Is it better to have a single mom or an abusive father too?

[Tree lover]

So he basically told his attorney that he'd been drinking a lot that morning when he attacked me and "wasn't in the right frame of mind." Uh huh. I guess his drinking personality has really changed... Whatever!

And the friend I thought gave me away, did. I am beyond hurt.

 

I am going to move in with my parents though. I think it would keep us safer than if we were somewhere else.

[turnera]

Good choice, Tree lover. Let your family help you build your strength back up so you can be the best mom out there.

 

Stop trying to analyze him or listen to his justifications. You know an abuser will never accept blame. They just can't. So just move on.

 

And consider letting your 'friend' know why you can never have a relationship with him/her again.

[Tree lover]

I'm not trying to justify the attack. If anything I think it's a lie and it disgusts me. I mean I know he has a drinking problem but it isn't an excuse. He knew what he was doing.

[Noproblem]

I've never felt more qualified to speak on an issue in my life. I hope it's not too late to give input.

 

I am an abuse survivor. My father was a classic abuser. Feared inside his own family, but an honorable, loved man outside of it.

 

I'll keep this as succinct as possible...but here are a few scenarios from my youth.

 

1. The 'good father' façade

 

One thing he would do is make sure he coached all of my sports teams. When I would do bad he would come up and put his arm around me. Everyone thought he was being a good, caring father. What he was really saying was "you are pathetic. you embarrass me. do better. don't cry".

 

2. Fearing your father

 

Until my teens I thought it was normal to want to hide in the basement when your dad got home.

 

3. Learning to be a nice guy

 

Nice guy isn't a compliment in this sense. What I mean by this, is from early childhood I was taught to use covert contracts to get what I want. I felt if I was a good person or tried to make someone happy I would get what I needed to survive. It comes from having to do it as a baby when you literally depend on other people. This messed me up in almost every relationship I've ever had.

 

I could go on and on. He did hit me a few times, but I'd take that in a heartbeat to the psychological warfare I endured.

 

---------------

 

So why can I speak on this?

 

When I was 15, my dad died of cancer. It was the happiest day of my life to that point.

 

When he died, I had no self worth. I was on depression medication (started at age 12). I had a violent temper and had shown aggression towards others, especially females.

 

From 15 to 20 I started to change. I started getting calmer. I started becoming more intelligent. I started growing physically. The brain is powerful. Mine was messed up to the point that I was developing into a monster. Removing the influence started healing my mind, body, and soul.

 

By 22 I started becoming who I am today. I am successful. I am a great friend and lover. I like myself and who I am. I would not have told you that 10 years ago (28 now).

 

It was only by removing the influence...changing my perception of normal that I was able to do that. Now, I've lost other things I should have learned by not having a male figure in my daily life. But that's an exchange I'll gladly do.

 

Bringing it back around...let's look at my sister. She was by far, without a doubt, treated better than me. My mother even told me my father favored her. But here's the kicker. She is 3 years older than me. By the time she went to college my dad hadn't died, yet.

 

Her perception on what a man should be is based off of my father, even if he was nicer to her (although still a prick).

 

So where is she now? She is a single mother. The men she choses are abusive and broken. She can't save money nor can she commit to anything. She was a state tennis champion but fluttered out in college because she had no work ethic.

 

She is violent and constantly depressed. She is always looking for a quick fix.

 

This is who I could have been. This is who I almost was. This isn't what your kid needs to be.

 

No father is better than turning into a bad father.

 

I wrote this fast, hopefully it came together.

 

Thank you for sharing your story,

I am glad you survived and changed your life around

[empresario]

Thank you for sharing your story,

I am glad you survived and changed your life around

 

We are a sum of our experiences. And I attribute having to persevere as a main reason I'm successful today. It makes for a cooler story, at least. But that doesn't mean everyone should have to go through 15 years of abuse to learn resilience. Good parenting can teach the same lessons more effectively .

[Tree lover]

I've never felt more qualified to speak on an issue in my life. I hope it's not too late to give input.

 

I am an abuse survivor. My father was a classic abuser. Feared inside his own family, but an honorable, loved man outside of it.

 

I'll keep this as succinct as possible...but here are a few scenarios from my youth.

 

1. The 'good father' façade

 

One thing he would do is make sure he coached all of my sports teams. When I would do bad he would come up and put his arm around me. Everyone thought he was being a good, caring father. What he was really saying was "you are pathetic. you embarrass me. do better. don't cry".

 

2. Fearing your father

 

Until my teens I thought it was normal to want to hide in the basement when your dad got home.

 

3. Learning to be a nice guy

 

Nice guy isn't a compliment in this sense. What I mean by this, is from early childhood I was taught to use covert contracts to get what I want. I felt if I was a good person or tried to make someone happy I would get what I needed to survive. It comes from having to do it as a baby when you literally depend on other people. This messed me up in almost every relationship I've ever had.

 

I could go on and on. He did hit me a few times, but I'd take that in a heartbeat to the psychological warfare I endured.

 

---------------

 

So why can I speak on this?

 

When I was 15, my dad died of cancer. It was the happiest day of my life to that point.

 

When he died, I had no self worth. I was on depression medication (started at age 12). I had a violent temper and had shown aggression towards others, especially females.

 

From 15 to 20 I started to change. I started getting calmer. I started becoming more intelligent. I started growing physically. The brain is powerful. Mine was messed up to the point that I was developing into a monster. Removing the influence started healing my mind, body, and soul.

 

By 22 I started becoming who I am today. I am successful. I am a great friend and lover. I like myself and who I am. I would not have told you that 10 years ago (28 now).

 

It was only by removing the influence...changing my perception of normal that I was able to do that. Now, I've lost other things I should have learned by not having a male figure in my daily life. But that's an exchange I'll gladly do.

 

Bringing it back around...let's look at my sister. She was by far, without a doubt, treated better than me. My mother even told me my father favored her. But here's the kicker. She is 3 years older than me. By the time she went to college my dad hadn't died, yet.

 

Her perception on what a man should be is based off of my father, even if he was nicer to her (although still a prick).

 

So where is she now? She is a single mother. The men she choses are abusive and broken. She can't save money nor can she commit to anything. She was a state tennis champion but fluttered out in college because she had no work ethic.

 

She is violent and constantly depressed. She is always looking for a quick fix.

 

This is who I could have been. This is who I almost was. This isn't what your kid needs to be.

 

No father is better than turning into a bad father.

 

I wrote this fast, hopefully it came together.

 

Thank you for sharing this. I just don't want him to end up hating me or having emotional issues down the road because I don't want his father in our lives. I want him to have a great childhood and I am just worried about ruining it for him.

[turnera]

He won't, as long as you tell him the good qualities you can think of as well as the reason why you couldn't be together (so he doesn't fantasize about his dad). Kids are flexible. They'll handle whatever you tell them.

[Tree lover]

Yesterday, we moved in with my parents. I think it's the first time I've actually gotten a good night's sleep in almost a year! I always would wake up afraid every time I heard a noise outside. Now I think my baby and I might be safer and even though I'm upset over having to move back in, that's what counts.

[Tree lover]

He's asked to meet with me, face to face. Of course with our lawyers and parents. He's saying it's to apologize for hurting us. I'm unsure if I really want to do that yet. I'm still recovering from my injuries, and my hurt feelings... I want to just yell at him though I'm so mad!

[Noproblem]

He's asked to meet with me, face to face. Of course with our lawyers and parents. He's saying it's to apologize for hurting us. I'm unsure if I really want to do that yet. I'm still recovering from my injuries, and my hurt feelings... I want to just yell at him though I'm so mad!

 

I am glad he is taking some steps to be better, I don't know if it's true or not..

 

You can find out by meeting with him along with your family and your lawyers..

 

It's better this than having to be afraid all the time..

 

Try to have a civil and distant relationship with him..

 

 

at the meeting .. You will see if he means it or not..

 

in any case, don't trust him even if he tried to change, always keep a distant and civil relationship with him and don't you ever be alone with him...

[lollipopspot]

He's asked to meet with me, face to face. Of course with our lawyers and parents. He's saying it's to apologize for hurting us. I'm unsure if I really want to do that yet. I'm still recovering from my injuries, and my hurt feelings... I want to just yell at him though I'm so mad!

 

I would say no. He's trying to act nice publicly in order to get back in your lives, and probably get some kind of joint custody. This may be his lawyer's plan. It's going to take a LOT more than an apology for him to change. He's very, very dangerous.

[Tree lover]

I would say no. He's trying to act nice publicly in order to get back in your lives, and probably get some kind of joint custody. This may be his lawyer's plan. It's going to take a LOT more than an apology for him to change. He's very, very dangerous.

 

This is exactly how I feel. Although I am curious as to what he has to say and I would like to tell him had he approached me respectfully and calmly he could've come in. He could've held his son and taken a nap with us. Had he not hurt me. He ruined it himself.

[Noproblem]

I would say no. He's trying to act nice publicly in order to get back in your lives, and probably get some kind of joint custody. This may be his lawyer's plan. It's going to take a LOT more than an apology for him to change. He's very, very dangerous.

 

it's weird I woke up this morning and the first thing I though about is your reply (Kinda pathetic that I think about the forum instead of my own life)

 

Anyway I thought that but if she refused and for example he got in jail for a year or so

he'll get outside angrier and crazier and since op does not want to leave the city.. He might find her and hurt her..

 

Of course joint custody is out of the question, but they can work out something more civil and peaceful.

 

Like he can see the baby every two weeks with supervision, something like that......

[Tree lover]

I'm just thinking over my pros and cons of meeting with my son's father. So far, my pros are selfish jabs I could make at him. I'm thinking about what first caused me to leave. I was at his house and he started hurling insults at me. I was ugly, stupid, and he couldn't figure out why other men wanted to go out with me. I hadn't seen anyone else for weeks because I wanted him and we knew I was pregnant. I asked him why he cared, because he made it clear I was not his girlfriend! I told him that I am a nice, attractive, and educated woman and I didn't need to stay there for his insults and was leaving. That's when he kicked my legs out and said if I left he'd slit my throat. So I stayed until he fell asleep and then ran.

 

I want to tell him that if he hadn't done that he would've been around. It is his actions that pushed me away from him! It's his fault he hasn't held his own baby yet, not mine. That's what I would say to him at this meeting and I wouldn't accept his apology.

Edited September 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tree lover]

I have to give my lawyer an answer tomorrow and I think that it's yes. I want to see him, I want to hear what he has to say. I also want to tell him a few things and I want him to know why he hasn't seen his son. But, I'm just not sure...

 

I just wanted it to work so badly.

[turnera]

Abusers don't change.

[Tree lover]

Abusers don't change.

 

This is not about reconciliation. At least it isn't for me. Not after he traumatized my sweet little baby, who hasn't done anything to anyone. This is about me telling him off face to face. I'm not expecting him to be a changed man, but I am expecting and hoping to hurt his feelings. At least a little bit. I want to tell him to his face he frightened his brand new baby boy because he is incapable of self control.

[anika99]

I don't understand these posts about meeting with him to hear him out or building a civil relationship with. He has already proven beyond a doubt that he cannot be civil. He is a scary motherfu@ker and there should be a restraining order on him. He should never be allowed anywhere in your presence ever again.

[Tree lover]

I had a nightmare about him. He was beating me to death and the baby was crying for me, but I couldn't get to him. It scared me too much so I've decided not to meet with him. If he wants to say something to me, he can write me a letter. we don't need to meet in person.

 

I'd rather stay home with my baby anyway.

[Noproblem]

I don't understand these posts about meeting with him to hear him out or building a civil relationship with. He has already proven beyond a doubt that he cannot be civil. He is a scary motherfu@ker and there should be a restraining order on him. He should never be allowed anywhere in your presence ever again.

 

will restraining order really stop him?

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-act-violence/201207/do-domestic-violence-restraining-orders-ever-really-work

Edited August 1, 2015 by Noproblem

[Tree lover]

He sent a letter to my attorney. It basically said he was very sorry and he had no idea how bad he'd hurt me until the next day. He said he'd been drinking and was upset that I'd had the baby without telling him. He tried getting the baby out because he wanted to hold him. He's asked for pictures of our son to show his family. He said that he knows that there's something wrong with him and he needs to get help.

 

I'm very upset and I don't know how much I believe. I am also not sure he deserves pictures of the baby. I have been crying about it for days and I feel like I am responsible for everything my son went through that day. It makes me so sad.

[Tree lover]

The friend that told him where I was ended up calling me yesterday. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was but I was curious as to why he sold me out. He said that my son's father told him he was worried about me and just wanted to make sure we were okay and he was scared. Hearing this he told this man where he had seen me, close to where we were living at the time. He said he had no idea that he was going to hurt me and was very sorry after he had gotten the news of what had happened.

 

It was a difficult conversation to say the least. We talked for about an hour or so

[bathtub-row]

He sent a letter to my attorney. It basically said he was very sorry and he had no idea how bad he'd hurt me until the next day. He said he'd been drinking and was upset that I'd had the baby without telling him. He tried getting the baby out because he wanted to hold him. He's asked for pictures of our son to show his family. He said that he knows that there's something wrong with him and he needs to get help.

 

I'm very upset and I don't know how much I believe. I am also not sure he deserves pictures of the baby. I have been crying about it for days and I feel like I am responsible for everything my son went through that day. It makes me so sad.

 

These men are consummate actors and they LOVE to play on people's emotions. Please do yourself a huge favor and buy this book: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It is absolutely the best book around to explain the whys of what abusers are thinking and doing. Then you'll stop feeling sorry for this jackass. You will also never feel sympathetic about anything he says to you ever again because you'll understand how twisted his mind is.

 

From one single mom to another, it is very, very possible to raise a well-balanced child on your own. Please don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

Best wishes to you and your little baby.

[Tree lover]

I've bought a few books on abuse, but not the one you suggested. I'll have to get it. I don't feel sorry for him, or love him anymore. I just wish I had been more careful the day he attacked us, but I guess I had no way of knowing he was out there. I wouldn't be as mad as I am had he just done it to me either, but our baby boy was there, and I will not be hit in front of my child whether he remembers it or not or allow him to be put in situations where he is that frightened. That's what I feel the worst about.

 

He's such a sweet little baby

[bathtub-row]

I've bought a few books on abuse, but not the one you suggested. I'll have to get it. I don't feel sorry for him, or love him anymore. I just wish I had been more careful the day he attacked us, but I guess I had no way of knowing he was out there. I wouldn't be as mad as I am had he just done it to me either, but our baby boy was there, and I will not be hit in front of my child whether he remembers it or not or allow him to be put in situations where he is that frightened. That's what I feel the worst about.

 

He's such a sweet little baby

 

The book is great. It's written by a psychologist who worked with men who were court ordered to see him. He saw literally thousands of abusers and noticed that a pattern emerged; they all had things in common.

 

Men are complete idiots to go after a woman's child. It will bring out the lioness in us. The one thing I would say, though, is that you should be just as angry that he went after you. As a single mom, it is imperative that you become strong and be self-protective. People will often see you as a target and you must not let you or your son get taken advantage of. And please do not ever stay with a man who is in any way jealous or competitive with your son. Make a promise to yourself that you will only bring a healthy, balanced man into you and your son's life, or no one at all. You are the shield between your son and the rest of the world.

 

I'm proud of myself for extracting my abusive ex from my life and my son's life as quickly as I did. However, I saw the red flags sooner - he was distant toward my son, etc - and I should've known not to invite such a person into my life. I hope you will always remain cautious in those situations and never, ever make excuses for a man's bad or questionable behavior.

 

The thing I often thought about was, what would my son say to me when he was, say, 30 years old? Would he ask me why I let an abuser steal his childhood away, or would he tell me he was grateful for the life I gave him? That brought me to my senses. My son will be 25 years old soon. He is balanced and happy, getting an engineering degree. Throughout school, when he was young, teachers always told me that they couldn't believe he had divorced parents. It was years before I understood the value in what they were telling me. Today, my son and I are very close and always will be. We talk and visit often. I am his friend but was always a parent first, giving him the guidance he needed.

Edited August 20, 2015 by bathtub-row