Author Tree lover Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 We have court tomorrow. My understanding is that he'll be there. I'm beyond nervous. I don't want to see him, but at least the baby will be home safe with my mom. That way if he comes at me our son won't be there. I just feel like I've really messed up. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 We have court tomorrow. My understanding is that he'll be there. I'm beyond nervous. I don't want to see him, but at least the baby will be home safe with my mom. That way if he comes at me our son won't be there. I just feel like I've really messed up. Yep. You did mess up. But you can't unwind the clock and it's very foolish and unproductive to continue to beat yourself up. As Oprah always says, when you know better, you do better. So, dust yourself off and do better. You're in a new chapter of your life and being a strong mom is your first priority. Feeling sorry for yourself and becoming weak is the last place you should go. Walk into that courtroom and show them by your attitude that you're the sound-minded, stable person in your son's life. Do not let this nut case throw you for a loop. If you do, he wins. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Messed up how? By trusting a man? That's not your fault. And you did exactly the right thing by leaving him, so be proud of yourself, ok? You'll be fine. Bullies and abusers are great at intimidating when you're alone with them, not so much when other people are around, especially people in authority. Just make sure you have either an escort to your car or someone to come to court with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) Well court was terrible. He told the judge I was a liar, argued with her over the protective order and called me a f'ing whore in the hallway. His attorney even told him to shut up at one point. Our attorneys went into the judges chambers and from what I hear, that's usually not a good sign. We also have to do a paternity test, which Is a bit insulting. I tried to not show any emotion because I knew he'd say something mean about it. On the way home I told my dad that even though I was seeing other guys he was my only sexual partner and that was also an embarrassing conversation. He wouldn't even look at me when we got back. Edited September 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 When you were growing up, was your dad abusive? Controlling? Angry? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 When you were growing up, was your dad abusive? Controlling? Angry? Never. My dad has always been a kind, loving person. Nothing at all like this man, in fact, no one I'd ever dated before was like this either. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Then why couldn't he look at you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Then why couldn't he look at you? Honestly, I think it's because we weren't married. My parents are Christian, and I think that the fact a man who wasn't even my boyfriend got me pregnant is hard for them. When the judge ordered a paternity test everything changed. It was like he was thinking maybe I don't know who the father is, but I do. There's no possible way he is someone else's son. For me though, he was my boyfriend. Maybe not officially, but I was faithful. I kissed some other guys goodnight, but that was it. Other guys knew he was in my life. I made it clear that he was who I wanted. He just didn't want me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Don't let anyone play these head games with you, and get you down. Heck, wouldn't it be awesome if that jerk wasn't your son's dad! Let your parents know that the paternity thing was probably instigated by your ex to cause problems and to delay things. You might also let them know that you really don't need their judgment right now. Instead, you need their support and the court also needs to see their support. If they get any indication that your family doesn't support you, let them know that they're risking losing their grandson. Maybe that'll get them out of their judgment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Ugh. Wanna know why I'm not a Christian any more? Because in my experience - especially in the US with the current conservative Christian bent to the Republican party, who feel it's their duty to tell us what we should do and be - Christian = arrogance and self-righteousness. Basically, what your dad did. You are clearly a good person, but on the back of his Christian-invoked self-righteousness, your dad felt entitled to judge you. Ignore him. You know you're a good person. Some day you'll be able to be on your own without your parents' help and you'll start to be able to live your life without that judgment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 My parents have kind of gotten better about the test thing. I think they get it's something he's trying to pull to make things harder on me. What I don't understand is he's also trying to lay out custody plans too. Why try to talk about custody if you want to establish paternity? T just shows to me he knows it's his son. I'm trying to keep him at as much of a distance ad possible. I don't want my sweet little boy to get hurt or to get used as a tool to hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 (edited) This guy is crazy really there is no point in living in the same city near him he will literally ruin your life and happiness I know I keep on asking you to leave the city, but that is because i know that this guy is crazy... and I want you to live a happy and peaceful life without him do you see what he is doing he didn't even got inside the jail and don't think for a second just because you are in the USA that the court will side with you and give you your rights// here, is like every where else, the power is with the person who have no qualms about doing anything wrong..... and apparently he got himself the right kind of lawyer that suits him well someone like "Sal from breaking bad" Your lawyer is too good to get you out of this mess you need a better lawyer.. Edited September 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
GypsyGirl966 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I consider myself somewhat well-versed in domestic abuse. My father was horribly abusive: mentally, emotionally, physically. I went on to marry an abusive man who I divorced 25 years ago. I then spend much of those past 25 years in therapy, learning about and understanding domestic abuse, working as an advocate for survivors of domestic abuse, etc. My $.02 on my childhood. If my mom had left my dad and taken us with her, then I would have ended up with an abusive stepdad. My mom herself was abused by her father, so husbands and fathers who abuse is normal to her, that's just the way it is in her world. My parents have been married 51 years, and my dad still hits my mom and my mom still covers it up for him. I understand her psychological make-up, and I understand she did the best she could within her personal abilities. Now, if my parents had divorced and my dad had custody, that would have been my worst nightmare. I would have rather had my mom and an abusive stepdad than my abusive dad, even if he remarried. My mom almost always stepped in and took beatings for us as kids, she did what she could, in her limited psychological ability, to protect us. It is what it is, and it is a lifetime of recovery. In the end, I was probably better off with my mom staying married to my abusive dad. The interesting part is that when my dad found out my first husband was hitting me, my dad about went out of his mind and gave me this big lecture on how I deserved better. In other words, "don't marry someone like me, daughter." So, my dad understood his behavior was wrong as well. The last time anyone has hit me was 1989. However, there are many other forms of abuse, and I've gotten very good at spotting them. In fact, I have been dating a man who was convicted of domestic assault 15 years ago. We discussed it extensively, as well as his counseling and treatment to learn how to stop. He has told me several times that he will never hit anyone again, and I do believe him. However, as of yesterday, I will not be seeing him anymore. A week ago Friday we had a lovely day together. It was wonderful in every way and I could feel myself falling for him and it must have been obvious to him because he has given me the silent treatment for the past week. I contacted him yesterday to let him know that, whatever I had done to get the silent treatment, it would have been nice if we could have had some minimal conversation about it. He responded that he wants a serious relationship and I don't, so he sees no point in continuing on with me. Here is how that translates: he watched me closely and waited until he thought I was hooked and then he gave me an ultimatum. I passed. These type of people (women can have abusive power and control issues too) often simply adapt and find new tools. I am an eternal optimist, and still willing to believe that people can and do change, which is why I gave this guy a chance. This poor fellow who I described above has changed for the better, but he has a long way to go yet. I'm much further down the path of recovering from domestic abuse than him. That's just it. Everyone involved in domestic abuse, the abuser and the abused, will spend a lifetime recovering from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Hi, OP. Being what is called an ACOA (Adult child of an alcoholic) who has an emotionally absent and abusive father (also financially abusive) I can tell you that abuse does take a toll on you. Your views on relationships get really screwed up, among other things. It is better to have a single mom. But... That's only my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 I have one of the top lawyers in our state. Sadly, he has one too. I won't spare the expense to keep him away. It is worth every penny. He is about an hour from me. I won't leave my parents... Who can't leave because they don't want to leave my 85 year old grandma. She won't leave her house, and so they stay. I can't do this alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 He's asked for pictures of the baby. So he can show people his son excuse me? I thought we were fighting over paternity this week. I don't think he knows what he wants, and I don't want to give him pictures. He doesn't deserve them! A man that deserves pictures wouldn't have scared his baby like he did! I'm so mad. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Ignore him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 Well the test results are back. Imagine my surprise when they said it IS HIS SON. Wow, I'm so glad we had to go through that. Now we have to go back to court. I am going to fight to keep him away from the baby. I just have a bad feeling about it. I don't think he would hurt the baby, but I know he'll probably kill me if he gets the chance... I think that's the first time I've admitted it. It makes me question what needs to happen before he'll go to jail. That frightens me. My dad had a security system installed. Whenever a door, window, or the garage open it let's us know. There's also an alarm that goes off when a car comes in the driveway. I feel embarrassed that this is what it's come to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Good luck. I have to admit I was afraid to read, thinking he'd talked you into going back. You rock! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted September 24, 2015 Author Share Posted September 24, 2015 Oh no. We are over. not after he attacked me like that in front of our son. Our son was so upset and I felt so bad. I still am having nightmares about it. I was afraid he was hurt. If I go back and that happens again it will truly be all my fault. So no we aren't together... I'm trying to hold it together for my son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 I got informed that he's going to therapy. It gives me conflicting emotions on one hand, I'm happy about it because I hope he gets his issues worked out. When he wasn't abusive we had great times together. I don't him to be filled with hate anymore. On the other hand, I'm afraid it won't change him and it'll just make it easier for him to get close to us only to hurt me. We start up the custody hearings in a week or so and I've never been more afraid for my son's safety. I just don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I consider myself somewhat well-versed in domestic abuse. My father was horribly abusive: mentally, emotionally, physically. I went on to marry an abusive man who I divorced 25 years ago. I then spend much of those past 25 years in therapy, learning about and understanding domestic abuse, working as an advocate for survivors of domestic abuse, etc. My $.02 on my childhood. If my mom had left my dad and taken us with her, then I would have ended up with an abusive stepdad. My mom herself was abused by her father, so husbands and fathers who abuse is normal to her, that's just the way it is in her world. My parents have been married 51 years, and my dad still hits my mom and my mom still covers it up for him. I understand her psychological make-up, and I understand she did the best she could within her personal abilities. Now, if my parents had divorced and my dad had custody, that would have been my worst nightmare. I would have rather had my mom and an abusive stepdad than my abusive dad, even if he remarried. My mom almost always stepped in and took beatings for us as kids, she did what she could, in her limited psychological ability, to protect us. It is what it is, and it is a lifetime of recovery. In the end, I was probably better off with my mom staying married to my abusive dad. The interesting part is that when my dad found out my first husband was hitting me, my dad about went out of his mind and gave me this big lecture on how I deserved better. In other words, "don't marry someone like me, daughter." So, my dad understood his behavior was wrong as well. The last time anyone has hit me was 1989. However, there are many other forms of abuse, and I've gotten very good at spotting them. In fact, I have been dating a man who was convicted of domestic assault 15 years ago. We discussed it extensively, as well as his counseling and treatment to learn how to stop. He has told me several times that he will never hit anyone again, and I do believe him. However, as of yesterday, I will not be seeing him anymore. A week ago Friday we had a lovely day together. It was wonderful in every way and I could feel myself falling for him and it must have been obvious to him because he has given me the silent treatment for the past week. I contacted him yesterday to let him know that, whatever I had done to get the silent treatment, it would have been nice if we could have had some minimal conversation about it. He responded that he wants a serious relationship and I don't, so he sees no point in continuing on with me. Here is how that translates: he watched me closely and waited until he thought I was hooked and then he gave me an ultimatum. I passed. These type of people (women can have abusive power and control issues too) often simply adapt and find new tools. I am an eternal optimist, and still willing to believe that people can and do change, which is why I gave this guy a chance. This poor fellow who I described above has changed for the better, but he has a long way to go yet. I'm much further down the path of recovering from domestic abuse than him. That's just it. Everyone involved in domestic abuse, the abuser and the abused, will spend a lifetime recovering from it. First mistake - letting this guy into your life after you found out he had an abusive past. For me, there is no more giving chances. Once I have that information about abuse, it's game over. You know how these people operate. Once they get you to live with them or marry them, their true colors come out. You're a smart, smart lady for bolting the minute you saw the signs. Don't look back or second-guess yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I got informed that he's going to therapy. We start up the custody hearings in a week How convenient. Somebody told him to sign up for it so that it looks like he's remorseful, so he doesn't get creamed in court. I bet you $50 as soon as the court hearings are done with he never goes to another therapy session. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I got informed that he's going to therapy. It gives me conflicting emotions on one hand, I'm happy about it because I hope he gets his issues worked out. When he wasn't abusive we had great times together. I don't him to be filled with hate anymore. On the other hand, I'm afraid it won't change him and it'll just make it easier for him to get close to us only to hurt me. We start up the custody hearings in a week or so and I've never been more afraid for my son's safety. I just don't know what to do. It doesn't matter what he's doing or who he's seeing. Everything he does is for show. And you should be afraid of anyone with this kind of temper and please do not make the mistake of underestimating him. He is absolutely capable of killing you or your son. I'm not saying that to scare you but I want you to understand that you can't ever let your guard down with him. He is completely incapable of change and no matter how often he tries to sell you the "I've changed" story, please don't believe it. Also, if I were you, I'd tell him that all communication with you needs to be through your attorney. Cut off all communication with him. This crap about wanting pictures is just another way to get your attention. Treat this guy like you would treat a violent stranger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 All of our correspondence is done through our attorneys at this point. I think the last thing he said to me without having counsel is "I'll end you right here." So I just don't see the point of speaking with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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