was just little. I think it trained him to hate women. She was disrespect to him in front of me one night and so I made sure to hug him after she would insult him to let him know I didn't think those things about him. He always wants her approval. I was holding his hand on the way home and he said "you'll never know how hard it is for someone like me to be in love with someone like you." I just reached up and kissed him. That was after he started hitting me. I think he equates me to her for some stupid reason. It hurts my heart.

 

 

seeing different cultures and stuff

I thought I knew people and guys well enough

but just reading what they think in the forum or from other websites, I was amazed.

 

Guys are really different from us, they really think like us..

 

we might think he's a close friend for example, and he is so nice and helpful, and then you'd realize one day he fantasizes about you and wants to have sex with you meanwhile you imagined he is your little brother..

 

what I mean is

I realized that

some guys think if a girl is talking to other guy

or omg smiling to him, then there might be something between them.

They start imagining the worst

They tens to think she is sleeping with every guy she sleeps with or laugh with..

it's 2015, but there are not here yet!

 

Especially if these guys don't have much life experience and haven't seen the world, they'll have a one track mind..

 

that's why, it's always guys who kill for jealousy, and rarely girls

 

They think the worst and act on it.., and their hormones drive them most of the time.

 

Yes, he saw you dating other guys

and his mind kept on tainting his life

telling him the worst scenario

he started imagining you sleeping with that guy and the other, and the one after that.

 

his mind, is not nice, his mind already thinks he is not worth love

and seeing you with other guys proved it. So his mind started telling him horrible things and made him aggressive with you..

 

and usually I would say hey you brought it to yourself, he was such an amazing guy and you ruined what you have..

 

but in this case, I would say, hey trust me..

dating other guys was a good decision

 

because it showed you the demons that posses your ex boyfriend

 

his demons are always gonna be inside of him, it just needed an excuse to make him act like a crazy man and hit you.

 

His demons are not because of you ( you said it, because of his mother). They won't go away.. he probably will always be abusive, unless he goes to therapy and fixes himself which I doubt he'll ever do..

 

 

I think it would be best if you moved with your parents again

They know more about how to care of little babies, and also they always gonna protect you.. Their love and support is all you need right now, you can move after this ordeal is over.

Edited July 9, 2015 by Noproblem

[turnera]

There's a great show on tv called UnREAL about what it's like behind reality shows. Anyway, there was a woman contestant who was abused and left her husband after he broke their little girl's arm. The producers brought him to the show (for ratings) to apologize, without telling her. She was horrified to see him. Anyway, he had promised he came to apologize, he was so SWEET and 'misunderstood,' but as soon as he saw her, he turned into this monster, accusing her, blaming her, attacking the man she was on the show to date...

 

You can never trust men like that again. Remember that.

[Tree lover]

I mean I was in love with him, but I wanted to find someone, and I told him that. I just think that it was cruel of him to not be with me and freak out when I was with someone else. I mean make up your mind!

[turnera]

Tree lover, that's just what abusers do.

 

Stop trying to make sense of it.

[Tree lover]

I just want to call his mom and yell at her. I think that this is all her fault and I wish I could tell her that. I want to know why she treated him the way she did because I truly believe that's why he treated me the way he has. It makes me angry for my son. I know that wouldn't solve anything, but that's what I wish I could do.

[turnera]

Maybe in about 5 years, after you've truly moved on and there's nothing to be gained relationship-wise by doing it, she may listen. After she's spent X years wondering why she's out of her grandchild's life.

[Tree lover]

I wonder if he's even told them. She was nice to me, but so rude to him. I was blown away by her rude comments to him when we had gone over for his dad's birthday. Everything he said was wrong. She didn't have anything good to say to him, but when she talked to anyone else, she was very nice. He was just saying basic stuff. She even picked a fight with him over the weather.

 

It was so strange to me. My parents aren't like that, and I've never experienced anything like that. My parents tried to be nice to him. He just didn't want to get close to them, or me.

[lollipopspot]

I blame his mom for a lot of it.

 

I'm sure his mom is a really ****ty mom. I also have a really ****ty mom. It does contribute to dysfunction in your life, no question.

 

But at the point where someone starts abusing others, that's on the perpetrator. You're looking for reasons for why he's not fully at fault for his actions. But as an adult it was up to him to get help and learn to control himself, despite his poor upbringing.

 

I just reached up and kissed him. That was after he started hitting me.

 

You're an enabler. You really need to work on yourself so you don't end up in a situation like this again. You should never be in the situation again where you're kissing someone who's hitting you, especially now that you have a child.

 

Stay safe! This guy is dangerous.

[Tree lover]

So that it's clear the kissing and hitting weren't happening at the same time. I just thought I could help him. I've never been with anyone else like that and I don't ever want to be with someone like that again, or for my son to ever be put in a situation like that again either.

[lollipopspot]

So that it's clear the kissing and hitting weren't happening at the same time. I just thought I could help him. I've never been with anyone else like that and I don't ever want to be with someone like that again, or for my son to ever be put in a situation like that again either.

 

I understand it wasn't at the same time, but I mean after someone begins to hit you, and you kiss them, you are affirming the on-going cycle of abuse.

 

So it sounds like this was a lesson - at the moment you get abused, it's over.

[Noproblem]

I just saw this story and video and immediately thought about your story

,,

the woman is similar to you, and she has something important to say to all women who are slugging with the same problem..

 

you really need to to check this video ,,,She is gonna be a single mother too...

 

Her Boyfriend Hit Her, So She Posted THIS On Facebook, And Now It's Going Viral - GoingViralPosts

[Tree lover]

Well had I not put up with it, I wouldn't have my baby. Who is the most expressive two month old I've ever seen! Two months today I probably sound like a typical parent, but I think he's just so cute.

[empresario]

I sort of was seeing a good friend of mine for about a year. He is notoriously hard to get close to and I had always found him attractive. One night, we made out at a party and the next day we just met up and talked. We didn't sleep together for a few more weeks, but when we did it was great. For the first six months, I was on the pill, but then I got a blood clot and was told to stick to condoms. I made him aware of this the first day and he said it was okay with him and he was not against using condoms and still wanted to continue our relationship.

 

He started to get mean also around this time. He would throw tantrums and call me names over the dumbest reasons. One night, he shoved me into a wall because I was canceling our date to go out with another man. However, almost weekly he would say to me "you know I'm not your boyfriend, right?" Yes. I knew. So there was no reason to get mad if I went out with another man. One time when I was on a date he parked across the street from the restaurant and watched us, then called me later to talk about the other guy. He has also punched me and threw a coffee mug at me on other occasions.

 

I got pregnant eight months ago. It is his, and I told him and he was happy. He didn't want me to abort or give the baby up for adoption. I gave him both those options but I stated "I want this baby."

 

A month into the pregnancy, we got in another fight and he kicked my legs out from under me and said he was going to slit my throat if I tried to leave his house. After he went to sleep I ran and went to my parents' home an hour away and filled a restraining order. I don't keep in touch with my friends because I don't want him to find me. I'm back home now but I'm getting more worried about being a single mom as time goes on. I don't want my son to have to go without, but I don't want to share him with an abuser.

 

My question is, have I done the right thing? Is it better to have a single mom than have an abusive father in the picture as well?

 

I've never felt more qualified to speak on an issue in my life. I hope it's not too late to give input.

 

I am an abuse survivor. My father was a classic abuser. Feared inside his own family, but an honorable, loved man outside of it.

 

I'll keep this as succinct as possible...but here are a few scenarios from my youth.

 

1. The 'good father' façade

 

One thing he would do is make sure he coached all of my sports teams. When I would do bad he would come up and put his arm around me. Everyone thought he was being a good, caring father. What he was really saying was "you are pathetic. you embarrass me. do better. don't cry".

 

2. Fearing your father

 

Until my teens I thought it was normal to want to hide in the basement when your dad got home.

 

3. Learning to be a nice guy

 

Nice guy isn't a compliment in this sense. What I mean by this, is from early childhood I was taught to use covert contracts to get what I want. I felt if I was a good person or tried to make someone happy I would get what I needed to survive. It comes from having to do it as a baby when you literally depend on other people. This messed me up in almost every relationship I've ever had.

 

I could go on and on. He did hit me a few times, but I'd take that in a heartbeat to the psychological warfare I endured.

 

---------------

 

So why can I speak on this?

 

When I was 15, my dad died of cancer. It was the happiest day of my life to that point.

 

When he died, I had no self worth. I was on depression medication (started at age 12). I had a violent temper and had shown aggression towards others, especially females.

 

From 15 to 20 I started to change. I started getting calmer. I started becoming more intelligent. I started growing physically. The brain is powerful. Mine was messed up to the point that I was developing into a monster. Removing the influence started healing my mind, body, and soul.

 

By 22 I started becoming who I am today. I am successful. I am a great friend and lover. I like myself and who I am. I would not have told you that 10 years ago (28 now).

 

It was only by removing the influence...changing my perception of normal that I was able to do that. Now, I've lost other things I should have learned by not having a male figure in my daily life. But that's an exchange I'll gladly do.

 

Bringing it back around...let's look at my sister. She was by far, without a doubt, treated better than me. My mother even told me my father favored her. But here's the kicker. She is 3 years older than me. By the time she went to college my dad hadn't died, yet.

 

Her perception on what a man should be is based off of my father, even if he was nicer to her (although still a prick).

 

So where is she now? She is a single mother. The men she choses are abusive and broken. She can't save money nor can she commit to anything. She was a state tennis champion but fluttered out in college because she had no work ethic.

 

She is violent and constantly depressed. She is always looking for a quick fix.

 

This is who I could have been. This is who I almost was. This isn't what your kid needs to be.

 

No father is better than turning into a bad father.

 

I wrote this fast, hopefully it came together.