Chris516 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 What about a single dad, or an abusive mother? Or is that allowed to be considered? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 What about a single dad, or an abusive mother? Or is that allowed to be considered? How does that relate to the OP's situation at all? Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 So many posts going all the way back to April, I couldn't possibly read them all. I will say only one thing. As the son of a man who beat me and abused me, long long time ago when it didn't raise many eyebrows, i would rather have had no father at all. Okay, two things. I cried when he passed away, not because I loved him, but only because I didn't hate him anymore. I just wanted to say thank you for posting from the perspective of a child in similar situation, now grown. It's so helpful to hear from people who lived through what one's child might be facing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 Our meetings have been going okay. He snapped at me a little last week and so I gave him my "try me." look and he backed off. He said he took my advice and got a puppy. That's something I told him to do almost three years ago before we hooked up. I hope it helps him though... I have him a few pictures of the baby and he cried and said he wished he could kiss me. I told him that even if he could, I wouldn't let him because I don't need that in our lives. I have to protect my son. Then he cried some more and I felt really bad about it. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Abusers LOVE to play on your sympathies. Don't buy into it and don't feel bad for standing up for yourself. He is not who he pretends to be. You must never let yourself forget that. You did the right thing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted November 18, 2015 Author Share Posted November 18, 2015 Our meeting yesterday was going fine and then he said "you know being your boyfriend was one of the best times of my life." I freaked out. He was not my boyfriend he told me he wasn't my boyfriend. I begged him to be my boyfriend and he said he didn't want me. That was our last fight when he told me he was going to kill me. I don't understand why he would say that to me. I couldn't hold back after he said that. He makes my heart hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 .. My question is, have I done the right thing? Is it better to have a single mom than have an abusive father in the picture as well? Yes, you have done the right thing. Mom left dad when I was 12. It was the best thing she could have done for us kids. The abuse will escalate and one day it wont be just you being abused, it will be your child. I was happier with just my mom raising me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 The stress of a child in an abusive family is WAY more emotionally damaging than the effects of a broken family. A child witnessing a father abusing his mother is probably scarred for life and can very well end up with post traumatic stress disorder. Never stay with an abusive partner to keep the family intact. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Our meeting yesterday was going fine and then he said "you know being your boyfriend was one of the best times of my life." I freaked out. He was not my boyfriend he told me he wasn't my boyfriend. I begged him to be my boyfriend and he said he didn't want me. That was our last fight when he told me he was going to kill me. I don't understand why he would say that to me. I couldn't hold back after he said that. He makes my heart hurt. I hate to sound callous because I know you've gone through so much to get here. I don't think he was trying to hurt you by it. I do think he is trying to rebuild / start (whatever) a relationship with you. However, his behaviour is far too high-risk and you've conducted yourself well in extricating yourself from the situation. Why does he do this? I'm afraid the obvious answer isn't in some deeply thoigh-out motivation: its because he's really screwed-up. He says and does really screwed-up things because he's screwed-up. Is he trying to hurt you, marry you, make amends or have a casual encounter with you? Maybe. Who knows? He probably doesn't even know. He just goes with whatever impulsive feeling strikes him. Just like when he wasn't your boyfriend and got all possessive. Screwed-up. And sometimes screwed-up will hurt your heart. Until more often you recognize that he's coming at it and looking at the world through a totally cracked lens that he hasn't been able to or perhaps willing to replace yet. Please do not get overly engaged with this man. I don't just mean relationally. You already know that. I mean by taking things from him so hard. Seriously, he is not going to be able to see the full impact of things for a lot of years, and that's if he is actively working toward sanity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 I hate to sound callous because I know you've gone through so much to get here. I don't think he was trying to hurt you by it. I do think he is trying to rebuild / start (whatever) a relationship with you. However, his behaviour is far too high-risk and you've conducted yourself well in extricating yourself from the situation. Why does he do this? I'm afraid the obvious answer isn't in some deeply thoigh-out motivation: its because he's really screwed-up. He says and does really screwed-up things because he's screwed-up. Is he trying to hurt you, marry you, make amends or have a casual encounter with you? Maybe. Who knows? He probably doesn't even know. He just goes with whatever impulsive feeling strikes him. Just like when he wasn't your boyfriend and got all possessive. Screwed-up. And sometimes screwed-up will hurt your heart. Until more often you recognize that he's coming at it and looking at the world through a totally cracked lens that he hasn't been able to or perhaps willing to replace yet. Please do not get overly engaged with this man. I don't just mean relationally. You already know that. I mean by taking things from him so hard. Seriously, he is not going to be able to see the full impact of things for a lot of years, and that's if he is actively working toward sanity. Well said DOT! Been following this thread for a while. Just keep checking in to see how Treelover is doing and if she's remaining strong. This guy and cracked lense yes ... he uses his own brand of insane manipulation to take advantage of TL ... it's now "try" to take advantage of TL ... seems she's staying strong with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 The stress of a child in an abusive family is WAY more emotionally damaging than the effects of a broken family. A child witnessing a father abusing his mother is probably scarred for life and can very well end up with post traumatic stress disorder. Never stay with an abusive partner to keep the family intact. This is true. In my late 30s dealing with PTSD from seeing mom dragged by her hair down the hall before the age of 10 has screwed me up in many areas of life. I cannot stress how much therapy and years it takes to gain some normalcy in life after all this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I hope you'll get to the point where you no longer feel the need to talk to this jerk or to wonder at all about his thought process. Any man who threatened to kill me would never have another conversation with me again. You cannot and will not ever forget those words. Nor should you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 For our last visit, I just put the baby in a sweatshirt and some track pants. It's getting pretty cold here so I figured it would be warm. When his dad walked in, he had the same sweatshirt on. It was a little weird. His parents also came and couldn't get over how much our son looks like him. They're right, I see so much of him and so little of myself. It's difficult sometimes... He's been being really nice to me, and he loves our son. He was telling me he wishes we could all "just go home together." I just keep saying no, and it's inappropriate for him to talk to me that way. Just typing that makes me cry... Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 For our last visit, I just put the baby in a sweatshirt and some track pants. It's getting pretty cold here so I figured it would be warm. When his dad walked in, he had the same sweatshirt on. It was a little weird. His parents also came and couldn't get over how much our son looks like him. They're right, I see so much of him and so little of myself. It's difficult sometimes... He's been being really nice to me, and he loves our son. He was telling me he wishes we could all "just go home together." I just keep saying no, and it's inappropriate for him to talk to me that way. Just typing that makes me cry... Sounds like your little bundle of joy is adorable:) I bet the sweatshirt thing was a little unsettling. As my kids were growing up, one or the other either looked like me more or their dad more...depending on the month/year. Your features will show in your little one...don't worry:) That's nice that this guy is being nice...under all that niceness is a monster. Some things are not meant to be forgotten. Good for you for saying what do in response to his come ons. Maybe it's too soon to say this, but there is a nice guy out there for you...give it time TL:) Happy Holidays to you and your little one:) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 He really is he is a talker! He always has a little noise to make. He loves to talk while I get ready. It makes me laugh. I was really shocked when his dad walked in with that shirt on. I don't think I'd ever seen it before. Today I was thinking about the others girls he's dated. He seemed like such a good boyfriend and he was affectionate and introduced them. He never did that with me. People knew we were sleeping together, but no one ever took that seriously and it makes me wonder why. I seriously consider asking him why he didn't do that with me... I wonder if I just wasn't good enough. Which I don't understand. I get told how attractive I am, I have a degree and good job. I think I'm a good person I don't understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 He really is he is a talker! He always has a little noise to make. He loves to talk while I get ready. It makes me laugh. I was really shocked when his dad walked in with that shirt on. I don't think I'd ever seen it before. Today I was thinking about the others girls he's dated. He seemed like such a good boyfriend and he was affectionate and introduced them. He never did that with me. People knew we were sleeping together, but no one ever took that seriously and it makes me wonder why. I seriously consider asking him why he didn't do that with me... I wonder if I just wasn't good enough. Which I don't understand. I get told how attractive I am, I have a degree and good job. I think I'm a good person I don't understand it. Awww...that's such a great age when they start communicating...even if it's a language we don't quite understand...we know it's filled with love and joy:) The way he treated you ...he marginalized you ... in every situation. Just not ok. There's a dark side to his heart that he'll have to atone for and heal...but please ... this is something he owns and has no bearing on you. If you read some of the other threads on this forum...you'll see people asking "why did he/she treat me that way" ... because he/she could and did...and the posters do not get closure as to the reasons why. There is no explanation for you TL except for "because he could." That in an of itself tells you that there will never be a time that you can have a healthy relationship with this guy...you seem like a sweet gentle soul...please find someone that doesn't have a dark heart. How are you feeling these days? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 I mean, I miss him and I can see that he has the potential to be a good daddy, but I can't put myself in that danger. When he's with the baby I can see the man I fell for. I'm not looking for anyone else at the moment. I'm just focusing on my little man. I just adore him. He has the thickest hair I've ever seen, and he is so interested in other people. I think it's really cute. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I mean, I miss him and I can see that he has the potential to be a good daddy, but I can't put myself in that danger. When he's with the baby I can see the man I fell for. I'm not looking for anyone else at the moment. I'm just focusing on my little man. I just adore him. He has the thickest hair I've ever seen, and he is so interested in other people. I think it's really cute. Good to hear from you TL I'm sure ...you'll have feelings for him for a long long time...you'll feel connected to him through your son. He has the potential to be a good dad...but does he have the potential to go off his rocker again? YES. Does he have the potential to treat you very badly and throw you uncaringly to the side? YES. That is who he is unfortunately. The man you fell for is part good guy and a big part ****ed up bad guy. He lacks human empathy. That's great your just focusing on your little guy:) I'll bet he's adorable!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 Today at our meeting, he said to our son "I wish you and mommy would just come home with me. Then we could be a family." I didn't respond. I know he's just trying to get a reaction. I feel like a bad mother because part of me wished we could too. I know I can't feel this way for the baby though. I have to be strong and while I know he's heavily medicated now he might snap and kill me, and I can't do that to my little boy. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Is he doing intensive therapy? If not, no reason to feel bad. HE has the option to change himself, since the reason you left is 100% on him. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 He really is he is a talker! He always has a little noise to make. He loves to talk while I get ready. It makes me laugh. I was really shocked when his dad walked in with that shirt on. I don't think I'd ever seen it before. Today I was thinking about the others girls he's dated. He seemed like such a good boyfriend and he was affectionate and introduced them. He never did that with me. People knew we were sleeping together, but no one ever took that seriously and it makes me wonder why. I seriously consider asking him why he didn't do that with me... I wonder if I just wasn't good enough. Which I don't understand. I get told how attractive I am, I have a degree and good job. I think I'm a good person I don't understand it. Again, because he's SCREWED-UP! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Today at our meeting, he said to our son "I wish you and mommy would just come home with me. Then we could be a family." I didn't respond. I know he's just trying to get a reaction. I feel like a bad mother because part of me wished we could too. I know I can't feel this way for the baby though. I have to be strong and while I know he's heavily medicated now he might snap and kill me, and I can't do that to my little boy. Seriously? What a jackass. That's an abuser tactic. He's inducing guilt in you via your child. Be ever vigilant. The number one feeling I notice in victims of abuse (including, *ahem* *cough* myself) is guilt. Shut that crap down YESTERDAY. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 We had the last meeting before Christmas. He brought tons of presents for the baby and me money that I didn't accept. He begged me to come to his parents house on Christmas eve. He wants his brother to meet our son. I know not to go, but I wouldn't give him an answer. I gave him some Christmas cards with just the baby's name on them and he started to cry and said thank you. I figured it was something nice I could do for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted December 31, 2015 Author Share Posted December 31, 2015 We skyped with him on Christmas eve and day. He got to watch our baby open a few gifts and his brother saw him. He said he looks like his daddy. I thought it was nice. It made me miss him. I don't know if its him or just having a partner... Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 What kind of therapy is he doing? How often? For how long? Is he giving you access to his therapist? Link to post Share on other sites
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